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Old 06-11-2009, 06:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Collected Past Posts Sharing Success Stories

Post by: Wonder Woman on May 12, 2006, 08:19:28 PM
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my pastor has commented on how well behaved Jaden is at church. As you can see from my av, things can be a little exuberant around there Jaden LOVES the drums, and would be on the platform with them in an instant. However, when he steps too far away from me, he looks back and I shake my head. He immediately steps back toward me.

Today, me, dh, and Jaden all are running fevers, have sore throats, etc. We really feel pretty yucky. None of us have been at our best today Jaden dumped an entire snack box of raisins on the floor, and when told to pick them up, flopped down on his side and started crying. I said "I can see you need help!" and started walking him over to the raisins, putting one in his hand, and walking him over to the trash. He started giggling, then said "I use da bwoom to hep you mama?" So, we used the broom together to sweep three rooms and clear away all the daily toddler debris. I count that a success, because he was able to A: express that he wasn't feeling so great B: retain his charming sense of humor even when VERY crabby C: brainstorm a solution D: pick up more than I asked him to.
Post by: J3K on May 13, 2006, 05:06:28 PM
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Today:
Becca was helping Hannah clean her room. (Of their own free will.) Becca began to lose her temper with Hannah. I called Becca to me and very calmly thanked her for helping her sister and explained that her tone of voice to her sister needed to change. Did she need help seeing things from Hannah's point of view? Yes , she said , she did. I gave it to her. She said "oh. I didn't see it that way. That's why I was losing my temper." I said "yes , from your point of view I can see why you'd lose your temper over the situation." . Becca then went back to finish helping her sister clean. Because she wanted to. Not because anyone asked her to.

Before gbd I would've yelled towards the bedroom (not getting off my rump to say it face to face) " QUIT harping on your sister ! ".

No one said "shut up". No one said "knock off the bad tone".

Post by: cornflower on May 13, 2006, 09:09:25 PM
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I'm sitting here giggling b/c I'm trying to think of some of our GBD success stories and am coming up blank. I'm not blank b/c there are not successes; I'm blank b/c GBD is so much part of how I interact with my kids these days that we are *avoiding* tons and tons of situations that would have become problems in the days when my parenting was more adversarial. My paradigm shift has made it possible for me to have high standards while not *creating* discipline problems for myself by seeing my kids as the foe to be vanquished.

In the GBD paradigm, I set the standard and then "make it happen." If the child in question gets upset by the making-it-happen, I don't feel personally challenged or over-involved. I said it, and we did it.

In the old adversarial paradigm, I set the standard and then tried to use punishment to induce the child to do what I'd said. Repeat punishment if they didn't do it. Repeat it again if they didn't do it. Sometimes I ended up having to help them do it even after the punishment. It was sometimes a 30 minute process to "make it happen." With GBD it's a 3 minute process. MUCH nicer, but it doesn't give me much to write about here.
Post by: Tulip_Plus_3 on May 14, 2006, 12:06:41 AM
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Last summer I was changing one of my girl's diapers. When I was redressing her bottom half I arbitrarily decided to put on a different set of pants than what she had just been wearing because I wanted to do a load of darks. So I put went to put on a different pair so the "just worn" pair could go in the laundry. The pants weren't really dirty, I did not NEED to wash them, I was just making one of those on-the-fly decisions, and I did not bother to speak a word about it to my daughter. I just did it.

WELL, she completely freaked out on me. She did NOT want the other pair of pants on, she wanted the first pair. Stupid me, I turned it into a control thing and refused to take her seriously. I forced the new pair on her, and she had a meltdown. I completely set my jaw about the whole thing & refused to listen to her. I stomped up the stairs so I could get away from her screams & cries. She followed me up the stairs. I went up to the third floor and she followed me further, wailing about her change of clothing. At that point I had no more stairs to run away from her, so I had to stop running & face her. One look at her precious little face, so broken-hearted, the look on her face of complete non-understanding of WHY I had done what I'd done, just the shock at being treated as if she did not matter...

