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Old 06-14-2007, 07:00 PM   #5
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Title: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 13, 2005, 08:58:04 PM
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My oldest dd is the one that needs the CC. She has big emotions, and we have an antagonistic relationship. Usually when I tell her to go cool off in the CC, I know that the best thing for her to calm down would be for me to go with her. Even though I know this, I don't want to go. I guess I am still in the punitive mindset. I want her to be punished. Actually it's mostly that I don't want to look at her or be around her because I am so angry with her. We have been dealing with behavior and attitude problems since she was old enough to have them! I am in such a negative pattern of relating to her that I don't know how to break out of it. As soon as she starts, I get this "here we go again" feeling and I just don't want to deal with her. I am tired. I am so tired of the whining, crying, fighting, fussing, tantruming, etc. It's always something. Some days I do really good. And some days I just don't want to be in the same room with her. I need to find away to re-attach to her. How do I accompish this when I am going out of my way to avoid her all day? Obviously I need to get a grip, act like the adult, and love her uncondionally.

This didn't end up really being about the Comfort Corner. Oh well. I needed to get it out. If you have any kind words, I would appreciate them very much.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 13, 2005, 09:00:49 PM
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  sounds like a case of like mother like daughter

Have you tried just out loud reflecting your own feelings.  "I'm so angry.  I'm frustrated that I'm trying to help you understand and you are yelling at me."  (or whatever)  It will help you and model for her how to handle big feelings.  And I think going with her to the CC would be good for both of you!  You can't come out until you are both getting along


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: mama2mad on May 13, 2005, 09:04:33 PM
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I could write this exact post too some days 

we're working on it though, trying to figure out how to address her big feelings but not get her going even more over the edge




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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: MarynMunchkins on May 13, 2005, 09:08:17 PM
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My dd makes me feel the same way a lot of the time too.  She's my drama queen.

Reflecting my own feelings helps a lot.  "I'm really angry right now.  I don't want to deal with this."  Honestly, I've found that saying "I'm going to go sit in the CC because I'm angry" and moving makes her more likely to want to come sit too.    That and keeping chocolate around for both of us.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 14, 2005, 09:23:03 AM
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What if you can't go to the CC? It seems like most often this happens while I'm cooking, nursing, and driving. I'm also just really bad at switching gears. If my mind is going one direction, I have trouble moving to something else. I am not a multi-tasker.




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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 15, 2005, 08:22:11 AM
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Sounds like maybe you are going to need to be more proactive at those difficult times.  And it sounds like she might want your attention when she feels it's the most  absent.  How can you include her in those times?  And can you give a specific example from one or all of those times of what the conflict is so we can offer some more specific help?


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 15, 2005, 07:31:18 PM
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Quote
And can you give a specific example from one or all of those times of what the conflict is so we can offer some more specific help?

The worst is when she and her brother start fighting while I'm trying to make dinner. She'll get frustrated with some situation (like sharing a toy or he won't do what she says) and start crying. I will tell her that she is frustrated (she usually agrees). Most of the time I can get them to find a solution. But sometimes she is just in a bad mood and then I will tell her to go chill out in the CC until she can handle playing again. But she wants me to go with her. I'm up to my elbows in dinner prep. The baby is fussing, the toddler is demanding something to eat NOW! I just have very limited patience in this situation. I don't want to stop dinner, ignore the baby and the toddler so I can go read her a book. I mean, if the meal prep is so important that I'm letting the baby fuss, then I certainly am not going to stop what I'm doing to sit with a 5 yo. (BTW usually this is a situation where I am dealing with raw meat, or having to constantly stir something. Nothing I make for any meal requires that I be totally unavailable for huge amounts of time. We're talking 5-10 minutes.)

I think I have made the mistake of trying to talk her out of her "fits." We just go round and round and I end up getting more and more frustrated. I do try to reflect my own feelings, but I think it comes out more like, "You are making me mad" rather than "I am getting angry."

You hit the nail on the head when you said "Like mother, like daughter." It really scares me sometimes. And shames me. Every negative character trait she has, comes directly from observing me.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ChibiBug on May 15, 2005, 10:19:08 PM
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It is a huge learning curve for most of us Desiree...It's having to re-learn how to be a parent.  Most of us in our generation were spanked...we were raised in a punitive environment, so that is all we know.  You have to throw everything your momma taught you out the window and gain a new perspective on how to parent.  I know, it is soooooo much easier said than done.  Can I share a personal testimony with you???

Tonight Alex did not want to go into his bed. I had to physically pick him up with him grabbing the walls and having a fit like you would not believe. In the past this would have made me angry and it would have been a battle of the wills to get him in bed and keep him there. Before I would have yelled, spanked, yelled, held him down in bed...you name it...but most of all I would have been MAD!  Tonight was a breakthrough for us.  Instead of getting upset, I took a look at WHY he was acting as he was....he was tired, he has been sick and he has just as strong of desires as I do...if I don't want to go to bed I don't..but because he is little and can't make that choice on his own, I made it for him. I took him to his bed, laid him down (with him fighting and kicking). I gently stroked his head and began singing "Awesome God", which is his favorite song. I didn't even get the 3rd word out of my mouth before his little body relaxed and the screaming stopped and he cuddled up in my arms and went to sleep in less than 5 minutes. I knew he was having a hard time, so I laid with him until he was sound asleep.

