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Old 10-01-2007, 10:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: Collected Past Posts about Screaming

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Title: screaming and grabbing
Post by: gratefulmama on March 30, 2005, 03:12:32 PM
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I need advice on how to handle the following very common example:

We are playing with a friend, my 23 month old sees friend pick up an interesting toy so he goes to grab it, a tugging match ensues with my son screaching at the top of his longs and crying big pitiful tears. The moms break up the tug of war, each trying to give the toy to the other child (usually he had it first and my son is the grabber) but my ds carries on so that he almost always ends up getting what he wants. I don't think he is being manipulative it is just how he responds and it is proving to be effective b/c other parents feel sorry for him. Ds is usually quickly over it and then sees friend pick up a new interesting toy and it starts again.

How do I teach him not to grab toys from others and not to scream and cry?????

Right now I try my best to get him interested in something else but it is difficult and usually by then either the other parent has given it to him or the other child has moved on. We talk about it too, before and during the play time and sometimes that helps. What else can I do?


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Title: Re: screaming and grabbing
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 30, 2005, 08:05:12 PM
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He's not manipulating now but if he keeps getting it because of the screaming he will learn to :/ I'd introduce taking turns and make sure you keep him distracted as best you can until it's his turn--even if it's a minute or two

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Title: Re: screaming and grabbing
Post by: Joanne on March 30, 2005, 10:12:46 PM
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I would not let the other adult give it to your child. I would be kind and firm. "It's Joe's turn". "It's hard to wait".

Even say "You are mad. You may not hurt our ears in your mad-being." Remove him if he doesn't calm down.

Make sure he gets his turn, but only when it is his turn.

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Title: Re: screaming and grabbing
Post by: gratefulmama on March 31, 2005, 04:05:15 PM
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Thank you, I can be more firm with not letting him get everything he grabs for, I think I will tell my friends in advance that we are working on this so they won't be so quick to let my son have his way.

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Title: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: Katydid on April 07, 2005, 04:09:11 PM
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Please help me with suggestions for teaching my son that it's not OK to scream. The last few days he has been screaming a lot (I am talking ear-piercing, blood curdling, migrane inducing screams! ), not just when he is upset, but also just for fun! I understand that he is learning to talk and exploring the different ways he can use his voice, but it is so loud and seriously gives me a headache! (he also woke up the baby I was baby-sitting for today, so I can just ignore it and hope it stops!) I have tried telling him in a quiet voice that "that's too loud, it hurts mommy's ears" I have tried gently putting my finger over his lips, but he just thinks that's funny I just don't know what to do. any suggestions would be helpful! TIA


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: SillyMommy on April 07, 2005, 04:10:25 PM
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The only advice I have is to ignore it. He's just too young to understand "inside/outside voices." Hopefully it will pass quickly - hang in there!


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: chelsea on April 07, 2005, 04:39:24 PM
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I'll be watching this thread carefully! I had to leave a restaurant today when my 16-month-old screamed continuously at the top of his lungs (his straw fell on the floor and he was NOT happy). He has been screaming the past few days when he is unhappy about something. I'm assuming it's just a phase, and sooner or later he will find a new way to express his feelings.


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:57:36 AM
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Quote:
The only advice I have is to ignore it. He's just too young to understand "inside/outside voices." Hopefully it will pass quickly - hang in there!
I agree that time is the best remedy for this. However, I do think that you have more active options to consider.

One is to introduce many more feeling words and baby signs. Teach an appropriate way to show excitement. The words and signs offer more ways to appropriately communicate.

Another is to practice sound levels together. A young toddler *can* begin to understand "outside voice" or "whisper voice" or "Library voice" or "Yippee sounds". Role play, have fun. Teach modulation as a skill and not as a punishment.


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: Katydid on April 08, 2005, 06:18:45 AM
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Quote from: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:57:36 AM

Quote:
One is to introduce many more feeling words and baby signs. Teach an appropriate way to show excitement. The words and signs offer more ways to appropriately communicate.
Thank you for this... that makes sense... I think I was just focusing mostly on the noise (kinda hard not to ) and not the feeling behind it. So, just to get this straight, you are saying when he screams out of excitement, I should say something like "Oh, I see that you are very excited about X" and maybe show him a sign appropriate to his emotion? Should I work on noise level at all while it's happening, or just focus on the emotions until he seems to get a better grasp on "too loud"?
Thanks for the responses so far!

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Title: Screaming and name calling
Post by: FlyinKiwi on April 08, 2005, 02:04:54 AM
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Dh and I are both at our wits end with the girls. We both so feel like spanking them all!! We haven't spanked in five years so this is a huge addmition for us. It seems like all day they are screaming at each other and at us. I'm an idiot, a silly, a bad stupid mummy ... etc! If one thing goes wrong ... like the computer game wont work properly (like they want), or if I cannot get them a drink *right now* all hell breaks loose! I've been hit, bitten (by the 4yo - she'll be 5 in 3 weeks), yelled at, screamed at for just getting them they wrong coloured handkerchief!

