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Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
Below you will find collected past posts about "you hit, you sit" as well as posts about hitting in general. Each new discussion has an :arrow in front of it.
To start this sticky off, here is a quote by ArmsOfLove briefly describing "you hit, you sit." Quote:
:arrow Title: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 04:46:21 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Basically, when you're using this tool you have a child who hits (or hurts) sit and take a break until they are ready to apologize/make amends and be gentle with their sibling. If you have a Comfort Corner they can sit there, or on the couch, or anywhere that gives them a chance to get out of the fray and collect themselves. I use it effectively with all of my children--even my 3yo (although I admit he's far more mature and communicates better than most 3 yo's). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Mothering by Heart on March 22, 2005, 04:56:55 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just started using this about a week ago. My 4yo is the ones who sits there more than anyone else. At first, she would sit but protest, "Ill sit here until I want to get up. :rolleyes I just said, "You may get up when you are ready to play without hurting." I have also used it with my 2.5 yo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: greenemama on March 22, 2005, 05:17:33 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is this usually used when said child is purposefully aggressive? or over zealous in play? or both? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 05:19:43 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- for me it's both. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: greenemama on March 22, 2005, 05:20:51 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- do you discuss the hitting before after or during the sitting? i would think with an older child it's obvious why they're sitting. let's talk about a three year old. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Wake Me Up on March 22, 2005, 05:30:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just to be difficult... lol... What do you do when they start screaming in your face when you tell them to go sit?? Then if you take them by the shoulder to steer them there, they start thrashing and kicking??? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 05:35:17 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I introduced the rule at a neutral time after it was becoming an issue and explained it and answered questions. While I was having them sit the first few times I reminded them about the new rule. Now they will tell me what they are having to do ;) If they start thrashing I'd do a bear hug and either wait until they calm down or pick them up and get them to the couch and sit with thems. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Wake Me Up on March 22, 2005, 06:38:47 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I introduced the rule at a neutral time after it was becoming an issue and explained it and answered questions. I forget this part. I'm trying to explain this concept to my dh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: DogwoodMama on March 22, 2005, 06:45:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You say you use it with your 3 year old... is that about as young as it works for? I know it would not work for Charlotte right now, plus she doesn't hit. But just trying to think ahead. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 06:51:25 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will probably introduce it to these little guys as soon as they are able to hit out of frustration. I will incorporate it with the Comfort Corner (which I'm gonna have be my recliner as soon as I can get up long enough to introduce it :rolleyes) but I'll take them with me to have a little break. I actually think that the earlier and more proactively and positively you introduce any tool the more effective it will be and the less resistance you will have to it. When it's just part of how things are done they simply do it :shrug :smile -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: FlyinKiwi on March 22, 2005, 07:05:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As part of this I think you Crystal have mentioned making amends. I've tried this but some of them have great trouble thinking up a nice thing that the hitting sibling can do for them :shrug what to do?? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 07:11:00 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :lol most of the time my children request a rousing round of Ring Around the Rosie :D -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: palil on March 22, 2005, 07:20:30 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does giving a hug or kiss count as doing a nice thing to make amend. After saying sorry, my guys always want to bear hug and roll around. I'm not sure if I "taught" them to do that by being lovey, or if that really is what they choose to do to make amends.. ? :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: LadyBird on March 22, 2005, 07:23:30 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So what would I do for Elizabeth? She hits sometimes when she is showing aggression. She will grab faces, or grab at my boob if she gets mad. She started this actually at an earlier age...and I have wondered the best way to deal with it. I usually just take the "hitting or grabbing" hand in mine, adn look her in the eye and say, "we don't hit" in a firm voice, then let her go on to other things instead of dwelling on it. Is that a good way to handle it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: elcollins on March 22, 2005, 07:24:56 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The little boy I watch just turned two on Saturday, but he definitely 'gets it'. For us it is more a 'you hit, you sit on my lap' kind of thing. Usually I will put him on my hip and take him out of the room and remind him that he needs to be 'gentle with ____'. And yes, when he is really worked up, he screams and kicks, but we bear hug and reassess the problem. Many times at my house he is so busy chasing after my girls that I have trouble getting him to eat, so often a snack helps take the sting out of my busy-bee. I just started this with him last week and he was a different boy yesterday and today. At one point he did hit, but lightly, not the full force slap I witnessed him give my 10yo last week. I said his name to get his attention and he looked at me and said 'I hit' and he sat down in the closest chair. It was so cute. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Radosny Matka on March 22, 2005, 08:08:27 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Could this work with throwing toys, yelling, plain being rude? I.e. - you can get up when you can be nice, or would that be giving it a more punative spin? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: FlyinKiwi on March 22, 2005, 08:12:29 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 07:11:00 PM :lol most of the time my children request a rousing round of Ring Around the Rosie :D The main "proplem" is when the younger one hits the older ones. Miss 6 will say they can't do anything nice for me! (said in a very grumpy voice). Thinking now, I guess she hasn't forgiven the one who hit her and is not ready to accept their "sorry"?? :shrug Miss six wants Miss 8 to do something that Miss 8 does not want to do ... It seems like I'm *always* helping them to sort out the "make up" :eek -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: palil on March 22, 2005, 08:21:21 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crystal, so you start this with your kids when they are tiny? My ds2 would flail around in frustration and started swatting, grabbing, pinching, etc, well before his first birthday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 22, 2005, 08:37:18 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well I only institued the actual "you hit, you sit" a couple of months ago, but I've, for a long time, done the stopping of aggression in my little ones and held them/sat with them if they are being repeatedly aggressive. Usually I put them in the sling when that is happening. It's where my toddlers *sit* :) Now that I have this tool I will say "you hit, you sit" when I do it--whether I sling them or sit on the couch/chair/comfort corner with them. It's about incorporating the practice with the name. I love this--perfect example of what I'm trying to describe Quote At one point he did hit, but lightly, not the full force slap I witnessed him give my 10yo last week. I said his name to get his attention and he looked at me and said 'I hit' and he sat down in the closest chair -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: mummy2boys on March 22, 2005, 10:37:49 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay....about to implement this.....maybe I will discuss it when they are having a bath tonight....nice and calm :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Mother of Sons on March 22, 2005, 10:42:18 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This doesn't really work well for us.. For us it resulted in a battle over making them sit down which completely took the focus off of the hitting. For our biggest hitter too, hitting wasn't to be mean, it was how he showed happy, how he showed excited, etc. Giving a time out for being excited didn't seem right and it didn't teach him how to be excited appropriately. I guess I feel the same about angry hitting. You hit you sit doesn't really teach them how to express anger appropriately (although I'm sure that's done in conjunction, I'd just rather go straight to that and skip the time out battle) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: SusieSassafrass on March 22, 2005, 11:02:24 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well, as far as making ammends, we have our ds (28mos) do "gentle touches" or soft touches and give sister a hug. he does it on his own now w/o me having to prompt him. The funny thing is that he goes to rub/pat your head :doh, which almost looks like he's going to hit again, and i think he scared one of his little friends the other day when he gave her gentle touches. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
discussion continued. . .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: mummy2boys on March 23, 2005, 03:39:33 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well we implemented this tonight....its just a lounge chair but it will do for now...I explained it all to them and they added a teddy each and a book so we will see how it goes :tu Now I just gotta explain it all to my DH ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 04:19:04 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I end up redirecting to a "sitting down" activity a lot. (play doh, drawing, etc.) I've had the same problem with it turning into a battle over the sitting down part. Staying with him and hugging (if he'll let me) or just waiting until he's ready to fix things or try again sometimes helps... but not always. Sometimes I can't go with him for one reason or another (up to my elbows in something wet/dirty, making an important phone call, etc.). I reserve the option of removing him to his room for extreme cases, mainly b/c it's a full flight of stairs carrying a gigantic (protesting) 3yo. Also b/c while I'm sitting with ds helping him calm down or talking to him, my little guy starts crying and looking for us. We are working on our yard, but I don't think I'll ever be able to just "send" them outside. We live on a curve, are not allowed to fence in our front yard, and have a creek in the back that tends to produce snakes. :wow ICK. They don't go out unless I am with them. Unfortunately, that limits their outside time, but that's just life for now. I realize, though, that part of the problem is I *didn't* start it early and just make it a part of "how things are." (And I haven't really started it much with my toddler, either... I just keep waiting until he's "ready.".... and now he's probably way past "ready." :doh *sigh* My comfort corner is RIGHT THERE begging to be used! I'm trying to get back in the habit. :) I also need to make a point of explaining it at a neutral time... I guess I have never really done that... :blush I just started implementing "breaks" and figured they would pick up on it. hmmm.. good things to think about. I've wondered before.. if you use it for general *hurting* each other and not just hitting specifically... do you still use the words "you hit you sit" ? Much of our violence takes a form other than just simple hitting. (What can I say? My boys are creative! :rolleyes :lol) So do I just modify it... ? You smash, you hit. You kick, you sit. You pinch, you sit. You bite, you sit. When I've started down that road before, it felt... sorta punitive... like I was just making them sit all day over and over... also a bit counterproductive when the *reason* behind their hitting is related to excitement, pent-up energy, frustration with a toy or a sibling, and typical little-boy assertiveness. :think Not trying to be difficult, btw... :shifty I've been interested in--but conflicted about--this particular tool for some time now. It's a very interesting discussion. :O -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: greenemama on March 23, 2005, 06:28:33 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what about hurting with words, is that applicable? i mean, i know that the CC helps you to regroup, relax, just get out of the zone of aggression, so maybe it wouldn't apply to saying hurtful things. although, i am more prone to *need* the CC when i've been verbally wrong -- yelling, or when i feel like i want to yell at the kids. this would probably be for an older child, but would you use the "you hit, you sit" in the CC when your dc is hurting others verbally? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 23, 2005, 09:45:18 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well the comfort corner is for any time you've lost your cooperation, your listen, your cool :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 10:06:06 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've been using "you hit you sit" with my children since my eldest son was 2 1/2 or so. (almost 8 years!!! :eek) Of course, the 10 year old doesn't need this anymore. :) What we do: Calmly but firmly say "You hit, you sit" while taking child to sitting spot (in our case it's the first step on our stairs. It's out of the way but not isolated). I then tell them I will let them know when they can come "make it better" to their brother. (I use about 1 min per age of child). As soon as the time is up, I go to them and talk about what happened and what choice they can make next time instead of hitting. Sometimes I do this during the sitting time. Other times, I am comforting the child who was hit so the explanation time waits. Then I ask how they can "make things better with their hands since they hit with their hands". I'll give some ideas if needed (a hug to their brother, bringing a treat to their brother, etc). If my child is thrashing, yelling, kicking to the "sit spot", I simply help them there and help keep them there if needed (bear hug, re-sitting them each time they get up, etc). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 10:09:01 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For words, etc, we use a "cool down" approach (basically a cuddle corner but re-phrased in language my older children prefer ;)). Then, the child needs to "make it better" with his mouth (ie, saying something kind, giving a praise, etc) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 10:35:00 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- grrr.. this is not working. what do you do with an 18-mo old? He is not getting it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: greenemama on March 23, 2005, 10:57:46 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: ArmsOfLove on March 23, 2005, 09:45:18 AM well the comfort corner is for any time you've lost your cooperation, your listen, your cool :) aha. i'm totally starting to get this. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 11:23:38 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ok. I decided to try this today. I explained first thing the morning what we were going to do today. my ds2 (18 mos) hurt his brother this morning and I took him to the CC and stayed with him... told him he hurt C. and asked if he could make it right. He said "no, no no..." so we sat for a bit... then I brought it up again... "no, no, no.. ." He wouldn't stay there by himself, so I had to sit with him.. which was totally fine. He seemed to like having me all to himself and was asking to play or nurse, etc. We repeated that scenario several times, and I even took him into where his brother was playing a couple of times.. he understands "apologize" and "make it right" and is usually very quick to give a hug and kiss (he doesn't say the word "sorry" yet), but he wouldn't.. "no, no, no..." Finally after more than half and hour I just gave up.... I can't spend the rest of the day doing that with him, and I can't (won't) forcibly confine him for the rest of the day over this. :banghead :shrug Is he just too young? I've never even considered trying "you hit you sit" with him until I read this thread... he just didn't seem old enough. Also... QuietSpirit you mentioned having your kids stay sitting for a time period until you tell them to come make it right. I have shied away from doing that b/c it seemed like a traditional time out. If my 3yo says he's ready to try again or make it right, then he can come out... but it does frequently cause a problem b/c he's always INSTANTLY ready to come out (even before he's sitting LOL) and I still need to deal with little brother who is crying/hurt.. not to mention my own frustration.. I feel like I'm just teaching him that saying you're sorry makes everything ok and wins your freedom back. I have never used this tool successfully, but I don't want to give up on it until I'm sure I've given it a reasonable amount of effort and a proper implementation. :( Any help? Anybody see what I'm doing or thinking wrong that short-circuiting this? Is it possible that this tool is just not a good fit for our family? :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: elcollins on March 23, 2005, 12:46:36 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- <<Is he just too young? I've never even considered trying "you hit you sit" with him until I read this thread... he just didn't seem old enough.>> I do think he is too young, especially for the apology part. I do not require my little boy to make amends, I think even at two he is just not ready. I am thrilled that there is a dramatic reduction in rough play. He loves my girls and just the act of seperating them is deterrant enough to get his attention. The point is to diffuse the situation, protect the other child, and have them learn at some point that certain behaviors are not welcome. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: ainsleesmommy on March 23, 2005, 01:57:18 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I've only recently started it, and right now don't care if it's punitive, cause I'm still angry about it. Dd has never been a hitter, is not a physically aggressive child and lately has been slapping me across the face when she's upset.........and she's been upset a lot lately. She has a cold or allergies or something, and not feeling great, and I understnad that, but if she wants to stay alive, she'd better not hit me..........(that's my instincutal reaction) I was so afraid to do anything because I was so angry that I discussed with dh and then we both discussed with dd before we did it. I use a set time. She will NEVER say she's sorry, unless it is spontaneously, hours later, after she is up and harmony has been restored. I don't call it a punishment, I call it a reminder. As in you need to sit in the chair to remind you that you are NOT to hit your mommy! I'll let you know in a year or two if it works LOL! We are having lots of really stubborn issues with her right now, so the time-out method is better than requiring something of her right now. She sat for two hours sometimes with us and sometimes alone, etc., with numerous offers of help and discussion on "lighter" topics once before she would pick up a toy..............so I just can't do that more than once a day. She is such a drama queen, too, that putting her in the chair is lots of screaming and carrying on, miraculously she has always calmed a "bit" before I let her out. (You have to pounce on that moment rather quickly, too) Anyway, that's our version. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 05:53:57 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Palil, Yes, he's too young ;) At his age, I would focus more on "Oh no (spoken in a sad firm voice) hitting hurts" while giving the hurt child a hug. Then saying "Can we give brother a love and make it better?" while hugging the sibling. At 18 months, you are both modeling giving loving gentle touches and teaching that hitting is not acceptable. But, you can't really use the "you hit you sit" at this age. He's just not developmentally ready to get the "if/then" scenario. For the specific time period with my children, I do that when they are older (around 4). Younger than that, I lead them to the sit spot and go through the same teaching scenario (hitting is not acceptable. It hurts. How can you make it better with your hands?" and then allow them to get up to make it better. It's all in how you approach it (in terms of your mind set). For me, my mindset is "Hitting is not acceptable. My child needs a place to calm down and think while I attend to the other child. Then I can go to the child that hit and address what happened and how to do it better the next time." As opposed to a Time Out where the mindset is "Hitting is not acceptable. I must punish my child by isolating them until they've learned their lessen". Etc Does that make more sense? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 05:55:10 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also, It helps to remember that it is never helpful to force an apology. Apologies must come from the heart of the child or they mean absolutely nothing. :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: palil on March 23, 2005, 06:00:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, that helps clarify.. Thank you. I agree that forced apologies are a bad idea. :td I am trying to incorporate some new wording and suggestions into my "hitting" response so that ds can start learning it's about more than just an apology. One of my pet peeves is when somebody instantly reacts with an flippant apology instead of acknowleging the hurt they caused.. so maybe I'm a bit over-sensitive. :/ I guess if he instantly has a change a heart and wants to apologize, I should continue letting him do so. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: let's talk about "you hit, you sit" Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 06:03:00 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know what you mean. I've had those same thoughts about apologies. :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out? Post by: Laurie on September 26, 2005, 09:30:57 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think I understand the intent of the "you hit, you sit" idea; that it is an opportunity for a child to calm down in a sfae area, either in the same room where the hitting occured (not isolated) or in a "comfort corner", and that the tone is not punitive. Are there other differences that I'm not seeing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out? Post by: ArmsOfLove on September 26, 2005, 09:38:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- typically they are taking a break until they are ready to make amends--rather than being isolated for an arbitrary amount of time with certain expected behavior (i.e. no fussing, etc.) It's also a very helpful tool when you need to stop the hurting child and take care of the hurt one. Another thing I try to remember is that children do not typically hit unprovoked. So I'm not punishing or focusing on the behavior of the hitting child because I'm going to get back to them and address the issue from their perspective also. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out? Post by: Joanne on September 27, 2005, 05:14:10 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