Will this set a precedence and will he expect mommy to lay with him every night...NO...but what it did was put my child's needs above anything else and that is what we are called to do as mommas and pappas. I know that if I was having a bad day and I didn't want to go to bed, that Jesus would stop what he was doing and cuddle me until I went to sleep.

Grace Based Discipline is about stepping back, looking at your child through THEIR eyes and asking WHY are they acting out and then meeting their needs. You just have to stop the anger, and stop the stress.  Don't take things that your child does as a personal attack or insult (this has been a HUGE struggle for me to accomplish).  Talk to you child like YOU want to be talked to...touch your child like YOU want to be touched...treat your child like the Lord would treat your child. When you don't want to even look at your child...do it anyway, go to her and love her...it will make your momma's heart feel soooo much better and it will get easier to love her THROUGH the tough times.  It's not easy to change our selves, but it IS a quick transformation once we allow the Lord to change us.

I am new to GBD, only about a 1.5 months into putting it into practice...but there has been a radical transformation...the past week has been the greatest for us because of the help I have been getting here in learning how to re-think and how to stop taking things personal.  I hope some of what I have posted might help in some way.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 16, 2005, 10:22:17 AM
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Can you engage her in helping with dinner?  Can she help stir?  Can you ask her to tell you a story while she waits for you to finish what you're doing in the kitchen?  Will she accept you setting the timer for 5 or 10 minutes until you can go to the CC with her? If she's extremely extroverted then she probably doesn't want to be alone.

And as you find solutions to help her deal with her big feelings you will probalby find healing not only for how to handle your own feelings--but for how they've been mishandled before


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 16, 2005, 07:16:04 PM
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Quote from: ArmsOfLove on May 16, 2005, 10:22:17 AM
Can you engage her in helping with dinner? Can she help stir? Can you ask her to tell you a story while she waits for you to finish what you're doing in the kitchen? Will she accept you setting the timer for 5 or 10 minutes until you can go to the CC with her? If she's extremely extroverted then she probably doesn't want to be alone.


She loves to help with dinner, usually. She is hard to redirect though if she REALLY wants something. She hangs on for dear life. The timer might also help. But like ChibiBug said, I have to make myself do it, even when I don't want to.

You are right, she is extremely extroverted. And part of the problem is that I am extremely introverted. By dinnertime, I just need to be alone. I can't stand one more noise, one more problem, one more "helper", anything. My husband will come home in the middle of all this, get out his guitar and start playing, and it sends me overboard. I just can't seem to handle the levels of stimulation in my house. Especially when I am tired at the end of the day.

Thanks for the suggestions. I am going to try the timer one. Today was not a good day either. I am not spanking, but I am still yelling. Today, when we had another episode in the car, all I could think was that if I spanked her, I could get her to stop. I didn't do it though. I just turned up the praise and worship music and tried to make it home without losing my mind.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 16, 2005, 07:20:41 PM
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Desiree--is your dh willing to engage dd in his guitar playing?  Does he step in and help at all?


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 16, 2005, 07:29:06 PM
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The example of the guitar playing is just what I use to demonstrate my inability to cope with lots of stimuli. He does not do this all the time.

Yes, he helps redirect the kids when he knows I am stressing. But he works an ever-changing shift, so nothing is ever regular. He is also involved in many things that take him away at unforseen times. So, I can't really depend on him to help at dinnertime on any regular basis.

I was thinking that maybe if I make more of an effort to plan my meals, then I will be less stressed at this time. Then, maybe I can set aside some afternoon time, right before dinnner prep, to "be with" the kids on their level. Maybe play a game, read books, draw, or play with the blocks. Then when it comes time to make dinner, they will have their fill of me and will play together more contentedly.

(Oh, and btw, whenever that guitar comes out, all three of the kids start dancing, jumping, laughing, and just generally acting CRAZY. They love it, but it is a huge ruckus. I don't mind this if they are in the other room, but when their getting in my way in the kitchen, I get a bit grumpy.)



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Title: Happy ~ Happy! Comfort Corner!
Post by: TulipMama on May 26, 2005, 09:26:53 AM
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I'm going back to read the Help Me With My Comfort Corne (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...hp?topic=499.0)r sticky because in our new house I have a place for Comfort Corners! 

The Comfort Corner for the boys is in an alcove in the living room.  My 6 y/o immediately gravitated to it and moved the child rocker there. *grin*  Right now, that's all that's there, but we'll develop it.  Already we've been able to use the rocking chair there for some quiet moments.

And, in the master bedroom, I have a window and a big space to turn into my very own Comfort Corner.  Hubby didn't even roll his eyes (as he's apt to do about girly stuff sometimes.  *L*  Then again, he has his own office with a door now, that he's planning on fixing up for his own retreat space.  So, I think he understands.)  Nothing is there except piles of stuff that still needs to be unpacked and put away, but still.  I'm excited and feel happy just having it.

Today I hung a mobile my mother made from copper and beach glass in my kitchen window.  It reminds me to breathe and pray and be peaceful admist the business of the day and work.

*grin*  Just had to share my comfort corner excitement!

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