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Old 06-11-2009, 06:54 AM   #4
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Default Re: Collected Past Posts Sharing Success Stories

Post by: the princess kitty on March 13, 2006, 12:02:19 AM
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When I first found this board, my girl was having some "big feelings" I didn't know how to handle. She was 13 months, and kicking, hitting, biting me anytime she was upset or didn't get her way. I had been swatting her behind when she did it, but it only made the situation worse. (she is passionate like her mommy!)
Now, I have learned that I can hold her and keep her from hitting me while talking to her. I can talk to her and tell her it's okay to be upset but you may not hit.
She is now 17 months, and we have gone from hours of meltdown dealings almost everyday to a pleasant relationship! She still kicks or hits or bites occasionally, but it's not as often as it was, and it's more of a signal, not really an action. She's does it just enough to let me know she's upset, she's not really trying to hurt me. She's still working on finding the words to express herself. So she'll fake/bite or hit me/something and then point at it and say "auhh". Like "see? I'm upset".
She's also more loving with me now, instead of just being angry at me.
Post by: Amber on March 13, 2006, 01:09:55 AM
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For us giving a waring that a transition is coming at the count of 3 or giving a 5 and 3 minute warning has made a world of difference. When given a warning and a little time to finish what he is doing ds is so much more compliant. We also say bye-bye to everything and when it is really hard to leave we sing our bye-bye song...it may not be diginfied, but it works.

The other thing that has made a big difference is to give 2 acceptable choices. For example I will give ds the choice of holding my hand when we cross a street or being carried. Lately I started letting him choose where he wants his diaper changed (he had to lay down when I came back with a diaper or I would pick the spot). When I first read Crystal's recommendation to do this I thought there was no way that would work for my ds, he seems to be especially wiggly when I lay him on the floor for diaper change. But a few weeks ago I got tired of being kicked in my big pg belly and having to do a big song and dance over a diaper change so I tired it...and it worked! Since I have been doing this it has cut out so much of the diaper change drama.
Post by: wombmate3 on March 13, 2006, 09:51:56 PM
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There are so many! Where to begin???

* I am a more playful parent now. I sing and play and giggle my kids out of bad moods instead of just getting irritated!

*I try to let the little things roll off of me. Is this behavior really something I need to address or is it just something that is BUGGING me? Because how I respond is different depending. If it's something that is just *my issue but my kids have the right to be doing it (like being loud and silly) I will now ask them to please go do that in their room instead of just yelling "will you people shut up!!!"

*I learned to be firm and have boundaries. I used to HATE to read Joanne's responses. I always felt like she was being a hard-donkey. I even left this forum for awhile because of it. But sometimes the things you need to hear the most are the hardest ones to hear, kwim? I am still more laid back than many mamas on here, but her advice and the overall non-permissive tone of this forum helped me to firm up where I needed to and not let my critters walk all over me!

*I am the calmest mother of all the women in my family. I am not to *zen parenting* yet, but I don't yell 90% of the time and I don't even raise my voice probably 75% of the time. I used to be a habitual yeller. GBD is FINALLY a natural reaction most of the time.

*I HAVE TOOLS!!!! Spanking is a one tool parenting philosophy with only escalating violence! If one thing in my GBD toolbox (like playful parenting) doesn't work I have another to fall back on (firm boundaries or the 5 steps)!

*My children are happy, mostly respectful people. They are pretty darn well behaved most of the time! I have seen a huge difference since I made that paradigm shift Crystal talks about. I am now a TEACHER of my children rather than a WARDEN of my children! I love the change! I see my role as completely different. It's no longer adversarial!
Post by: wombmate3 on March 13, 2006, 09:58:05 PM
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OH! I forgot this one!!!! OYBP has also changed my life too (and my DH as well, who was HORRIBLE before GBD about saying 400, 987, 098 times "stop that" and not following up with actions)! It STINKS sometimes to have to get off my butt (literally) but since I have made it consistant my kids just don't push me as often or as hard as they used to. Sometimes there is even immediate compliance! Just like you said, not because they are scared of me, but because the previous nine hundred billion times they have not sat down on the chair when I say "the chair is for sitting, sit on your bottom" I have then given them until three to sit and then sat them myself! They know they might as well do it because mom is going to do it for them anyway!!!
Post by: reneandbaby on March 14, 2006, 06:08:23 AM
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* I am a more playful parent now. I sing and play and giggle my kids out of bad moods instead of just getting irritated!
Oooooo...this is so true! This is another area that GBD has been so successful on building a positive relationship here. I was very *obedience* focused, coming from a very chaotic permissive household. I was very anxious that my words be seen as having meaning, that w/o GBD I would have really been ready to set up confrontations that weren't neccessary or warranted. I have that rethinking to the bottom line "What is it that my boundary is here?" and realizing that so long as the bottom line boundary is kept, it doesn't really matter how we reinforced it. So, instead of just saying "We're leaving the park now!" and hauling off a hysterical child because *we ARE LEAVING THE PARK, I SAID SO." we still leave the park, but we are a team. So, if hopping out of the park like a frog makes every leave with giggles instead of tears, we hop out like a frog. We're still leaving the park, but I'm not afraid to work *with* my children and really evaluate the situation to serve *everyone* as much as possible.