Oh, had I been of a different mind-set I could easily have started spanking her back when she first got upset. I could have spanked her when she followed me. I could have spanked her for not stopping crying, or not just obediently doing what I said to do, or refusing to sweetly cooperate with her change of clothing...

Instead of seeing a rebellious 2-year old, I saw my daughter's humanity. I was immediately humbled & dropped to my knees, reaching out to her with my arms. She ran to me & leapt into my arms, sobbing her eyes out. Then she pointed to the chair I always read bedtime stories in, so I asked her if she wanted us to sit in that chair. She could barely choke out a "yes", so we went & sat there. I rocked her for a few minutes & she began to calm down. I asked her why she was crying, and she said it was because she wanted to wear the other pants, she did not want to wear the new pants. So I asked myself, was it really that big a deal that she wear THESE different pants? Would my world end if her other pants did not get washed that day? And was it fair of me to just take the other pants away from her (which I knew she loved) without a word about it to her? I decided the answer to my questions was no. So I asked her if she wanted to wear the other pants, and she whispered a soft yes. I told her that if she would go get them & bring them to me I'd put them on her (I'm not lazy, I was having a "bad back" episode at the time involving my S/I joint, something I still struggle with, so I did not want to go back down the stairs). She dashed off, brought me the pants, I helped her get them on, and it was like a ray of sunshine lit up her face! She threw her arms around my neck and told me that she loved me!

I told her that I was sorry I hadn't put those pants back on her, that I had made a mistake and I wouldn't do it again. It was SUCH a relief to say those words to her! To be able to admit to her that I had made a mistake and that I was sorry about it, to me, was a powerful lesson for HER and for ME. She learned that we all make mistakes and have the power to fix them. I learned that my children had matured to an age where they deserved more consideration and should be allowed more freedom & self-determination situations. I also learned that there is tremendous wisdom in not responding to our children's negativity with negativity of our own. I learned that by just taking the time to talk to our children, even little 2-year olds, we can often get at the root cause of the problem and help them. I learned that BIG feelings can be overcome with a gentle hug and a kiss.

Actually, all my kids know this now, and whenever anyone is sad or angry, even if they are angry with me, they ask for a hug & cuddle to help them calm down and feel good enough to talk about their problem. Just yesterday my son was pitching a fit about something (I don't remember what). He was working up some really big feelings and was raising his voice at me. I sternly warned him that he had better control his tone of voice. He screamed at me quite loudly, at which point I escorted him to the stairs so we could sit there & talk about how it is not okay to scream at Mommy. He knew he had done wrong so he was crying pretty hard at this point. When we got there he tugged at me to follow him up the stairs, so I did. He pulled me into the kids' room and over to the chair we use for bedtime stories. He said he wanted to sit on my lap, so I obliged him. We snuggled there for a few minutes, then he lifted his face up to mine and said, "Mama, talk! Talk!" I asked him if he wanted me to talk about him not yelling at me, and he said, 'Yes. Talk!" So we had our little talk, he said he was sorry, I kissed him, he said he was better, and then we were off on our merry way.
Post by: wombmate3 on February 18, 2006, 08:54:20 PM
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I tried to post this yesterday and my computer ate it, so forgive me if it shows up twice!

I have had a road this past 18 months! I have gone from punitive parent of a 2 year old who was completely out of control and a one year old who was having her spirit broken by my constant yelling.....to mum of three kids who 90% of the time benefit from GBD in their lives. We are a much calmer, much more loving, much more connected family.

Anyway, Gabe, who is almost 4 says to me now:
"Mom! I calmed down ALL BY MYSELF! I did a really great job, huh?"

His biggest issue has always been feelings so big he could not contain them in his little body! I have worked extensively to help him learn how to control and redirect those feelings, and it has paid off BIG TIME! I am so excited to see the pride in his eyes when he tells me he has done it!
Thanks ladies, for giving me the tools, and praise be to God for leading me here in the first place! I just clicked on a RANDOM link at a homeschooling website!
Post by: raisa on May 16, 2006, 01:14:50 PM
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Some of my favorite successful moments:

-2 yo hovering over a burnt-out fire pit (no fire, just yucky ash). Instead of yelling "No" or threatening, I said "that is for LOOKING at with your EYES!" while moving close enough to stop him if I had to. He made his eyes Soooo Big and Loooooked at it in this adorable exaggerated way . . .

