[arymanth]

I could almost have written that post myself, with just a few minor changes. I have five kids, but I've had 4 miscarriages and I don't know if I can have any more children or not. I'm American, but my family did not talk about their emotions much either.

Mom's reaction to AF was "the stuff is in that box under your bed." ("the box" was a sort of "starter kit" with pads, BELTS, and instructions! I had to figure it out myself!)

Mom's advice about sex was "DON'T until you get married". She did tell me that I "needed" to get on birth control a few months before I got married because "it can take time for it to kick in"... she wanted to be sure I wouldn't have kids right away. Fortunately, I quit taking them right after I got married and was pregnant 3 months later! LOL

Fortunately, mom never said anything about breastfeeding... well, she kept asking me when I was going to give him REAL food (at less than 1 month old!) I was living 12 hours away from my parents at the time, so I pretty much decided to do what I wanted in that area.

BUT.... I did follow what my church taught about parenting and what my friends were doing. It wasn't Ezzo or the Pearls, but it might as well have been. I wasn't just "unprepared for parenting"... I was CLUELESS!!!

Like you, I managed to do some things right. We co-slept, never CIO (tried for a couple nights with my first, but quickly decided it wasn't worth it!) TRIED to use a sling, but never quite got the hang of it. LOL

Then somewhere around the time they learned to walk, I threw all my "gentle parenting" out the window and started spanking. I was a horrid mom for at least the first ten years of my parenting journey... I yelled, I spanked, I used shaming and cruel words to "discipine" my kids. When I look back at what I was, I am horrified. I am still not the perfect "gentle mom". I actually swat my kids every once in awhile.... even though I KNOW BETTER. (old habits die hard!!!!)

The one saving grace of my entire situation is that I know that I can talk to people from the perspective of someone who has BEEN THERE and who knows what the outcome of that kind of parenting can be. I'm not just one of those moms who have never even tried spanking and who did everything "perfect" from the beginning. I was the BAD MOM, the one other moms look at in disgust and horror as I spanked my kids and growled threats at them in my frustration. If *I* can come out of this and change, then ANYONE can!

I have the benefit of TONS of mistakes that I can hopefully steer other parents away from. I am the poster mom for "what is wrong with spanking". LOL I can also say "I have done both...and gentle discipline works BETTER!" Some people won't even listen to you if you say you have never spanked... they figure "you've never tried it, how would you know." Well, I have tried it, in all it's forms. It stinks. :P

But the most important aspect to ME, is that my experience is a powerful example of God's GRACE and FORGIVENESS. If God can forgive ME for doing what I did to my children, then how much more should I be able to show grace to my kids when they mess up? I have been proud, defiant, rebellious, mean and disobedient.... and God didn't "hit" me. It is like the parable Jesus told about the man who owed a lot of money and his creditor forgave him. "He who is forgiven much, loves much." I'm still human, and I still make mistakes with my kids... but all God has to do is touch that one spot... didn't I forgive YOU for doing that?... and I am pulled up short. If I allow Him to use my own shortcomings, I can be a better mother to my kids and maybe help other moms who are struggling with the same things I have been through.

Don't worry about what you WERE... if you have asked God to forgive you, then as far as he is concerned, that is forgotten. The important thing is to focus on who you want to be.... who God wants you to be as a parent. Some of the greatest people in the Bible were the ones who screwed up the most. Paul was the biblical equivalent of Osama Bin Laden ... killing all those who did not agree with his faith... and yet look what God did with him!!! God does not love us or use us because of who WE are, but in spite of who we are. He chooses the broken, the damaged, the undesirable and the unloveable. I guess that means I qualify.

The Bible says "If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature... old things have passed away... behold, all things have become new!" You are not who you were before... and you are not yet who you are becoming. You can't let who you WERE keep you from becoming what God has planned for you. Do you still hold things against your children that they did when they were younger? They are still growing and learning and changing... who they were 2 years ago or even two months ago is not who they are today or who they will be tomorrow. You need to let God take you and make something beautiful out of you.... he does that kind of thing, you know. He gives beauty for ashes.

Just wanted to encourage you today.

Stephanie
mom to 4 boys and a princess!