You hit, you sit is more logical in that in can be related to the issue. If you hit, you are not following the rules of play and you need to sit out. A choice to hit becomes a choice to be removed from play. Coaching is encouraged and arbitrary time limits are not imposed. It's not punitive in that it's not designed to punish, but to keep other kids safe and give the child some transition time (with help, if needed). In the other "kinds" of time outs, children are expected to "think about what they did", but let's be honest. They don't. They think about "when can I get out?" and the original issue is obscured. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How does "you hit, you sit" differ from time out? Post by: hsgbdmama on September 27, 2005, 07:04:47 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I second how ineffective time outs can be -- we have seen them used for every little thing, to the point where the child was being sent to their room within 5 minutes of coming out from one. Unfortunately the parents were not seeing how ineffective they were. :( |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Hitting by 23month ds Post by: GCM Lover on March 24, 2005, 12:05:43 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well it has happened... ds hit me... out of anger. well he was frustrated I took away my modem equipment from him and he proceeded to do this jump in place thing while waving his arms like a drowning bird then stopped and wacked me. INTENTIONALLY and HARD. So I said we don't hit... HE HIT ME AGAIN. so i put him on the floor and walked away ... he had a fit but then a few seconds later (about 20) i came back and comforted him and explained that we don't hit.. NOW WHAT? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting by 23month ds Post by: Quietspirit on March 25, 2005, 06:42:27 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would change your wording. ;) "We" don't hit but obviously your little one is right now ;) Next time (and there will be due to his age), I would do what you did and say "OUCH. Hitting hurts." while removing him from you. He will throw a fit. You can reflect his feelings calmly "You are angry that Mommy won't let you play with the modem" and cuddle him. If he tries to hit again, say again "OUCH. Hitting hurts." and put him down again. Be firm and don't allow him to hurt you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting by 23month ds Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 25, 2005, 11:03:12 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I usually say, "I will not allow you to hurt me." And if I can't stop him (by grabbing his hand mid-swing) then I will set him down and walk away while telling him that I will be around him when he can treat me kindly. I've told my children I will not allow them to abuse me; that our house rule is no hurting with bodies or words and that hitting hurts me with his body; and actively taught what TO do--you may be angry; you may not hit. Teach anger dances, sign language for "angry", draw angry pictures, reflect feelings, deal with the whole child :) |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Aggression Post by: mummy2boys on March 29, 2005, 04:35:24 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay I posted before about anger problems we were having with out kids...well it has escalated the last week or so and we are not sure what to do. I implemented the comfort corner but they wouldn't go willingly and when we took them we had to practically sit on them to get them to stay there (we didn't actually sit on them ;)) Then they would leave the chair and do the same thing again. They have both started to hit me which we have explained it wrong and why but it doesn't seem to be getting through. I thought maybe they weren't getting enough "outside" time to run off some steam iykwim but that doesn't seem to have changed anything either. The youngest (4.5 yrs) also seems to be really clingy atm when he is not shouting or hitting me or running amok. He goes from placid to hyper in about 10 seconds flat. I have eatched his diet as he is a coeliac but he hasn't had anything he shouldn't have as far as I know Am I expecting too much to soon or is there anything else I could try -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: greenemama on March 29, 2005, 07:20:50 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i've got a very aggressive 2.5 yo boy. i think part of it is just "boy." not that that excuses it, but i think it helps explain some of it. :shrug there are some ways to get out that aggressive energy. i let henry beat things around in his room with pillows. i tell him to "hit the pillow" or something like that instead of hitting mommy or something he shouldn't be beating on. he just wants to beat on stuff. it's stressing exhausting! :hissyfit lots of wrestling, not just with dad, but with me. he likes to be held down and to have to try to get out of it. because he's so aggressive he often hurts jude (9.5 mo). so i've been doing some of the "you hit, you sit" in the comfort chair or another chair or stool if we're not close to the chair. he is allowed to have his "baby" (his hippo gary) and that's it. if i give him books or things that are otherwise relaxing he's throwing the books or beating on the floor with them. ugh. at first i've had to sit with him, but that ends up in a bear hug since he's not cuddling or anything gentle, mostly hitting and flailing. but we've phased into having him sit alone and i'm AMAZED that when he's ready for me to come and sit with him (i'm always right there, a few feet away, waiting for him to relax) that he's totally gentle with me and volunatarily apologetic. then he gets up and is much more relaxed. :tu i've also noticed that the aggression has dropped A LOT since we put away movies that are really aggressive. he loved the spiderman movies but they're too violent, i think, so we put them away and he begs to watch them some days but we don't do it and i think he just plays better overall since he hasn't had those influences. more pooh, dora and richard scarry. :) honestly, it's soooo much better. live and learn. :shrug and food-wise i've been trying to feed him a really good whole grain and protein breakfast to give him a full tummy without sugar and i believe that this has helped too (thanks to palil's thread on good breakfasts! :). and lots of snacks during the day so that he's not running on empty. being proactive with the food thing has helped minimize both crazy aggressive behavior and major meltdowns. last night i thought he'd be more mellow since we spent about three house outside climbing and running around. of course not. ugh. anyhow, that's the only advice i have. i'll be watching this thread, tho. :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: palil on March 29, 2005, 01:24:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ditto on cutting back sugar and being more choosy about movies. We've put away all the ones that refer to killing something or someone... (which is almost EVERY Disney movie) or even use the word, b/c ds started saying he was going to kill me when he got mad. I let him know why we were putting them away. Your post sorta sounded like this has started all of a sudden, or at least intensified recently. Can you identify any triggers or recent changes in your life that might be causing this? Stuff that contributes to my boys' aggression is Mommy being too busy, Mommy being pre-occupied or upset about something and carrying a chip on my shoulder through the day :blush, Daddy being upset or more punitive than usual, Daddy being gone a lot, a disorganized house, too many or too disorganized toys, etc. We are also working S-L-O-W-L-Y toward implementing more structure into our days. This is particularly hard b/c it all falls to me (dh doesn't really participate in a predictable manner with our day to day activities) and I am pretty laid back. :/ BUT.. I think my oldest son, especially, would benefit from it... having them involved in predictable activities more might prevent the boredom and frustration that so frequently results in aggressive behaviors. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: 4blessings on March 29, 2005, 01:31:46 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote thanks to palil's thread on good breakfasts! Is that on this board or the old one? If it's on this one, doesn anyone have a link? I'd love to read that thread! Thanks! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: palil on March 30, 2005, 05:46:20 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...p?topic=2138.0 I assume Greenemama is talking about this thread from the vegan/vetetarian forum. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: greenemama on March 30, 2005, 06:21:20 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yes, that's the one. :hearts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 30, 2005, 10:17:11 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also, it's quite possible that in cutting out punishments you've gone permissive. It's a balance to stop punishing without giving the idea that the standard for expected behavior is lowered. Can you describe how a situation might have gone before when there wasn't this anger/aggression issue? And how the same situation would look now? That will help me respond. Thanks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: mummy2boys on March 30, 2005, 11:46:00 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay I will give it a try Crystal ;) In church they have been mucking up alot so I told them that if they mucked up I would give them 3 warnings (for big things...not for asking a q or anything) I told them if they persisted I would take them out until the service was over. So......I warned and they kept it up so I took them out, sat them both down and asked them to tell me why we had to go out. They told me (being loud, throwing things :blush) and what I had told them so I KNEW they had heard me iykwim. They were still shouting at me and telling me they didn't like me etc so I said that after the service we would not be staying for morning tea (was this the right thing to do?????? :shrug) Anyway, we went back into church when it finished and I told my DH that we were leaving and why (he was in a separte car as he was playing his guitar) and my 6.5 yr old said "NO WE AREN"T" and then punched me in the back :eek I just took him by the hand, led him out (all the while my face was red and I was :mad and I drove home in silence as they were calling me names and telling me I was mean mummy etc. I told them to get out of their good clothes then go sit on a chair each and calm down before we spoke about it. I hope that helps Crystal.....I am trying to let them know I mean business when I say things but its kinda like they are trying to get a reaction from me...maybe to see if I will smack them???!!!??? :shrug Would be interested to see what you think and THANK YOU to everyone who replied. AM off to read the link about food as well. Thanks for that too. Most days I feel like I am :banghead but I will keep at it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 31, 2005, 04:35:24 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: mummy2boys on March 30, 2005, 11:46:00 PM Okay I will give it a try Crystal ;) thanks--it helps but there are also more questions ;) Quote In church they have been mucking up alot so I told them that if they mucked up I would give them 3 warnings (for big things...not for asking a q or anything) I told them if they persisted I would take them out until the service was over. So......I warned and they kept it up so I took them out, sat them both down and asked them to tell me why we had to go out. They told me (being loud, throwing things :blush) and what I had told them so I KNEW they had heard me iykwim. They were still shouting at me and telling me they didn't like me etc so I said that after the service we would not be staying for morning tea (was this the right thing to do?????? :shrug) Do you have specific "rules" for church behavior? Did you remind then before the service? Were they able to sit through service before or has this always been an issue and you're just trying to address it better? At the point where we were out of the service and I was being yelled at we'd have gone to the car and I'd have called dh on his cell phone after the service to let him know we'd gone home. If they were able to sit in service before then I'd make sure to set up staying and being successful both as the expectation and the goal. Especially at 6 I might set up the logical consequence of a no answer for the next requested movie at home (about the same time as sitting through most services and ironically children can sit through a movie but not church ;) ). I'd have a family meeting to discuss this problem and get their input, but make sure the final decision about what will be done is yours. They might come up with writing sentences about cooperation (great for homeschooled kids ;) ), or apologizing to the pastor for being disruptive during his service--there are lots of things that brainstorming might come up with that would be appropriate :) If they have never been able to sit through service then you can either accept this and make going out not a big deal and/or work on this during the week. Some moms have done "practice church" where they increase the amount of time they sit and either listen to a tape of the pastor or watch a service on tv or read the Bible, etc. Also, is there something they could be doing instead at that time? Child classes? We don't have them during the service, but many churches do. Would that be a more appropriate place for them at this stage? Quote Anyway, we went back into church when it finished and I told my DH that we were leaving and why (he was in a separte car as he was playing his guitar) and my 6.5 yr old said "NO WE AREN"T" and then punched me in the back :eek I just took him by the hand, led him out (all the while my face was red and I was :mad and I drove home in silence as they were calling me names and telling me I was mean mummy etc. I told them to get out of their good clothes then go sit on a chair each and calm down before we spoke about it. :eek :wow That would send me over the top. What did your dh do? I think under the circumstances you handled it well--you got everyone out of there and calmed down. What happened when you talked about it? Did he ever apologize? I would have grabbed him by the arm and marched him to the car and told him something to the effect of, "You will NOT hit me." But I think part of what fueled this was him feeling like he failed and was getting punished by not staying for tea (not that that makes this okay!) Quote I hope that helps Crystal.....I am trying to let them know I mean business when I say things but its kinda like they are trying to get a reaction from me...maybe to see if I will smack them???!!!??? :shrug It does get worse before it gets better and they may be trying to do that. Have you tried asking them in the moment? When they get going I might stop and ask, "Are you trying to see how much it will take for me to smack you? Are you trying to see if I'm serious about not spanking?" And see waht they say. Are there times when they aren't aggressive? When they do cooperate? What is different about those times? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: mummy2boys on April 02, 2005, 02:50:02 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sitting through church has always been an issue for them.....they just seem to be getting louder lately and it kind of feels like "Well, what are you going to do if I shout, throw stuff" etc IYKWIM. They usually go out for Sunday School after 15 minutes in church but this was Good Friday so no SS....maybe that made a difference :shrug I thought about making them apologise to those around us who they disturbed so I will do this next time ;) We might practise the sitting for a bit I think. Just they can both sit through chapel at school...hmmmm....maybe cos that is geared towards kids????? Okay, me not letting them stay for morning tea probably did attribute to his anger...what could I have done then??? any suggestions???? Dh didn't say much as he was with someone and I didn't want to make a big deal of it. I was approached by the pastors wife on Sunday who said she noticed I had a problem with my kids behaviour and felt she needed to let me know about it (like I hadn't already noticed!!!!) and she suggested I read some books called "Babywise" :eek Naturally I said no and explained why and ever since then I feel like I am being watched and being judged and I am feeling very uncomfortable about going to church tomorrow :cry Well I hope that helps more and I would love any more suggestions -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 02, 2005, 09:54:32 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote making them apologise I wouldn't make them apologize--I'd suggest it as a kind thing to do since they disrupted service for those around them. Some children will be overwhelmed and embarrassed by apologizing, but might want to color a card during the week for someone they've bothered and give it to them the next week. :eek about the pastor's wife offering Babywise--that would creep me out :( As for the tea . . . remember the goal is to help them feel good so they will act good. If you didn't think that their behavior would improve then I'd go home; if getting them out of a place where they had to be quiet and still helped them to calm down then I'd go over the rules for the tea and let them know we would try and if they could be successful we would stay. Remember that punishments are *re*active but GBD is *pro*active--always thinking "how can I help them be successful at this?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: greenemama on April 02, 2005, 11:44:50 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your pastor's wife was out of line. if my pastor's wife said that to me she would be bombarded with information on punitive parenting, specifically the ezzos, and especially babywise, faster than she could "notice" a problem with my kiddos. that's totally judgemental for her to say that. how close is your relationship to her? if you are good friends, than i suppose it would be different. if she's just trying to meddle, she's out of line. hugs about feeling judged. i feel that way every sunday. my kids (both now!) are the only children in church who cannot stay. noises from kids are tolerated and kids are pretty much required to be in the service (no other place for them to go unless i go with). henry (almost 3) would be screaming loudly, though, not just making little noises. it is frustrating and every sunday we leave feeling grumpy because we feel like everyone is wondering why i'm not switch training henry at home. :( not everyone, but some. including the pastor's wife. :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Aggression Post by: mummy2boys on April 03, 2005, 03:18:07 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mollie ~ We are not "close" friends with the pastor or his wife iykwim......I think some of the probs are my 2 are "real" boys (they fidget, are noisy, like bugs etc etc etc) whereas her two children (one of each) are very quiet...they have NEVER had to be taken out of church and they are very quiet and rarely get spoken to about bad behaviour......I don't have a problem with that but EVERY child is different and I feel really judged....so much so that as the kids were clowning around this morning I decided not to take them to church. I don't want to be watched all the time kwim???? Crystal ~ Good tips...thank you as always :tu I will not "make" them apologise but help them to realise that others are affected and see if maybe next time they can come up with a good way to apologise (for want of a better word) in their own way. You ladies are AWESOME.....Thank you for patiently guiding me through this and helping me see where I have got it wrong, where I can come up with better ideas, and how to graciously ask for help :heart |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: mommyof2 on April 21, 2005, 01:46:57 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am at my wits end. My dd who was 2 in February constantly hits my other dd who is 6 months. This has gone on for well 6 months! We have tried it all. Talked about being gentle, showed her how the baby is crying and hurt, put her in her room, taken away something. Nothing worked. DD was constantly getting hurt. There is no way I can keep her away from the baby 24/7. She is normally so sweet and a great kid so I don't know why she does this. We have prayed and prayed with her and about it. She talks about being nice to the baby and does really well and then all of a sudden- smack. I am so sick of the baby getting hurt- it breaks my heart. So I spanked her. She quit doing it and it is rare now but it still happens and then I spank her. Am I a horrible mother now? I wasn't angry and it didn't leave a mark but she did cry. I thought I would never ever spank. I used to teach 1st grade and was horrified when kids told me they got spanked. What am I supposed to do?!?! I know it is a hard adjustment having a new baby- but 6 months? And she gets tons of love and attention so I know that is not the reason. AAHH- I am just frustrated- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2005, 03:10:38 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, first, spanking isn't working. (((((((((( :hug))))))))))) I know you are frustrated. Let's look at some reality though . . . she is *ONLY* two--she is still a baby. So very young. Only on the earth 2 years and no way she can navigate it with maturity. Even when she *knows* something she lacks the impulse control and maturity to consistently *do* what she knows. And you have *only* been dealing with this issue for 6 months--I know that is the entire life of your baby, but in the scheme of things it's really not that long at all. What you are describing is totally age expected behavior. That doesn't make it appropriate, but it does mean there's nothing *wrong* with your 2yo that this is happening. Now, some things you can do: if anyone is calling her "big" girl or "big" sister please insist they stop. Baby her--find ways to treat her like a baby. Wrap her in her towel after bath and cradle hold and rock her, look at her baby pictures and talk about when she was a baby, sing baby songs to her, cuddle often, watch her birth video if you have it, etc. The book "Siblings without rivalry" and the book "I love you Rituals" by Becky Bailey are highly recommended Becky Bailey talks about getting more of what you focus on. So point out when she does interact well with the baby. The reality is you have two very little babies and they need constant supervision. If the baby is down then have him in a bouncy chair on the table or in a playpen where she can't get at him. Give her a baby free zone to play in (put her in a playpen or play yard so that her things are safe and baby can crawl around). hth -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: mommyof2 on April 21, 2005, 04:05:34 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh no! We always call her the big sister- why is that bad? I thought it was good- I do still cuddle her a lot- she rocks with me, I carry her as much as possible- though it is hard with the baby to carry both- though I often do. Sometimes I feel like my back is going to break- 45 pounds of babies on me! I am glad to know it is age-appropriate. I just feel so bad because I don't carry the baby nearly as much as I did her and it seems she still gets the most attention. The baby is really easy going. Sorry I am rambling- What should I do if she does hit? I do praise her a lot and she does great kissing the baby, hugging her etc. (most of the time- but it still happens that she hurts her at least once a day.) Thanks so much for your help- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2005, 04:18:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Oh no! We always call her the big sister- why is that bad? For some children it feels like too much pressure to grow up when they still want to be a baby. Most parents with problems like you're describing find they clear up within about 2 weeks or less of cutting out the "big" As for what to do . . . I would honor the desire to hit but redirect it. "Pillows are for hitting, not people" is great for the hitting times. Teaching baby signs gives a way to communicate before they are verbal--and becoming verbal helps a lot too. Our home rule is "We do not hurt with bodies or words." Followed by "I will not allow you to hurt your brother." And move her away :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: mommyof2 on April 21, 2005, 06:47:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you Crystal- we will try that. I appreciate you taking the time to help me. I first found out about you on the MOPs message board. I read all the information you put there about spanking and was so thrilled to find there were Christians out there who practice attachment parenting. You are an inspiration to us all!