Gentle Christian Mothers Community - Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

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Redeemed

01-23-2011 01:54 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by BarefootBetsy (Post 3603914)

I was (am) very strong-willed and do you know what spanking taught me? To not get caught. To act contrite in the present and plan better next time. To lie through omission instead of an outright lie because lying through omission is much more difficult for a parent to catch. Oh, and spanking really awakened fury in my heart. I wasn't really contrite after being spanked even though I could pretend to be fairly decently... I was angry - seething with rage - after being spanked.

I'm one of those who would do the opposite of what I was told just because someone told me to do it. I'm still that way to a degree, even though I consciously try not to react like that and usually succeed in resisting that urge now.

Yeah... and my mom's will was NO match for my will which made the teen years particularly rough for us. My dad was constantly mediating between the two of us (he's strong-willed too) and I had pretty much zero respect for my mom at all. We're on very good terms now, but back then... nope :no

You described me to a T!

QuiltinGramma

01-29-2011 02:09 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by melliethepooh (Post 3627486)

:heart Loving this discussion. Could somebody go back twenty five years or so and have this talk with my parents? :shifty

ITA...Could someone go back 30 years and talk to me back then? :yes

Treenahurricane

02-11-2011 12:28 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

My oldest is very strong willed and an explosive child. Her asperger's and other issues (waiting to find out what all they are!) mean that if I were to go with adversarial parenting (and honestly, I tried it because I'm out of tools...it didn't work), I'd be hitting her nonstop. She doesn't respond to punishment or rewards, she just IS nonstop hard to be around. In fact, as a result of my punitive parenting trial out of desperation, she walks around every time she knows she's in trouble (which honestly is a lot) screaming "Don't hit me!" and I feel terrible. I haven't hit her in months but it is something she is now afraid of even though it didn't actually change the behavior for the better.

Gentle discipline with my other children is an effective tool. It takes a lot of work, there's no doubt about it. It's proactive parenting not reactive most of the time (which I struggle with a lot especially when I'm tired and worn out like now). I'm sure punitive parenting may have results with my kids, too, but why take myself down that road? I was abused when I was younger, I know I have the potential of abuse in myself because of anger problems I struggle with. I don't want to cross a line at any point with a normal or strong willed child because I can't control myself. So I take it out of the equation as an option.

luvinmama

02-11-2011 02:40 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by LinzluvsGJ (Post 3683248)

I was abused when I was younger, I know I have the potential of abuse in myself because of anger problems I struggle with. I don't want to cross a line at any point with a normal or strong willed child because I can't control myself. So I take it out of the equation as an option.

This was one of the reasons I knew I would never be able to bring spanking into our family--and this was well before I'd ever heard of "GBD" or any other options. It's encouraging when we have enough foresight to know what would be "good" or negative to bring into our relationships with children even when we might not even be aware of another "path" kwim?

Maggirayne

02-16-2011 12:38 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by katiekind (Post 3610535)

Wow, my experience is that strong-willed children sometimes ARE the ones that only need to be looked at (or told, as my dad used to say to me, "I'm so disappointed by your behavior.")

This exactly! I've even told my mom that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quiteria (Post 3610588)

Yeah, sometimes with my dd...if I (or her teacher) get adversarial, she can get very stubborn and strong-willed about insisting on doing things her way...but, today for example, I confronted her more gently about something she had done wrong, and she burst into tears. It really wasn't THAT big, but it needed to be addressed, and she was very sensitive to the verbal reprimand of telling her that it was wrong and why. But times when someone has really pushed her into a corner of stubbornness by giving her a punishment of some sort (even as mild as taking away recess), I've seen her fight back against complying in the slightest. I did give her a natural/logical consequence today for the thing we discussed...and she was fine with accepting it because it was more her actions that made the consequence happen instead of ME chosing to spank or taking away an unrelated privilage....strong-willed children have a way of seeing that "YOU are doing this to me," and deciding they'd rather suffer than cave in...but dd is so very sensitive to realizing that she's done something wrong when you gently point out why it's wrong, when you appeal to logic instead of trying to bully her.

Yes, ironic, my brother said to me just Monday that he would argue when he wasn't heard just to argue or when he felted wronged. and if they had just listened to him, he would have conceded. He obeyed because it was easier not because he wanted to. I would refuse to obey if I was forced. You know, like the kid who told his teacher, "I'm standing up on the inside."?

I just read in Boundaries, "Your yes is not a true yes unless you can say no." Paraphrase b/c E is waiting for me to play with her. Pg 106 or 108.