-At the park with a 4 yo on his bike, who got Very Angry and wanted to leave. I said "can you use those angry legs to push the pedals?" And we played a game where I said "ride to the post and honk two times," Simon-says style. It turned into great fun.

-My 18-mo old has learned not to hit and pats and says "SOFT" instead. He also has learned to shut the basement door instead of trying to go down the stairs, to not pull my hair when I back-carry him, and to put food he doesn't want into the "no thankyou" place on his highchair tray (cup holder) instead of throwing on the floor.

Most importantly, my DH and I are learning to be loving, gracious and true with each other and as parents. To speak honestly and give positive instructions instead of negativity and manipulation. To not fear our feelings or use them to control others. To respect others and not assume the worst about them. To help each other feel and act better instead of resenting and controlling each other.

It's barely been two years of GCM, but such a huge blessing. Thanks for giving me another chance to thank you all and GCM for your mentorship and support.
Post by: Ali on May 16, 2006, 01:58:35 PM
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Just yesterday DS had gotten very upset about it being time to come inside, despite my giving him warnings (5 minutes! ect.). After the 5 steps, I ended up having to bring him in physically. He was LIVID and screamed "Noooo! Noooo!" just out of control and as loud as he could (directed at the poor cat) out of frustration.

I have occasionally gotten angry and given him an immediate (punitive) time out for that behavior, which just escalates the situation (DS reflects my own angry/punitive behavior that I'm modeling for him), and creates a vicious cycle. Then that ends with a mommy and son who gained nothing and lost connection.

This was not one of those occasions (PTL I am slowly learning to handle my frustration positively) and instead I said very quitely and calmly "I can see you are angry. Do you need a hug?" and I crouched down and held out my arms. He came over and sat in my lap and cried. I told him very lovingly "it's ok to be angry, but we don't yell at kitty. That hurts her ears. I know you wanted to play outside more but it's time to come in. Let's do X (something fun) now." We hugged and then he really surprised me by going to find the cat (now hiding under the couch) and saying "I sorry kitty". That is the fruit - a growing heart with an intact spirit, rather than a hardened heart and broken spirit.
Post by: ServantofGod on May 16, 2006, 06:52:08 PM
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Instead of a specific story, I can tell you about the overall tone. My kids are 9, 6 and 1 1/2. So, the two olders are old enough to really see how they take correction. I'm very proud of them! People very often remark on how pleasant and well-behaved they are. At a recent family gathering, my kids and several other cousins were playing outside with a big beach ball. My *14-year-old NEICE*, of all people, said, "They really get along well together...my sister and brother and I would have killed each other by now!" So, even a young teenager notices how the kids cooperate!

What has struck me over the years has been certain times where something could easily have *looked* like a rebellion, if I was operating from the adversarial mode. Once I understood everything that was happening in the situation, I really thought to myself, "Thank God I'm not coming from a place where we have to spank that behavior away!" It looked at first like he was defying me, but once I understood the whole situation, that was not the case. It also makes me think of times I was punished without my parents trying to understand the whole situation. How worthless and misunderstood I felt.

