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Old 06-14-2007, 03:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

discussion continued. . .

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: mummy2boys on March 23, 2005, 03:39:33 AM
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Well we implemented this tonight....its just a lounge chair but it will do for now...I explained it all to them and they added a teddy each and a book so we will see how it goes

Now I just gotta explain it all to my DH

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 04:19:04 AM
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I end up redirecting to a "sitting down" activity a lot. (play doh, drawing, etc.)

I've had the same problem with it turning into a battle over the sitting down part. Staying with him and hugging (if he'll let me) or just waiting until he's ready to fix things or try again sometimes helps... but not always. Sometimes I can't go with him for one reason or another (up to my elbows in something wet/dirty, making an important phone call, etc.). I reserve the option of removing him to his room for extreme cases, mainly b/c it's a full flight of stairs carrying a gigantic (protesting) 3yo. Also b/c while I'm sitting with ds helping him calm down or talking to him, my little guy starts crying and looking for us. We are working on our yard, but I don't think I'll ever be able to just "send" them outside. We live on a curve, are not allowed to fence in our front yard, and have a creek in the back that tends to produce snakes. ICK. They don't go out unless I am with them. Unfortunately, that limits their outside time, but that's just life for now.

I realize, though, that part of the problem is I *didn't* start it early and just make it a part of "how things are." (And I haven't really started it much with my toddler, either... I just keep waiting until he's "ready.".... and now he's probably way past "ready." *sigh* My comfort corner is RIGHT THERE begging to be used! I'm trying to get back in the habit. I also need to make a point of explaining it at a neutral time... I guess I have never really done that... I just started implementing "breaks" and figured they would pick up on it.

hmmm.. good things to think about.

I've wondered before.. if you use it for general *hurting* each other and not just hitting specifically... do you still use the words "you hit you sit" ?
Much of our violence takes a form other than just simple hitting. (What can I say? My boys are creative! ) So do I just modify it... ? You smash, you hit. You kick, you sit. You pinch, you sit. You bite, you sit. When I've started down that road before, it felt... sorta punitive... like I was just making them sit all day over and over... also a bit counterproductive when the *reason* behind their hitting is related to excitement, pent-up energy, frustration with a toy or a sibling, and typical little-boy assertiveness.

Not trying to be difficult, btw... I've been interested in--but conflicted about--this particular tool for some time now. It's a very interesting discussion.

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: greenemama on March 23, 2005, 06:28:33 AM
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what about hurting with words, is that applicable? i mean, i know that the CC helps you to regroup, relax, just get out of the zone of aggression, so maybe it wouldn't apply to saying hurtful things. although, i am more prone to *need* the CC when i've been verbally wrong -- yelling, or when i feel like i want to yell at the kids.

this would probably be for an older child, but would you use the "you hit, you sit" in the CC when your dc is hurting others verbally?

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 23, 2005, 09:45:18 AM
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well the comfort corner is for any time you've lost your cooperation, your listen, your cool

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 10:06:06 AM
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I've been using "you hit you sit" with my children since my eldest son was 2 1/2 or so. (almost 8 years!!! ) Of course, the 10 year old doesn't need this anymore.

What we do:

Calmly but firmly say "You hit, you sit" while taking child to sitting spot (in our case it's the first step on our stairs. It's out of the way but not isolated). I then tell them I will let them know when they can come "make it better" to their brother. (I use about 1 min per age of child). As soon as the time is up, I go to them and talk about what happened and what choice they can make next time instead of hitting. Sometimes I do this during the sitting time. Other times, I am comforting the child who was hit so the explanation time waits.

Then I ask how they can "make things better with their hands since they hit with their hands". I'll give some ideas if needed (a hug to their brother, bringing a treat to their brother, etc).

If my child is thrashing, yelling, kicking to the "sit spot", I simply help them there and help keep them there if needed (bear hug, re-sitting them each time they get up, etc).

