shilohmm

Have you told your kids you have regrets? My kids were considerably younger when I started getting serious about GBD, but I've talked to them about it some - certainly I've talked about learning that spanking is wrong, and I've started teaching my eldest (12) about some of the parenting verses and how they get twisted. I want them to be solidly grounded in scripture on those points where I was most confuzzled.

We were raised to deny our feelings, too, and that's one thing I struggle with. I think some of my initial sorrows over how I'd raised my kids were also mourning over how I'd been raised - if you've repressed your feelings for years, they're still there, and when you start opening yourself up and allowing those feelings expression, they don't always come out in logical ways. Your emotions will mostly likely be really strong for some time - you don't want to repress them again, I shouldn't think, so the only way you can go is forward. :P And if you've been fairly unemotional before that's going to be a bit of a shock to those you live with - I think knowing that you're dealing with years worth of emotions all at once makes it easier to accept them and to feel less out of control.

Alice Miller talks about that a lot - about how we sometimes, as adults, have to face and focus the feelings we never recognized as children. And even if that's not a problem, we still have to learn how to express our feelings as adults. If you're not allowed negative feelings as a child, then as an adult you're not really sure how to express those feelings in a positive way. Raised the way I was, it sounds crazy to suggest that anger and sorrow can be expressed in a positive way. But sorrow is the right response to pain - our own or others'. It's perfectly valid to mourn past sins and hurt if they were never mourned before - but we also must turn to Christ and let Him soothe our pain.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Even when we screw up, God can make use of us. You can speak as someone who has "seen both sides" - and I believe that, in time to come, you'll be able to tell others how Christ can bring joy out of ashes. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. Maybe now you need to do more research on communicating and expressing your own feelings? I know that in my family, the "don't have any bad feelings" thing was connected to "you can't teach anyone unless you're perfect" kind of idea. I think one of the reasons my parents believed everything had to look perfect was that they thought people wouldn't listen to or respect them if it didn't. Their view was that if you've "screwed up," the right thing to do is "keep quiet." So the unspoken lesson is that it's wrong to speak up if you realized you'd done something wrong.

I am really trying to teach my kids that mistakes are learning experiences, and not something to be ashamed of. Some of us just have to learn by doing, and by doing it wrong at first. We've still learned, and our knowledge is still valid. It's people who deny they ever did it wrong who are the hypocrites, IMHO. Those who say, "I did it this way, but I've learned there's a better way" are just being honest.

Sheryl