ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

From Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline by Becky Bailey

WEEK TWO

ATTITUDE SHIFT: Harnessing the Power of Attention
REASON: What you focus on, you get more of
DISCIPLINE SKILL: Assertiveness
VALUE: Respect

*Pay attention to your focus. are you focusing on what you want, or on what you don't want?

*When you are upset, Pivot. tell yourself, "okay, i'm upset. if i'm upset, i'm focusing on what i don't want. do i want more of this in my life?" if the answer is no, take a deep breath. focus on what you want your child to do more successfully. then calmly tell your child what to do and why.

ASSERTIVENESS: Saying no and being heard

*when you feel frustrated with your child, express your thoughts or feelings directly by saying, "i don't like it when you ____," or "when you _______, I feel _______." then assertively tell her what you want her to do.

*Teach your child to handle untrusions by other children in the following manner. go to the victim and say:
1. "did you like it?
2. listen to the no you receive to decide if the victim's energy and confidence level are high or low. if her confidence and energy are low, accompany her to speak to the other child.
3. say to the child, "go tell ________, 'I don't like it when you _______.'"

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

what happened to everybody? are we losing steam... or is everybody just extra busy? hope to see more of you!

i am going to post just a couple times a week for the next couple of weeks as i'll be out of town :smile

but... does anybody have any specific issues... in trying to implement ETLDTD that aren't necessarily related to the current week's goal? maybe that would get us back on track and posting to try to help someone out!

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

I had a dreadful day. :( Dh is undermining every boundary I set for dd...so it's hard for me to focus on the power of attention. Pivoting is very difficult for me right now... :pray

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

I only had an hour of sleep last night (ds is doing some horrible sleeping lately :banghead) so I was fighting myself today, trying not to be a growch. I did try to concentrate on wording things positively (ie: "leave your hands off of your brother", rather than "dont' touch your brother")... but I'm thinking that's not the focus this week.

I have trouble understanding the terms they use (ie: Power of _____) - they confuse me. So, I have to go look it up and tell myself the theme "what you concentrate on, you get more of" (or whatever).

These things really are helping me... but sometimes NOTHING will get my dd (3 y/o) to do what I want her to do (ie: clean her room with my help, leave her brother alone, not shriek annoyingly in the car, etc)... and THAT is very frustrating to me. I feel so powerless... and all I want is a happy household.

-Elizabeth
P.S. Yeah, I know, that was a bunch of mumbled thoughts. But you asked for input! So, there's my input... going off of just a few hours of sleep over the course of the last couple days.

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

I'll ask a general question. I have been working to use the more positive phrasing and trying to remmber that what I focus on I get more of. What do you all do about whining? I know ETLDTD suggests telling stories about when they were babies, but TBH, I don't remember much since ds was tiny then too. I've been asking for her friendly voice, for Adeline's voice, for her fairy princess voice and telling her that her Whine - a - line voice won't get her what she wants. It feels CONSTANT though. In light of what you focus on . . . do you have other ideas?

Thanks for this! You all are keeping me working on gentler parenting & I need that!

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

for the whiney voice, there are certainly seasons where it seems like constant, then it's not so much again. In light of focusing, when whining is an issue, I really try to notice whever they are NOT whining and comment on it, something like, "i really like hearing that voice...what a polite way to ask for____...etc." I think an important part of this focusing to get what we want is to keep catching our dc's doing the RIGHT thing. This is also something i've been doing with dh :giggle and it helps MY perspective on things so much. Dcs and dh really DO the right thing and it helps all of us when I catch them doing it and as I focus on it, I find more of it. to me the interesting question is if it was there all along and i just didn't see it, or if my noticing it actually helps cause more of it? :scratch

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

I'm here ...dh was home for a day. I got no sleep last night..today is gonig to be intersting..

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

:hug Hoping your day goes smoothly... :heart

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

glad to see everybody!... i was feeling abandoned :(

my dd also does the whining... the pre-verbal whine to get things. she is behind in her language development, so i just try to encourage words (regardless of voice) :shrug

i'm also having trouble getting her to go for the options i give her... for example when she tries to climb on the storage unit, i will tell her she can play on the floor or she can climb on the couch... well, as i'm sure you know, it is not nearly as interesting to climb on the allowable piece of furniture as it is to climb on the mysterious, exciting, very vivid white storage piece. so i try to redirect and playfully get up on the couch with her... or play on the floor with her. all this usually ends with mad tears and kicking legs, which i then describe as i empathize with her :banghead

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

I'm here, reading just not posting as much.

For whining, I say "I hear you." and give him a script "Hand me the juice, please, Mama." Or I say "I hear that you are upset and impatient. It is hard to wait. You want down NOW. It will be one more minute before I can help you."

Last night I heard DH yelling "No!" in the other room. So I yelled "tell him what to do!" (Does yelling GBD ideas across the house count? :) ) Last night I was nursing and rocking DS to sleep and he hit me in the face HARD, and he needed his nails cut, so -- ouch. I yelped and set him down. I was tired and out of ideas so we just sat there being upset until DH showed up to take over for the moment. I knew I needed to say "Soft hands" or something, but we were just too tired. I think we need to work on an earlier bedtime and calmer daytimes (DS played with a few different friends yesterday).

I love the phrase "pivot." It's like "I am willing to see this differently." There always is a different way, a different direction, a more positive attitude to take. It's up to us to turn and face it.

Re: ETLDTD - Week Two, Wednesday and Thursday
 

I was following along silently. I've had a ahrd time in the past year with my daughter and this is helping both of us regain our footing.
This week's is probably the single best thing I've done. I don't know why I never thought of it. I need to tell her what to do, not what not to do. BIG difference!
For ex., she was playing with a pen (acceptable here) and marked on something not supposed to. I realized I could have said "don't mark on that" and five minutes later said the same thing about something else and finally got mad at her. I saw the whole thing play out in my mind, and realized I needed to say "What I want you to do with the pen is........." And she did! No arguing, no fussing, and we didn't address the mark on her leg. She knew she wasn't supposed to anyway!
Maybe I just never learned assertiveness or something. This one is making the biggest difference to me of anything I've done.