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2005, 07:30:32 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :O thank you. I'm so glad you found your way here :D And post specifics if you have questions so we can brainstorm solutions with you :D :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: Joanne on April 22, 2005, 05:16:10 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Oh no! We always call her the big sister- why is that bad? More on this (although Crystal has done well addressing it). The motivation behind calling kids "big" is to encourage. That's a good motive. Unfortunately, the effect is often counter productive. It makes kids feel like they have to let go of the very things they see the baby getting. To them "big" means "less loved". "Big" also is a constant reminder of the baby and ties their place in the family not to their uniqueness but the baby. I hope that was clear? :D In a similar way, I'd probably consider dropping the praise when she's kind to the baby. The praise when she's affectionate might also be adding pressure that she feel that way to the baby all the time. I'd recommend an honest talk about the baby. Tell her babies are cute, cuddly, funny and great. *Also* tell her they are stinky, loud, demanding and boring. Tell her it's okay that she have mixed feelings about the baby. Tell her that sometimes you don't feel all squishy towards to baby, either. I have a feeling your dd may be afraid of her mixed feelings. She needs a way to process them and know they are normal and acceptable to you. With the presense of "big" and the praise only during affection, your 2 yo might feel that her being mature and loving to the baby is the only time she's okay in your eyes. And, finally, tell her that you know she both loves and not loves the baby. And that you will *help* her not hurt the baby until she's able to do it herself. And structure your day and life to minimize times where your oldest baby feels the impulse to act out on her very confused feelings. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 22, 2005, 11:32:44 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I'd recommend an honest talk about the baby. Tell her babies are cute, cuddly, funny and great. *Also* tell her they are stinky, loud, demanding and boring. Tell her it's okay that she have mixed feelings about the baby. Tell her that sometimes you don't feel all squishy towards to baby, either. I have a feeling your dd may be afraid of her mixed feelings. She needs a way to process them and know they are normal and acceptable to you. I can't believe I forgot this :doh It is always such a relief for my little ones to hear that their negative feelings are normal and okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: mommyof2 on April 22, 2005, 02:16:29 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you- now I feel so bad like I have been expecting her to act older than her 2 years. Yesterday after reading about not calling her "big" I couldn't believe how many times I caught myself saying it. I actually asked her if she wishes she was still a baby- she said, "yes". So my husband and I told her that was fine, she could still be a baby and do baby stuff. It has been quite a month for her. She learned how to use the potty- in a couple of days all on her own basically- and moved to her own bed. Probably way too many transitions? I feel so bad- she seemed to be handling everything so well. I love her so much but it is so frustrating. Today the baby was sleeping so she poked her in the eyes. It is so hard to keep them separated all the time. Besides she loves the baby so much so I don 't want to always keep them apart. I never leave them alone but if I turn my back for a second she hits the baby. Rambling again... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: Joanne on April 22, 2005, 02:42:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Besides she loves the baby so much so I don 't want to always keep them apart. I never leave them alone but if I turn my back for a second she hits the baby. Rambling again... I always feel bad telling moms this. But, she doesn't really love the baby so much. The baby is fascinating and irritating. In order to process her mixed feelings about the baby, she knows she can gain access if she wants to "hug and kiss". But you can't trust her. *sigh*. It's not that she won't love the baby. It's that she's too immature/little to move out of self centered love. You can't trust her with the baby. It'll come, but not now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Toddler keeps hitting baby Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 22, 2005, 02:51:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and :hug our culture doesn't get toddler/baby relations and most of the advice out there is based on the idea that toddlers need to be independant "big kids" and how much *everyone* (including the toddler) just loves and adores the baby. More often toddlers approach babies like they approach everything else in their world, "what will happen if I do THIS?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: hitting us Post by: mysonshine on May 03, 2005, 03:09:37 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok... I know this might seem well let's say "easy topic" but I am at a loss... ds just turned 2 on Saturday. For the last week, he has gotten into the habit of hitting me and dh when corrected or doesn't get his way. He knows it's wrong because for example... he's not to open my paperwork drawer in the office (house/mortgage importang house filings) I usually keep the office door closed but i was siting in the office and he opened the drawer. I got up and went to take his hands away to close the drawer and entertain him with something else. So I go to move his hands but end up having to pick him up... i take him to the hallway where his winnie the pooh train is ... as i put him down he is angry and screaming at me (different from just screaming) then he lifts his hand and as if thinking about it..he hits me then backs away staring at me. Since he started doing this I just ignore him and pretend it didn't happen... what is the right thing to do so he will learn not to do this... After this occured i talk to him saying i know you are angry you couldn't play with the drawer but we don't hit. Anyt advice woudl be great -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hitting us Post by: LisaM on May 03, 2005, 08:11:54 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would keep telling him "We don't hit people," but also continue validate his feelings, as he's probably hitting out of frustration. Can you make a drawer or special box in your office that's just for him? I think it's hard for toddlers to know that there's a room that's completely off limits. Dr. Sears wrote that every toddler deserves their own drawer in the kitchen, but maybe he should've added in the office, too! "You really want to play with the papers in Mommy's drawer. It's hard when you can't have something you want. Here are some papers for you. Please put them in your paper box." It can take a lot of repetition for a toddler to learn a hard and fast rule like "no hitting" so just keep at it. One of these days, you'll realize he's stopped! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Best response to hitting? Post by: singingmom on May 06, 2005, 03:31:33 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the appropriate response or consequence when my 6 or 8 yr old hits his brother? It doesn't happen often, but when it does I can only think of punishment. :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Best response to hitting? Post by: purplerose on May 06, 2005, 04:32:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When DD hits her brother I tell her very gently that we do not allow hitting in our house, and it makes people very sad when they get hit. I also tell her it makes mommy very sad when she hits. I also ask her why she hit him...she could just be frustrated at him and this is all she knows how to do. It seems to work with her, but she is only 3! Good luck and Ihope you find some answers soon!!! :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Best response to hitting? Post by: Joanne on May 06, 2005, 06:55:32 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote What is the appropriate response or consequence when my 6 or 8 yr old hits his brother? It doesn't happen often, but when it does I can only think of punishment. School agers are old enough to understand and benefit from logical, related imposed consequences. Hitting a sibling is a disrespectful use of his body. An appropriate response might be to insist on a *respectful* use his body towards his brother? A hug? Pegging him on his bike (that's a biggie here :tu)? Doing a simple chore of his brothers? A choice to hit, a choice to not employ impulse control becomes a choice to do something nice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Best response to hitting? Post by: singingmom on May 06, 2005, 07:22:02 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommabean3, you're a lovely gentle example. :hug Joanne, this is exactly what I needed to hear. :amen I had been thinking vaguely along these lines, but it seemed contrived at best when I tried to make it practical. Your suggestions give me a great start. I may even make a list of ways to respectfully use your body to help your brother, starting with these. Does anyone else have ideas for me to add to my list? :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Best response to hitting? Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 10, 2005, 10:52:45 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I do want to throw in a caution against saying your child's actions "make" anyone feel anything--they are not responsible for other people's feelings and to burden them with that can be confusing for some children and crippling for others. I was in my late 20's when I figured out that I wasn't responsible for other people's feelings even though I was responsible for my actions. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: Allison on May 19, 2005, 02:15:29 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're doing good. When I oldest start hitting (around the same age, if I remember correctly) I would say "No hit! Hitting hurts! Gentle hands" and show him how to touch softly. Honestly, it took FOREVER and I had to watch him very closely. I noticed by about age 2.5 that he was no longer even tempted to hit. Now at age four, hitting isn't a problem at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 02:35:16 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Are you giving him something *to* hit? I'd suggest that he has a frustration he's trying to get out for which "gentle touches" isn't going to cut it ;) There are two parts to stopping this: teaching him how to properly touch you and teaching him what he can hit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: ChibiBug on May 19, 2005, 03:10:38 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are on the right track...take his hands and say "touch gentle" and then SHOW him how to touch...eventually he will get the idea :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: Joanne on May 19, 2005, 03:23:38 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just wanted to add that aggression is a common stage kids pass through. It's not acceptable, of course, but it falls well within the boundaries of age expected behavior. Stop the hitting, direct the emotion appropriately, and teach a better way for "next time". I'd also increase use of baby signs until his verbal ability and cognitive ability match. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: nancymom on May 19, 2005, 05:10:21 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was about to post a similar question! My ds is 2 and rarely, if ever hits. But today he was upset because he wanted to keep playing in a puddle and I was carrying him away from it. He was screaming and saying no and then he slapped me with both hands on either side of the face. He only did it one and it was out of character for him. I was so shocked I did not know what to do. I just hugged him and redirected him to the backyard hose. Now he is happily playing out there with dh. I guess I should have not ignored it, but I just was caught off guard. What should I have done? I figured in the middle of a tantrum restraining his hands and telling him gentle touch would have made him more angry. :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 05:24:23 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think you did fine. If it happens again just add "I will not let you hit me" or "gentle touches--that hurt!" or something to let him know it's not okay :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: nancymom on May 19, 2005, 05:27:46 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you, Crystal! I am so excited to have this board to learn from. :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: Allison on May 19, 2005, 05:45:48 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's what I forgot! I actually learned about giving him something to hit at this site! We used pillows. If he tried to hit, we'd do the "No hit, etc" thing I described before and then I would offer him a pillow to hit. I was worried that he'd go around hitting pillows for the rest of his life when things didn't go his way (better than hitting people, but you know what I mean) but he shows no urge to hit at all anymore. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DS slapping ME! Post by: MamaKanga on May 20, 2005, 04:43:07 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My son is also a hitter. It's very frustrating. In addition to saying, "It's not ok to hit people. Hitting hurts. Use gentle touches like I do with you (and modeling the gentle pats while I speak)." I also did Crystal's idea of offering something he *could* hit. For us, it is a bobble--one of those big plastic blow-up things that you hit and it pops right back up. We have one upstairs and one downstairs and this has been amazingly effective in helping DS redirect his frustration. After working on it for a while, he will actually go hit the bobble all by himself, without my prompting. Just wanted to share! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: musicmama on March 23, 2005, 04:40:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm having a hard time redirecting my 10mo foster son. I KNOW it's young, and I find myself saying "no no" a lot. Help! Also, how to teach GENTLE hands, he hits and he hits HARD! Luckily, the dog is sweet and takes it, but he's been pinching and hitting every child he comes in contact with, too. Might be a moot point after court tomorrow, but good advice for later, too :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: nebraskanmom on March 23, 2005, 04:45:22 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I usually try to redirect into more acceptable "hitting" like giving high fives. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: mummy2boys on March 23, 2005, 06:38:04 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Will watch this with interest....kind of advice we need right now -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: kris10s on March 23, 2005, 06:41:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We do high fives, and I also grab her wrist (not too hard) when she is hitting hard and show her how to pat gently while saying "gentle hands." Then I let her try. If she doesn't touch gently, I do it again. All with a firm but nice voice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: musicmama on March 23, 2005, 06:47:27 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: kris10s on March 23, 2005, 06:41:12 PM We do high fives, and I also grab her wrist (not too hard) when she is hitting hard and show her how to pat gently while saying "gentle hands." Then I let her try. If she doesn't touch gently, I do it again. All with a firm but nice voice. I have been trying to grab and do the "gentle hands" after I see the first hit, I'm assuming he'll pick up on it sooner or later. ;) YAY! I was doing something right! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: kris10s on March 23, 2005, 06:51:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Great! It does work, but it takes time. DD sometimes (not always) will switch to gentle hands with just a verbal cue now. He's older, so he might pick it up quicker than you think! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: harmonyfarms on March 23, 2005, 06:53:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We use "pat, pat". DS is 17 mo and this has really helped. Now he uses this as a form of affection. It started (probably around 10 mo or so) with DH and I patting ds and saying "pat, pat, baby" "pat, pat, baby" Now he knows what it means. It allows to touch without hurting. Good luck! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: Quietspirit on March 23, 2005, 08:21:13 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 12 month old hits when he is happy/excited etc. It's his way of "playing" :rolleyes :lol I just take his hand gently and say "soft hands" or "gentle hands" while rubbing his hand on my cheek, arm, etc. It's kind of par for the course with this age, especially boys. Lots of energy, lots of exuberance, and no concept of self-control, if/then, etc. ;) If he's hitting when angry, then you might want to consider if it's learned behavior from a former home. :( In that case, still do the above. "Gentle hands, soft hands" while giving him language for his anger "You are mad that you can't play with that". Use lots of positive wording and quiet voices. I wasn't sure from your post if it's angry hitting or just baby excitement hitting. For the redirecting, try saying "Not for ______. Here is your ball" while substituting the acceptable toy. Or scooping him up when he is heading somewhere off-limits and playfully "flying" him to an okay area. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: Tengokujin on March 23, 2005, 10:34:11 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I agree with what everyone has been saying here, but want to add that this all takes TIME!! I have been teaching "gentle" since DS could crawl, and it takes time for it to sink in. At first he will do it as you demonstrate on the poor dog, but eventually, one day you will catch him being gentle on his own! But even then it isn't over. I guess I am trying to say that there is a LOOOONG gap between the beginning of understanding and guaranteed 100% doing it. And you can lose your mind in that LOOOONG gap :P -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: Joanne on March 24, 2005, 06:08:50 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adding one more thing to the great advice. Try using more descriptive words that explain the boundary "Sharp!" "Hot!" "Ouch!" "Mom's". It's still a no, but it's cloaked. :cool -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to redirect, and stopping hitting? Post by: musicmama on March 24, 2005, 08:00:17 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: Joanne on March 24, 2005, 06:08:50 AM Adding one more thing to the great advice. Try using more descriptive words that explain the boundary "Sharp!" "Hot!" "Ouch!" "Mom's". It's still a no, but it's cloaked. :cool Ooooh, excellent. It's more an issue NOW because we haven't put locks on the cabinets. So redirect him from the remote with "Not for Boo, that's mama's, THIS is Boo's!" Too many words?? He was in his highchair when I opened the oven last night, but I made a huge deal about it, pointing and saying "HOT" Was that okay? I do understand it will take time, honest. I just wanted to be heading in the right direction. I don't know yet if it's angry or play hitting. He DID hit my friend's daughter when she got up in his face, almost in self-defense. The last baby we had was only 4 days old when we got her, so they LOVED getting in her face, he didn't like it so much. ;) He's also pinching, but again, I'm still trying to discern if it's playful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Really need some advice Post by: gamomof2 on March 18, 2005, 12:04:14 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My kids have hit a stage where they are *constantly* bickering and arguing, annoying each other, etc. My dd gets very mad and hits her brother, and she also has started saying very unkind things to him. What is the best way to deal with this? I have heard of the book "Siblings w/o Rivalry"; is that one of the best to read? It is getting so difficult to even go anywhere, because they are constantly at each other. Especially in the car!!! :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Really need some advice Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 18, 2005, 12:15:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes--I'd recommend that book pronto! I would also work on offering them scripts for getting along and working things out, taking turns, and separating them into their own safe spaces as needed :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Really need some advice Post by: TulipMama on March 19, 2005, 02:39:28 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I agree with giving the kids scripts. One we use here is, "I don't like it when __________." Also, I've been working with my boys going through the below process. I read about it on Carol's blog (http://parentingdecisions.com/blog/2004_06.html#003001), but I believe she found it in the book Emotional Intelligence (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...