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 10:09:01 AM
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For words, etc, we use a "cool down" approach (basically a cuddle corner but re-phrased in language my older children prefer ). Then, the child needs to "make it better" with his mouth (ie, saying something kind, giving a praise, etc)

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 10:35:00 AM
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grrr.. this is not working.

what do you do with an 18-mo old? He is not getting it.

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: greenemama on March 23, 2005, 10:57:46 AM
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Quote from: ArmsOfLove on March 23, 2005, 09:45:18 AM
well the comfort corner is for any time you've lost your cooperation, your listen, your cool

aha. i'm totally starting to get this.

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 11:23:38 AM
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ok. I decided to try this today. I explained first thing the morning what we were going to do today.

my ds2 (18 mos) hurt his brother this morning and I took him to the CC and stayed with him... told him he hurt C. and asked if he could make it right. He said "no, no no..." so we sat for a bit... then I brought it up again... "no, no, no.. ." He wouldn't stay there by himself, so I had to sit with him.. which was totally fine. He seemed to like having me all to himself and was asking to play or nurse, etc. We repeated that scenario several times, and I even took him into where his brother was playing a couple of times.. he understands "apologize" and "make it right" and is usually very quick to give a hug and kiss (he doesn't say the word "sorry" yet), but he wouldn't.. "no, no, no..."

Finally after more than half and hour I just gave up.... I can't spend the rest of the day doing that with him, and I can't (won't) forcibly confine him for the rest of the day over this. Is he just too young? I've never even considered trying "you hit you sit" with him until I read this thread... he just didn't seem old enough.

Also... QuietSpirit you mentioned having your kids stay sitting for a time period until you tell them to come make it right. I have shied away from doing that b/c it seemed like a traditional time out. If my 3yo says he's ready to try again or make it right, then he can come out... but it does frequently cause a problem b/c he's always INSTANTLY ready to come out (even before he's sitting LOL) and I still need to deal with little brother who is crying/hurt.. not to mention my own frustration.. I feel like I'm just teaching him that saying you're sorry makes everything ok and wins your freedom back.

I have never used this tool successfully, but I don't want to give up on it until I'm sure I've given it a reasonable amount of effort and a proper implementation. Any help? Anybody see what I'm doing or thinking wrong that short-circuiting this? Is it possible that this tool is just not a good fit for our family?

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: elcollins on March 23, 2005, 12:46:36 PM
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<<Is he just too young? I've never even considered trying "you hit you sit" with him until I read this thread... he just didn't seem old enough.>>

I do think he is too young, especially for the apology part. I do not require my little boy to make amends, I think even at two he is just not ready. I am thrilled that there is a dramatic reduction in rough play. He loves my girls and just the act of seperating them is deterrant enough to get his attention.

The point is to diffuse the situation, protect the other child, and have them learn at some point that certain behaviors are not welcome.

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: ainsleesmommy on March 23, 2005, 01:57:18 PM
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Well, I've only recently started it, and right now don't care if it's punitive, cause I'm still angry about it. Dd has never been a hitter, is not a physically aggressive child and lately has been slapping me across the face when she's upset.........and she's been upset a lot lately. She has a cold or allergies or something, and not feeling great, and I understnad that, but if she wants to stay alive, she'd better not hit me..........(that's my instincutal reaction)
I was so afraid to do anything because I was so angry that I discussed with dh and then we both discussed with dd before we did it.
I use a set time. She will NEVER say she's sorry, unless it is spontaneously, hours later, after she is up and harmony has been restored. I don't call it a punishment, I call it a reminder. As in you need to sit in the chair to remind you that you are NOT to hit your mommy!
I'll let you know in a year or two if it works LOL! We are having lots of really stubborn issues with her right now, so the time-out method is better than requiring something of her right now.
She sat for two hours sometimes with us and sometimes alone, etc., with numerous offers of help and discussion on "lighter" topics once before she would pick up a toy..............so I just can't do that more than once a day.
She is such a drama queen, too, that putting her in the chair is lots of screaming and carrying on, miraculously she has always calmed a "bit" before I let her out. (You have to pounce on that moment rather quickly, too)
Anyway, that's our version.

