[nanookmama]

Originally Posted by BarefootBetsy

I was (am) very strong-willed and do you know what spanking taught me? To not get caught. To act contrite in the present and plan better next time. To lie through omission instead of an outright lie because lying through omission is much more difficult for a parent to catch. Oh, and spanking really awakened fury in my heart. I wasn't really contrite after being spanked even though I could pretend to be fairly decently... I was angry - seething with rage - after being spanked.

I'm one of those who would do the opposite of what I was told just because someone told me to do it. I'm still that way to a degree, even though I consciously try not to react like that and usually succeed in resisting that urge now.

Yeah... and my mom's will was NO match for my will which made the teen years particularly rough for us. My dad was constantly mediating between the two of us (he's strong-willed too) and I had pretty much zero respect for my mom at all. We're on very good terms now, but back then... nope

Same for me. Except both of my parents were sure they could 'out stubborn' me. They were both wrong. I remember, as a child, realizing that spanking would only work until I was bigger than them or until their back problems made them vulnerable . And that punishment would only work as long as they had something I wanted. So as soon as I could get a job, they wouldn't have any way of punishing me. Apparently, as a three year old, I responded to spankings with 'That didn't hurt and I WON'T cry.' and time outs with 'I wanted time by myself anyway.' My mother got really frustrated one day (I couldn't have been older than 5) and took EVERYTHING out of my room. She took the pictures off the walls, the sheets off the bed, everything. I had a dresser (empty) and a bed. (I think I was refusing to clean up the room so this was a related punishment) I told her (and I remember this) that I had better things to play with at day care and school anyway and that I was tired of looking at the things in my room, and now that all that stuff was gone, I could get back to doing what I had wanted to do, which was practice my ABC's.

I see these traits in my daughter. I KNOW what's coming for me. I KNOW that parenting punitively will be a miserable disaster. I am trying my best, right now, to build the habits, the mental scripts, and tools to work with her and not against her. I don't want to know/care who is more stubborn. I don't want to know/care who can crush who. I just want us to get done what needs to get done. I want to teach her how to use that will to change the world, to act brilliantly, to be the BEST because I know that a drive that strong would not have been created by my God without a plan to match it. If she's been given this gift, she needs to find out why, and she needs to apply it appropriately. As her mother, I am responsible for teaching her what I can to do that.

At least, that's my theory. I'll let you know how it works out.