=UTF8&v=glance). It's been very helpful for us, and I think it is laying the foundation for the Matthew 18 idea of going to the other person. . . (Though, with kids, I think that takes time and right now this requires a lot of help from me.) STOP Calm down. Think before you act. Say the problem. Say how you feel. Set a positive goal. Think of lots of solutions. Think ahead to the consequences. GO ahead. Try the best plan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Really need some advice Post by: cornflower on March 19, 2005, 07:10:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've found scripts to be great. I followed Crystal's advice on the old board and taught my girls to stop and say, "May I have the next turn?" I've been absolutely *floored* at the difference this one script has made in our lives! Even my 2yo will (when reminded) stop screeching "let go! let go!" and ask, "Next turn?" Learning to teach them scripts was an "A-HA!" moment for me... for some reason it'd never occured to me that I needed to teach them the words to use to interact with one another. :rolleyes :blush -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Really need some advice Post by: phermion on March 20, 2005, 09:58:11 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scripts!! :idea Thanks! We've used the idea with hospitality issues, role playing for expectations when we go out or meet new people, but why didn't I think of using them for personal interaction at home??? :shrug TulipGirl - thanks for the process you posted - I'm going to try using that for me. ;) |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: ChibiBug on May 11, 2005, 08:40:49 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My cousins were here over the past week for my gramma's memorial. One cousin has an 18 month old girl and the other has a 10 month old boy and both my cousins are gentle discipliners (neither saved..they would make awesome Christian moms!). The little girl has a serious hitting issue. Every time she would hit my cousin would take her hand and say "noooo..gentle touch." She would then SHOW her how to touch gentle. This would cause Jilly to kiss mommy and softly stroke her face. I witnessed this for a week and wondered if it would work on my 4yo...so I started trying it yesterday and it seems to be working. When he starts getting aggressive I have been saying gentle touch Alex and showing him how I would rather him touch me and he instantly settles down and touches gently (http://chunkymonkeypics.homestead.co.../jumphappy.gif) Just one area of issue that I think I may have the right idea of GBD...pleeeeease tell me I am on the right track with this!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: schoolofmom on May 11, 2005, 08:55:17 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh yes! I have been doing this with my ds since he was just 8 months old, and though he still sometimes needs reminders it's a great teaching tool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: mom2threePKs on May 12, 2005, 06:32:48 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That is great! :tu Telling children what to do works wonders as opposed to telling them what not to do. :clap The only thing I would add is that when you ds is aggressive and responds well to gentle touching, it could be a signal to you to redirect him to some kind of physical activity. Play outside, run, make an indoor obstacle course, jump over stuff, wrestle etc. :jump2 Good job Mama! Magan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: Lois on May 12, 2005, 07:37:45 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, it's amazing that my 7 month already knows how to be gentle around dh and my faces...we have been doing the "show and tell" approach as well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: PurpleButterfly on May 12, 2005, 07:47:21 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How wonderful! I agree about redirection and distraction, distraction, distraction! :grin The only thing I would suggest is eliminating the "no" - I try to save no's for as little use as possible so when I use them in an urgent situation, my child will feel alerted enough to really pay attention. I love the way you're influencing your family and making a difference. :hug And I'm sorry for the loss of your gramma. :heart :candle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: Wonder Woman on May 12, 2005, 08:14:25 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- with ds (18 months) we say "Try again. Gentle touch". And he strokes our face and kisses us. He was playing with his 18 mo friend the other day and the friend grabbed a toy and ds slapped him. Then (and he didn't know I could see him, I was in another room) he said "Oh! Dentle! Awww...." and stroke his friend's cheek and hugged him. :mrgreen Isn't GBD cool?!? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: sarahtar on May 12, 2005, 03:19:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We've had great success with "gentle touch" too except I often underestimate how literal my DS is. He was hitting the fish tank and so I started the gentle touch with that - and would take his little hand and stroke the glass with it. Now apparently he thinks gentle touch means the stroking action. And so will sometimes smack his hand on whatever he's going to touch gently, then stroke down, when I say gentle touch. SMACK, stroke, SMACK, stroke. Just a reminder that our kids don't have the capacity for abstract thought... :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: chelsea on May 12, 2005, 11:57:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Gentle touches" work great for us too! Quote Now apparently he thinks gentle touch means the stroking action. And so will sometimes smack his hand on whatever he's going to touch gently, then stroke down, when I say gentle touch. SMACK, stroke, SMACK, stroke. Sounds like my 17-month-old who colors all over his skin with pen and says "Uh-oh!" the whole time he's doing it! :rolleyes :lol -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: No..Touch Gentle!!!! Post by: Tulip_Plus_3 on May 13, 2005, 02:56:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'vve been working on this with my sweeties. I avoid using the word no, though, because I don't want that word to lose it's meaning. My son, in particular, needs frequent reminders to be gentle with me. I know he's just trying to be affectionate, but getting a Three Stooges poke in the eye does not make me feel warm & loving. Usually I just have to give him a soft reminder to "Be gentle with Mommy" and a little demonstration how I want him to touch me. Then he'll smile at me and be such a sweetie. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Hitting the pillow Post by: akmyilee on May 24, 2005, 06:12:59 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, so how do you feel about this as a way to deal with Anger? Kyle (3yo) has been hitting ALOT lately and he has in turn hit me 2X and dh once. We went round and round last night about it. I have told him that he has to hit the pillow if he is angry or go sit onthe stairs. The stairs are kinda a timeout but I usualy sit with him until he can talk to me about what just happened. Last night when it happend I was in the middle of fixing dinner so he had to sit on the stairs til I was at least to a stoping point and I could go to him, it was not more than 5 minutes. I am sure there where other ways that this could have been handled but I surely couldn't think of any better ones in the moment. Any ideas? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: momjis22 on May 24, 2005, 10:09:29 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well, i am facing the same situation.my dd is almost 3 and picked up hitting from pre-school!!!! :hissyfit. now she does it every time we say a "no" to anything.! I am trying to be patient with her...but sometimes I just loose it. I keep telling her "no hitting, thats bad behaviour" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 24, 2005, 10:10:51 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would take out the stairs. They aren't flowing with what you're trying to teach him which is appropriate ways to express his anger. Hitting the pillow is great (though, yes, in some children it can increase physical aggression, in most it seems to provide a safe and healthy outlet). When he's hitting I'd immediately tell him, "Hitting hurts. Do not hit me/daddy/friend/etc. If you need to hit you need to hit the pillow." Then I'd keep saying, "Hit pillows, not people" and help him hit the pillow. If he is totally over the top then it might be time to take a break and come back when he's ready to be kind with his hands, but it sounds like he's still learning the concept and needs more help being successful at it. I think "you hit, you sit" is a great rule after your child knows how to control the hitting urge and has been taught the tools of redirection, etc. Teach before you correct :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: akmyilee on May 24, 2005, 10:22:42 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think that he understands the concept he just doesn't have the selfcontrol, which is understandable........We have talked about how it is ok to be angry but it isn't ok to be mean to others. I think the pillow thing is working, only when I am in the middle of something else, as in feeding ellie, talking on the phone, fixing dinner. Should all action cease and focus on him until he gets himself under control..........I think this is my hang up with timeout, it gives him the chance to get control with out having to stop all other family activity. Maybe what I am going toward is a comfort corner type of thing? but how does it not become time out? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 24, 2005, 10:36:07 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- does stopping the behavior really signify having regained self control at hist age? or has he stuffed the frustration and it's just going to come back out at another time? When he's done taking his break (and I would definately recommend CC over TO--have you read the sticky in this forum about it?) does he come back and talk to you about what was happening? How does he return to you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: canadiyank on May 24, 2005, 10:40:23 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have read that using large muscles groups helps with diffusing anger vs. hitting a pillow but I've never put it into practice, LOL. eg, stomping feet, dancing, running outside... Also, a good book I'm reading on the subject (and where I got the above ideas ;) ) is: Dealing With Disappointment by Elizabeth Crary... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: akmyilee on May 24, 2005, 10:52:18 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ok, about stopping the behavior, I don't think I was clear, I mean should I have to stop what I am doing because of his lack of seft control? I honestly don't know? I definatly don't want to have a "stuff the frustration" kind of thing.....that is why I say "you can be angry but you can't be mean" and have him hit a pillow. I would like him to express the anger but what is an acceptable way of doing that? and when I am sure that he expresses the anger in an unacceptable way how do I teach him to do it an acceptable way. As far as how he returns to me, he comes to me and says "I am ready to talk now" sometimes he is ready to talk before I am, as in I don't have control yet, I don't know what to do there either. We go over how it hurts mommy or who ever when he is mean and that it isn't ok, he has to tell me that he is angry or upset or sad in big boy words (we have a whining issue as well). I guess what I don't understand about the CC is how it is differnt from TO IF it is only a place to calm down and isn't a punishment........as in the child has control of when and how long and what he does there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting the pillow Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 24, 2005, 04:35:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I mean should I have to stop what I am doing because of his lack of seft control? Yes. Or live with the results of his lack of self control. It's great when there are times that you can tap into enough self control in them to at least distract them or get them to do something else, but when they lose it then, yes, you need to either help them or endure it. Any method of parenting/discipline would require that you get up and engage with them. The CC is different from a TO in a few important ways: presence of comfort objects child determines how long they stay not isolated goal to learn how to regroup, feel good, calm down I'm not opposed to pure "take a break" times, but if there is a time limit or a "wait for me" or isolation then it's not teaching a true life skill -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Help me weather the NONSTOP HITTING STORM...OH YEAH, IT'S BAD Post by: reneandbaby on May 23, 2005, 05:40:43 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let me preface by saying Elijah has always been high need with a VERY VERY intense personality. :hissyfit :hissyfit come very frequently to him because he has intense emotional reactions to every little thing throughout the day. This is a personality trait of his that we need to actively work with. :) He will be fourteen months in a week and a half. Since month 12, he has been a hitter. For the past month, he has been a HUGE, NONSTOP hitter. Especially when frustrated. He hits everything and everyone within his path. When there is no one in his path, but he is frustrated, he will SEEK someone out to hit them. Let me give a few examples: he was playing with his large lego toy. He was trying to put two of the blocks together and was having huge difficulty. He would scream and arch his back and throw the block when he couldn't place them together. I was making breakfast and had an eye on him. He ran up to me after throwing the block to hit me repeatedly. (My reaction was to tell him "ouch! That hurt's mama! We do gentle touches! and make him touch me gently. I then placed the blocks out of reach and view for a while) This afternoon, he was playing with a bottle and I was sitting on the ground playing with him. It was clear he wanted me to do *something* with the bottle, but I haven't the slightest clue what. He attempted to hit me repeatedly each time he held out the bottle. (I stopped him from hitting me and told him "Remember, we do gentle touches to mama! Hitting hurts! And put the bottle away) About fifteen minutes later, he wanted to sit in my lap. He climbed in my lap but was clearly displeased by something and kept hitting my arm and face. (I got up and placed him down and said "Gentle touches for mama.) This weekend when we were at the mall, he ran around trying to hit anyone who came in a twenty foot radius of him. He was standing in an aisle of the store just looking at the lights. There was a family all the way down the other end of the aisle and he started running in that direction. I just assumed he was wandering around the store. But he wasn't. As soon as he got to that family he had grabbed hold of the mother's pant leg and hit her (I was one step behind him...but I just didn't anticipate he was going to hit them, I thought he was trying to walk around them). As soon as he spied someone, he was up there attempting to hit them. He's so fast, and a lot times it is so unexpected and out of the blue, that a lot of times he does in fact hit, even though I am right there six inches away. He is constantly running around our house trying to find the dog and give him a few whacks. It's random throughout the day. I have basically removed him from a lot of situations in which he would have contact with other people, to minimize the amount of hitting or aggressive behavior he can display. Any time I see that he is about to hit I stop him and redirect him to gentler touches. Just in the past day I have realized he probably also needs an outlet of something that is acceptable to hit. I gave him a pillow and we're redirecting hitting to the pillow, but that usually engenders a huge meltdown because he doesn't want me touching his hands. The only thing we have had a moderate amount of success with, is once he starts hitting and hitting, I pull him until he is directly facing me and I grab his arms and shake them while saying "OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Elijah is SOOOOOOO mad, he just needs to do a mad dance!!!!" and I shake his arms really vigorously. Sometimes he goes for it, but a lot of times he gets upset. What are some great ways to set him up for maximum success with this? Should I be keeping him away from other people until we can get this under control? How long can this stage last even with active teaching away from hitting? Does anyone else have any other tips besides the above? Any tweeking of my technique? I really feel like we are going to be in this trench for a long time. He is so intense and combined with poor impulse control and a very short frustration fuse, a lack of an ability to communicate verbally..... he hits or attempts to hit at least fifty to sixty times in a typical day. Is there a point in which this type of aggressiveness becomes outside the realm of normal toddler behavior? :-) Rene P.S. On a wonderfully encouraging note, I think my husband now understands the paradigm shift to GBD. When his parents were asking him on the phone how we were punishing Elijah for his hitting, my husband's response was "What's the point of trying to punish him? We're really not interested in punishing, what we want to do is teach him how not to hit, not waste precious time and energy on punishments that do nothing." I was so proud him. :heart :heart :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help me weather the NONSTOP HITTING STORM...OH YEAH, IT'S BAD Post by: heartofjoy on May 23, 2005, 06:11:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What a cool dh!!! :tu :highfive I think you are doing great with the hitting! Keep it up! Hopefully it will get better sooner than you think! :tu -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help me weather the NONSTOP HITTING STORM...OH YEAH, IT'S BAD Post by: jujubnme on May 23, 2005, 07:09:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :hug This is such a tough age. There is so much frustration, especially over communication issues. Have you tried/had any success with signing? For example, we taught Julius to use the sign for help when he was getting super frustrated with doing something. Even little improvements in communication seemed to go a long way in reducing the frustration levels. For happy, just-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-energy kind of hits, teaching high fives helped. Otherwise, it sounds like you're on the right track. It just will take some time. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 07:47:42 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I read in another thread about if a child hits someone, to have them sit on the couch(or wherever) until they can behave nicely toward their sibling/whoever they hit. What do you do when they WILL NOT sit? Do you hold them there? Sit on them?(only half-kidding--my ds is very hard for me to physically control with my pg belly. He's very strong and gets away if I don't use all I have to hold him) And a similar question on the Comfort Corner--say a child is just generally not acting nice(picking at his brother, intentionally running trucks into the walls when asked not to, etc). Is that when I 'should' send him to the Comfort corner? And what if he WON'T go? How do you "make" him go there and have it not be punitive? And kinda along these lines again...what is your response when you ask your dc to do something/not to do something and they say "NO! I WON'T do that!"? BTW, I am asking these questions in reference to my 4yo ds. I also have a 2yo ds and am due anyday with bb3. I realize that the coming changes are most likely adding to the stress/misbehavior, but I am looking for ways to deal with all this BEFORE my time is more limited at the computer to do 'research'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 08:02:55 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: BetsyPage on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right? :think I guess my quandry is what to do with the other child when sitting with the child in the comfort corner. I am afraid that if when ds1 is acting out and then gets to sit in the Comfort Corner with Mommy, that it would be perceived as a reward for his misbehavior and then he would act out more in order for me to sit alone with him. Does that even make sense? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 08:13:09 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That does make sense. I'll be interested to hear "btdt" responses to your questions. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 30, 2005, 10:18:41 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well you're coming at these tools from a punitive perspective. There is no power struggle attached to them--no *forcing* them to sit or having to deal with defiant *NO* :shrug When we instituted the You hit, you sit rule I sat my children down at a time everyone was getting along. I explained that there was too much aggression, which I understood because of all the changes we'd gone through, but the hitting and hurting needed to stop. I told them that they weren't thinking right *in the moment* and they needed to take a break and collect themselves so they could make better choices. So, from now on, when you're being aggressive--hitting or hurting in any way--I will tell you it's time to sit on the couch and take a break. The first day or two I had to move them a few times to the couch, and even sit with them a couple of times, but after that they went on their own. If they protested I assured them I would listen to them after they had taken a break and calmed down--that they weren't making any sense when they were that upset. And I did listen to them--sometimes helping them resolve the issue, sometimes helping them rethink it, sometimes stepping in and changing something that was not working well. When you're on the same side it's a totally different dynamic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners Post by: greenemama on May 31, 2005, 05:38:19 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i had the same problem -- taking henry (3) to the comfort corner after hitting jude (almost 1) but having jude needing comfort and henry still batting at him and jude crying more. so. i did something similar to what crystal does. i told him at a calm time that if he hits or hurts he will need to go and "take a break." normally this is by himself so that i can attend to the baby. if henry has hit me then i sit with him, normally, and it's more like the comfort corner. i guess i use the comfort corner more for meltdowns and freak-outs rather than for hitting. you hit you sit is more instant -- there's a chair here, a couch, a bench, a step, whatever is close so that he is instantly taking a break so that i can help the baby. he does tell me now, "i don't want to take a break!" and i tell him, "you need to take a break, i will help you" and help him over there. he's not obstinate about sitting normally -- sometimes he'll stand up and look at me like, "i'm standing now!" and i move towards him and he sits down so that he doesn't have to have help. :rolleyes i don't know what i'd do if he were stressing out and refusing to sit. i guess i'd be thinking it wasn't about the hitting anymore, more of a meltdown, and may move to try things like the bear hug. :hugheart it's hard! