[nanookmama]

I've wondered that myself, OP. I was a VERY difficult child. But honestly, I think I was difficult because my parents were doing battle with me. Every day. "Making" me do what they wanted me too. And I am uninterested in spending the rest of my parenting years in a war.

So, for me, a big key was realizing that 'do it or I'll hit you' and 'don't do it or I'll hit you' were just not useful for teaching my daughter to discipline herself. They weren't going to teach her the things I want, they were only going to start a war.

My older daughter is me. The harder I push to make her obey, the stronger and longer she fights. The transformation is amazing. But when I stop pushing her, and just talk to her or remove her from whatever she can't resist, we transform right back into a working dyad. And that's what works really well for us.

I'm not saying you were as bull-headed as I was, but I've come to believe that a parent sets a standard and the child learns to follow. If you obeyed when your mom spanked you it's because that's what you learned as a boundary - and that's what she had expected from you. I am simply not going there with my kids, so I expect them to meet me somewhere else. So far, so good!