Can't find the lightbulb smilie, but OH! I wonder if that is where my dh struggles.
He will use that syrupy sweet voice "sweetie will you do XYZ please" in an attempt to be gentle or tell the kids "stop, stop, stop" over and over, but then when they step all over his boundaries anyway he gets irritated and blows up at them. I wonder if in his mind, he is thinking that he knows he doesn't want to spank, yell etc, but doesn't know what TO do. I keep showing and telling him what TO do, which he often does, but I don't think he has quite internalized WHY to do it.