[erinee]

Ugh, why is this so hard for me???? I wish I had some conviction one way or the other, but either choice I make makes me sad for different reasons.

I thought for awhile I was just going to send Zach back to school and give it another try, because I agonize so much, HSing is hard and takes so much time, I'm an extreme introvert with two extreme extroverts hanging onto me all day and I get drained, and I just don't know that I'm capable of giving both kids what they need. I worry about Zach being bored (because he is much of the time when his friends aren't around), and I worry that there are some things I just won't think to teach him.

But then I realize that there are things the school won't teach him, either. No matter what course I decide to take, there *will* be gaps in his education. No one has the time in this life to learn absolutely everything. I just need to believe that either way, he's going to learn what he needs one way or another, just like we all do.

And I thought when we're really having a very nice time HSing, why mess with it? Yes, I crave time alone, and yes, Zach gets bored sometimes. But boredom isn't necessarily a bad thing, and he would get bored in PS sometimes, too (I know I did). For the most part, I enjoy what we're doing. And Zach *wants* to keep HSing. That's the big thing.

DH hasn't had much to say except that he "leans 51-49 in favor of PS", and I lean just the opposite. So neither of us is really convicted one way or the other. But what I *don't* want to happen is send him back now and regret it and pull him out again. If HSing is going well and we're not feeling any *huge* conviction to send him back to PS, and if Zach is as happy as he says he is with HSing, why not just keep HSing until something hits us over the head and tells us it's not right anymore?

Anyway, I sort of came about this gradually, but yesterday was when I decided I should just make a decision already, with the start of school being just a month away, and I did sleep better last night for the first time in *months*. The fact that I have more peace about this than I did about giving PS another try tells me it's probably the right thing.

All of the above is so *not* about criticizing PS. The very fact that I've flip-flopped so much is indicative of the fact that I see good there. I'm just thinking why rock the boat when it's going so well, right? I'll just enjoy another year having Zach home. It doesn't have to be forever. I think most likely dh will want Megan to at least try PS, so maybe Zach will go back when she goes next year. I have another year to figure that out. DH thinks Megan would do very well in PS, and I think he might push a little more with her. She hasn't had the problems in preschool that Zach had (Zach did *great* academically in both preschool and PS, it was mostly social and behavioral). But I had terrible, awful experiences with PS after about the 3rd grade. DH recognizes that Zach is more like me and that because of that he's more willing to leave decisions about Zach in my hands. But Megan's another story. I'm open to doing different things with each kid if their needs are different, so we'll just fall off that bridge when we come to it.

The thing I miss most about PS, personally, is seeing how well he was doing. I just have trouble gauging that when HSing. the fact that he was one of the only first-graders selected to do the AR program (even though he really didn't do much), that he was in the highest reading group, that he was a "super speller" and was taken to lunch by his teacher, that he read the most books in the Book-Its program and got to go to a pizza party....that was all very affirming to *me* as a parent, like I was doing something right. And of course it was nice for him, too.

I might actually consider having him tested. Third grade is when PS kids start taking ISTEP. That would be some feedback for me, at least. It might help ease my mind.

In my perfect world, the kids could go to PS half-time and spend the rest of their days with me, learning what *I* want them to learn. But that just isn't an option. Later, in high school, I know there are several PS classes and activities they can participate in, but not right now.