Things we have tried: for the older two (8 and 6) they go and sit on their bed until they can stop screaming/hitting etc. This works for the 8yo, but the 6yo hits and screams louder. I cannot bear hug her, she is way to strong for me. The 4yo I have tried the bear hug for 5-10 minutes -- it worked (as in she calmed down) once! the other times I had to just let her go before she hurt me

Here is another example: miss 4 wanted a drink, dh had already told her to start her bedtime routine (toilet, teeth etc) so he was about to say that she could have one after she'd been to the toilet, he didn't even get half his sentence out before she was screaming that he was a bad horrible daddy! He tried the bear hug and her screaming escalated (he almost needed ear plugs - no joke!) so he gave up.

Please, we really need your help and prayers. I know there is a lot of adjustments going on, but this behaviour is not acceptable and needs to stop! That's all of us hissyfitting at the same time

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 05:30:28 AM
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What types of adjustments are you referring to? That will help me with giving some advice.

In general (without knowing the answer to the above), it sounds like they are needing really firm boundaries. If the 6 year old screams and hits in her room, so be it. Don't stay in there with her if she is doing that. "I will not allow you to hurt me" said as you are walking out of the room. Hold the door closed if you must (reassure her verbally that you are there). Or leave the bedroom area entirely.

"Calling me names is wrong in this home. You may go to your room if you want to scream and act ugly." Help her there if she needs it.

With my eldest two children (ages 10, 7) they are able to understand "if/then" so we can do logical consequences. "you hit you sit" works really really well in our home.

I'll try to answer more specifically after you've helped me understand what's going on in terms of adjustments.

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:33:28 AM
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When things get like that in my house (and they do), it's usually one of two things.

One is that I've been too punitive, adversarial or unkind.

Or the other is that I've been too lax, permssive, inconsistent and um, lazy.

That may not apply to your life. Oh, and TV the amount of TV watching and junk food is also a big factor.

With their ages, I'd say a choice to scream is a choice to lose the next "good" thing on the list and also a choice to have contact and interaction limited. A natural/logical consequence to rude behavior is that you won't have much company.

I'd also consider finding a related or logical way for a school aged child to make amends for screaming. It hurts people's ears and isn't respectful. So, they need a way to respectfully be kind. Singing a hymn comes to mind.

I'd prayerfully consider if I've been too lax or too difficult. And I'd make changes based on that.

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 05:38:03 AM
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That has been so true in my own home, especially in terms of how I have been parenting affecting my children. The other day I was way too involved with GCM and other stuff and my children's behavior was atrocious!!! I finally realized that they needed my attention and I was not giving it.

I like Joanne's suggestions for making amends. We do that as well with our older children (5 and up)

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: ShangriLewis on April 08, 2005, 12:18:50 PM
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I'd say you are probably being too permissive. When my boys act like that we are usually being to permissive and they aren't getting enough playtime. I suggest cutting out all tv and game time. If the kids want a game they can play a board game. Also, mandatory play time. I'm outside right now and the boys are getting out all their energy. It's like a do-over for the whole family. Take the kids to the library and let them all pic out books and put them in their own bag. Sit on the couch or on a blanket outside and read to them. Go to the beach and lay around together. Go to the playground and take a bunch of food so you don't have to leave for lunch. Let them pick out some of their favorite snacks. For us that means 100% juice capri-suns..the kids will do anything for one of those.

Take a week to relax and unwind and work on a better structure for your family.

At least that's what has been going on around here. I've been working on creating some more structure because my oldest really needs some. And, don't forget to take care of yourself..it's hard being pregnant with kids running around. I bet you just want to take a really long nap.

Heather


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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: FlyinKiwi on April 08, 2005, 03:24:33 PM
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Quote from: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 05:30:28 AM
Quote:
What types of adjustments are you referring to? That will help me with giving some advice.
The adjustments are me being pg - getting over m/s and preparing to move internationally in just over 7 weeks time.

Thanks for your ideas I'm sure I'll be puting some into action very soon!!

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 08, 2005, 04:24:15 PM
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everything good has already been said so I'll just give

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: ShangriLewis on April 08, 2005, 04:37:33 PM
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Sarah are you the one who is always moving? Do the kids know you are moving again?

Just curious
Heather

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: FlyinKiwi on April 08, 2005, 05:01:34 PM
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Quote from: ShangriLewis on April 08, 2005, 04:37:33 PM
Quote:
Sarah are you the one who is always moving? Do the kids know you are moving again?

Just curious
Heather
Yes Heather, it's us who are always moving (well it seems like it!) The girls know we are moving and are excited about it. We have a chart on the wall where we mark of the weeks as they fly by. We have been in this house the longest ever - 14 months (will be almost 16 mths when we move!!!).

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 08:28:28 PM
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You have a TON on your plate right now. That must feel so overwhelming.
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