[arymanth]

the biggest thing I took away with me was to stop being a victim of my own life... to step back and restructure the way I viewed my circumstances, my surroundings, my family/husband/kids, my past, etc. I really grew a lot in terms of choosing a mindset that would help me succeed instead of paralyze me and discourage me. It's tough.. it meant letting go of stuff that I was really, really angry about... it meant a lot of internal honesty... it meant that if I wanted something to change, I had to take responsibility for it without also owning resentment for having to do it myself. It meant I decided to keep trying, keep working, keep changing... for as long as I needed to. The next step from there was finding better tools and learning how to use them.

That is EXACTLY where I am right now!!!! I have done so many things that I regret, and for so long I felt paralyzed by my circumstances. I wanted my circumstances to change... for something to make everything around me better... to make my kids mind me, to "fix" my housekeeping problems, to give me step by step instructions to make my problems go away.

I have finally figured out that if anything is going to change in my life, it is going to have to be because *I* change. It was so hard to give up waiting for a "solution"... a program, a 3 step plan, a set of rules that would make everything around me easier. It was harder to "own my own problems" and actively work towards changing them, even if it meant trying many different things and to improvise and adapt them to suit MY life and MY children. It was so strange and freeing to be able to say "THIS DOESN'T WORK FOR ME" and look for a different solution, instead of doing the same thing over and over and hoping that somehow sheer force of will would make it work. (doing what someone else said "God said" I should do)

I didn't follow the Pearls, (I was more into Dobson) but I did a lot of the same things they teach. They never did "work" for me, and I always thought it was somehow MY FAULT that I didn't have the same wonderful results everyone else claimed to have. I just knew I must not be doing it right... not consistant enough, not strict enough, not committed enough. I tried to maintain a facade of being "happy" and "joyful", but underneath I was a panic-stricken mess! I hit my kids more out of desperation than intention. I wanted that "joy" so badly... I was doing everything "the right way"... why wasn't it working? Why were my kids so rebellious? Why didn't they ever listen? Why did I constantly find myself yelling, threatening and hitting my kids, when they were supposed to be getting BETTER as they got older???

I can completely understand why someone would get sucked into teachings like the Pearls or Ezzo... it promises that if you just follow the plan, everything around you will become EASIER FOR YOU. Then, they say, you will be HAPPY... because you will have easy-to-manage, obedient, quiet, compliant children. No more strife = happiness. No struggles = joy. No problems = a good life. Funny, I can't find that concept in the Bible anywhere.

What I DO find is that we are supposed to learn to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit IN THE MIDST OF DIFFICULTY. It is more God-like to show PATIENCE in a difficult situation than to have the difficult situation itself taken away. To show GRACE when someone does something that deserves punishment... even if it means that we have to overlook a personal offence. Parenting is supposed to be all about US maturing, growing up spiritually, learning to behave more like God. How can we learn to do that if we concentrate on making our lives easier and more convenient for ourselves?

"Easy" is not the same as "good". Have you ever heard anyone ask a new mom, "so is he a good baby"? What they mean is "is he convenient? Does he sleep a lot, not cry too much, and in general not cause you any inconvenience?" But when you believe that a baby is supposed to fit this definition of "good", then you will be much more likely to be angry and resentful when things are NOT easy. How many new parents get frustrated when their baby doesn't sleep as long as they think they should... who "wants to nurse all the time", or who is "high needs" and "can't be put down". Since they equate a "good baby" with a convenient baby, they are not going to be "joyful" until they find a way to "fix" them and make them easier. (this is why "crying it out", schedules and other gimmicks are so prevalent in these kinds of teachings) They confuse the pleasure and relief of getting their own way with "happiness".

How is it "godly" to be able to treat your children with love and consideration... as long as they don't cause any problems or make life inconvenient? How is that reflecting God's love towards us? If we were talking about these same attributes in a child, we would say that they are spoiled and self-centered and had to have everything their own way to be happy.

Sigh... I'm rambling again....I have so many thoughts on this subject!!!!

Stephanie