Re: Why not time outs?
 

I would technically not define time with a parent as a time out. One purpose of a time out is isolation for an arbitrary amount of time :think I would call what you are doing more like "taking a break" and with some children you do need a more black and white approach to this. I would just make sure you are challenging your goals for the break and make sure it's not adversarial :hug

Re: Why not time outs?
 

we do this if someone is fighting with another or teasing/tormenting. Then we sit and discuss why we are sitting here, and how we could have avioded getting here. ( does that make sense?)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Yes--and I think that is fine. It's sort of like a "positive time out" the way a coach might bench someone until they are ready to return to the game. Your children are on the older side of "child" and so long as you work with them to reflect feelings and calm down so that they can hear the instruction you are engaging in the idea of "correction" or "come let us reason together". I think that is fine. I do think that by calling it a time out you will catch some flak in certain circles where the assumption will be the traditional time out.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

probably..........but you know me I love to make trouble.....LOL (not really)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

I am new to the group and just read about the Comfort Corner. I love it!! They boys and I are going to the store to get a few pillows, stuffed animals and some new books for our corner. I'm thinking of making a small milk crate book shelf and having books over there for me too. A quiet place to retreat is what we all need sometimes.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

:tuThank you!! I lot to think about! Actually, we have used a version of this and not realized it.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

I am trying to jump back in where traditional time outs have been used and change them to comfort corner.

Time outs arn't working but am still not sure on the comfort corner idea. I mean, if ds (4) hits me or another family member, What do I say? :shrug

Do I say maybe it is time to sit in your corner? How can I let him know that it is not ok to hit/hurt/spit yet not have him go, "oh mum just got me to sit down, I can do the wrong behaviour again."???

Is there a place where I can find out the answers to these questions???

Jen *confused

Re: Why not time outs?
 

It takes time to understand how something can be discipline, not permissive and not punitive.

I would not suggest the comfort corner for a child who hit. I'd say "Hitting hurts. It's not respectful". If necessary, I'd remove the child from play. I'd find out why they hit and help them find another way to handle the same situation the next time. I'd practice that solution with the child. I'd encourage (strongly, as they get older) an apology.

The comfort corner is not a *substitute* for a time out. It's an alternative philosophy. I'd use a comfort corner for a child who is wound up, amped up, or their emotion is so big they are having trouble behaving appropriately. It would not be to punish, or for them to think about what they need. But a place to calm, to regroup, to gather and collect the inner resources to do better.

Let's say you make a series of mistakes with your husband. What would work better with you?

1) You get a lecture, a consequence (he doesn't take you to dinner) or attention withdrawn?

or

2) He explain why what you did hurt or angered him and gives you time and space to take a bath, read, call a friend, pray?

Children do and learn better when the environment around them is warm, positive and loving. They don't have to be made to feel bad in order to do good.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Re: Why not time outs?
 

:hug not too many questions

it might be helpful to spend some time reading old threads here to get a better idea of tools & such

my site www.aolff.orgmay help also :)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

What a great illustration! This made me laugh out loud--but in a good way. It really makes the point well.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Can I c/p this to my blog if I give credit?? :heart I'd love to share this with a friend..(or two, or three :P~ )

Re: Why not time outs?
 

absolutely! thanks for asking :)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Thanks! I'll link to GCM and AOLFF... :rockon

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Thank you very much for very comprehensive way to describe "time-out"s. I am a new Mom trying to understand what grace-based parenting is all about. Your post was helpful :-)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Loved re-reading this. :tu

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Same here. Read it to DH - he was nearly in tears because it is so refreshing. :heart GCM
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Re: Why not time outs?
 

subbing..need to come back to this when I'm more awake :yawn

Re: Why not time outs?
 

How do I relate this to our babysitter? :-)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

It's a public forum, so you could link her to this page. I loved that this got bumped, I really enjoyed reading it.

:welcome to GCM.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Awesome refresher course on GBD. I needed that today. :)

Re: Why not time outs?
 

I'm glad this got bumped. I've been planning my comfort corner for some time, now it's time to actually create it and print out the op for myself and dh to read and discuss. :)

I think I'll stick the printout on the fridge in the hopes mil will read it. It'll blow her mind since she thinks that dh should have hit our 2yo to "snap him out of it" when he was over tired and over stimulated by mil and fil's presence. Yeah, no.

Re: Why not time outs?
 

I have a question. Do your kids hang out in their comfort corner during the day? What I guess I'm saying is, I'd hate for them to act out just to get to go to the comfort corner.

And if they DO hang out there regularly, when one child acts out and another is in the comfort corner, do you kick out the child that's there?

Re: Why not time outs?
 

Thank you for clearly explaining positive time outs! I've heard of them but the way they were explained really bothered me and made no sense so I completely dismissed it as an option! But now I'm going back and gonna figure out how to implement it.

Time outs with my oldest has always bothered me, but it was the least aggressive and punitive way I knew to stop (well attempt to stop) the melt downs, but he always begged to stay in the living room with mommy, but I only 'knew' that time outs would only work if the child was isolated for a time, but I always ended up having to go in and snuggle and talk to him, remind him that I love him etc.

Now I need to figure out how to start positive time outs without him thinking he is being punished.

Also on positive time outs, is it ok for the parent to be in the corner to snuggle too? Or is it a play by ear situation, if the child just needs a break from everyone leave them alone, but if the need comfort go in?

There is so much to figure out and I'm struggling so much trying to break deeply ingrained habits of punitive discipline that I find I spend half my time apologizing to my kids for the way I react. It has been hard and it seems to be getting harder, the habits break out at just the wrong moments and I just don't know what to replace them with is half the issue, which is why I'm so happy to have found you all and am still up at nearly 2am because there is so much I want to learn, and finally have the opportunity! I want my children to see Christ through me, not a tyrannical dictator, and that's what I feel like half the time!
Sorry I didn't mean for this post to be so long, just a lot of thoughts and long suppressed struggles and guilt bouncing in my skull that needed to come out. Thanks for listening!

Re: Why not time outs?
 

:hug

I've always maintained that hugs are the least utilized and most effective discipline tool that God gave us :heart By all means if your child wants cuddles in the Comfort Corner and you can be there, cuddle away :yes

The key is that discipline ONLY takes place within the context of relationship and punishment damages relationship. This is why "spanking experts" will insist you must "reconnect" after the spanking--the spanking, by its nature, disconnects. The same is true for anything that could be defined as "adversarial"--it pits you against each other when God has put you on the same team.

If you focus on the relationship and on modeling and instructing in proper social behavior you will find a different tone to the relationship because true discipline can take place :hug

and I understand feeling guilty--but maybe you can start with modeling what it looks like to forgive yourself when you've done something wrong and how to put your energy into making amends :hug

Re: Why not time outs?
 

:idea Thank you! I think I finally get the whole point of GBD!