[arymanth]

Originally Posted by Meli

I was just thinking about this the other day and thinking that smacking a child in that situation could make them more likely to run further away from the smack - the smack is a known concrete danger (if they have experienced it before) versus the conceptual danger of "if car hits you it could really hurt or kill you". If they thought at all (and as has already been pointed out, they usually don't), surely they would be more likely to avoid the danger they understood and feared (the smack) and run further?

BINGO! This is exactly how it played out in my family over and over again, and I could not figure out WHY??? All the books/parenting gurus were telling me that if I would just be "consistent" enough, that this method would work, but in my real life, it absolutely did not. My son saw me coming or heard me yell, and all he could think of was "mom is going to hit me if she catches me"... so he ran full tilt the opposite direction, into traffic. I was told that I had to make spanking a big enough threat that they would be too afraid to run away (when I catch you, you are really going to get it!!!) but my kids took that as an even better reason not to let me catch them. This was sooooooo frustrating, and it made me hit them much harder than I intended to when I finally did catch them, partly because I was angry that they didn't listen, but a big part of it was because I was so afraid of what MIGHT have happened, and so determined to make sure that it wouldn't happen in the future. Surely, if I just made a strong enough impression on him, he would be so afraid of getting spanked that it would override his impulse to run in the street? It was and is a flawed idea, but this is what many Christian parenting authors teach. Fear of pain is seen as a method of controlling your child's behavior, especially in "danger" situations where you really need to be able to control them. (at least, that is the idea)

It was a major revelation to me to understand that it was really MY responsibility to keep my child safe, and by using spanking, I was trying to make my young child responsible for their own safety. I had been taught that it was important for a child to "learn" these things, but it wasn't actually an age-appropriate expectation. The explanation that really brought this home to me was asking if you would leave that child in charge of another child of the same age or younger? Would you ask your 3yo to be responsible for the safety of another 3yo without adult supervision? It made me realize that my child just wasn't mature enough for that kind of responsibility... so why was I punishing them for being immature? I figured that out three kids ago, and the way I have handled things is like night and day, so completely different that I can't even imagine why I thought smacking my little ones was ever a good "safety" idea? It really has to be a complete paradigm shift, you have to change the way you see your child and your role as their parent.

I have switched from trying to be a "sheep trainer" to being a shepherd. I protect, I guide, I do not expect my sheep never to stray, no matter how many times we take the same familiar path. Every time, it is my job to keep them safe, not theirs. I am happy when they do stick to the path, but I don't punish them if they wander, I just nudge them back to the path, or if necessary, I go get them and bring them back to where they need to be. Spanking just does not fit into this role, so it is no longer even an idea. But what if I had been told that I was supposed to TRAIN my sheep to stay on the path and punish them if they stray, because there are wolves and they could get hurt if they do? What if I was instructed that when a lamb started to wander off, I should whack it with the rod... what would happen? I imagine that a lamb who was especially prone to wander would lose confidence in a shepherd who is always hitting it and would start to run farther and faster when it saw the shepherd coming. In a small flock, this might work to some extent, but with many sheep to watch, this can be a recipe for disaster. (says the mom of 7 rambunctious sheep! LOL) But that's exactly what has happened... parents are taught that their job is to "train" their sheep to protect themselves. This is why they spank for "immediate danger"... how else can they train their sheep to stay on the path? The goal is good, but the method is misguided and generally results in very frustrated shepherds.