Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

I found out just now that a friend of mine is pregnant. I am excited for her, but I am also filled with trepidation about the baby and from discussions we've had in the past, about how it wil be raised. I have talked about GBD, but she is firmly in the belief that you have to hit kids to teach them right, and that not only is spanking biblical, but the only right way to raise a kid. Seriously, she thinks my kids will be terrors if I don't "beat the fear" into them :cry :cry

I can barely get a handle on my thoughts right now, this is a wonderful friend of mine who I have had for many many years, in fact it was me and my family who led her to the Lord...she is sweet and smart and loving, but I am afraid that the pervaisive mindset will overrule me and her heart, and lead her to be a very detatched and punitive parent.

I am going to send her some info on Dr. Sears, and Crystal's site, as well as a link to ezzo info...and the LLL site...but does anyone have any specific articles, etc..that she might read would and help her to understand...I am kinda torn...I am afraid to overwhelm her, cause then she won't read anything, but she already thinks I am crazy and Paisley is not old enough for me to show her how it works....how spanking is NOT a feasable option...

Help...I am afraid for her baby and she just found out today she is preggers...and I know the babe will be loved very much, but we all know that love needs to be modeled, not just spoken occasionally... :(

:pray :pray

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

When I first found out my best friend was pregnant, she was very into Ezzo. :( She still spanks, and thinks that it is Biblical.

However, just by being there when she needed me - by being her friend, she is nursing her newborn, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing. :tu She is gentler with her oldest, and will ask for advice. She doesn't agree with my POV on spanking, but she sees my kids and likes the results.

Just be there. Model it for her, and pray. I wouldn't even send her anything until she has a baby shower. Let her know that you are excited about the baby, and confident that she will want to learn how to be the best mom you can be. Once she knows that you believe that about her, the stuff you send will make a lot more impact. :)

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

Thanks Mary...theat helps alot! :D I am really just going to focus right now on how exciting it is that she is preggers!! Seriously, she is the oldest friend I have besides my cousin!! :hug

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

I agree about not saying anything until her shower. You know what I did with a friend that I feared would be punitive? I gave her the Sears "Pregnancy Book" so she would know and trust them before her shower--very little about parenting in that. Then at her shower, I gave her the complete book of Christian Parenting and Childcare. She really liked it!

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

I take it this is her first? Sometimes people 'talk' a parenting philosphy before they have children that they would never impliment after they are handed that beautiful baby. I saw this on the Ezzo debate board from time to time - an expectant mom who had all the answers. One in particular was so 'superior' and hard hearted. It was such a blessing when she poped in for just one message three months after her baby came to tell us that 'she understands now'.

A dear friend of mine had a signiture block on her e-mails that said something like "before I had children I had five theories of childrearing, now I have five children and no theories".

Pray for her heart to be opened to her child, be there for support and modeling and rest in the ability of God to 'make all things new'

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

Some good thoughts from everyone. I think I agree to take it slowly and maintain your rapport as someone she can talk about her pregnancy and baby with. Is she planning on breastfeeding? If so, when it comes up maybe you could start by focusing your support in getting her *good* information and resources in that area. For me, breastfeeding was sort of my entree into the world of AP and gentle parenting. It's one of the first practical areas of mothering that she'll have to deal with. I also like the idea of giving her the Sears Pregnancy Book (or sharing yours---that might be more non-threatening) and then perhaps giving her the parenting one later.

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

Also remember that there will be a window between when this baby is born and when he/she is "old enough to be spanked" that she may see what a wonderful toddler Paisley is. Paisley will be over a year old when your friend's baby is born. Lots of time to model non-punitive discipline and let your example speak for you.

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

All great suggestions. I agree with Mary's perspective on just being there and giving her lots of positive affirmation. She'll be getting unsolicited advice from everyone and their brother throughout her pregnancy, and probably will be "warned" many times about what to do and not to do, and about how hard different parts of parenting are. You can be a breath of fresh air in her life by talking about how joyous your mothering experience has been instead of how exhausting and inconvenient it is to be a parent. ;) (or maybe by just talking about other normal things... I know toward the end of my 1st pg, I didn't want to hear what ANYbody had to say about ANYthing... I just wanted to get my mind off the stuff I was worried about, kwim?)

Also the suggestion about giving her one of Dr. Sears "other" books is GREAT! I absolutely LOVED The Baby Book and The Birth Book, and credit his info for a lot of the things that went "right" about my birth experience. His influence really set the stage for me to break away from a tremendously strong background and indoctrination into so-called Biblical spanking. Being attached to my first baby helped me to feel uncomfortable when we started "disciplining" him with punitive methods--the two philosophies just don't mesh well, and I was rooted enough in AP that I didn't easily depart from it. I read The Discipline Book and rolled my eye dismissively when I saw he didn't endorse spanking... but the ideas had already been planted in my mind. Later, when things got bad and spanking just wasn't the magic pill it was cracked up to be, those different ideas lurked in the back of my mind... I knew there were other opinions out there if I was just brave enough to consider them.

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

Thanks for your advice ladies!! :hug I certainly hope she will bf, she said she wants to but the idea is weird to her...so I fully intend to encourage her in that area, I know just being pregnant can make you think of things you never though of before....I will be supportive, and not overwhelm her...and when a topic comes up in discussion, I will take that opportunity to send her info, but not just send it to her at once. I will send her a link to askdrsears though...it's a great place to start! :mrgreen

Terri, thank you so much for that piece of advice...Paisley is only 7 months old, so by the time she has her baby, and her babe is old enough to need discipline, Paisley will certainly be old enough for her to see the example of GBD...thank you for reminding me of that. :highfive

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

If your friend is bf'ing, I would point her to some sites:

http://www.breastfeeding.com/

and I'm sure there are others. When I was pg, I knew I wanted to bf, but I certainly didn't want to be alternative. :lol But I didn't read up on anything b/c I didn't want to be brainwashed by the philosophy of the day. I ended up being AP b/c it fits so well with bf'ing (cosleeping etc.). And then found my way here. I am a totally different parent than I ever imagined I would have been. :mrgreen

Good luck!

Re: Good news, but it makes me nervous
 

I second/third/ whatever! :) the notion to hold off on books until the baby shower. But since your friendship goes so far back, you will probably have lots of time to discuss how exciting it is to be a mommy.

TBH, when I was pg I just assumed I would spank. It was how I was raised. Didn't the bible say to beat your children? Then I was given the Pearl books. I had a pg :hissyfit fit before ds was born because the nursery wasn't ready. But you know what? Bf and cosleeping go so well together!

So much of my assumptions about raising my child changed when I had ds. I am a photographer, and often see out of control kids and overwhelmed parents. I was always able to be gentle and redirect and distract and soothe. After I had ds, it finally :idea for me. That *was* discipline! I couldn't hit anyone else's children, so I learned to cope with them. So why hit my child?

God can really change hearts....and with you there to be such a wonderful example for her...I'm sure it will work out!