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Old 07-07-2007, 01:27 AM   #11
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Default Re: Collected Comfort Corner Comments

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Title: Question about Comfort Corner
Post by: AttachedMamma on April 01, 2005, 06:55:21 AM
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I've recently made it known*(see below) to a mom's bible study group that we practice Attachment parenting. So, now it's possible I have set myself up for questioning/debates, etc. I suspect that one mom will really try to corner me on some issues. Let's take the Comfort Corner alternative for starters. (I'm sure the spanking stuff will eventually come too.) How do I explain that this approach is not considered isolating? How would I illustrate that it differs from TO regarding "being separated from the family"? Your thoughts?
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*We were discussing Agape love and I said that we have a glimpse of God's unconditional love working through us when we love our children in an altruistic way. The group disagreed w/me and said that only God is capable of Agape love. This one mom responded to my statement w/something like, "If we're totally honest w/ourselves, (felt like she was saying I wasn't being honest w/myself ), we see that we can't be that way w/our kids." She then gave an example of her child's "temper tantrum" (I hate that description!) and told how she was screaming in her room until she threw up. I could not help myself and said, "Not everyone is doing that--leaving their child in a room to cry." It took off from there....

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Title: Re: Question about Comfort Corner
Post by: MarynMunchkins on April 01, 2005, 09:00:01 AM
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I can't believe she used that line! So I guess since we can't be exactly like God, we shouldn't even try? Whatever!

Here's honestly how I would answer her...

(Romans 5:1 - 14)

1So what do we do? Keep on sinning so God can keep on forgiving? 2I should hope not! If we've left the country where sin is sovereign, how can we still live in our old house there? 3Or didn't you realize we packed up and left there for good? That is what happened in baptism. When we went under the water, we left the old country of sin behind; when we came up out of the water, we entered into the new country of grace--a new life in a new land!
That's what baptism into the life of Jesus means. 4When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. 5Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where we're going in our new grace-sovereign country.
8If we get included in Christ's sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. 9We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. 10When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. 11From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did.
12That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. 13Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time--remember, you've been raised from the dead!-into God's way of doing things. 14Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God.

We are told to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Lev. 19:18, Micah 6:8, Zec. 7:9, Matthew 19:19) It's pretty plain. Here's the definition of neighbor - friend, companion, fellow, another person
friend, intimate
fellow, fellow-citizen, another person (weaker sense)
other, another (reciprocal phrase)

Since it specifically speaks of other people who are weaker than us, it definitely includes children! They count as our neighbors, and we're to love them as God does. We're to be that reflection of God to them.

What is love?

4Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
5Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
6Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

I think "doesn't force itself on others" pretty much covers locking a child in their room while they scream until they vomit.

GL! I'm in a Bible studay at church, and I've opened myself up for the same kind of questioning. It's a little overwhelming and extremely frustrating. But someone took the time to explain it to me, and it changed my life! I want to give someone else the same opportunity.

Oh, I forgot to answer how you explain the difference between TO and the CC, even if the kids are separated. TO is designed to make a child feel guilty about the misbehavior (think about what you did) and to make being alone miserable enough that they don't want to repeat it. The CC is designed to help a child calm down and get a handle on their emotions. The parent can and will go with the child if they need help calming down, and there is no set time limit on being in there.

One is about external control, and the other is about regaining internal control, with help if necessary.

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Title: Re: Question about Comfort Corner
Post by: palil on April 01, 2005, 11:11:09 AM
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Great Responses, Mary... I'll have to bookmark that scripture to use if I ever need to reply to something like this!

Just wanted to add that I think the CC is also about teaching kids an effective way to respond to their OWN stress and upset, so that as they get older, they learn to recognize their own big feelings, and have a pattern in place for how to deal with them. I've seen a lot of Moms here who say that their kids will voluntarily go and *comfort themselves* in the CC b/c they've learned it's a place of safety or a way to let others know they need a break or some encouragement.

I am always amazed at how these kids are learning to identify and cope with overwhelming emotions at such a young age. Many adults who grew up in punitive homes and were not allowed to express emotion are still struggling with how to manage them. I hope when my children leave our home, they will have learned to be honest about their feelings and will be equipped to deal with them in a healthy manner... not stuffing them to please others, exploding b/c they haven't learned to step back from a tense situation, or being overly dependent on others b/c they don't know how to cope with their own feelings.

And what Mary said about a parent being willing to go WITH the child and *help* them calm down is really important. TO is a reactive tool that can easily be abused by a tired or frustrated parent who just wants the kids out of their hair. It typically doesn't have a lot of teaching involved with it either... the kid is just supposed to KNOW what they did wrong. Parents think they will make the connection between doing X and receiving Y (the time out). Problem is the parents are doling out TOs for a bunch of different offenses and at different "levels" of frustration, so the child perceives it as just an angry parent being a bully (and oftentimes that's exactly what it is!)


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Title: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: harmonyfarms on September 13, 2006, 07:52:27 PM
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I saw the sticky on HOW to make a comfort corner, but I'm still confused on WHAT a comfort corner is? And how to use it?


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: milkmommy on September 13, 2006, 08:02:20 PM
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here a comfort corner is just a comfortable safe place to take a "time out" not a punitive go think about why your a bad person for 10 mintues time but a place to take time and breath relax feel safe and good again so we can talk and regroup. How its used I think can differ a bit from family to family here we no longer have a specific place its the couch and a doll blanket or stuffed animal ( or combo).

