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Old 06-14-2007, 09:42 PM   #6
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Default Re: Collected Comfort Corner Comments


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Title: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 07:47:42 AM
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I read in another thread about if a child hits someone, to have them sit on the couch(or wherever) until they can behave nicely toward their sibling/whoever they hit.

What do you do when they WILL NOT sit?  Do you hold them there? Sit on them?(only half-kidding--my ds is very hard for me to physically control with my pg belly. He's very strong and gets away if I don't use all I have to hold him)


And a similar question on the Comfort Corner--say a child is just generally not acting nice(picking at his brother, intentionally running trucks into the walls when asked not to, etc). Is that when I 'should' send him to the Comfort corner?  And what if he WON'T go?  How do you "make" him go there and have it not be punitive?

And kinda along these lines again...what is your response when you ask your dc to do something/not to do something and they say "NO! I WON'T do that!"?

BTW, I am asking these questions in reference to my 4yo ds. I also have a 2yo ds and am due anyday with bb3.  I realize that the coming changes are most likely adding to the stress/misbehavior, but I am looking for ways to deal with all this BEFORE my time is more limited at the computer to do 'research'.


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM
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I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right?


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 08:02:55 AM
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Quote from: BetsyPage on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM
I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right?


I guess my quandry is what to do with the other child when sitting with the child in the comfort corner.  I am afraid that if when ds1 is acting out and then gets to sit in the Comfort Corner with Mommy, that it would be perceived as a reward for his misbehavior and then he would act out more in order for me to sit alone with him.

Does that even make sense?




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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 08:13:09 AM
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That does make sense. I'll be interested to hear "btdt" responses to your questions.


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 30, 2005, 10:18:41 AM
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Well you're coming at these tools from a punitive perspective.  There is no power struggle attached to them--no *forcing* them to sit or having to deal with defiant *NO* When we instituted the You hit, you sit rule I sat my children down at a time everyone was getting along.  I explained that there was too much aggression, which I understood because of all the changes we'd gone through, but the hitting and hurting needed to stop.  I told them that they weren't thinking right *in the moment* and they needed to take a break and collect themselves so they could make better choices.  So, from now on, when you're being aggressive--hitting or hurting in any way--I will tell you it's time to sit on the couch and take a break.  The first day or two I had to move them a few times to the couch, and even sit with them a couple of times, but after that they went on their own.  If they protested I assured them I would listen to them after they had taken a break and calmed down--that they weren't making any sense when they were that upset.  And I did listen to them--sometimes helping them resolve the issue, sometimes helping them rethink it, sometimes stepping in and changing something that was not working well.

When you're on the same side it's a totally different dynamic.


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: greenemama on May 31, 2005, 05:38:19 AM
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i had the same problem -- taking henry (3) to the comfort corner after hitting jude (almost 1) but having jude needing comfort and henry still batting at him and jude crying more.  so.  i did something similar to what crystal does.  i told him at a calm time that if he hits or hurts he will need to go and "take a break."  normally this is by himself so that i can attend to the baby.  if henry has hit me then i sit with him, normally, and it's more like the comfort corner.  i guess i use the comfort corner more for meltdowns and freak-outs rather than for hitting.  you hit you sit is more instant -- there's a chair here, a couch, a bench, a step, whatever is close so that he is instantly taking a break so that i can help the baby.  he does tell me now, "i don't want to take a break!" and i tell him, "you need to take a break, i will help you" and help him over there.  he's not obstinate about sitting normally -- sometimes he'll stand up and look at me like, "i'm standing now!" and i move towards him and he sits down so that he doesn't have to have help.     i don't know what i'd do if he were stressing out and refusing to sit.  i guess i'd be thinking it wasn't about the hitting anymore, more of a meltdown, and may move to try things like the bear hug. 

  it's hard!


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Title: I used "comfort corner" for the first time yesterday....
Post by: garrettsmommy on June 15, 2005, 08:19:16 AM
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It worked wonderfully. I had just picked ds up from day-care and we had arrived home. When I went to get out he asked me "you be right back". I said "no, we are going inside now." He freaked. For some unknown reason he did not want to get out of his carseat. I tried talking to him and tried figuring out what was wrong. Finally I just asked him "do you want to go to our comfort corner?" He stopped crying immediately and said "yeah". So we went in and got a cookie (I'm sure the reason for the meltdown was hunger) and went to our bed and cuddled then we ate dinner and he was perfectly fine the rest of the night. I was just amazed at how great it worked and resolved everything without any bad feelings.


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Title: CC problem:
Post by: amytug on June 21, 2005, 06:47:56 AM
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Do you let your children go to the cc all day, or is it just a special place for them to go when they are angry, etc?  I am having a hard time figuring that one out. I made dd a special cc corner today, but now I find she just wants to stay there all day.. lol  she got out to get a drink and went right back. the reason I ask, is because I'm afraid that she is going to start to get bored w/ it, ya know?  then it wont be so special, etc..

anyway, whattya think?

