[ArmsOfLove]

Especially if your little guy liked the bear hug I'd use it more often and sooner--and don't see it as a negative thing. It's a very firm boundary when the internal ones aren't working well. Spankings are a very very firm rigid boundary and while boundaries do help children feel safe, spankings aren't the only way to give firm boundaries. If you have fairly well behaved children then you will likely need to change very little in the practical, but will benefit from developing the relationships. The key is to not drop the standard for behavior when you drop the punishments.

You have mentioned a couple of times what I find to be the most negative thing about the Pearls and their teachings--they convince parents that normal childhood behavior is "bad" "evil" "not to be tolerated" and it is that attitude that creates the adversarial relationship children are not our enemies--Satan in the enemy. And Satan is not responsible for them getting out of bed repeatedly at 2--that is just being 2.

I guess one question that needs to be asked, and only you can answer, is to truly ask "why?" Why do you feel such big feelings about a 2yo getting out of bed? Why does it create anger in you that causes you to feel the need to lash out? I know the Pearls teach to not spank in anger, but most people admit that when you take away the spankings the anger is right there without a release and has to be dealt with. And anger is a secondary emotion--so it's coming because you are not dealing with frustration or disappointment or something else that is very real. TBPH, and I say this not coming from a Pearl background and understanding that what you've been taught about it is why you're feeling the way you do, I don't understand the energy that gets expended at so many age expected behaviors that the child is going to outgrow no matter what you do The idea that a child who is typically 2 is going to become an out of control teenager is to me.

As for the five steps--it is the five steps, not the 25 steps And there is no pleading or weakness at all. I know that when you've been taught FTO this is a huge change in perspective, but it's both kind and firm. The first step is to state the request and give a reason. the child is given a reasonable time to comply and because children are so easily distracted, the courtesy of one reminder is given to them. If the child isn't showing enough impulse control and restraint to be self motivated the option is presented of do it themselves or need help. Sometimes children just need help--sometimes I do When I'm eating popcorn there is usually a point where I have to ask dh to help me and take the bowl away And the help stage is where the compliance is obtained At this point the child is made successful for doing what they were instructed to do. The Bear Hug is really for when a child is needing a firm boundary, and is especially helpful if the child has melted down. The reason is that a person who feels good acts good so if someone is out of control what is needed is to help them calm down and find their calm again. The Bear Hug is designed to be non-confrontative, support from behind, calm speaking in the ear, non-threatening, and keeps everyone safe. Depending on the child you can remove steps. So if you have a child who is always needing help them you do step one and move straight to step 4. If the situation is dangerous then you say step 1 while doing step 4. "You may not run into the street. Mommy will keep you safe." as you pull them from the road.

The truth is, there are ages and stages where whatever you do you are going to do 100 times. Some parents will spank 100 times, others will redirect 100 times, but if it's going to take 100 times then that's what it's going to take. If a child only needs 5 spankings for something then they would only need 5 redirections for it. The difference is that spankings disconnect the relationship and redirection sets the parent up as coach on the family team--there to keep connection and set the child up for success

I do encourage you to post some specific situations in the Gentle Discipline forum and we can help share ideas that have worked for us.