Even now, I'm doing the elimination diet with my little boy. Even that could easily be seen as, "Well, I just have to make him behave!" But if we just addressed everything with punishment, for one thing, he would have been punished 30 times a day and for two, it wouldn't be uncovering the problem, either. There really were moments where I thought, "Well, I just have to make him behave!!!" But I knew the biggest trouble with that would be that punishment would take over our lives. Mason was not even responding to correction. If we spanked him, he would be hit many, many times a day. But now, by doing this diet, that has changed. He isn't throwing outrageous tantrums. He is listening and responding to correction. There is definately a problem related to certain foods, but I never would have found that out if our Modis Operandi was punishment.
Post by: red_head_angel on May 16, 2006, 09:01:22 PM
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Thanks to GBD, I have learned that my toddler really just needs distractions. When things are getting bad, meltdowns, not obeying, etc., distracting him always turns it around and I have a happy toddler once again. Sometimes I have to stop and think what he might need at this moment, a cup of milk at bedtime, and distract him with that. It works wonders with him. I am also learning to say yes. The last 3 days in a row, he has wanted to 'wash' dishes. Yes he is going to make a mess, but in the long run he will be happy and I can do what I need to do. Of course the other day he broke a glass (thankfully it stayed intact), I calmly walked over, took it away and put it in the trash and double checked the sink to make sure there was nothing else there. Giving into washing really makes him happy.

I have noticed from using big feeling with my oldest that he will often tell me his bad feelings. It is such a joy that he can communicate those to me. I am continuing to GBD with him, as he is a High Needs and I have not found the one trick that works for him like it does for his brother.

As for the little girl I watch, learning her triggers is helping. Also a stern, No & me promptly moving in to redirect her is working well also. I have been teaching her 'gentle' (as I did with my boys) and it is the main thing we are working on right now. It really helps.
Post by: Ali on July 26, 2005, 09:49:33 PM
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I know we all come here for help with issues, so we don't often post the positives. I have always appreciated when others do, so I thought I'd share my own.

A while back, I had posted hear about my almost 2 year old running away from me when I called him to come inside etc. I got some great ideas, including one to have hold of his hand before I tell him it's time to come inside, or whatever, and set him up for success. This is what I tried to do as often as I could. I now rarely have to go to him first. I have learned to "read" him better and know when it might become and issue, and then I get proactive again. Me making it happen has taught him what mommy expects and can make it happen himself. Very cool! I got some other ideas here that I used as well, but so as not to ramble on, I'll just say thanks.

I don't even want to think of where my relationship with my son would be if spanking was always the answer . We have a wonderful, bonded, trusting relationship, and I know it's because I am actively extending grace to him.
Post by: mom2threePKs on October 03, 2005, 03:34:00 PM
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I post this both as a shameless brag and as what I hope is encouragement to others. Sometimes when sibs are toddlers and preschoolers and fight and pick on each other all the time it is hard to imagine that all this making amends and reflecting feeling does any good at all. So hopefully what happened at my house this weekend will be an encouragement to those that need it.

On Friday my dd5 came home from Kindergarten in a rotten mood and generally snapped at all of us over the afternoon. The afternoon ended with she and her big sister dd9 in a screaming fight. DD9 took a sip of dd5 water. DD5 started screaminga t dd9 that it wasn't her water and to give it back. DD5 then started out the door of the playroom and dd9 blocked the exit so she couldn't leave (This has happened before andis a big no no). Well all H3ll breaks loose. DD9 has a meltdown. DD5 acts like she is the victim of a horrendous crime. Thrity minutes later everyone is calm (Lots of talking, etc) and the girls tell each other how they felt when the other one offeneded them and apologize. They go to bed on the early side becasue they were clearly TIRED!!!!

The next day DD9 asks DD5 if she wants to go up to the playroom and play school. This is the activity that caused so many problems the day before. I stiffen. DD5 says yes. DD9 says, "Let's make a promise first. I promise i won't lock you in the room if you getmad, if you promise that you will talk to me and not just scream at me if you get mad." They make their promises and head upstairs where they play school for a good hour. DD5 comes down knowing how to add numbers greater than 10 on her fingers.
I told dd9 how proud of her i was later and she beamed!!!!!

Second story:
Today dd9 came home from school excited about reading buddies. The 4th graders get assigned a kinder to be a reading buddy with. DD9 teacher told her today that there is a little girl in the kinder class that needs a buddy with lots of pateince and kindness and she choose my dd as that child's buddy. So now dd can practice GBD on her reading buddy!



I'm just a little proud of her right now. GBD really really works.

Magan
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