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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 21, 2005, 09:07:28 AM
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I think a couple of things are going on--one, it's new   She's testing it out, getting comfortable in it, seeing how it feels *on*.  Also, I suspect she's appreciating this because she does have big feelings and this is going to be her place to sort them out--maybe she's already sorting


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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: amytug on June 21, 2005, 10:15:09 AM
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Do i just let her go there all day to play, etc, or is it only a " cool down time" place?


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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: mama2mad on June 21, 2005, 10:21:08 AM
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I let mine all they want  it's been a few months and she still likes going to it, in fact, i had some stuff sitting in her way and she got onto me about it because she wanted to go read over there lol!!

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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 21, 2005, 06:28:24 PM
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I'd never keep my child out, I might direct them to go.

IOW, I'd let her spend as much time as she wants there   Unless, of course, it's interfering with somewhere else she needs to be


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Title: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: greenemama on July 03, 2005, 04:44:43 PM
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oh my gosh!  i'm so excited about this book! (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846)  i got it this afternoon and i'm about half-way through.  the thing is so practical and detailed and i think that dh will read it and be *into* it. 

for those who have no idea, buy the thing!  it's basically the comfort corner expanded -- so much more information in there than i could have asked for.    the idea "if he feels good, he acts good" is foundational in the book. 

anyway, i'm really inspired to be a better mama today after reading and being encouraged. 


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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: SunnyMeee on July 03, 2005, 06:19:23 PM
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Thanks for the review! 

I'm going to add this book to my need-it-right-away-wish-list.  Would you be willing to explain what you mean about it being "the comfort corner expanded"...Do you mean literally?  Or do you mean that whenever parent and child are together, it's like being in the comfort corner?  Or do you mean something else entirely? 

My Dh and I are currently reading Elizabeth Pantley's Kid Cooperation.   Actually this is a re-read for me, but my Dh wanted to read it together and I'm all for it!  Edited to add that my Dh hadn't read this book, but decided he wanted to and asked me to join him. 

Hope you don't mind me asking and thanks again for the    on this book!

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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: greenemama on July 03, 2005, 06:31:46 PM
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i guess what i mean is that the general idea of the comfort corner was fairly easy for me to grasp.  but the book gives you all kinds of ideas as to how to make it really work for your child (and for you). before i started reading i felt like i was not using the tool (comfort corner) as effectively as possible, but i didn't even know how to ask what i was doing *wrong* that was making the thing just silly and not working for us very much at all.  but the book *expands* on the basics of the comfort corner (she suggest assigning your own name, she calls it "positive time out," some high school class called theirs "hawaii."  )  and really explores the how and why more than i was able to articulate my need for knowing, kwim?



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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: SunnyMeee on July 03, 2005, 08:09:32 PM
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Yes!  I KWYM!!!

In the back of my mind I knew I wasn't doing something right, but couldn't put what felt wrong into coherent thought until I read your message.  Your description of not using the cc as effectively as possible and not knowing how to ask and exploring the how and why clicked with me and helped me pinpoint some of the areas in which I am lacking.  I'm certain there are more I don't recognize yet.

I'm sure reading the book will be of help to me.

Thanks again for sharing...



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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: Joanne on July 04, 2005, 01:21:59 PM
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The title doesn't really do the book justice.  It's a great book to explain positive discipline in general.  Great book, I agree!

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Title: Comfort Corner
Post by: Can Dance on August 18, 2005, 09:44:26 PM
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okay, just went through the thread and didn't see an actual age in which I could start using this tool. dd is having melt downs and screeching at me when she is not getting her way. how long can I reasonably expect these melt downs, I know until age 3, but what about helping her? is the only thing I can do at this point is ignore them? does she have to be at an age where we can solidly communicate why she needs to chill for a bit? maybe she is to young... so trying to get this GBD stuff on a more practical level.
C


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner
Post by: milkmommy on August 18, 2005, 11:08:20 PM
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We've done the concept of the comfort corner since our DD threw her first tantrum Its just changed over time...
At first her comfort corner was her room with mommy, I'd take her to her room telling her she was having big feeling and that was okay but that she also needed to calm down. I'd sit down with her and allow her to fuss and when she calmed a bit would hold her and nurse her.. As she grew we eventually madea more formal comfort corner (before it was just too much trying to limit her to one place) Now its a little toddler couch, our method is still simliar to how I first started except I expect her to help herself just a wee bit more. So now I'll sit her down and valadate her feelings but also state expecations and that when she's ready to calm herself (just enough that I can become part of her life again if you KWIM) I'll be here for her. I think soo far the hardest times were between about 2-2.5 its been weeks since I've had to officially use the comfort corner.

Deanna


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner
Post by: ellies mom on August 19, 2005, 02:09:11 AM
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Here is the link to this topic on Jane Nelsen's website. The part I wanted to mention is about halfway down where she is talking about how one mother of an 18mo handled a version of the comfort corner. It is very similar to what the PP mentioned.

http://www.positivediscipline.com/ar..._Children.html


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner
Post by: mrsramjet on August 19, 2005, 03:26:49 AM
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love this from that link

Quote:
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to help children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?
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