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Old 02-10-2006, 01:08 PM   #14
Singingmom
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Oh, sing to the Lord a new song!
 
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

I'm glad you're here! It is a huge shift, a paradigm shift as Crystal calls it, from a punitive mindset to a gentler one. I was also influenced by the Pearls, although not as much as some. After being so indoctrinated with the idea that you should "switch" the little ones for each and every disobedience, it's hard to imagine what to do instead.

First, not spanking doesn't mean not having firm boundaries. They still don't get to run the show. When your toddler won't stay in bed, it can be very trying, I know. For the time it takes you to train him without the rod, you may want to sit nearby where he can or can't see you, depending on which works best, and as soon as he gets out of bed pick him up and put him back in. The first few times you do it, whisper (that was a great idea, by the way!) that it's bedtime and he must stay in bed. After that, you really don't need to talk, just put him back. He's sure to test you, but he'll get the idea that he has to stay in bed, one way or the other. Without spanking, you can make sure the children know that Mommy's words have meaning.

That's what I take from the 5 steps, too. I change them a bit because I don't like to say the thing more than once. I move right on to "can you do such and such yourself or do you need my help?" (I actually am repeating the instructions there I guess). Then my 2 yo often chooses to do it herself because she loves to do anything and everything by herself, but if not I help and make sure it happens. At that age, I don't look at it as disobedience that needs punished, but as something that needs resolving. And they see each time that my words have meaning.

With my older ones, I don't use the 5 steps, but I use the general idea of moving in and making sure it happens. Joanne calls it "get off your butt parenting." If I say it's time for him to get in the shower and he doesn't start moving, I might wait a minute for him to finish something, and then I'll put my arm around his shoulder and start walking with him, that kind of thing. If your older children are used to obeying you, I would expect them to more or less continue and to appreciate the new respect you show them. Sometimes people do find that their dc will test the new boundaries, though.

Another thing I do a lot with my older dc is telling them to "try that again." If they answer disrespectfully or tell me no, they almost always fix it with a second chance. A punishment isn't necessary to point out that the answer was unacceptable and to remind them of the appropriate response.

There's so much to talk about! I hope you find lots of helpful info as you look around the discipline forums. Ask specific questions any time to get specific answers.

Well, I just noticed Crystal posted with some great info that I loved reading, but I'll post this anyway.

This is so true and so well said!
<< If a child only needs 5 spankings for something then they would only need 5 redirections for it. The difference is that spankings disconnect the relationship and redirection sets the parent up as coach on the family team--there to keep connection and set the child up for success heart>>

__________________
Kelly
Wife to my sweetheart for 29 years
Grateful mom to 3 young adults

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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