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: 1 YO hitting me Post by: sarahtar on June 05, 2005, 03:46:55 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 13 month old hits me when he doesn't get his way. What's a good GBD way to deal with this? Thus far, I've been "helping" him stop hitting me by trying to get him distracted with something else or with physically restraining his hands. He finds it funny when hitting me gets me angry and when I restrain his hands like that. It's not always possible to distract him with something else. example: today, he was tired and I had him in the wrap and we were walking at the mall. He started to get fussy and squirm to get down. I did not let him down. So he hit me. I asked him to use gentle touching with mama, showed him how. He hit me again. I held back his hand to keep him from doing it again, so he flung his head into my chin. At this point, I took him out of the wrap and put him on my back so he at least couldn't hit my face. But he hits a LOT. And he hits other children, too. Sometimes he hits just to see what will happen - he was hitting my sister who is visiting us for the weekend - he would hit her, then sit back and look up at her face to see what she was going to do about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me Post by: AmyDoll on June 05, 2005, 07:06:16 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Sam wants to hit - we have a big ottoman in the family room that he's allowed to hit or he may bang a drum. Having things he's allowed to hit has really helped to calm the hitting storm! I help him touch me and say "nice" "gentle" and I remind him when we're in situations where he might be tempted. He likes to hit my mom's dogs :shrug so I remind him. Or if he looks like he's getting ready to bean a friend - "friends are for hugging!" or just "Gentle" HTH Amy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me Post by: greenemama on June 05, 2005, 09:00:39 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i think that boys need to hit in general. maybe all kids? :shrug anyway, when jude (one tomorrow!!) hits and i react or anyone reacts he thinks it's funny -- for him it's more the reaction than the actual hitting. i tell him gentle hands and show him how to be gentle and if he continues to hurt (sometimes it's pinching) i put him down and say, "gentle touches, jude" and i give him gentle touches, etc. putting him down has really helped us with the nursing/biting thing. he's totally heartbroken when i stop nursing and put him down. i mean, he's horrified. i pick him back up (almost immediately) and he nurses gently and i praise him for it, etc. sometimes putting him down for hitting helps him, other times i don't think he's equating the two at all. :shrug :hug it's hard when you don't know what to do! it's pretty much a trial and error sort of thing with babes this age. :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me Post by: Joanne on June 06, 2005, 07:28:36 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
When you are able, walk away from him when he hits. When he hits others, stop him and teach him how to ask for a turn, some space, or whatever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me Post by: sarahtar on June 06, 2005, 09:20:10 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He does get plenty of opportunity to hit in appropriate ways. He has a "drum" (it's really an old 5-gallon popcorn tin) and several toys that encourage pounding (a workbench with a hammer and some sort of pounding balls into holes toy). He knows he can hit the cushions on the furniture, and he can hit the sides of the file cabinets in my office (they make a very satisfactory bang). Perhaps when he gets angry and we're home or somewhere else where it would be appropriate, I should show him to hit those things *instead* of mama. (He just seems to want to hit me when we're not somewhere with something appropriate for him to hit, though!) Joanne, you make a good point. When he's angry, he doesn't feel like being gentle and I would probably only get angrier if someone told me to chill out and be nice when I'm feeling angry or grouchy...duh moment here! :doh I'll save the "gentle touching" for when he's hitting just to see what happens. Amy - we visited my sister last weekend, who has two dogs. He was afraid of them on our last visit, but warmed up to them significantly this visit. By the conclusion of our visit, he was hitting them, too. But it was more like - "hmm.... I know I can pat the dog and I know I can touch his nose. What happens if I grab a handful of skin? What if I hit him on the back? On the face? What if I pull his tail? Can I use him as a stepstool?" It was cute, but still inappropriate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me Post by: ellies mom on June 06, 2005, 01:51:51 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you live close to your sister (or someone else with patient pets), that may be a good way to learn "gentle touching". He isn't hitting the dogs because he is angry, but he is hitting because he is "experimenting". We have two cats, so DD has always been shown "gentle touches". She is pretty good at it now, but I never leave her alone with them, nor would I suggest getting a pet just to practice. If the opportunity arises though, I'd be right there with him showing how to touch gently. Since he really wants to touch the dogs, it is a good time to teach him. Like I said, however, they need to be good patient dogs that you feel comfortable having him around. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Augh! Stop hitting the baby! Post by: Eowyn on June 04, 2005, 12:35:38 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ian's 22 months, and Henry's just a few days shy of 2 months. Ian is usually gentle with him, but there are occasions when he wants attention, and wants it now. On those occasions, he hits Henry. It doesn't matter where he is, he'll walk up, lean in to give him a kiss (or so I think), then whack him. He'll hit him in my arms, in the bouncy, or on the couch or bed. I'd like to give him the attention, but I do not want to reward the behavior. I with him and read to him when it's just him and me, but that isn't often since Henry likes to be held all of the time, and they're on opposite nap schedules. He wants my undivided attention, and that's just not often possible right now. :( Wall-time (a la Love and Logic) results in screaming, and I feel it's the wrong consequence for him. What can I do to encourage him to stop smacking the baby and get my attention another way? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby! Post by: purplerose on June 04, 2005, 10:41:03 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When my DD used to do this (she was 17 mos old when DS was born), I don't think she was doing it to be mean, she was just frustrated. So, I just gently told her..."no no sweetie, we touch the baby gentle" and then took her hand and showed her how to be gentle. It took a while, but she got it. HTH :pray -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby! Post by: Miranda on June 04, 2005, 10:49:33 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can you catch his arm before it lands on the baby? And gently but sternly say " no we be gentle to our new baby" and encourage him to come kiss the baby on the head or something. My 2 youngest are 22 months apart and I do alot of " The baby sure thinks your a great big sister" ect... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby! Post by: gratefulmama on June 04, 2005, 02:09:26 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my son does the same thing, he is bored and starts out just talking to his sister and then it's like his impulses just take over and he gives her a little WHAP right on the head! He is getting better as we always stress " We don't hit, gentle touches" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby! Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 06, 2005, 12:33:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are definately stuck in a punitive paradigm :( Give him as much attention as you can--he has a very real need and he didn't ask for the situation to change. I'd talk to him about how it's okay to sometimes love the baby and sometimes not love the baby; to sometimes like the baby and to sometimes hate the baby--these are very real and valid feelings. It is never okay to hurt the baby! Wall time isn't going to work because it's increasing the separation when you need to be increasing the connection. And you definately need to find ways to give him the attention you can, and find times to give him undivided attention :) That's not rewarding bad behavior--that's meeting the need that caused the bad behavior. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby! Post by: Eowyn on June 07, 2005, 03:47:05 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that for the most part, the hitting has been a phase. It's decreased dramatically over the last few days. We had been doing a lot of encouraging gentle touches from the get go, and I made attempts to read to Ian (he's not a fan of sitting for more than a few minutes) or play a game with him when I'm nursing the baby, but I got really frustrated when it felt like I wasn't getting any results, and I hated seeing one of my babies hurt the other--wall time was me (and DH) thoroughly out of patience with the situation. Ian has also undergone a growth spurt in his verbal skills and comprehension. It's amazing to me how in just a day or two he's speaking so much more, and understanding so much more. I think that's helped with the hitting, too. I thought I might set up a beanbag with a few books, and some squishy balls and things that he can throw and hit instead of Henry, when he feels really upset and wants to hit, and perhaps suggesting to him that he sit in his bean bag or by me, and I'll give him as much attention as I can when Henry's done eating (how can I phrase that so an almost two year old will understand it), and as much as I can for now. Is this a good idea? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 12, 2005, 09:38:06 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I really don't know what to do. Whenever my child gets mad or whenever someone comes up to talk to her and she doesn't want them to, she hits. It is very embarassing and I don't know how to get her to stop. This has been going on for quite some time, so I don't believe it is just a passing phase. I have tried everything, including hand smacking, spanking and time outs. :( Usually, I just hold her hand down and say no, no hitting, but that just makes her angry and hit more. I've tried teaching her to "touch gently" to no avail. I'm really sad about her agressive behavior. She hits other children, too, and I really hate it. Can someone give me some advice on what to do about this? It seems like I've tried everything and it's just not working. Please help. Thanks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: fatfishes on June 13, 2005, 05:21:27 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HI . I thought f a cuple of things.It takes consistency for anything to work,keep working with the touch gently approach..If she hits out hold her hands and repeat no hitting.The hand tapping/spanking will not have helped,but I am sure you know that. :hug If it is an adult,step in first ,explain she finds meeting people difficult.Some adults are so tactless with children,they just rush in pick them up or demand a conversation in a way they would never treat another adult.Let her make the first move. With children be watchful,you will notice the frustration build up.INTERVENE THEN If she hits ,you make a big fuss of the wounded one,then repeat the message no hitting. My eldest was a hitter [and biter].We didnt use GBD then.But I believe she is not a group person.She likes her own space and I was always out and about with her .She coped better when I gave up some of our playdates,outings and toddler groups.Now she is a confident,very socialable 14 Yo. Finally be on her side.Believe she is a friendly being. Hang in there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 13, 2005, 12:17:15 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's going to make it stop is really just her maturing and gaining better self control. In the meantime there are ways to be teaching her so that as she matures out of this stage she leaves the hitting behind :) Supervise Supervise Supervise! When children are in a stage like this (and it is a stage--just not a short one with all children ;) ) they need close and constant supervision. This is the age when you follow them around the playground and don't always get to engage in the adult conversations :/ If they move to hit stop them--gently but firmly grab her arm and say, "No hitting. Hitting hurts" and them move her away. Teach angry dances, angry songs, ask her to draw angry pictures, give her a punching pillow that she may hit. Offer it every time she moves to hit. You can institute a "hurt and go" policy where you leave as soon as she hurts someone. And realize that this is very common! It's an immature expression of very real big feelings. As she gets older and more verbal and can use some of the other tools that you're working on teaching her, she will :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 13, 2005, 12:24:44 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate them. It's just so hard-and frustrating-especially when she hits another adult. One poster's right, though, a lot of people will just come right up to her and get in her face or try to take her and it just freaks her out and she hits. Same with another child that gets too close to her. She just needs her space, I guess. But, I still want her to learn that hitting is mean and hurts people's feelings. I guess I will just keep doing what I'm doing and be consistent with it. I do give sympathy to the one she hit, but it doesn't seem to make a difference yet. I do try to supervise her closely, but I really need to be better with it, so I can intercept right away. Usually, if she won't stop hitting, I'll take her to another room for some time out. Not a "time out" time out, but just some quiet time to settle down. Again, thanks for your help. :) I can't wait until the day that she communicates better leaves the hitting behind!! :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 13, 2005, 12:33:24 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I still want her to learn that hitting is mean and hurts people's feelings. May I suggest a different message to give her? I'd suggest changing the message you want her to learn to being: "Words are how we tell people how we feel and set boundaries." "mean" is a very vague word and is very loaded with emotion. Rather than "nice" or "mean" I focus on teaching "gentle" and pointing out when something isn't gentle. You can actually teach gentle. And I'd focus more on hitting hurting bodies than feelings ;) I try very hard to not suggest my children are responsible for other people's feelings--but they are responsible for not hurting their bodies :) After your last post I think it sounds like your dd has some fantastic boundaries and needs to be taught how to set them :) I'd emphasize words like, "Say, 'I need space!'" And I'd suggest speaking for her to people when she starts to hit, "OH, she's saying, 'Please give me space!' She needs you to move back and not be so close to her." This models for her what she will need to say to get people to back off and as she gets more verbal she'll use the words she's heard you saying. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: Joanne on June 13, 2005, 01:53:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To reiterate what is being said, I think your dd needs some affirmation and coaching. Affirmation on the fact that her desire for space is legitamite and coaching on how to assert that space appropriately. Practice! Role play. Practice being an adult approaching her and teach her to stop you with words instead of her body. Practice being a child and the same thing. Have her practice with stuffed animals and dolls. And speak for her. "My dd needs some time and space to get used to you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 13, 2005, 08:52:55 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok. Thanks again for the advice. I'll try really hard to use it! Also, it helps me feel better just knowing others understand what I'm going through and are willing to offer the advice. Again, it is appreciated very much! Although someone being too close to her causes a lot of the hitting, it doesn't cause all-sometimes she's just angry because she was told no, etc. I'll try teaching her other ways of communicating to others that she needs her space. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: jujubnme on June 13, 2005, 09:01:56 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: Sweet Baby 03 on June 13, 2005, 08:52:55 PM Although someone being too close to her causes a lot of the hitting, it doesn't cause all-sometimes she's just angry because she was told no, etc. I'll try teaching her other ways of communicating to others that she needs her space. I think the key is to help her communicate whatever she's feeling in a different way than hitting. So if someone is getting too close, you teach her to tell them she needs her space. If she's angry, you can help her use her words for that and give her some other outlets for expressing her anger if needed. At this age hitting is often just an immature way of communicating. As she learns more and more other ways to communicate, the reflex to hit will lessen. It does take time, though. :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child! Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 14, 2005, 07:43:22 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Yes. Time and patience. :sigh: :) :hug |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Hitting, pushing again Post by: Allison on June 12, 2005, 04:59:59 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think I posted in HN that my oldest had spent time at his g-ma's and come back with bad habits that his cousin does often. Namely hitting and pushing. I was handling it at first, it was only happening about once per day until the last couple of days. Drew doesn't normally hit anymore--anyone other than his brother, that is. It is really making me angry. This is what he does: hitting or pushing his brother if his brother tries to take a toy for example. I've told him that if Alex is bothering him, he should ask him to stop and then come get me if Alex doesn't stop. That was working until he went away last week. Now he cannot remember to ask Alex to stop. He just goes straight to pushing or hitting. I tell him no hitting, hitting hurts, but that doesn't seem to work anymore. Another thing he'll do is to walk closely to Alex and bump into him so that he makes him fall. He's so sneaky about it. But this happens a lot. I am at a loss on what to tell him other than he isn't being kind to his brother when he does that and explain that he hurts Alex. It just doesn't seem to be doing any good. I watch them as closely as possible, but I simply cannot watch them every second of the day. It's not fair to Alex to not be able to play in Drew's room with him and I can't keep them seperated all day. I do my best, but the truth is that I feel Drew needs some consequences when he does this. He knows it's not right. When I'm explaining why yet again, he giggles or screams depending on if it thought I was watching him or not. I've tried telling him that he can't be around us if he isn't going to be kind, but he just screams and cries and repeats the behaviour when he's around us again. Help! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, pushing again Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 12, 2005, 12:12:58 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If I'm reading correctly it's your 4yo who is pushing? This isn't totally un-age expected--which, I know, doesn't make it more pleasant :hug One rule I instituted when we were dealing with this in our home was this: 1) use your words 2) if your words are used then mommy will make sure the boundary is enforced if you get her 3) if you aren't sure what to do, get mommy first and mommy will remind you to use your words ;) but will be with you to help you do it 4) if you forget to use your words and hurt someone you lose whatever you were trying to protect. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, pushing again Post by: fatfishes on June 12, 2005, 12:38:43 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that is hepful -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, pushing again Post by: Allison on June 12, 2005, 12:53:46 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crystal, thank you so much! We were all laying in bed this morning after I posted this and Alex was doing something that annoyed Drew and Drew was about to kick at him, but I was right there to intervene (and things usually go well if I am, of course!) and we talked about my expectations for him when he considers Alex to be bothering him. I asked him what he needed to do if Alex bothered him. He replied that he should ask him to stop. And I said, "but what if he won't stop?" And Drew said, "I'll go get you and daddy and you will help him stop!" So, he understands, but he doesn't have the impulse control when I'm not right there to say, "Use your words!" Or he kind of likes the reaction the he gets from the his little brother. I've never taken the object he was protecting away from him when he hurts Alex. I think this is where I lean to the permissive side of things. :-\ I'm learning! Thanks, again, Crystal! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: DD smacking me. HELP. Post by: BabyHopes on June 18, 2005, 06:09:44 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My daughter and I have entered new territory. DD is 18 months, and up until now I've felt pretty good about keeping my cool when it comes to discipline/redirecting/guiding/etc... However, she's started this new thing that is driving me crazy. It began pretty innocently. As we would nurse she would thump her free hand against my chest. It got to the point that it actually would hurt. To put a stop to it I would explain to her "Please use soft touches. That hurts Mommy." And she'd do it again. So I'd say, "Mommy is done nursing right now. If you want to nurse, come back when you can nurse gently." And I'd unlatch her and put her down. Often she'd react in hysterics, tantrum-fashion crying and rolling on the floor. We are still doing this. Usually at least twice a day. BUT to top that, she has started "thumping" (or as I see it "hitting") me whenever she's angry or upset. She doesn't do it to her Dad, and I've never seen her do it to anyone else but me. At first when she'd take a swing, she'd direct it at my chest. But now she's started trying to smack me in my face! I'll be honest, it makes me angry. Really angry. To the point that I've had to set her down and, much like a PP said on another thread, lock my fingers behind my back for fear of hauling off and smacking her back. :( My question/concern is two fold: 1st) My reaction to her hitting me is starteling abrupt and intense. It's the one time that I seriously want to throw all caution to the wind and pick up from my roots and start spanking. (I was spanked as a child, but this is the first time I have even FELT like spanking DD.) I know part of it is pregnancy. I can remember feeling incredibly irritable and irrational when I was pregnant with DD. Those feelings are back. I don't feel like I have the buffer for my emotions that I had prior to pregnancy. I seriously need help in my toolbox for how to handle my upset feelings. 