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Old 06-14-2007, 07:06 PM   #6
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: Allison on May 19, 2005, 02:15:29 PM
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You're doing good.  When I oldest start hitting (around the same age, if I remember correctly) I would say "No hit!  Hitting hurts! Gentle hands" and show him how to touch softly.  Honestly, it took FOREVER and I had to watch him very closely.  I noticed by about age 2.5 that he was no longer even tempted to hit. Now at age four, hitting isn't a problem at all.


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 02:35:16 PM
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Are you giving him something *to* hit? I'd suggest that he has a frustration he's trying to get out for which "gentle touches" isn't going to cut it   There are two parts to stopping this:  teaching him how to properly touch you and teaching him what he can hit.


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: ChibiBug on May 19, 2005, 03:10:38 PM
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You are on the right track...take his hands and say "touch gentle" and then SHOW him how to touch...eventually he will get the idea


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: Joanne on May 19, 2005, 03:23:38 PM
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Just wanted to add that aggression is a common stage kids pass through.  It's not acceptable, of course, but it falls well within the boundaries of age expected behavior.

Stop the hitting, direct the emotion appropriately, and teach a better way for "next time".  I'd also increase use of baby signs until his verbal ability and cognitive ability match.


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: nancymom on May 19, 2005, 05:10:21 PM
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I was about to post a similar question!  My ds is 2 and rarely, if ever hits.  But today he was upset because he wanted to keep playing in a puddle and I was carrying him away from it.  He was screaming and saying no and then he slapped me with both hands on either side of the face.  He only did it one and it was out of character for him.  I was so shocked I did not know what to do.  I just hugged him and redirected him to the backyard hose.  Now he is happily playing out there with dh.  I guess I should have not ignored it, but I just was caught off guard.  What should I have done?  I figured in the middle of a tantrum restraining his hands and telling him gentle touch would have made him more angry.  


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 05:24:23 PM
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I think you did fine.  If it happens again just add "I will not let you hit me" or "gentle touches--that hurt!" or something to let him know it's not okay


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: nancymom on May 19, 2005, 05:27:46 PM
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Thank you, Crystal! I am so excited to have this board to learn from. 


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: Allison on May 19, 2005, 05:45:48 PM
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That's what I forgot!  I actually learned about giving him something to hit at this site!  We used pillows.  If he tried to hit, we'd do the "No hit, etc" thing I described before and then I would offer him a pillow to hit. I was worried that he'd go around hitting pillows for the rest of his life when things didn't go his way (better than hitting people, but you know what I mean) but he shows no urge to hit at all anymore. 


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Title: Re: DS slapping ME!
Post by: MamaKanga on May 20, 2005, 04:43:07 AM
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My son is also a hitter. It's very frustrating. In addition to saying, "It's not ok to hit people. Hitting hurts. Use gentle touches like I do with you (and modeling the gentle pats while I speak)." I also did Crystal's idea of offering something he *could* hit. For us, it is a bobble--one of those big plastic blow-up things that you hit and it pops right back up. We have one upstairs and one downstairs and this has been amazingly effective in helping DS redirect his frustration. After working on it for a while, he will actually go hit the bobble all by himself, without my prompting. Just wanted to share!

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Title: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: musicmama on March 23, 2005, 04:40:19 PM
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I'm having a hard time redirecting my 10mo foster son. I KNOW it's young, and I find myself saying "no no" a lot. Help!

Also, how to teach GENTLE hands, he hits and he hits HARD! Luckily, the dog is sweet and takes it, but he's been pinching and hitting every child he comes in contact with, too.

Might be a moot point after court tomorrow, but good advice for later, too


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: nebraskanmom on March 23, 2005, 04:45:22 PM
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I usually try to redirect into more acceptable "hitting" like giving high fives.


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: mummy2boys on March 23, 2005, 06:38:04 PM
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Will watch this with interest....kind of advice we need right now


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: kris10s on March 23, 2005, 06:41:12 PM
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We do high fives, and I also grab her wrist (not too hard) when she is hitting hard and show her how to pat gently while saying "gentle hands."  Then I let her try.  If she doesn't touch gently, I do it again.  All with a firm but nice voice. 


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: musicmama on March 23, 2005, 06:47:27 PM
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Quote from: kris10s on March 23, 2005, 06:41:12 PM
We do high fives, and I also grab her wrist (not too hard) when she is hitting hard and show her how to pat gently while saying "gentle hands." Then I let her try. If she doesn't touch gently, I do it again. All with a firm but nice voice.


I have been trying to grab and do the "gentle hands" after I see the first hit, I'm assuming he'll pick up on it sooner or later. YAY! I was doing something right!


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: kris10s on March 23, 2005, 06:51:20 PM
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Great!  It does work, but it takes time.  DD sometimes (not always) will switch to gentle hands with just a verbal cue now.  He's older, so he might pick it up quicker than you think!


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: harmonyfarms on March 23, 2005, 06:53:42 PM
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We use "pat, pat".  DS is 17 mo and this has really helped.  Now he uses this as a form of affection.  It started (probably around 10 mo or so) with DH and I patting ds and saying "pat, pat, baby" "pat, pat, baby"  Now he knows what it means.  It allows to touch without hurting.  Good luck!


