[staceylayne]

I've never been a spanker, but instead of spanking I was just looking for "other ways" (timeouts, losing toys or not reading books at bedtime) to show B he had done wrong and make him sad/miserable enough that he wouldn't repeat certain behaviors. He was young and I knew we couldn't logic our way into him deciding to do differently, so I thought it was our job to train him to obey "right away, all the way, in a joyful way" even if he didn't understand why quite yet. If he didn't learn early, it would surely set him up for failure...right?

I also grew up with occasional spankings and I never held (and still don't hold) any bitterness or anger with my parents for how they parented us. They did their best with what they had and our lives were overall covered in so much love, respect and care from our parents that we came out ok (IMHO ).

Anyway, DH and I have come a long way in how we think about parenting in the last couple of years. The best way for me to summarize my current understanding is that I think my job as a mom is all about *teaching* my children. I am teaching them how to eat with a fork, to say "please", to recognize colors and letters, how to handle big feelings without hurting others, to be patient, to not scream in the car, to tie their shoes.

ALL of those things are skills they will need for a successful life. All of them can and will be learned when parents model them and patiently and gently teach necessary skills. These things cannot and will not be learned until the child is developmentally and emotionally ready. Just like I wouldn't spank or shame my child who is having trouble learning to read and expect it to help, I don't punish a child who is having trouble learning to accept "no" without whining. I strive to *teach* the desired behavior. We work on it, I prove that whining doesn't get you what you want, I offer suggestions for better ways to respond, and give opportunities to practice etc.

Like you will read around here "you can't spank the three out of a 3yo". Can you modify some behavior of a 3yo with harsh punishments? Yes, but not because the child has internalized why they should make good choices...just that they've learned to avoid pain. And even spanking isn't fool proof. Three year olds are emotional and impulsive. That is how God made them! That's why people have to spank (or give time outs or whatever) over and over and over again. Just like I have to stop my 3yo from screaming in the baby's face over and over and over again.

I hear all the time from my punitive friends about how important it is to "be consistent" with punishments and eventually it will get through to the kid. And that used to make SO MUCH sense to me! But now I hear it with different ears. I've heard lots of things like "around 4.5 or 5 all of mine finally caught on that obeying is easier" (this as an encouragement to a mom of a 2 or 3yo why she must continue to be consistent). I will submit that it is less the consistency of punishments and more the fact that by 4.5 the children are beginning to develop maturity and impulse control that they simply did not have at 2 or 3.

Anyway...I'm probably rambling (happens a lot ). But I hope something I said resonates or clarifies things a little. There is so much good information around here. I lurked for months before joining and read every new post and tons of archived posts in the GD and UP forums. Sometimes I felt like my head would explode with all the "weird" and upside down ways of looking at things I read here. And for months my mind was spinning as I started down the path of the big paradigm shift. But it's not all warm fuzzy "we don't want to hit our babies!" stuff. Gentle discipline makes sense! And it works! It has brought so much peace and joy to our home, it has brought DH and I closer as we learn about parenting together and has strengthened our bonds with our children. They are precious, wild, funny little people who, just like me, are doing the best they can with the tools that they have. I'm constantly striving to give them better tools.

Gah! Rambling again! Done. (For now.)

Thanks for being brave enough to ask. I hope you find the answers you are seeking.