2nd) My daughters hitting/thumping is getting worse, not better. To the point that she does it completely reactionary. For instance last night IN HER SLEEP dd reached out to smack me when I unlatched her from nursing. I really need to know what to do. I don't have a comfy corner set up. (Just got done reading that thread.) I have tried traditional time outs. (Sit in chair for one minute.) And surprise, surprise, that isn't working. :rolleyes Although, I'll be honest sometimes that one minute is all that is helping me maintain a shred of the GBD that I normally practice. I seriously need suggestions. Soon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD smacking me. HELP. Post by: OpalsMom on June 18, 2005, 08:46:51 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm the only person DD bites. :mad But I've managed to get it down so she only does it in desperation, maybe once a month (like the day we were at the Dr's for an hour and a half *and* she got shots *and* it was past lunch time *and* it was nap time), and I've almost gotten her over the new face-mangling trick she thought up (grabbing my face and pulling/scratching). The main things I do differently from you are: 1) I don't say "please". Not hurting me is not optional! I say "No biting people. Biting hurts." or "Gentle! Touch mama gently." 2) I don't give second chances for unacceptable behavior. You bite me or scratch me, I go away immediately. She learned this while nursing a long time ago, and doesn't try real violence then, so I usually end up saying "I don't play with people who bite/scratch/pull my glasses off". The only problem with this is that she now tries it when she's hoping I'll put her down and walk away (in a store, for instance). I end up holding her as boringly a possible. 3) If I put her down, I don't say "I'm done nursing". I say "I don't nurse babies who bite me." She did used to thump me while nursing -- just hard enough to be annoying without being hard enough to make me latch her off. I just held her hand. But that was only because she was gentle about it. One thing that helps for some babies is to give them warnings before you unlatch them. I tried counting down with Opal, hoping she'd object less if it wasn't a surprise --- I know there are people this works for. Now, if I start to count while she's nursing, she sucks harder and flails one hand at me while trying to protect her latch with the other :doh So we go with surprising, it's less traumatic for everybody. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD smacking me. HELP. Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 18, 2005, 05:10:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would encourage you to begin holding her hand--gently but firmly when you nurse her. Rub her hands, play with her fingers, keep her hand occupied. If she hits you I'd say simply, "I will not allow you to hit me" while you hold her hand--or even "No hitting. Hitting hurts" and then move her away from you or you away from her. If she indicates she wants back up, pick her up, but put her down as soon as she even tries to hit. Eventually she will stop. In addition, though, teach her what *TO* do. "No hitting. Sign 'all done'" (with whatever sign you want her to use) or "No hitting. Just get down." hth and please know this isn't abnormal, even though it's unacceptable -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD smacking me. HELP. Post by: BabyHopes on June 19, 2005, 01:18:40 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I really appreciate the feedback. Am definately going to have to work at holding DD's hand while we nurse. Although, for 18 months now my 'free' hand has usually supported my breast while she nurses... this is going to be an adjustment. The whole 'thumping while nursing' thing started out pretty innocently. She'd gently pat my chest or stroke my shirt collar while she nursed. Only recently she's tested the limits of how hard she can 'pat.' Hense the thumping. I don't mind the gentle pats, or the collar stroking... it's the grey area between that and hard thumps that I am having a hard time figuring out how to work with. I mean, do I stop ALL patting? For instance one pat will be soft and gentle, the next sorta harder. To where my brain say's, "Whoa, she's getting a bit rough." And in mid-thought the NEXT thump will be a definate whack against my chest. However, not always does her soft patting get rough... Ugh. I am talking myself in circles. Just going to have to learn to hold her hand. However, how does all this translate to her hitting me during non nursing times? Maybe the two aren't related? It just frustrates me that now when I go to redirect her from an activity that's "not for DD" (Such as punching the "off" button on the computer, or getting her down off of the table after she's climbed up the chairs and made her way to the top) she often reacts by taking a swipe at my face with her hand. Mind you, this doesn't happen ALL the time. It just really bothers me when it does happen. How do I help an 18 month old express her frustration and anger without allowing her to be abusive in the process? Then there are the totally abritrary times when I don't see an actual reason why she's doing it. For instance, I'll be holding her as we walk and she'll look at me. Raise her arm back and try to hit me in the face! I swear she's testing me to see how far she's allowed to go! In cases where I see it coming I have held on to her arm (which usually means then grabbing the other arm as well because it's on it's way up to do the hitting the first arm is no longer able to.) I've also tried tickling her, which often works and distracts her. I do wonder, though, if I am starting a bad habit type game in which she tries to get away with hitting and we end up just tickling each other. Does that make sense, at all? *sigh* I guess I just need to really start learning about the toddler years. Up until this point she's just been so 'baby' if KWIM? I haven't done a lot of reading on how to deal with toddler type behaviors. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD smacking me. HELP. Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 20, 2005, 12:09:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manda--first I love the chart in your sig line :heart Second, I would take her hand after all gentle touches and say "thank you for the gentle touch. Now you need to stop touching." there was a period of time where if Liam sat in my lap at the computer he would, within 5 minutes, be climbing onto my head :eek I had to stop letting him sit in my lap because I knew where it would lead. That's part of being proactive :tu |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: amytug on June 14, 2005, 09:14:50 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- kara has just started this thing where we will be nicely getting over something dramatic in our day ( discipline) and she will kindof walk in a circle like she has no clue what to do w/ herself, an then hit me. like a light slap, but that' snot the point. I am disapointed. I'm sure this is because this is what I've been doing lately, but I dont know. she has also been doing it to her sister. she was never a hitter.. I need to know something to do quickly. I dont know if iw anna HUG her fort his, I'm afraid that might be reinforcing the hitting? Am I wrong ya think? what should I do immediately after htis happens? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: salt_light on June 14, 2005, 09:44:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know, but maybe a quick, "hey honey, we don't hit." In a nice voice, maybe gently take her hand or rub her back real quick to demonstrate her "nice" touches. I'm really big on using touch as a way of connecting or affirming though. HTH -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: crunchymum on June 14, 2005, 10:43:36 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I don't know, but maybe a quick, "hey honey, we don't hit." see, the prob with this is, right now you *do* hit... :( you're right, she's probably modeling your behavior. (and truly i say this in the most loving, btdt way!) :hug ds is almost 3. he's alot more verbal than he used to be, but he still can't communicate everything in his brain, so he hits. age appropriate, i believe, but as crystal always says, *not* appropriate, kwim? we're working on this. when i first stopped spanking dd, it was hard for me to get out of the habit. i slipped up alot. :blush one day i sat down with her and said "e, mama is so sorry for hitting you. hitting is never ok. hitting hurts. we are going to try really hard to only use gentle touches in this family...." something like that. in a sense, i was bringing dd in on it, to help me stay accountable. i made mistakes after that day, and it broke my heat when she would remind me of our talk " mama, why did you hit me? we only use gentle touches!" :bheart but it slowly got into my thick brain.... anyway, that was kind of OT... :rolleyes i don;t think you have to be all lovey dovey "oh honey that's ok that you hit"..... "hitting hurts. it's not ok to hit. you feel angry/sad/bad about x. you may hit a pillow or the couch, you may stomp your feet (do an angry dance, whatever) but you may not hit people." with ds, i usually say"hitting hurts! are you sorry you hit?" i wait for him to respond. if he says yes, i ask him to make it right. right now that looks like him giving gentle touches or a hug, if the person wants it. i think some have implemented "you hit, you sit", but i haven't figured out how to use that non-punitively.... maybe someone else will have better advice on that.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: J3K on June 15, 2005, 06:24:39 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My my kids all started the hitting mom routine , and each did at one point.... all it took was a calm gentle talk from their Dad. He said " when I leave at the beginning of the day I expect you will help to take care of my wife and not hurt her. I want to know I'm leaving her in good kind hands. With kids who will treat her properly. " I think the switch from "your mom" to "my wife" is what helped. and then he'd talk with me...."honey I don't know what you expect from them. They see the course of action you take when you are angry (spanking) and when they get angry....they are bound to do the same thing. You have to model different behavior if you want different behavior. " Then he'd rub my back and feed my ice cream. :heart aha. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: kris10s on June 15, 2005, 06:41:40 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A thought on "you hit, you sit" -- maybe hitting can be an automatic trip to the comfort corner, no matter who does it. If you swat, you sit, if she swats, she sits. I would appreciate the time to think it over and see what I could have done differently. But, Dayna and Kara have to not kill each other while you are there, which may not work, to be honest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: greenemama on June 15, 2005, 07:34:03 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes "you hit, you sit" feels punitive to me. i don't know if it's just me or if it's punitive. :shrug so discerning, i know. :doh it looks like this. henry hits the baby. i say, "we do not hit in this house! you need to sit." and i take him to the comfort chair. the first reason he has to hit is so that i can tend to the baby without henry swiping at him again or screaming at me or whatever. everyone needs space so everyone gets it. the second reason is so that henry can regroup. he knows that the comfort chair is comforting when we use it for meltdowns or just to reconnect. he has books, he has a blanket, it's not a "bad" place to be. others will probably have actual advice. perhaps this is more an explanation of how we (try) to use "you hit, you sit" in a non-punitive way. i like kristen's suggestion, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: crunchymum on June 15, 2005, 07:37:55 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i really need a comfort corner.... mollie, don't you call yours the 'thinking chair"? i think that's so cute.... :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: lenswyf on June 15, 2005, 07:51:53 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amy, please feel free to correct me if I am mis-understanding what you are doing when you say that you "swat". I have defined what I think you're saying in my response -- if I'm wrong, please say so. I suspect there is truth in the idea that the kids have seen this be your response when you are angry. I would see part of the remedy to be asking your children for forgiveness. Anger at your children for doing childish things is something that we should all be striving to overcome and asking their forgiveness for. Yes, they did something wrong -- but our response should not be anger. We are the grown-ups. When they make a mistake, we should be teaching them what the right path is, not just reacting. Then I would ask them for forgiveness for swatting. There are many people who consider swatting and spanking to be the same thing, but there are many who would make a distinction between the two. Spanking comes with a forewarning -- "If you throw the ball inside the house, you will get a spanking". The idea is that when they have been told that the consequence for an act will be a spanking, but they throw the ball anyway, they have made an informed choice and the consequence is warranted. The parent does not need to be angry because, in a sense, it's a business transaction. They aren't spanked on the first offence because maybe they didn't know it was wrong; they are only spanked after they have been informed that the action is wrong and the consequence is spanking. Swatting in anger is a reaction. It's not planned, there is no warning, and it tends not to be rooted in any thought of what is right and wrong -- the parent just doesn't like what the child is doing. In families I've known who used this method to indicate their disapproval, the children ultimately gave up even trying to do the right thing because they couldn't figure out what the right thing was. And eventually, the cost to the relationship between the parents and children was very high. Anyway, by showing your children that you understand that you were wrong in the example you set (which you will do if you ask their forgiveness), I think you will help them see that it is wrong for them as well. (When I say "asking for forgiveness," I'm referring to asking them to "please forgive me for". It's not the same as saying "I'm sorry", which simply states the condition of your conscience. It's asking them to actively make a decision of "I forgive you" or "I don't forgive you".) Of course, the goal here is to move from a reactionary mode (swatting) to a training mode (GBD), not to a punitive mode (spanking, timeouts, etc.) It can be very helpful for children to see that their parents make mistakes, too, and to be working together to learn to do the "right things". You can encourage one another toward success, comfort one another when you fail, and in the end, be closer because you are on the same team, not at war with one another. Have you thought about the comfort corner idea? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: amytug on June 15, 2005, 09:09:14 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- have I thought about he CC idea.. Yes, I have, and I like it, BUT. I dont really know where to do it, etc. Our house is cramped.. Would a couch be okay. I mean that seems like an awful big place full of roaming area for a CC. I dunno, dont really have much of a nook for her. That is waht I really want. she does have a small recliner, but .. I dunno, I wanna make it fun for her, etc. *sigh* When I get the idear.. LOL -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: Radosny Matka on June 15, 2005, 01:30:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She probably doesn't know what to do with herself so she hits you. Try interceding when you see her start going into that circle before she hits you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: need instant consequcnce for hitting momma Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 15, 2005, 06:00:54 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would also sit her down at a neutral time and simply tell her, outright, you will no longer allow her to hit you. And if she's walking around like that after an encounter then try hugging her before she gets a chance to swipe at you. :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: hurting his brother! Post by: greenemama on June 14, 2005, 02:30:06 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- henry (3) has started pinching and pushing and slapping jude (1). i'm totally horrified at jude's pinch marks on his back and arms, from two brief moments near henry. so far i'm not getting ANYTHING done around here because i have to keep the two separated. it's so frustrating! i've asked him "why?" i've been more strict about "you hit, you sit," mainly for my own sanity in dealing with the crying baby. i've engaged them both in play together but have been there to intervene. student is coming in the door so i've got to go. any suggestions? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 14, 2005, 02:36:15 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well at 3 he doesn't know why :shrug He just does it! My 3yo is a physical little guy! It really helps to have daddy wrestle with him and set healthy boundaries on the physicality; it helps to keep him having physical outlets; it helps to have him get time to play with other physical 3 yo's ;) Supervise, remove him when he's being physical, get him some more physical outlets (mini trampoline, bed bouncing if you allow that, teach him running or physical games) and, at the same time, teach him to use his words! The more he can expess himself verbally the less he'll feel the need to do so physically--though that may always be his first impulse and he may need more reminders to use his words than more verbal/less physical children. hth -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: greenemama on June 14, 2005, 06:21:09 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i don't think he's hurting jude because he's upset with him -- i think he's bored or that he just plain enjoys all that comes with the hurting -- mom jumps up, baby cries, mom is trying not to be mad but she is, baby continues to cry. maybe it's just the attention? arrgh. isn't that negative intent from me? :blush i mean, i suppose i shouldn't assume he's hurting the baby because he enjoys it! that's just what it seems like. :sad2 how do we set healthy boundaries on the physicality? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: crunchymum on June 14, 2005, 10:50:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- argh. :hug can you maybe teach him some finger play stuff to do with jude? maybe rub his feet or something? i don't know.... that's so tough.... :( -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: godsgracegiven on June 15, 2005, 12:37:50 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe, he is just wanting to play w/ him but doesn't understand how to. My dc will play like this and get rowdy exspecially if they are bored. My youngest is more like this than my son though, so I have to keep her interested in new things through out the day. She is an active person where my son likes to read and color. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: Joanne on June 15, 2005, 09:49:14 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Take a look at your routine and predictability. Most kids his age crave it in order to feel masterful, competent and confident. That's why kids this age "thrive" and "do great" in professional daycare environments or preschool. Not because the child needs preschool but (a good) preschool is predictable and the child feels their freedom in well defined limits. Increase routined texture play. Play doh, rice, shaving cream, silly putty, gook, finger paints, etc. Role play, coach and "do over". Practice a better way to communicate using stuffed animals. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: greenemama on June 15, 2005, 11:39:14 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: Joanne on June 15, 2005, 09:49:14 AM Take a look at your routine and predictability. Most kids his age crave it in order to feel masterful, competent and confident. That's why kids this age "thrive" and "do great" in professional daycare environments or preschool. Not because the child needs preschool but (a good) preschool is predictable and the child feels their freedom in well defined limits. Increase routined texture play. Play doh, rice, shaving cream, silly putty, gook, finger paints, etc. Role play, coach and "do over". Practice a better way to communicate using stuffed animals. these are terrific and practical. thanks, joanne. :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hurting his brother! Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 15, 2005, 05:54:55 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remember working in the Sunday School room for the 2's and 3's and watching a little 3yo barrel across the room and slam into his friend, a 2yo. The 2yo flew over, hit his head, and burst into tears. The 3yo was HORRIFIED and became hysterical that his friend was hurt! He honestly didn't get the cause and effect :shrug I try to explain this to dd when ds hurts her--Yes, he hit you on purpose; he just didn't *hurt* you on purpose ;) I definately know ds does better when we're routined--I'm working to get us back to that because he definately needs it right now. