I need emotional boundaries
 

This crops up from time to time and I theoretically know what the problem is and what I need to do about it, but in nearly 11 years of parenting, I haven't made big and lasting changes in this area.

I am not a "feeler" or an empath. When other people are sad or hurt or mad I can think, "Wow, that stinks for them. Can I help?" If yes, I help. If no, I can hold a hand or offer a shoulder without becoming sucked in myself.

With my children, otoh, I become unhealthily enmeshed. (I have done it to a lesser extent with my husband and my mother in the past but seem to have been able to make big and lasting changes when it comes to them. :shrug3)

I think it's completely normal to feel the pain of your own children. :yes I think that what I do is not healthy, though.

I've struggled to put firm rules in place from time to time because it felt too mean. I could too strongly feel what my children felt in response to limitations. If they tantrum, my blood pressure would go up. If they were angry, I'd get a headache. If they were not happy, I couldn't be happy and if they were not peaceful, I could have no peace.

I want to be able to say, "Do this. I'm sorry that upsets/disappoints/doesn't agree with you." DONE. Walk away. Finished. The end.

But right now, I'm saying, "Do this. I'm sorry that upsets/disappoints/doesn't agree with you." "I know. I'm sorry." "Negotiate, rephrase, logic, reason, move around, change, negotiate, I'm sorry, I understand, you poor dear, I know you think I'm being mean, DOITNOW/okayforgetit." And I'm exhausted when it's over.


What do I need from you guys? Commiseration, for sure. :yes Some "BDTD and this is how I overcome it." would be helpful. And of course, any clarifying questions you have, because this might be jumbled.

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

It really is hard. :hug2 I know, it has been really hard for me, too :yes3 You have to be firm for their own good. :yes3

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

I've have the opposite problem, I tend to cut myself off from emotions (I think this is because my parents tended to belittle emotions and I had to hide them, peaceful calmness was the only acceptable emotion in spite of the bitter loud fighting they always participated in together) it is easy to say, "I'm sorry you don't like it, do it anyway." and far to often I at least think "Just get over it and do it" :cry. Though I always give them a reason when it is possible, "You have to pick up your toys because we all live in this house together as a family and we all have to work together to make it a peaceful, comfortable home for everyone. Stepping on toys your not playing with is uncomfortable and leads to very UN-peaceful episodes." Though I usually say it in more 4 year old friendly terms.
But I have to be careful to not be harsh and belittling, I see times in the past where I have been so so often :( and I'm trying so hard to change that :yes2 since discovering GBD and seeing some of the harmful patterns and disciplines I've been using. I'm begging God :pray4to let me cry with my son, to feel a little of his pain, because so often I feel numb and get annoyed because I don't understand how much it, whatever 'it' is, is affecting his poor little soul.
I guess I don't have any advise, just some sympathy from the other side of the spectrum.:hug2

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

Subbing, because that's kind of the story of my life. With my kids, for sure.

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

Me too.

I go upland down in my awareness of it though. And when it makes me tired, I can go to the other extreme and have no empathy at all, because I have nothing left to give.

Sometimes if I remember i talk to myself about it, "it is ok for dc to be upset. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion. This is their emotion, it doesn't have to be mine."
Smetimes I try and do something that Allison described about acknowledging the feeling in me that is coming from them, and then imagining it flowing out of me, up to God, with me like a channel for it.

That's if I remember in the intensity of the moment.

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

I've always been high on the empathy scale, to the point where I will unknowingly absorb the emotions around me. Makes it tough when little man is having a meltdown at 2am and I can't figure out what's wrong or how to comfort him. The burnout factor is also a problem, when I've just had too much I can get very "sucks to be you, don't it?"

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

OK, so here is how I think of it. When Simon was 9 months old he fell and a door with a sharp edge sliced through his head (yes there is a point). OK so off to the ER we go. When we got there, he needed stitches. Well, the Dr. had to use novocaine. It tore me up watching this needle pressed repeatedly into his poor skin and him screaming while trying to nurse him through the process. Poor baby, I felt HORRIBLE for him, but I wasn't willing to pull him away from the Dr. and make the pain stop. WHY? Because, of course, by allowing that pain for a short time, I was able to stop the inevitable pain that he would experience getting that many stitches into his head. So even though it hurt me horribly to watch my child go through the pain of novocaine, I realized that by allowing it, I was preventing the much more painful process of stitches from being painful.


OK, so how does this translate. I put in place logical consequences to cause them a small amount of discomfort (meltdowns etc.) to prevent them from having to experience the natural consequences that are much more painful (sometimes literally). By making myself concentrate on the effects of the natural consequences, I can not only tolerate the big emotions from logical consequences, but I can more accurately judge when to allow them to feel the natural consequences. How does this translate into real life. OK....

So, my child likes to throw his bike into the driveway where dh needs to park. I reminded him daily for a while, and then finally decided to take his bike for a couple of days. Yes, this led to an extreme meltdown. But, it was better than dh now seeing it and accidentally driving over it and destroying it completely. I was shielding my son from the natural consequence (the bike being completely destroyed and losing it for good) by instituting a logical consequence (he couldn't use his bike for a couple days). Now because I instituted a logical consequence, within a couple days he was able to prove that he could remember to put it away. The tears stopped. If I would have allowed the natural consequence to occur, then he would still be crying because we can't afford to just buy him a new bike.

I don't know if that makes sense or even helps, but it is how I think of it to help me deal with the tears and their pain without becoming permissive and too emotionally tied up in their big feelings.

Re: I need emotional boundaries
 

Thank you, I do find that helpful. :yes