Dialoguing with a friend
 

I have a friend from bible college that I respect a lot and I believe it is mutual. I just posted in my blog about the new gbd books I got and that maybe I'll review them as I read them. He said he would be very interested in my review and that his wife is currently read "Don't Make Me Count to Three".:( In his words, the book is about "disciplining the heart rather than he action". So sad that loving parents think they are going to find that in this book and yet the methods are so adversarial that the opposite is often accomplished. They have a two yr old so I think discipline is a hot topic for them right now.

Anyway, I feel confident that my relationship with them can withstand a little dialogue. I am wanting to respond to his comment in such a way that shows our common ground in wanting to reach our children's hearts, but my concern over the methods promoted in this book. And yet I don't want to get into a debate about the book itself because a) I haven't read it and b) it's not about this one book, it's about a mindset.

Any advice on what to say? Here is some of what I'm thinking:

"The books I chose are about reaching the child's heart too! But the basic assumptions of the books and the the ideas about how to go about it are quite different. I have concerns about the methods that Plowman and others use in the name of "shepherding a child's heart". So I am making an effort to learn about a way that is Biblical and more comfortable to me."

Also, I think if we start a dialogue along these lines I would like to keep spanking out of it at least for a while. Because I have learned that it is so not about that one issue, but more a mindset that is totally different. It seems like when spanking is brought up people write you off because they assume your children will holy terrors and grow up to be drug dealers. But if I can focus on our mutual desire to raise our children lovingly, and some biblical methods to go about it, and HEY, spanking isn't even necessary...that would be better.

Re: Dialoguing with a friend
 

Good plan. There is a lot of good info at Dare To Disciple about the adversarial relationship.

Re: Dialoguing with a friend
 

Yes, definitely keeping spanking out of it is probably important, and you're right, it's so much more than that.

It's really a process. I figured "no spanking, okay, that's gentle." Yeah. Not so much. I also just need to change a whole paradigm!

Re: Dialoguing with a friend
 

Changing from a punitive to graceful mindset is the hardest part, IMO.

Re: Dialoguing with a friend
 

You aren't kidding. It is easy to say okay, I won't spank. Then you realize you still have to make this kid obey you and you have no clue what to do. Then you learn that you are not making the kid obey you are creating a relationship and that is mind blowing when it finally clicks.

Re: Dialoguing with a friend
 

It's so hard....you both want what is best for your children. Having an attitude of grace is one thing, and also understanding child development helps.

You can't "shepherd their hearts" very well if you are misreading what's going on in their hearts and minds.

Re: Dialoguing with a friend
 

I completely agree. I have been struggling to explain that to friends, as I start this path of GBD.