How did I learn to identify my actual feelings?
It happened by accident.
I was working hard on identifying my CHILDREN's feelings so that I could validate them, and learned my own in the process.
My mom thinks that the validation of feelings in a situation is STUPID and makes fun of people who do it
Starting with saying , "I'm angry because there's crap all over the family room floor" is a fair validation of my feelings, but not a great one because it's pretty vague. So I breathe, and think a little harder.
"I'm hurt because I feel like it doesn't matter to my children that we all worked so hard. I'm frustrated because it's never-ending. I'm scared because my big feelings are SO BIG that I feel like I could easily hurt someone physically.....and oh, yea, by the way, I haven't eaten any protein today at all, so that's probably why it all feels so intense."
Now I'm pretty rational, because I took the time to identify what was actually going on in my head and my body.
This takes longer than lashing out or yelling. Like anything good, it takes more work. Organic fruit is more flavorful than pesticide ridden fruit, and is more expensive because it takes more effort to grow.
Another word for expensive is "Dear" which also means Regarded with deep affection; cherished by someone.
I am dear; my children are dear, we are precious in His sight and worthy of the extra time and effort.
When I'm going to explode,
I walk away. I start the self talk, even if what it starts with is bile "I HATE, Grouse, Grumble, Spew....until I can breathe and think and evaluate the situation for what it REALLY is.
Start with validating positive feelings in yourself and your children. They're a bit easier because your brain isn't under stress. "you're really enjoying that play-dough" "when you hug me, I feel important and loved" "I'm feeling confident today/right now" "I'm relaxed" "you are so joyful!" "You're really satisfied with your good work on that drawing"
FWIW, everyone responds differently to validation and how it is given. I don't like to be told how I feel, but I do like it when someone notices how I'm feeling. EX: "You are frustrated" is not a good validation for me. "You seem frustrated" is
It may seem like semantics, but it's important for myself.