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: hitting/biting 18 -month-old Post by: Proverbs31 on July 08, 2005, 12:26:53 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi all, I'm new here; hoping some of you might have ideas to help me with my 18-month-old DD. Frequently when she is angry at DH or me, she will very deliberately bite us, hit us, pinch us, or knock my glasses off. She is a very loving person, but all her emotions are strong, including the negative ones. So far I'm trying to be mindful of avoiding situations in which she gets angry so I don't unneccesarily tempt her, but some things just are unavoidable (e.g., she is not allowed to climb on the back of the couch because it would be dangerous if she fell, she is not allowed to dump water from her cup all over the floor). When I see she is angry, I try to say something like, "I understand you feel frustrated. Try to use your words." If she gets physically agressive with us, we say something like, "No! You do not bite Mama! Timeout!" and give her a brief timeout (put her in the crib--she cosleeps and never sleeps in the crib, and we ignore her for a minute or two till she settles down, then say "All done with timeout. Let's play/nurse/etc."). This works insofar as she almost always calms down and can be distracted to other things afterwards (the couple of times she accelerated her hysteria I went and got her out and calmed her down by nursing). But timeout has not seemed to prevent physical agression. How have you successfully dealt with physical agression at this age? What I described is probably the traditional timeout; I hope this post is still OK because I am not advocating it--I'm looking for an alternative. I'm uncomfortable with the way timeout disciplines by depriving her of a connection with me, but I don't know what else to do for physically agressive behavior (which she needs to learn is 100% unacceptable). Thanks! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hitting/biting 18 -month-old Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 09, 2005, 06:39:00 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for sharing a specific and what you've been doing so that we know where to start :) Pretty much everything you are doing up to the time out is great :tu She's so very young and what you're experiencing is typical 18 month old stuff. It can really help to get a hold of the little book by Ames and Ilg called "Your 1 Year Old" (and you're close to "Your 2 Year Old" so I'd check that one too ;) ). It talks about what children at different ages can be expected to do, and share why. Information about what they are going through developmentally and what certain behaviors are a sign of. This doesn't mean it's okay for her to do that! Age appropriate doesn't make it appropriate. It just means there's probably not going to be some magic solution, some *one* thing that will make her stop doing this. Eventually she will outgrow this--usually that involves becoming more verbal and learning how to communicate using her words. In the meantime, try to focus on everything you want to teach her about this--reflecting feelings involves naming them for her (you're already doing this :tu); redirecting her energy is two-fold. . . 1) focus her on something not upsetting and, sometimes, 2) Give an appropriate outlet for the aggressive behavior. It can really help for dad to wrestle with aggressive children. It provides a focused time, with predetermined boundaries that are taught by dad as they wrestle, so that they get their energy out and learn some social bounds. It's also great to get them outside and moving their bodies as often as you can--but balancing that with quiet down time. Keep setting boundaries, tell her what you will and won't allow. Move away if she comes after you. Also, in the sticky in this forum for the 5 Steps there is the 5th step of the Bear Hug which I use if my child is attacking and at risk for hurting me or others, or themselves. Some ideas for how you might help her express her negative emotions in the moment include hitting a pillow or pounding the couch or the bed, jumping, doing a dance, singing a song (dances and songs that express the emotion). and, when emotions are sour, sometimes the most underused discipline tool is a good old fashioned real genuine hug that says I love you, even when you're angry :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hitting/biting 18 -month-old Post by: cklewis on July 09, 2005, 06:43:35 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My DS is 18.5mo too. He was mad the other day that I couldn't give him what-not in the car while I was driving. I reflected his feelings, but that wasn't enough. I started singing this Mr. Rogers' song (http://pbskids.org/rogers/songlist/song7.html) and gesturing with it. He immediately stopped. This (http://www.fci.org/early_care/using_...amphlets_1.asp) site is good too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hitting/biting 18 -month-old Post by: Proverbs31 on July 10, 2005, 05:59:08 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for the encouragement and suggestions! A couple of follow-up questions (I'm not saying this to shoot down suggestions, and I hope it doesn't come across that way): I can't always move away because the situation is I'm trying to prevent her from doing something like running in the street, banging a block on the glass, etc. Also, there are two difficulties with the bear hug; she gets extremely upset if I'm restraining her like that (more upset than if I put her in the crib), and she wriggles around to bite the hugging arms. (She's used biting as her weapon since she was less than a year old--often very calmly and deliberately, and sometimes when she's angry and lashing out. And she has broken skin. I'm just glad she's never bitten another child!) Is the bear hug still good to use when a child hates being restrained so much? She also refuses to be distracted unless she chooses, which is where putting her in the crib has partly worked--it somehow releases her from the situation, and she can be directed to a happy new activity afterwards relatively easily. I do like the idea of a Comfort Corner much better, but am not sure how to get her to stay there (so she doesn't run back to the problem situation) without physically restraining her, which makes her hysterical. :shrug I think helping her find an acceptable physical outlet might help, especially if I can start teaching her in her less intense rages when she is somewhat more willing to listen. Right now she grinds her teeth, shakes her whole body, and slaps her head, or even bangs her head on a wall or the floor :cry ...all of which I've heard is normal for her age, but I hate to see her take it out on herself. I've just been ignoring it (the self-destructive behavior, not her) in the hopes that if I don't react she'll eventually quit doing it (interestingly, as far as I can tell, she only does it when she thinks I'm watching). But I think even teaching her to bounce (or jump when she can) might work as a substitute...and who cares if other people think she's being obnoxious if she does it in public, it's still a step in a better direction. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hitting/biting 18 -month-old Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 11, 2005, 11:21:10 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I use the bear hug even if a child doesn't like being restrained if not using the bear hug means they will be hurting. Then liking it isn't the goal--keeping them safe is ;) With the biting issues there are a couple of things to consider. First, you can turn your forefinger sideways (practice on yourself because it doesn't take much force at all!) and place it under her chin and press up to keep her from opening her mouth and from biting. You can also increase her oral stimulation--lemonade, hot/cold/sweet/sour/spicy foods, drinking with a straw, bagels and chewy foods, etc. If putting her in her crib until she calms down is helping her then I don't really see anything *wrong* with doing that. I'd stop calling it a time out and stop looking at it as "isolating her away from people" and try to treat it more as "helping her get a moment alone to regroup". My caution, because I went through this with my very introverted dd who seemed to want to be alone when she was upset, is to make sure you aren't "abandoning her to her big feelings" because when 3.5 rolled around I had a very intense little girl who didn't know what to do with her big feelings and her expression of them escalated until I went in and risked being lashed out at to help her get a handle on her big feelings and how to properly express herself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: hitting/biting 18 -month-old Post by: Proverbs31 on July 12, 2005, 06:14:42 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks so much for the advice will be trying these ideas. Also thank you for the caution about teaching her how to handle her feelings. I think that will be very important, especially because she seems to feel things so intensely. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: SarahsMommy on July 23, 2005, 09:11:05 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi all. My 2.5 year old has been hitting (and sometimes biting) dh lately and it's starting to really become a problem. He's at work all day and then comes home and wants to spend time with her and she ends up going over and being with him for a few minutes and then hitting him or biting him. At which point he puts her down or goes away and says that he can't sit with her if she's going to hurt him. Tonight he started to get pretty frustrated though. And he said to me, "If she hits me again, I'm going to smack her" And said that pretty forcefully. I asked if that was really what he wanted to teach her and he said that was exactly what he wanted to teach her, "If you hit, you get hit back." I played with her for a while and then she was playing by herself so I went and told dh that I think hitting her would be a big mistake. That I wasn't sure of what his idea was but it sounded kind of like if she hit his arm or face, etc... that he was going to just strike back out at her. I said that even advocates of spanking say it needs to be controlled and calm and that I think hitting her in anger like that would be a very dangerous line to be on. He seemed to agree with that though mostly just seemed to feel out of sorts and bad about it all. He told me later that it just really makes him sad when she does that. But at the time he was all caught up in saying things about how she "can't hit her mother and father" and "can't disrespect me like that." Those sort of phrases just bother me for some reason. It just doesn't seem like the heart of our 2.5 year old dd's behavior is disrespecting her daddy, but it feels like that to him and that is a real trigger for him. Anyway, any suggestions?? Thanks :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: MarynMunchkins on July 24, 2005, 05:00:11 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He needs to prevent her from hitting and teach her how to be gentle. When he sees her starting to hit, have him grab her hands and hold them still. Say "Hitting hurts. Be gentle." (or something like that :P) For biting, you can take one finger and hold it firmly under her jaw. It will keep her from being able to open her mouth. In worst case scenarios, he should leave. :shrug I wouldn't want to play with someone who is hitting and biting me either. I'd leave the room. I think when he does get hit/bitten, it's perfectly acceptable to say "I don't like that. I feel sad when you hit/bite me." She needs to know that it is unkind/disrespectful even if that's not the intent. Then you can teach her how to be kind and respectful. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: Danette on July 24, 2005, 05:36:18 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think I'd be pretty mad if every time I came home from work I was met with hitting and bites....it's a pretty serious offense in my book.(my books not worth much though :giggle) However, she must have a reason for doing it. Is she mad that he left all day?? Is he not playing with her in the way she wants to be played with?? Is she hungry?? Is she getting new molars... my kids definitely acted this way when they were in pain. I'd try to figure that out and then go from there. When she does hit or bite I'd have your husband look her right in the eyes and very firmly tell her "no hitting." And if she tries to continue he should walk away. I'd also encourage your husband to interact with her in situations where she can't hit or bite. Like swinging or a quick walk around the block before dinner. :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: SarahsMommy on July 24, 2005, 06:12:19 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you both :hug I definitely understand why he's so hurt and upset. :( And I've told him about preventing her from hitting/biting but she catches him off guard alot. I agree with what he's been doing in telling her she can't hurt him and putting her down. But then he will just stay on the couch for example and keep pushing her away when she comes back over which seems to prolong something negative. I say that she "can't hit me" in the sense of I will do my best to not allow her to hit me and keep telling her it's not okay. But he seems to feel that she just plain can't hit him. Well, clearly she can. It seems to me to be in the realm of age appropriate but not appropriate. But he seems to think that if he just hits her or punishs her properly, it won't ever happen again. When she bit him several weeks ago he immediately hit her mouth and he thought that would just be it. But she still tries to bite him. I try to tell him that the thing is to expect that it will keep happening for a while and work to prevent it and remind her that it's not okay to hurt us and makes us sad. He's really a very gentle and patient person, he's just getting pushed too far. I'm sure part of it has to do with her being at the peak of her energy and him being at the low of his. But she acts like she wants to cuddle or read, but just switches gears quickly :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 24, 2005, 12:34:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would encourage you to prepare her for what is expected *right* before daddy gets home. If he can call when he's a few minutes away to let you know that would be best. Also, redirect all hitting and biting to an inanimate object--a stuffed animal or pillow or something like that. hth (sorry if this is blunt I've got two squirmers on me right now :heart) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: SarahsMommy on July 26, 2005, 12:42:08 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks Crystal :) It hasn't happened again yet which is good. We do re-direct her and she's got all her teeth, so definitely not teething. About the preparing her - I've always felt worried that by telling her ahead of time what not to do that it will give her the idea to do it somehow. Yesterday when dh was almost home I started talking to her about what she and Daddy would do and that was good and also gave me an idea of what type of activity level she was in the mood for. :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: DD Hitting Daddy Post by: Cindy on July 27, 2005, 06:26:34 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 17 month old ds started hitting a few weeks ago. At first I would put him down and tell him "no hitting"... then the day came we were at a busy street festival and it was not safe for him to wander around on his own. He had a fit and started hitting me because he wanted to be put down :rolleyes So I grabbed his hands and held them and told him "I will not let you hit me." I held him for 10 seconds or so then let go. He hit me again and I repeated the process. After the third time he stopped hitting me. He has hit me occasionally since then and I have held his hands and he would cry - but it was more like "sorry mom, I just forgot..." and he doesn't hit again. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: lavender mom on July 20, 2005, 07:31:31 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well- this is my first post on these boards. I'm planning to go and introduce myself and visit some of the other forums too, but I am absolutely desperate for help with my 3 y.o. so here I am. Though I'm newer to GBD, it falls pretty much in line with how I've been handling things so far. Spanking is never an option, but I have been using a form of time out. I would love to move away from time outs- I just need some alternatives. DS (3 y.o.) has figured out that the number one way to get a rise out of mommy is to hurt his little sister. So, occasionally when I redirect him, he gets mad at me and starts to shove and shake DD. It usually happens when he's tired and it's completely obvious to me that he's doing it to get a reaction from me. And I do give him a nice big reaction, despite my best intentions. At the very least, I jump up and pull him off of his sister and carry him to his room. I often use a stern, loud voice (I've probably yelled...) to tell him how upset I am. He loves the whole thing. I am :banghead because I don't know the appropriate way to react and honestly, it just makes me so angry! I'd be angry if someone tried to hurt him too. It's just the mama bear in me I guess. After it happened for the 3rd day in a row (it almost always happens at the end of the day or just before nap time, so I think a lot of it stems from the fact that he is tired) DH and I spent a lot of the rest of the day telling DS how sad and worried we were that he hurt his sister. That actually seems to have made an impact and at the end of the day when he and Daddy were saying prayers at bedtime he asked to pray about hurting his sister. Still I'm not convinced we're over this hurdle, and I'm still at a loss as to how to handle it if it should happen again. How can I convince him that this is not a good thing without giving him a reaction that he loves, and still keep my cool? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 20, 2005, 08:12:40 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm curious why you think he loves the reaction :shrug I have more to say but I wanted to ask that first ;) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: lavender mom on July 20, 2005, 08:44:09 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He sort of smiles and looks at me with awe. It a sort of "wow, this is really interesting to see mommy all fired up like this. I want to see if I can make it happen again." kind of look. Does that make sense? He really does get a reaction that's different from the norm and I think he finds it interesting. I think he's appreciating the fact that his action can get such a dramatic reaction. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 20, 2005, 08:53:47 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's what I thought you'd say ;) The reason that I asked is I've found from talking with my older/verbal children that when they seem to smile inappropriately they are usually afraid :( I would get terribly angry at ds1 until I figured this out :sad2 :sad2 It's like when adults laugh at a funeral--just a very inappropriate emotional reaction. I would suggest that he's having big feelings of frustration and is taking them out on the only person in the house he's more powerful than. I'd work hard to teach him appropriate ways to express himself. Baby signs, angry dances, etc. And when you suspect your answer or redirection will upset him I'd absolutely keep him away from his sister! I hth :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: lavender mom on July 20, 2005, 09:03:46 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oooh. You know, that makes all sorts of sense. Thanks. So we have been working on other ways to express his anger- we've talked about using his words and practiced saying, "I'm really mad!" And I like the idea of moving him away from her before he can lash out at her. But if I don't make it in time and he does hurt her again, how would you suggest that I respond? Should I pick him up and take him to his room? Should I say anything? I feel like if I could just have a plan of specific things to say or do I might react better. I honestly hate the reaction that I'm currently having. :( -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 21, 2005, 12:40:05 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would pick her up and comfort her and then, when she's calm, go and remind him about better ways to express his frustration and have him practice as well as start teaching him to make amends--I'd have him give gentle touches (after his frustration it out because the gentle touches aren't to replace the frustration--they're a separate thing :) ) where he hurt. He might also color his sister a picture or do something else kind for her :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: Mama Calidad on July 21, 2005, 01:29:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whenever the kids get hurt, DH or I always kiss their boo-boo. Somehow the kiss makes the boo-boo "all better". I don't understand the science of it, but unless it's something major they stop crying and we'll go with it. :shrug Well, stemming from that, when one of my kids hurts the other, whether intentionally or accidentally, I pick up the injured child and comfort them. I put my other arm around the other child and tell him/her, "When you x, it hurt your brother/sister." I explain the behavior that needs to be changed (i.e. "You may not hit your sister." or being more careful or whatnot). Then, I ask, "Do you want to give him/her a kiss and tell him/her that you're sorry?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Help! 3 y.o. hurting 9 month old Post by: lavender mom on July 21, 2005, 02:45:47 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks Crystal & Laura. We kiss owies here too, so I could easily work that into things. Today's been a better day. I think it's helped to make sure Claire is out of his way when I need to redirect him. Hopefully things will continue to improve. :) |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: violent Post by: Heather Micaela on August 01, 2005, 12:09:23 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate to describe my dd this way (nor do I say this out loud) bu that is the only word to explain her behavior as of late. She officialy turns 2 on Wed. When she doesn't get her way she goes for the person she is most mad at and either hits, pinches, scratches, or pulls hair. Some instances when this occurs: I have let her try to clip the carseat herself (she can do part of it) but since today she is more interested in playing, I tell her I can't waint any longer and am going to clip it herself. I tell her its time to go home from the park. She wants the toy brother is playing with and he isn't ready to give it up yet. She is already upset (HALTED) and just decides to "attack someone" Dh takes her food bowl becuse she is just throwing food, not eating We don't understand what she is asking for I am busy and wont pick her up at the moment. What I have done. Removed her hands from the one being attacked Told her that hurts then try to demonstrate genlte touches: hugs, stroking hair gently, etc. I would love for her to "make it up" but she doean't get that at this age Anyone know some age appropraite ways to help her cope with her anger/frustration? