ServantofGod

Too many things here to comment to each one, but just a few things that I have a minute to speak to:

One, with Fear of Bees, first, he talked about all the ways you would show/educate/teach the child that bees are not horrible and terrifying. Plus, the child had not even been STUNG by a bee; some "flew by her head", so I think Pearl's assessment that *someone* conditioned her to think a few bees flying by is terrifying was right on the money. The teaching/showing/educating about bees was to recondition that bees were not terrifying. After that, yes - I do think a child can use the Terrified of Bees excuse to have the parents dancing to her tune. I wouldn't necessarily put her to bed in the laundry room, cause I think that's too weird, but I do think a child can use something like this to control the parents her way.

Is the idea of "assigning a positive intent" supposed to mean that the child never has a negative intent???

Let me tell you about something that recently happened. I didn't want to post this before, but I think I need to to ask the question. I was teaching a class of 3 and 4 year olds. One girl was fine and happy, but being a constant disruption by fiddling with her cousin. I told her several times she needed to put her hands on her lap, etc. Eventually, I told her she needed to move one seat over. She didn't move, so I sckooched her over. She dissolved in tears and screamed, "I want my mommy!" for the next 40 minutes. Many attempts were made by me and others to help her relax and join in the class, but she would only kick and lash out. No one could find her mother. She couldn't be moved on at the end of class, either. Finally, someone found her brother, who came and got her. When her brother appeared and put his arm around her, she instantly stopped crying and was triumphant in her face. Separately I was told by two other ladies that this is was her MO in every class LAST YEAR. She is fine until she is corrected or any limit is placed on her. Her class info card says that she is "sensitive to sugar", so I gather that her mother has heard of food issues and has aimed to find out what food(s) trouble her. Yet her behavior is still terrible.

I believe the girl has an intention, but it's not positive. I believe her intention is to have things go along as she would like. If anyone alters her plans, she will scream for her mother, who rescues her from the bad limit-setting people. Mind you, in this whole scenario, no outrageous demands were placed on her. Thirteen other children are able to sit in a circle and, if their attention goes astray for a minute or two, they can be brought back to joining in the activities by a simple request of, "Jordan, we're sitting down right now." or "You will be able to hold the stuffed animal in a few minutes, but right now, we're all looking at it with our eyes." Thirteen other children have learned that there is no need to (or benefit it) collapsing into tears when someone reminds you what the limits are. Talk about fear - yes, I do fear my now-two-year-old becoming a four-year-old like that. If I can prevent it, I intend to.

About fear of not getting control of the behavior now - this is a rational concern for a parent to have. It's one I feel keenly. Because children do not grow up to be wonderful adults just because you love them and talk to them kindly. The jails are full of people whose mothers love them. If your child has outrageous behavior when they are two, how can a parent not be concerned that they will also have outrageous behavior when they are three? Or four? Etc. I've seen GBD people excusing the outrageous behavior of a ten-year-old! At what point do you say, the child has troubling behavior at ten; things don't look good for his future? See I don't want to wait until Mason is a terrible 10 year old and then say, "Sadly, I was right when he was two. I accommodated him when he was two because 'he's a sensitive child', 'he has food issues and yesterday he ate a tiny peice of cheese', 'he is still young yet'." Why is it every other child now has a food sensitivity or autism spectrum disorder? Why is it every other baby has reflux? Mason was a screamy, spit-up-ish baby and every other mother told me, "He probably has reflux; you should put him on Zantac." When my first child was born and was screamy, nobody at all said, "she has reflux"; I never even heard the word until a few years ago.

Also, I know Pearl was not saying it isn't necessary to spank, but only, if you legally can't, you can still train. Of course this is what he would say, because this is what he believes via the Bible! My point was that it isn't the spanking that teaches the child and HE DOES SAY THIS, though he believes the spanking is Biblically mandated if the child is yours and it's legal to spank him.

Maybe more later.