I also love that in the absence of punitive thinking, I can enjoy my child so mo much more. Even when I need to enforce a "you hit you sit" rule, because it's not about *punishment* but simply a boundary protecting other people's physical safety, the attitude is completely different. I'm not trying to make him uncomfortable, ashamed, upset, and I'm not angrily trying to inflict distress upon him. It's not a "you MUST sit there for X amount of minutes". I sit with him and explain very briefly why we are there. I'm make sure I have his attention, and then when he's ready to get up, he can get up and it's the end of it. It can be left behind without the tension of trying to "punish" him for "naughty" behavior. I love that. And he responds *very* well to consistent, GOYB parenting and firm rules.


Rene
Post by: red_head_angel on March 14, 2006, 03:10:13 PM
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Today as we were preparing to leave the fast food playpark, I gave a 3 minute warning, a 2 minute warning & and 1 minute warning. After the 1 minute warning DS yelled out "1 minute" to his cousins. Several other kids yelled out "1 minute" and mommas were apologizing for their kid. It was really cute. Not even a full minute later DS came to the table with his shoes in hand. I didn't even call him. I praised him for coming with out asking. All the kids did great and were ready to go. They knew that cousins would be coming over later to play.
Post by: Amber on July 29, 2006, 03:43:14 PM
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I can't remember how many times I have told Cole "hands off" and had to get up and help him when he can't/won't do it. Well, all our work is starting to pay off.

Today I took the boys with me to a specialty bra shop (I was way overdue for a new nursing bra). Cole climbed up on the chair and started touching the mirror above a dressing table in the dressing room. I calmly said "Cole, hands off". He smiled at me and took his hands off the mirror and went on to exploring something else. The attendant who was helping me said "Wow, he listens to you really well" He did great the whole time we were there (and it was getting close to lunch/nap time), I had to ask him to leave a few things alone, but I expected that, and when he needed help with opening his snack he asked politely (Hep Ple) and even waited patiently for the few seconds that it took me to open the package (I hate it when I can't get wrappers open )

Anyway, just wanted to share my success.
Post by: hsgbdmama on July 29, 2006, 07:14:30 PM
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It's wonderful to see success, isn't it? It is so nice to tell ds2, for example, when we are outside and he's heading toward the road, "come back up here" and he does. It took some time of my telling him along with the action of taking his hand or picking him up and bringing him back, but with time and consistency it works.
Post by: Mommy on May 12, 2006, 03:53:07 PM
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Wow- I have so many...
Simple one- getting the baby (19 months) to stop climbing on a bench at dd's cheerleading practice.
He climbs up onto it- I say- Jesse sit down. Still standing- Jesse sit down. Still standing- Jesse do you need help sitting down- Still standing- I sit him down.
Same scenerio again- two more times.
Fourth time he climbs onto the bench and sits proudly. He calls my name and pats the bench next to him- his way of asking me to sit with him. The pride in his face, the love and connection in his eyes would not be there had I spanked him.
He remembers the boundry too- it only took the four times one day, and one time a week later- now he remembers- and he feels respected loved and proud.
Post by: hsgbdmama on May 18, 2006, 03:11:14 PM
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Here is my success story from today:

Ds1 was upset with ds2 for taking stuff (even though ds1 hadn't been playing with everything) and was . I told him calmly that he will need to calm down in order for me to help him, as I cannot do so when he is and once he calmed down, I would help him get something else. He calmed down right away, and we were able to get him a comperable item, and for a **treat** (I clarified it was not a reward for his ) they are watching Lord of the Bean.

I love seeing the increasing success of GBD!
Post by: Wonder Woman on May 19, 2006, 04:48:02 AM
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I bought Jaden a rare treat (soy vanilla pudding) because we had guests yesterday, and I was serving them banana pudding for dessert.

He found one in the fridge this morning, and had a total when I said ' as soon as you eat your breakfast, you may have that'.

So I pulled him onto my lap, reflected feelings, and explained to him why he can't eat sweets first. (If you eat bites of this, it will give you tummy owies. Eat breakfast first, and then the treat won't hurt your tummy.)