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 08:21:13 PM
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My 12 month old hits when he is happy/excited etc.  It's his way of "playing" 

I just take his hand gently and say "soft hands" or "gentle hands" while rubbing his hand on my cheek, arm, etc.  It's kind of par for the course with this age, especially boys.  Lots of energy, lots of exuberance, and no concept of self-control, if/then, etc.  

If he's hitting when angry, then you might want to consider if it's learned behavior from a former home.   In that case, still do the above.  "Gentle hands, soft hands" while giving him language for his anger "You are mad that you can't play with that".  Use lots of positive wording and quiet voices.

I wasn't sure from your post if it's angry hitting or just baby excitement hitting.

For the redirecting, try saying "Not for ______.  Here is your ball" while substituting the acceptable toy.  Or scooping him up when he is heading somewhere off-limits and playfully "flying" him to an okay area. 


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: Tengokujin on March 23, 2005, 10:34:11 PM
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I agree with what everyone has been saying here, but want to add that this all takes TIME!!  I have been teaching "gentle" since DS could crawl, and it takes time for it to sink in.  At first he will do it as you demonstrate on the poor dog, but eventually, one day you will catch him being gentle on his own!  But even then it isn't over. 

I guess I am trying to say that there is a LOOOONG gap between the beginning of understanding and guaranteed 100% doing it.  And you can lose your mind in that LOOOONG gap  :P


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: Joanne on March 24, 2005, 06:08:50 AM
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Adding one more thing to the great advice.

Try using more descriptive words that explain the boundary "Sharp!" "Hot!" "Ouch!" "Mom's".  It's still a no, but it's cloaked. 


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Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting?
Post by: musicmama on March 24, 2005, 08:00:17 AM
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Quote from: Joanne on March 24, 2005, 06:08:50 AM
Adding one more thing to the great advice.

Try using more descriptive words that explain the boundary "Sharp!" "Hot!" "Ouch!" "Mom's". It's still a no, but it's cloaked.


Ooooh, excellent. It's more an issue NOW because we haven't put locks on the cabinets. So redirect him from the remote with "Not for Boo, that's mama's, THIS is Boo's!"  Too many words?? He was in his highchair when I opened the oven last night, but I made a huge deal about it, pointing and saying "HOT" Was that okay?

I do understand it will take time, honest. I just wanted to be heading in the right direction. I don't know yet if it's angry or play hitting. He DID hit my friend's daughter when she got up in his face, almost in self-defense. The last baby we had was only 4 days old when we got her, so they LOVED getting in her face, he didn't like it so much. He's also pinching, but again, I'm still trying to discern if it's playful.



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Title: Really need some advice
Post by: gamomof2 on March 18, 2005, 12:04:14 PM
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My kids have hit a stage where they are *constantly* bickering and arguing, annoying each other, etc. My dd gets very mad and hits her brother, and she also has started saying very unkind things to him. What is the best way to deal with this? I have heard of the book "Siblings w/o Rivalry"; is that one of the best to read? It is getting so difficult to even go anywhere, because they are constantly at each other. Especially in the car!!! :/


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Title: Re: Really need some advice
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 18, 2005, 12:15:42 PM
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Yes--I'd recommend that book pronto!

I would also work on offering them scripts for getting along and working things out, taking turns, and separating them into their own safe spaces as needed


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Title: Re: Really need some advice
Post by: TulipMama on March 19, 2005, 02:39:28 AM
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I agree with giving the kids scripts. One we use here is, "I don't like it when __________."

Also, I've been working with my boys going through the below process. I read about it on Carol's blog (http://parentingdecisions.com/blog/2004_06.html#003001), but I believe she found it in the book Emotional Intelligence (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...=UTF8&v=glance). It's been very helpful for us, and I think it is laying the foundation for the Matthew 18 idea of going to the other person. . . (Though, with kids, I think that takes time and right now this requires a lot of help from me.)


STOP
Calm down.

Think before you act.
Say the problem.
Say how you feel.
Set a positive goal.
Think of lots of solutions.
Think ahead to the consequences.

GO ahead.
Try the best plan.


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Title: Re: Really need some advice
Post by: cornflower on March 19, 2005, 07:10:19 PM
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I've found scripts to be great. I followed Crystal's advice on the old board and taught my girls to stop and say, "May I have the next turn?" I've been absolutely *floored* at the difference this one script has made in our lives! Even my 2yo will (when reminded) stop screeching "let go! let go!" and ask, "Next turn?"

Learning to teach them scripts was an "A-HA!" moment for me... for some reason it'd never occured to me that I needed to teach them the words to use to interact with one another.


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Title: Re: Really need some advice
Post by: phermion on March 20, 2005, 09:58:11 PM
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Scripts!! Thanks! We've used the idea with hospitality issues, role playing for expectations when we go out or meet new people, but why didn't I think of using them for personal interaction at home???
TulipGirl - thanks for the process you posted - I'm going to try using that for me.

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