Peridot

02-17-2011 05:38 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by melliethepooh (Post 3627486)

:heart Loving this discussion. Could somebody go back twenty five years or so and have this talk with my parents? :shifty

SERIOUSLY!!!
:doh

GBD is a necessity for Maximus, not just the 'best' plan. I believe his problems would have gotten much much worse, if not for me laying down my weapons and declaring peace. :-/

QuiltinGramma

02-20-2011 10:10 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

I like that...."declaring peace"

mountainash

02-24-2011 02:05 AM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

When we became parents, I was of a punitive mindset while my husband was a of a GD mindset. He asked that we parent gently and, in the name of WOS (another mindset I held at the time), I obeyed him. I was quite sure my husband would change his tune right around the time our son turned two. :giggle It's laughable to me now to think about that. I really thought I had God on my side.

So Benji was about 18 months, maybe a little younger before I really began to feel like I needed to talk my husband outta this gentle discipline thing sooner rather than later. At that time, Benji had a thing for getting to the computer cables. I'd pick him up, move him away, tell him no-touch aaaand five seconds later he'd be at it again. It was maddening.

One day I literally counted how many times I repeated this scenario with our son and when my husband came home from work, I confronted him with the outrageous number. I told him that talking to and scolding our son just wasn't working. He was too young to understand. I concluded that it was necessary to spank if I ever wanted my boundaries to be respected. :doh

I'll never forget what happened next. We got in the car and went to the home building store--not to buy a yardstick :no but to find a simple cabinet for the computers. When we got home, Jason put the computers in the cabinet and secured the cords that ran from the backs of the computer towers to the monitors and keyboards out of sight behind the desk. Next he took a short ethernet cable that was brightly colored and let our son play with it. The short cable satisfied my son's curiosity and gave me something to redirect him to but he no longer messed with the computer cables anyway because he couldn't! They were out of his reach and stayed that way until he had the maturity to be around them safely.

My husband showed me how to enforce my boundaries with my children without using violence. It was a huge paradigm shift. :heart

klpmommy

02-24-2011 05:06 AM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Ashley-- you have a keeper there. :heart :heart

Hermana Linda

02-24-2011 10:03 AM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainash (Post 3715993)

When we became parents, I was of a punitive mindset while my husband was a of a GD mindset. He asked that we parent gently and, in the name of WOS

How ironic is that? :loll

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainash (Post 3715993)

I told him that talking to and scolding our son just wasn't working. He was too young to understand. I concluded that it was necessary to spank if I ever wanted my boundaries to be respected. :doh

Interesting how blind we can be. If he was too young to understand, why would spanking work? :doh

What an amazing testimony. :amen If you blog it, let me know so I can link to it. :yes

luvinmama

02-24-2011 01:48 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Wow, MountainAsh! You DO have a keeper! :heart:heart

My DH is from a similar mindset, and I was the one prior to pregnancy (we were married for 5 years before DD came along) who believed in children manipulating, etc. I'll never forget when I was 8.5 months pregnant, sitting outside in the hot summer sun telling DH that I was fully convinced Babywise was the "thing to do" and I wouldn't let my kid control me. Lol. DH was just finishing up his undergrad work in Human Development/Family Studies and was totally not convinced. :no

Thank God for wonderful husbands, huh? :heart

Auroras mom

02-24-2011 01:53 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Ashley, that is so amazing and cool!

mountainash

02-24-2011 01:56 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hermana Linda (Post 3716562)

How ironic is that? :lol

Lol. I know. I love that God plays into my ironic sense of humor and does things like that in my life. It's like God's version of playful parenting. :heart

Quote:

Interesting how blind we can be. If he was too young to understand, why would spanking work? :doh

Ya know. It might have "worked" but at what cost? And once I learned how to enforce boundaries without violence, it seemed absurd to choose violence.

Quote:

What an amazing testimony. :amen If you blog it, let me know so I can link to it. :yes

Oh! Feel free to share it. I don't have a blog anymore.

katiekind

02-24-2011 07:13 PM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

My husband showed me how to enforce my boundaries with my children without using violence. It was a huge paradigm shift. :heart

What a great story!!!

dulce de leche

02-25-2011 08:41 AM

Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainash (Post 3717182)

Lol. I know. I love that God plays into my ironic sense of humor and does things like that in my life. It's like God's version of playful parenting. :heart

Ya know. It might have "worked" but at what cost? And once I learned how to enforce boundaries without violence, it seemed absurd to choose violence.

Oh! Feel free to share it. I don't have a blog anymore.

I want to link it whenever it gets blogged, too. :heart

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