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Old 04-24-2007, 11:42 PM   #35
canadiyank
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

End of Chapter Four

Four Levels of Support for Kids' Feelings

This section shows how the parents' level of support changes depending on the situation, as the child grows and matures, and as s/he learns new skills. These levels are not dependent on the age of the child, necessarily (IOW, you wouldn't abandon comforting or teaching as the child grows, but realize they will need new and different levels of support depending on their situation, age, etc.).

Parent as Comforter - this is a big part of parenting as AP parents. Often I feel stuck here, not knowing what else to do besides comfort. (Obviously, comforting is essential, but sometimes it feels like more is needed when she's melting down). The author recommends showing different ways of comforting such as a hug, a song, gentle rocking, etc, so the child can experience many different ways of being comforted.

Parent as Teacher - the parent offers the child choices of how s/he could calm him/herself. This would be choices of things that have calmed him/her in the past or have been taught as a calming tool (see previous post on teaching calming tools). "Would you like to 'x' or 'y'?"

Parent as Coach - parent provides structure for the child rather than outright offering a choice. "How do you want to calm yourself?" If s/he can't think of a way, you can ask how s/he calmed him/herself in a different situation.

Parent as Consultant - at this stage the parent offers support without offering ideas or asking questions...the purpose is to let the child know s/he can ask you for help without encouraging him/her to remain dependent on you for calming themselves. She shows a few examples of this, typically with teens or more skilled children, where you can just be present but not "fix" their problems.


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