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Old 06-15-2007, 02:21 AM   #15
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: violent
Post by: Heather Micaela on August 01, 2005, 12:09:23 PM
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I hate to describe my dd this way (nor do I say this out loud) bu that is the only word to explain her behavior as of late. She officialy turns 2 on Wed.

When she doesn't get her way she goes for the person she is most mad at and either hits, pinches, scratches, or pulls hair.

Some instances when this occurs:
I have let her try to clip the carseat herself (she can do part of it) but since today she is more interested in playing, I tell her I can't waint any longer and am going to clip it herself.

I tell her its time to go home from the park.

She wants the toy brother is playing with and he isn't ready to give it up yet.

She is already upset (HALTED) and just decides to "attack someone"

Dh takes her food bowl becuse she is just throwing food, not eating

We don't understand what she is asking for

I am busy and wont pick her up at the moment.


What I have done.
Removed her hands from the one being attacked
Told her that hurts then try to demonstrate genlte touches: hugs, stroking hair gently, etc.


I would love for her to "make it up" but she doean't get that at this age



Anyone know some age appropraite ways to help her cope with her anger/frustration?


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Title: Re: violent
Post by: Heather Micaela on August 01, 2005, 01:28:20 PM
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please respond. I really need help w/ this. THough Dh is trying really hard to be anti-spanking, this pushes him over the edge into "Threatening" H eknows violence begets viloence, but nothing esleworks


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Title: Re: violent
Post by: Wonder Woman on August 01, 2005, 01:35:06 PM
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but what you're doing sounds right to me - that's what we deal with. Except now ds has grasped not hurting others, and will scream and hit himself and claw at his own face. We say "be sweet to Jaden. Use gentle touches." And he calms down.




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Title: Re: violent
Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 01, 2005, 01:42:28 PM
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You're responding just fine when it happens.

Going from 18 month-ish to 2 is a HUGE change! For you, for your child, for everyone Your dd has figured out she is separate from you (finally sets in around 18 months) and now has come to realize she has wishes and ideas that are separate, her own, apart from yours She's asking the question, "How much power do I have over my world?" The mistake I usually make until I get so frustrated that I remember is that with a baby/toddler I tend to *do* stuff--just do it. I pick them up and move them, I trade the toy out and give them something else, blah blah blah. Well the 2 yo has their own ideas and doesn't want to be picked up and moved, doesn't want to have their toy traded, etc. A punitive approach says to just punish them until they stop asserting their will.

I say honor their will, shape it, woo it, train it I offer limited choices, give warnings for transitions, remind them of the rule before enforcing it. So with the food at the table I'd make sure to say, "You are throwing your food. That tells daddy you are done. Are you done? You're not? Then you need to eat it instead of throwing it. If you throw it again I will remove it." When we get into the car I give them a set time to buckle up--either until I get the baby in, or until I count to 30, or until I sing a song, etc. Then I buckle them.

Does that help at all?


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Title: Re: violent
Post by: OpalsMom on August 01, 2005, 02:24:13 PM
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Have you tried offering her acceptable ways to express her feelings? Gentle touches are a great way to express love, but not
so good as a way to express anger. Stomping can be OK; using words can be OK; an angry dance, an angry song?

I am proactive both in trying to keep her from getting that frustrated (lots of transition and distraction stuff) but also in trying to keep her from being tempted to bite me when she is (so she doesn't get to snuggle into my neck if she's already 9/10ths of the way to overflow; I'll carry her but in a position where her mouth isn't already right next to tempting, gnawable flesh). It's part of "I won't let you hurt me".


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Title: Re: violent
Post by: BornFreeBaby on August 01, 2005, 08:56:15 PM
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I'm just waiting for dd to get to this stage. There must be something about turning 2, where they ALWAYS seem to do this, from what I've heard/read. At least you know that she is acting "her age" even though its hard to deal with.
The only thing I can say, is what I'm trying to do w/ dd- Keep giving her the WORDS to use to deal with her feelings, teach her to say, "I'm MAD!" instead of hitting. I don't know, but maybe tell her to go hit the pillow? She's got those big feelings, and not enough words to express them, and doesn't know what to physically do with all of that energy. I like the idea of the angry dance or stomping...

