[Heidi_Suzanne]

Originally Posted by KatherineM

WOW! Did I read the same book? Yes, I did, but I defiantly didn't take it the way that it seems most did. Yes, there are things in the book that I didn't 100% agree with, but overall, I agreed with the book. It is addressed to women which is why it sounds like everything is the wife's fault..

why would that be a positive thing?...to state everything as if it were the wife's fault? not only is it inaccurate but it also plays nicely into an abusive dynamic.

Because we can only change OUR attitudes, OUR behavior.

knowledge is power. when a wife is able to see a situation for what it is, rather than continuing to believe that it's all her fault which almost invariably isn't true, she has within her grasp the power to make positive changes in her behavior. they may not be what pleases her husband if he's an abusive man but that doesn't mean they aren't good.

I mean if you put a sentence in there that makes a woman feel sorry for herself, the message of how to fix the situation with OUR behavior will be lost because many women will look at that one sentence and say, "see, I knew it wasn't MY fault".

first of all affirming a woman's feelings, esp. a woman caught in an abusive marriage, isn't going to make her feel sorry for herself necessarily. it could be empowering. gasp.

i understand where you are coming from though because that's exactly where i was 10 years ago, 5 years ago and 3 years ago. i was blinded by my own beliefs about what it meant to be a godly wife and as a result lived in an abusive dynamic. i could have made some changes which were fully within my circle of responsibility to make had i known better. unfortunately for my husband, children, church and myself i didn't until we had all suffered tremendous damage. i couldn't change my husband but i could change myself and my responses to his sinful choices. ptl, i finally did and we now have a much healthier family and marriage.

Also, the description of men, she states clearly that most men will be a little of all three. Some will be more Commando and very little dreamer etc.

i haven't read the book but the commando personality sounds very much like the drill Sergeant personality lundy bancroft describes in his book "why does he do that?" about angry and controlling men. i don't think it's an attitude sanctioned by god.

Personally, I have had this same discussion about Dr. Laura's book and what I am finding is that we don't like to hear where we need to change in clear cut terms. We want the sugar coated version.

i imagine there are some immature women out there who want that. but for the most part i think women are simply smart enough to see that debi pearl et al aren't the best source for info on how to be a good wife.