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 05:53:57 PM
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Palil,

Yes, he's too young At his age, I would focus more on "Oh no (spoken in a sad firm voice) hitting hurts" while giving the hurt child a hug. Then saying "Can we give brother a love and make it better?" while hugging the sibling. At 18 months, you are both modeling giving loving gentle touches and teaching that hitting is not acceptable. But, you can't really use the "you hit you sit" at this age. He's just not developmentally ready to get the "if/then" scenario.

For the specific time period with my children, I do that when they are older (around 4). Younger than that, I lead them to the sit spot and go through the same teaching scenario (hitting is not acceptable. It hurts. How can you make it better with your hands?" and then allow them to get up to make it better. It's all in how you approach it (in terms of your mind set). For me, my mindset is "Hitting is not acceptable. My child needs a place to calm down and think while I attend to the other child. Then I can go to the child that hit and address what happened and how to do it better the next time." As opposed to a Time Out where the mindset is "Hitting is not acceptable. I must punish my child by isolating them until they've learned their lessen". Etc

Does that make more sense?

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 05:55:10 PM
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Also, It helps to remember that it is never helpful to force an apology. Apologies must come from the heart of the child or they mean absolutely nothing. :/

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 06:00:45 PM
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Yes, that helps clarify.. Thank you. I agree that forced apologies are a bad idea.

I am trying to incorporate some new wording and suggestions into my "hitting" response so that ds can start learning it's about more than just an apology. One of my pet peeves is when somebody instantly reacts with an flippant apology instead of acknowleging the hurt they caused.. so maybe I'm a bit over-sensitive. :/ I guess if he instantly has a change a heart and wants to apologize, I should continue letting him do so.

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Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 06:03:00 PM
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I know what you mean. I've had those same thoughts about apologies. :/

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Title: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out?
Post by: Laurie on September 26, 2005, 09:30:57 PM
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I think I understand the intent of the "you hit, you sit" idea; that it is an opportunity for a child to calm down in a sfae area, either in the same room where the hitting occured (not isolated) or in a "comfort corner", and that the tone is not punitive. Are there other differences that I'm not seeing?

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Title: Re: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on September 26, 2005, 09:38:42 PM
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typically they are taking a break until they are ready to make amends--rather than being isolated for an arbitrary amount of time with certain expected behavior (i.e. no fussing, etc.) It's also a very helpful tool when you need to stop the hurting child and take care of the hurt one. Another thing I try to remember is that children do not typically hit unprovoked. So I'm not punishing or focusing on the behavior of the hitting child because I'm going to get back to them and address the issue from their perspective also.

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Title: Re: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out?
Post by: Joanne on September 27, 2005, 05:14:10 AM
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Quote:
I think I understand the intent of the "you hit, you sit" idea; that it is an opportunity for a child to calm down in a sfae area, either in the same room where the hitting occured (not isolated) or in a "comfort corner", and that the tone is not punitive. Are there other differences that I'm not seeing?
Well, "time outs" are used (often) for *everything*. Throw a toy? Time out. Talk back? Time out. Not put your shoes on? Time out. Those time outs usually come with an arbitrary time limit and little coaching on the actual issue.

You hit, you sit is more logical in that in can be related to the issue. If you hit, you are not following the rules of play and you need to sit out. A choice to hit becomes a choice to be removed from play. Coaching is encouraged and arbitrary time limits are not imposed. It's not punitive in that it's not designed to punish, but to keep other kids safe and give the child some transition time (with help, if needed). In the other "kinds" of time outs, children are expected to "think about what they did", but let's be honest. They don't. They think about "when can I get out?" and the original issue is obscured.

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Title: Re: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out?
Post by: hsgbdmama on September 27, 2005, 07:04:47 AM
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I second how ineffective time outs can be -- we have seen them used for every little thing, to the point where the child was being sent to their room within 5 minutes of coming out from one. Unfortunately the parents were not seeing how ineffective they were.
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