He sniffled and said ok, then dh came in with breakfast and challenged Jaden to a race to finish breakfast first. Jaden won ( ) and then got to eat his pudding.

No more tears, no more hissy fits, and he and dad are best friends.

I *could* have punished him for wanting it and crying about it but the banana pudding was looking pretty good to me about that time - I'm just old enough not to sob about it
Post by: mellymommy on July 17, 2007, 05:29:17 AM
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At our foster care on-going monthly training last night we were discussing parenting styles. Our trainer asked how many people knew there were different styles of parenting...only about 4 or 5 out of nearly 30 raised their hand...she then asked how many knew THEIR parenting style...two of us (myself included) raised our hands. All of the parents were so eager to learn about authoritative/equalitarian and discuss how damaging authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved parenting are.

Well, when we got to the authoritative/equalitarian parenting style our trainer, who is getting to know me pretty well now and has had a fair amount of interaction with me and my children together, puts a "spotlight" on me as a model authoritative/equalitarian parent who knows how to pick her battles, gives her children freedom within boundaries, encourages them to be independent thinkers and doers while providing guidance and instruction, and offers love and support--even in the consequences--when behaviors are not "up to par." I couldn't believe it!!! I was floored and honored and humbled. I didn't feel embarrassed; TBH, I know everything she said is true (most of the time) because I work hard at it. I said as much, too. My husband praised my mothering a lot after our training and told me that he kind of follows my lead with the kids and knows that if I was a CIO-er (his words) that he would be, too, and he is glad that I am so full of grace with the kids.

WOW!!!

ETA: I hope the post didn't sound too proud or like I am bragging. I just want all my GCM mamas to know how much you all have changed me!!! Two years ago I was told how overwhelmed I seemed with my kids and now I feel so comfortable with them (and getting comfortable with fostering, too) and so true to myself and confident in my mothering choices. I KNOW my children better because of GCM and GBD and I know myself better, too. So, the spotlight should be on all of you mamas who have taught me!
Post by: OpalsMom on May 12, 2006, 04:34:53 PM
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When DD was about 19 months, she was the youngest of four children at an adult party -- the oldest was 4. The apartment was full of choking hazards and wineglasses on low tables, and the door was standing open. In turn, each set of parents took their child or children to the door and explained that it was not OK to go out. Each kid spent a while going to the door and checking to see how far was too far, and was told, calmly. One walked a whole step out and got brought back and spent a while being held. Nobody yelled, threatened, or hit anybody, and that one step out was the furthest any kid went, even when all the parents had relaxed and were too far away to grab them immediately. The cat was unmolested, nobody swallowed anything they shouldn't, and the only wineglass that broke was DH's fault. The kids were great in a challenging situation, the picture of obedient children whose idea of massive rebellion is putting a foot on the doorsill and taking it back when you say calmly "too far", or reaching for a strawberry and saying "just one more?" Not a punitive parent in the lot.
Post by: Leslie on May 12, 2006, 05:02:17 PM
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I've hardly ever posted in this particular forum because I haven't needed to. I've read Dr. Sears, Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline and quite a few others and the techniques have worked great for us. So there hasn't often been a reason to post. People usually tell me how wonderful, sweet and well-mannered my boys are (maybe they expect them to be wild and loud because they're boys?) I have great kids who have been no problem to take places (especially after the age of 2 or 3, when they were verbal and could understand instructions). I suppose it's possible that I've been blessed with all compliant children who want to please, but it seems more reasonable to me to suspect that it's the kind of discipline we've been using.

Miranda is my first spirited one, but we've managed to distract, hold, role model and talk to her to train her without ever spanking or swatting her and she's coming along very well. I just found Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and it's been a refreshing book, it's confirmed that we're on the right track.
Post by: Radosny Matka on May 12, 2006, 07:46:02 PM
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Let me tell you my first of many successes:

I started using GBD shortly after my 1st son turned 3. That week we went to the beach. He had about 10 minutes playing in the ocean before it started thunderstorming. We had to leave. He was not happy and started crying. I picked him up and carrying him to the car, spoke to him saying, "you are so disappointed. It's not fair. I really wanted to swim today too, etc etc etc." He kept on crying for I dunno, five minutes maybe. The crying suddenly stopped. He said no words, but he kissed me on my shoulder. It was his way of saying, "thanks, mom, for understanding and not getting mad. I love you." I will never forget that!

Here's another more recent one:

The other day at playgroup, there were a few of the older kids crashing push toys into eachother. All the mother's told their kids to stop. I explained to Nathaniel why he couldn't crash his push toy into the other kids. Nathaniel is the only one who is parented with GBD at that playgroup, and he was the only one who actually stopped crashing. The only one.
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