Its hard for me to stop myself from getting upset with dd when she gets upset/angry, but I try to remember that it's okay for her to feel angry or upset, and I need to help her to learn to express it in the right ways.

Ugg its tough being a parent!! We just have to have this endless energy to be patient and teach teach teach... Lord help us!!



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Title: Re: violent
Post by: palil on August 02, 2005, 07:57:50 AM
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How verbal is she? Maybe she is really needing more/better words when she feels at a loss for how to express herself.. ? My just-turned 2yo bites, pinches, hits, headbutts, etc for a wide variety of emotions. It's exhausting and very aggravating when he hurts one of us. He is WAY more physical than his older brother.. but ds1 did go through this kind of thing, too, and improved dramatically as I put more effort into teaching and encouraging verbal communication from him.

I've been encouraging my little guy to hold out his hand and say "STOP" when he wants his brother to stop chasing/touching him. So I was changing his diaper yesterday and having to wipe a little harder then usual... he wrinkled up his brow, thrust that hand right in my face and yelled out, "STOOOOOOP" in a very authoritative voice.

What Crystal said rings a bell, too. I find that sometimes I haven't "moved on" to the next stage of development and independence with my boys, and they get frustrated b/c I'm treating them like "babies." Then sometimes, they *want* me to treat them like babies.. Ah, the balancing act of being a parent.


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Title: Re: violent
Post by: Heather Micaela on August 02, 2005, 11:57:23 AM
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I feel better that at least she is normal. It is true that I was modeling how to use her hands in a nice way but NOT showing her what to do w/ her anger.

She is VERY verbal, already and talks in complete scenteces I just haven't given her the words for anger.

I still wish there were some instant solution - but oh well.

I talked to Dh about your suggestions and he agreed they were good.


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Title: Re: violent
Post by: palil on August 02, 2005, 12:22:59 PM
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you can also try offering her a hand to hit (gimme 5). even if she refuses at first, she might plug in if you demonstrate and act silly with it... show her how you give 5 to one of your other kids, or take her hand and give her 5.. or show her how to hit something that's ok to hit.. like the couch. My ds usually cracks up when I "demonstrate" how to be angry, and then the worst is over.

I've had mixed feelings in the past about encouraging physical outlets for anger... I guess I figured that if I'm encouraging ds to hit a pillow, I'm still encouraging them to hit when he's angry.. :/ But then recently I was having a HORRIBLE day and when I hit a wall and just lost it I had to step out into the garage, yell at the top of my lungs and rant for a minute... I saw a small rubber ball and I picked it up and just threw it against the garage door. WHA-BAM! (I've never done that before) It felt good. It bounced back to me and I did it again. WHA-BAM! I did that about 5 or 6 times, took a deep breath and went back in ready to start over. It made me remember that when I was frustrated in college, I used to go the gym and shoot hoops, or--better yet--practice hitting *evil grin* (I played volleyball.. hitting as in "spiking") The physical exertion.. the act of forcefully slamming a ball into the ground as hard as I could.. the focus and concentration on excercising motor control... these things really helped me cope. I don't have outlets like that now, and I MISS them. That was a moment where I suddenly "got" how important it can be to have physical outlets for frustration and anger... especially for kids who find it difficult to do other constructive things.

i've also recently realized that we do a lot of "play" stuff that is probably confusing to an 18 mo.-2yo. Nibbling and "love bites" on ears, noses, toes.. "gonna get you" type gobbling.. dh likes to "smack" in play (but he hits hard! ) so my older son now think it's funny and affectionate to come smack me on the bottom Even stuff like playing "the dinosaur is going to chase you" since dinosaurs obviously eat their prey... Even tickling can be misinterpreted.. an excited 2yo might think that pinching is a form of tickling and ok to do when you're excited... These things occurred to me b/c my ds gets aggressive when he's overwhelmed with almost any emotion.. good or bad.
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