I blew it big time
 

Today I let my girls color in an old coloring book I had, one of those that are a bit more expensive than the average and much more detailed. My first grader isn't really that great at coloring, she has Asperger's and I really got down on her. I told her she's supposed to go in between the lines, not scribble, and use more than 2 colors. Then I wouldn't let her do any more. This was shortly after she did one picture for me, which I had quickly taped to the wall in my bedroom.

Right now, my dd is asleep. Of course, that's when I realize I messed up and really broke her little heart. :bheart :banghead Now I'm the one who is crying.

Sometimes I wish one of you more experienced, gentle mamas could be a fly on my wall and tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to change it. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and never intended to abuse my kids. But I think I just did verbally today. :cry :banghead :cry :cry :cry

I hope someday she could forgive me for being such a mess up. :bheart :cry2

Thanks for listening.

Re: I blew it big time
 

:hugheart :hugheart

Re: I blew it big time
 

:hug2 You're not alone. I reflect on things I've said or done and cannot believe it sometimes. She will forgive you and she still loves you.

Lord, lift us up and help us be the mothers to these beautiful children that you intended us to be. Help us be gentle and compassionate. I pray to you for patience, understanding and strength. Amen.

Re: I blew it big time
 

:hugheart

Grace is there for everyone. Apologize and move on. :hugheart

Re: I blew it big time
 

:hugheart

I understand. :bheart Do you want any advice? If so on what specifically? There are so many mamas on here--it is an abundance of AP/GBD wisdom. A great resource.

And don't view yourself as a mess up. :cry You are trying and you are actively taking steps to become a more gentle mother in word and deed. It doesn't all come at once. But as you keep reading books, posting on here, :pray, and staying in-tune with your kids you will be amazed at your growth when you look back in a few months...really in a year imagine the difference if you are willing to accept the difference and work at it.

We all have rough days. No one can deny that! :hug

Re: I blew it big time
 

A 6-7 year old is old enough to go to and ask forgiveness. Tell her you were thinking about yesterday and God put it on your heart that you had not been kind and you want to ask her forgiveness. Ask her to pray with you. Tell her that she means more to you than any coloring book ever could and that you made a mistake. It may be the hardest thing you ever do, and it may be one of the best examples your dd will ever have to humility in action.

:hugheart

Re: I blew it big time
 

One step at a time! Even recognizing that it wasn't the best way to handle it is a big deal if you're not from a gentle background. Give grace, and accept grace, and learn from it. I'm having to do just that every day, too. Patterns can be so hard to break. And apologizing to your kids is an amazing thing to model.

Re: I blew it big time
 

Maybe you could get the book back out and tell her you were wrong to get frustrated with how she was coloring--and that you'd love her to do another picture for you however she wants :heart

Re: I blew it big time
 

Thanks, everybody. :grouphug Yeah I will get that book and let her make another picture, any way she'd like. :cry

I am so glad to have found this board. I don't want to be an abusive mom. I don't want to be like my parents were to me, yet I'm starting to see that pattern. Even my dh told me last night I'm a little too hard on them. :banghead

I see a counselor, and it's been helpful. I did go to the Clarkson's website and signed up for their emails. I truly want to learn to be a better mom. And I have Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Parent which I read at night and early mornings.

Re: I blew it big time
 

:hugheart We all have bad days.

Re: I blew it big time
 

I apologized to her first thing this morning. I was up around 4 am (becoming a habit since Daylight savings ended) and she woke up by 5 and was lying on the couch. I went to her and apologized about that. It's amazing how easily children forgive us. I was crying! She told me she forgives me because I said I was sorry, then started talking about how her toy frog was "hungry." :-) It's like, okay move on right away.

And I had gone to bed wondering why God allowed me to be a mom, with my background, etc. It's easy to feel so unworthy of these blessings..BTW, I did allow her to color in that book with no criticisms.

Re: I blew it big time
 

:highfive

Re: I blew it big time
 

:woohoo Sounds great!!!!!

Re: I blew it big time
 

:hug2 I grew up w/a perfectionistic, critical father. Sounds like you had some of that too. We're very hard on ourselves and oftentimes others too. It's our life's journey to forgive ourselves, others and allow the blood of Jesus to heal us. God is doing a new thing and he uses our children to heal us too! :heart

So glad to hear of your forgiving experience w/your DD.

cindi

Re: I blew it big time
 

Hey,

I never thought of God using our children to heal us. :think But it all makes sense, especially if you marry someone who is not like your parents, loving and caring, etc. I mean, my dh is far from perfect and sometimes I do have to tell him to his face he's wrong, etc. But watching him playing with our girls and seeing how much they love him..it's much different world than what I grew up in. I was abused by my siblings and parents. You could say I was the "runt of the litter", being #5 of 6 kids, and they were horrible to me. You can see why being a gentle mom doesn't come very easy to me but I really am trying and praying about all this!

Thank you for that insight. I'm really glad I found GCM and for Bonny (if she's still out there) for pointing me to this direction. :heart