Deanna


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: BlessedBlue on September 13, 2006, 09:49:56 PM
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I explained it to my sister as a "coffee break" for kids. You know when you're feeling overwhelmed, and starting to act poorly as a result, the best thing to do is take a break. It's a safe place to go to regroup. You can have someone come with you or you can go there on your own, and while you're there you can regroup emotionally. Of course, then she wanted a comfort corner of her own!

My spirited daughter goes to sit on her little couch whenever she needs a quiet moment. I'm so glad she's learning to calm herself down! Sometimes she asks me to go sit in the rocking chair with her so she can "take a break."


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: canadiyank on September 13, 2006, 10:47:59 PM
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Oh, I like the "coffee break" explanation! Yep, it's a place for them to refocus and calm down and gather their thoughts. You are teaching them skills to effectively handle their emotions - one of the best skills is to learn how to calm yourself, take a step back from the situation, etc.
It's not a punishment, and you can go there with them to help them calm.

For us, it's my dd's room (next door to living room, so still very "public")...I'll say, "Honey, you need to take a break in your room," and she'll go, screaming, throw herself on the bed, kick and flail, scream in the pillow, etc. then come out calm and refreshed a few minutes later. I have no time on it, she comes out when she's ready, and now she goes there of her own accord. Sometimes she needs me, other times she needs to be alone.

Does that make more sense?


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: harmonyfarms on September 14, 2006, 05:29:20 AM
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Yes this makes more sense but how do I get my almost 3yo DS to DO this? We have a chair that he really likes and when he was melting down I would ask if he would like to take a 'break' and he would go there. That stage passed. Now he says no and once of the only things that helps is either I walk away until the tantrum is finished and then I come back and pick him up and he cuddles. Sometimes I can pick him up right away but not if he's too upset. Thoughts?


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: joyful mama on September 14, 2006, 06:04:06 AM
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welll... sometimes I don't make it an option . " you need to calm down... .. you need to go sit on the couch for a bit." on the couch,(we hav ea big wraparound) I have a huge care bear and a couple of very soft blankets. so, now when normally a person would give a time out... i let her know its time to head there. my 2 yo is very good at this usually. if she's not and she really needs to chill a bit, we do the five steps. bear hugs almost always work. maybe it sounds punitive, but really, i'm not punishing her, i'm getting her to calm down before she hurst someone or herslef. I don't use a timer, make her sit in a corner, etc. and she loves the care bear... the other day she was getting really rough w/her sister, whenthe babysitter was here and her babysitter asked her to go sit down for a while, but didn't know where we 'do time outs' (I explained our methods to her but she still calls it time outs.) and dd headed right for her care bears until she was ready to use gentle hands...


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: blossomnatalia on September 14, 2006, 06:36:21 AM
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So you bring dc there....and then what ? my dd will NOT stay anywhere when she is melting down, like if I bring her to her room and give her books (she loooves books) she will scream and run out right away even so she is obviously not calm yet...Same with the couch and such other places....I have not been able to use this effectively yet. And the bear hug.....she HATES it passionably....she does not even want me to hold her when she is upset so...

I would like to use this but something is missing...



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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: LisaM on September 14, 2006, 06:53:06 AM
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Natalia--I'm there, too, with Gracie. When she's upset about something, she's UPSET--banging her head, screaming. She's 2 1/2, and I've been attributing this to her age and praying she'll outgrow it soon and become a little more rational in 6 months or so. Part of the problem is that if Simon needs me at the same time, it's really hard to meet both their needs because she has hurt him in the past (not on purpose--he was just in the way).

Right now, I'm focusing on prevention by making sure she always has healthy food available and trying my best to help her nap every day, though sometimes that doesn't happen.


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: joyful mama on September 14, 2006, 08:03:37 AM
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my dd gets over stuff very, very quickly. i think i'm lucky in t hat regard. She'll get upset, b ut is easily distracted. We move onto something else very quickly if needed. and we reach a lot of compromises....

Mine doesn't always like the bear hug either, but only occassionally needs it. Its a means of restricting her from hurting herslef and others, not always just a means of 'comfort' kwim? Its done with firmness and compassion at the same time.




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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: pneumaphile on September 14, 2006, 08:10:16 AM
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I went with and offered nursies until they were old enough to want to seek that comfort by themselves. It's not a comforting place because of anything that's there, it's a comforting place because they began, over time, to associate that place with a calming, comforting effect they got while snuggling with me, nursing, rocking.


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: canadiyank on September 14, 2006, 09:53:50 AM
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Hmmm, my dd never ran away or ran out, so I can't help much there. I remember taking her by the hand and taking her there. I have a friend who picks her ds up and holds him in the room on her lap. If she were escpaing the room I would stay there with her and read books if that's what she liked. I've heard of people who just walk away, too, b/c they need the break themselves.


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: BlessedBlue on September 14, 2006, 10:10:33 AM
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I have put DD in her room on the bed, and sat outside of the door in the hall (door is closed, but not shut) until we've both had a chance to calm down, before. That way she knows I'm not far away, but I get to take a break too...

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