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: Heather Micaela on August 01, 2005, 01:28:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please respond. I really need help w/ this. THough Dh is trying really hard to be anti-spanking, this pushes him over the edge into "Threatening" H eknows violence begets viloence, but nothing esleworks -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: Wonder Woman on August 01, 2005, 01:35:06 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :nak but what you're doing sounds right to me - that's what we deal with. Except now ds has grasped not hurting others, and will scream and hit himself and claw at his own face. We say "be sweet to Jaden. Use gentle touches." And he calms down. :hugheart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 01, 2005, 01:42:28 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You're responding just fine when it happens. Going from 18 month-ish to 2 is a HUGE change! For you, for your child, for everyone :shrug Your dd has figured out she is separate from you (finally sets in around 18 months) and now has come to realize she has wishes and ideas that are separate, her own, apart from yours ;) She's asking the question, "How much power do I have over my world?" The mistake I usually make until I get so frustrated that I remember :shifty is that with a baby/toddler I tend to *do* stuff--just do it. I pick them up and move them, I trade the toy out and give them something else, blah blah blah. Well the 2 yo has their own ideas and doesn't want to be picked up and moved, doesn't want to have their toy traded, etc. A punitive approach says to just punish them until they stop asserting their will. :sa I say honor their will, shape it, woo it, train it :) I offer limited choices, give warnings for transitions, remind them of the rule before enforcing it. So with the food at the table I'd make sure to say, "You are throwing your food. That tells daddy you are done. Are you done? You're not? Then you need to eat it instead of throwing it. If you throw it again I will remove it." When we get into the car I give them a set time to buckle up--either until I get the baby in, or until I count to 30, or until I sing a song, etc. Then I buckle them. Does that help at all? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: OpalsMom on August 01, 2005, 02:24:13 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you tried offering her acceptable ways to express her feelings? Gentle touches are a great way to express love, but not so good as a way to express anger. Stomping can be OK; using words can be OK; an angry dance, an angry song? I am proactive both in trying to keep her from getting that frustrated (lots of transition and distraction stuff) but also in trying to keep her from being tempted to bite me when she is (so she doesn't get to snuggle into my neck if she's already 9/10ths of the way to overflow; I'll carry her but in a position where her mouth isn't already right next to tempting, gnawable flesh). It's part of "I won't let you hurt me". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: BornFreeBaby on August 01, 2005, 08:56:15 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :hugheart I'm just waiting for dd to get to this stage. There must be something about turning 2, where they ALWAYS seem to do this, from what I've heard/read. At least you know that she is acting "her age" even though its hard to deal with. The only thing I can say, is what I'm trying to do w/ dd- Keep giving her the WORDS to use to deal with her feelings, teach her to say, "I'm MAD!" instead of hitting. I don't know, but maybe tell her to go hit the pillow? She's got those big feelings, and not enough words to express them, and doesn't know what to physically do with all of that energy. I like the idea of the angry dance or stomping... Its hard for me to stop myself from getting upset with dd when she gets upset/angry, but I try to remember that it's okay for her to feel angry or upset, and I need to help her to learn to express it in the right ways. Ugg its tough being a parent!! We just have to have this endless energy to be patient and teach teach teach... Lord help us!! :pray -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: palil on August 02, 2005, 07:57:50 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How verbal is she? Maybe she is really needing more/better words when she feels at a loss for how to express herself.. ? My just-turned 2yo bites, pinches, hits, headbutts, etc for a wide variety of emotions. It's exhausting and very aggravating when he hurts one of us. :mad He is WAY more physical than his older brother.. but ds1 did go through this kind of thing, too, and improved dramatically as I put more effort into teaching and encouraging verbal communication from him. I've been encouraging my little guy to hold out his hand and say "STOP" when he wants his brother to stop chasing/touching him. So I was changing his diaper yesterday and having to wipe a little harder then usual... he wrinkled up his brow, thrust that hand right in my face and yelled out, "STOOOOOOP" in a very authoritative voice. :laughtears What Crystal said rings a bell, too. I find that sometimes I haven't "moved on" to the next stage of development and independence with my boys, and they get frustrated b/c I'm treating them like "babies." :O Then sometimes, they *want* me to treat them like babies.. :shrug :lol Ah, the balancing act of being a parent. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: Heather Micaela on August 02, 2005, 11:57:23 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel better that at least she is normal. It is true that I was modeling how to use her hands in a nice way but NOT showing her what to do w/ her anger. She is VERY verbal, already and talks in complete scenteces I just haven't given her the words for anger. I still wish there were some instant solution - but oh well. I talked to Dh about your suggestions and he agreed they were good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: violent Post by: palil on August 02, 2005, 12:22:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you can also try offering her a hand to hit (gimme 5). even if she refuses at first, she might plug in if you demonstrate and act silly with it... show her how you give 5 to one of your other kids, or take her hand and give her 5.. or show her how to hit something that's ok to hit.. like the couch. :shrug My ds usually cracks up when I "demonstrate" how to be angry, and then the worst is over. I've had mixed feelings in the past about encouraging physical outlets for anger... I guess I figured that if I'm encouraging ds to hit a pillow, I'm still encouraging them to hit when he's angry.. :think :/ But then recently I was having a HORRIBLE day and when I hit a wall and just lost it I had to step out into the garage, yell at the top of my lungs and rant for a minute... I saw a small rubber ball and I picked it up and just threw it against the garage door. WHA-BAM! (I've never done that before) It felt good. :shifty It bounced back to me and I did it again. WHA-BAM! I did that about 5 or 6 times, took a deep breath and went back in ready to start over. It made me remember that when I was frustrated in college, I used to go the gym and shoot hoops, or--better yet--practice hitting *evil grin* (I played volleyball.. hitting as in "spiking") The physical exertion.. the act of forcefully slamming a ball into the ground as hard as I could.. the focus and concentration on excercising motor control... these things really helped me cope. I don't have outlets like that now, and I MISS them. That was a moment where I suddenly "got" how important it can be to have physical outlets for frustration and anger... especially for kids who find it difficult to do other constructive things. i've also recently realized that we do a lot of "play" stuff that is probably confusing to an 18 mo.-2yo. Nibbling and "love bites" on ears, noses, toes.. "gonna get you" type gobbling.. dh likes to "smack" in play (but he hits hard! :banghead ) so my older son now think it's funny and affectionate to come smack me on the bottom :O :rolleyes Even stuff like playing "the dinosaur is going to chase you" :shrug since dinosaurs obviously eat their prey... :think Even tickling can be misinterpreted.. an excited 2yo might think that pinching is a form of tickling and ok to do when you're excited... These things occurred to me b/c my ds gets aggressive when he's overwhelmed with almost any emotion.. good or bad. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!! Post by: purplerose on May 19, 2005, 09:33:05 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but my 3 and 2yo won't stop fighting!!!!uhghhghggh!! :banghead :banghead :banghead They just scream and scream at each other! This started yesterday and they are doing it again this morning!!! I'm trying to distract them, but it's just not working!! DH wants to revert back to yelling and a swat on the bottom again, but I told him NO!!! It's just a phase and they'll work through it. I'm trying to get them to do other activities, and even tried to put them in separate activities, but they just want what the other is doing!! Any advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pray -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!! Post by: blessed2mothr4 on May 19, 2005, 10:10:48 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lara :hug2 I have been dealing w/ this w/ my 4 yo and 3 yo all week! I have been so upset w/ them and did revert back to yelling at them. :cry Today I woke up and said "thing have got to change" So I changed things... We worked on sorting through toys, cleaning and played together. When they started to fight I waited a few minutes to see how they'd work it out and then intervene if I needed. I just tried to keep them busy w/ playing or cleaning and it seemed to help... I will be praying for you! I know how very frustrating it is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!! Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 11:13:11 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What they are showing you is that not fighting before was not because they knew how to get along--it was from fear of punishment. So it's time to actively teach them how to get along. Problem solving skills are important, they need to know how to reflect feelings, assign a positive intent, all the things you're learning need to be being passed on to them :) Can you describe a fight between them and what it sounds/looks like so I can help with where I'd insert what? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!! Post by: purplerose on May 19, 2005, 01:20:08 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I figured maybe a change in scenerey or people would help! So my girlfriend came over with her little boy and the 3 of them palyed in the backyard and got along great! Then we took the kids to McDonald's for lunch and they played great again! Then we came home and me and my 2 kids played outside (I had to really supervise them, not because of their fighting, but b/c of the little boy next door)....when the little boy started to get mean I said "Ok, let's go in for quiet time and nap time" and NO ARGUEMENTS!!! :tu Now DD is upstairs laying in my bed for her quiet time (watching tv) and DS is playing down her next to me right now for a few more mintues and then I will lay him down and get DD down for a nap and then I get NICE AND PEACEFUL MOMMY TIME!!!!!!!!!! :mrgreen :cool I guess they had some pent up energy they needed to get out!!!!! :rolleyes I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one who goes through this at times!!!!!! :grouphug :amen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!! Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 01:37:02 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah :jump that "taking a break" skill is invaluable! That's why I love the Comfort Corner :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!! Post by: Joanne on May 19, 2005, 03:42:06 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote DH wants to revert back to yelling and a swat on the bottom again, but I told him NO!!! It's just a phase and they'll work through it. I'm trying to get them to do other activities, and even tried to put them in separate activities, but they just want what the other is doing!! Any advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, you and DH are both right and both wrong. :mrgreen It is a common stage. One that will take many forms in the next .... 10 years or so. Indeed, my sister and I still "fight" in ways and we are 39 and 50. :heart :hearts So, yes, it's a phase. And, yes, they need the type of boundaries that spanking would provide - but without the spanking. Here's what I'd do. I'd look at my lifestyle. When things get like that around here, we usually: 1) Watch too much TV (or over use other screen activities). 2) Don't get outside enough. 3) Have too many toys. 4) Don't have enough predictable structure. 5) I have started repeating myself instead of "making it happen". So, I change all of that. Those are proactive responses. For responsive discipline (in the moment), they get a do-over after I coach them through a better way to handle the situation. Continued fighting means that NO ONE plays with the item. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 05, 2005, 11:11:04 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, my 9yo dd kept having a hard time listening to her siblings. She would hit them, and when they told her to stop doing something, she would just not stop. I had to step in and say, "When someone tells you stop, you stop." Later last night, before bed, she threw something at her 2YO SISTER"S FACE!! She is 2!!. I just don't get it. It was pretty close to bedtime, so I said, "You have had a hard time listening to people today, you have been hitting and now you just threw a toy at a baby's face. You need to go to bed, now, beause you are having a hard time being arouind other people. She started crying and screaming that she was NOT going to bed and that she would just turn the light back on. I said you are going to bed, and I will turn the light back off. I said good night , turned on the night light and turned off the light. I heard her get out of bed, and I went to her room and the light was back on. I fixed her fan so she couldn't turn the light back on. She started screaming that she hated me. I said, "Well, I love you. Goodnight" and I left. I went down stairs. A few minutes later, she comes down stairs crying and startes arguing about going to bed. I stated again why she needed to and that was it. My dh backed me up. So she yelled at us both to "Shut Up!" I got off the couch and took her hand to lead her up stairs saying, "You may ot talk to me like that. Go to bed." SHe stomped as loudly as she could to her room. After giving her a few minutes, I went upstairs to her room to talk with her . On her door was a sign that said "MOM" It was in a circle with a line drawn through it. I pushed open her door. I was going to see how she was doing. Before I could say anything, she snapped, "Can't you read?" :wow My face fell and I turned and walked out. A few minutes later, she came downstairs again and said, "I removed the sign." I said, "okay" "Well, aren't you going to come back and talk to me?" I said, "When I am ready." I finished what I was doing and then went upstairs to talk to her. She started crying and said. "I don't understand why you did a big thing to me when I only did a small thing." :/ I said, "I didn't do anything to you. You have had a hard time all day respecting people's boundaries and hurting them. I don't think that is a small thing." She wanted me to spend more time with her, but this was a preplanned night with dd 5 and I didn't think it was fair to take that from dd 5. I reiterated that I loved her and told her good night. Today, she seems to be in a happy mood. I am just wondering what I could have done differently if anything. :think Thanks -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 05, 2005, 11:44:55 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amy, ever have a bad day when you pick a fight with someone just so you can get all your angst out? Ever look to be provoked or take innocent things wrong knowing it had nothing to do with the innocent thing but you needed to just get the yucky stuff inside out? It sounds like your 9yo was having one of those days :( After the pattern started and she was clearly being negative and antagonistic I'd have turned my focus to pursuing her to figure out what was really wrong. Sounds like she was pushing you away to see if you loved her enough to pursue her. She needs you to walk through the sign, break through her nasty, and hug and love on the little hurt girl who is buried under all the crud :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 05, 2005, 12:03:01 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Amy, ever have a bad day when you pick a fight with someone just so you can get all your angst out? Ever look to be provoked or take innocent things wrong knowing it had nothing to do with the innocent thing but you needed to just get the yucky stuff inside out? Oh Yeah. I can totally see now what was happening. So, instead of letting my face fall and leaving when she asked if I can read, I should have said something like, "Yes, I read the sign but I really want to make sure you are okay. Is there anything you would like to talk about?" And when I noticed the pattern earlier, I should have been more proactive in finding out the cause. I just realized that when she came down and told me that she had removed the sign, I was "punishing" her by saying I would come up when I was ready :( Do you agree with that conclusion? This was so out of character for her, so I can see that it was just "one of those days" but I didn't help her through it like I should have because she "should know better" Well, I feel better knowing more how to help her through it next time :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: singingmom on August 05, 2005, 12:10:27 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I read your post earlier, but I didn't know what to say. I have similar moments with my oldest every now and then and I don't know what to do other than basically what you did. I tend to want to put him alone in his room, but I know that doesn't really help. So I'm exhorted and encouraged by Crystal's post and I plan to love him through the crud next time. I do think you did very well staying calm in the face of her anger. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 05, 2005, 12:38:34 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I just realized that when she came down and told me that she had removed the sign, I was "punishing" her by saying I would come up when I was ready Do you agree with that conclusion? Yeah, but don't beat yourself up over it :hug It's more that feeling bad is a cycle and people who feel bad act bad. She felt bad so she acted bad and everyone she encountered ended up feeling bad and acting bad and pretty soon everyone's just feeling and acting bad :shrug By identifying the pattern you can choose to not take it personal next time and just not feel bad--assigning a positive intent means you can say, "Hey, she's being jerky but she's wonderful, something must be wrong" :think -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 05, 2005, 12:47:41 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote By identifying the pattern you can choose to not take it personal next time and just not feel bad--assigning a positive intent means you can say, "Hey, she's being jerky but she's wonderful, something must be wrong" Got it :tu Thank you so much :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: 4blessings on August 05, 2005, 02:45:31 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Great thread. Very helpful! I'm taking notes for future reference. I have similar situations with my 10 y/o sometimes. Thanks girls! :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: mom2threePKs on August 06, 2005, 02:56:11 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When my almost 9 yo dd acts like that (and yes, she acts just like that) I have found tht writing notes back and forth under the door can help unlock from the conflict and stat communicating again. I think it hels her feel like she has my undivided attention even with her sisters around. The notes usually degenerate into silliness :P then we can talk about things. Telling her tht although her behavior was attrocious, I don't think she is fundamentlly flawed or a bad girl seems to help break the pattern as well. Plus lots of hugs and kisses. :hugheart I feel so much better hearing that another 9yo dd has moments like mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Magan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 06, 2005, 03:19:13 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote When my almost 9 yo dd acts like that (and yes, she acts just like that) I have found that writing notes back and forth under the door can help unlock from the conflict and stat communicating again That is a great idea, Magan! :tu -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback Post by: Wake Me Up on August 06, 2005, 05:36:58 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I notice this with my dd. The uglier she's being with me, the more she has something inside that she really needs to get out and talk about. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: You hit, you sit Post by: mlrowley on August 04, 2005, 02:22:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can someone please tell me what this really looks like. We need to start this here. My biggest questions are: does it work for 2.5 y/o? What do you do if they get up from the sitting spot? Is the sitting spot in the room or outside it? Do you suggest an apology when ready to rejoin? What if the recipient doesn't want to be apologized too? I know, probably enough questions for 2 or 3 threads. Sorry. I'm really struggling with so many things right now. I need some more detailed, specific tools. Thanks for any input. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 04, 2005, 02:47:13 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I used it with my 3yo but only because my older children were doing it also. I don't know how it would work with a 3yo if you didn't have older children. I wouldn't use it with a 2.5 yo myself. The way I recommend approaching everything, including hitting, is to focus on *teaching* when they are young. Teach how to properly express frustration, how to use words, how to do an angry dance, how to make amends, etc etc etc. "You hit, you sit" is more in line with "correcting" and I'd use this with a child who knows better but makes a poor choice and exercises poor discretion. When that's the case I have introduced the idea, and shown them the place (usually the couch, here) and I expect to spend the first couple of days moving them there and reinforcing this new tool. They sit until they are ready to "make amends" which usually includes an apology but even more includes doing something to make up for what they did (so a gentle touch to make up for the hitting). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: greenemama on August 04, 2005, 07:10:54 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- henry is 3 and we've only recently being doing you hit, you sit. mostly so that i can help the baby that's been beaten on. :neutral and so that i can regain composure after feeling angry that he hit the baby. when he's hit another kid i remove him from the scene entirely and we find a place to regroup. he calms down, we discuss it a bit, not much. i mostly ask questions about what hands are for, what he thinks he could do to make it up to the kid, etc., which, for us, is also normally a gentle touch. jude is 14 months and i realize with him that i should have started working with henry sooner. :shifty i didn't realize that one so young could sort of get "gentle touches" when i'm teaching him *not* to hit. :shrug it's different with every kid, tho . . . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: mlrowley on August 04, 2005, 07:28:40 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you. Dd will be 4 next week. They are so close in age I often do the same with both. I can see where this probably wouldn't work with ds though. How do you handle it when the one who was hit doesn't want to be made up to? DS will usually say "no me want gentle touch". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: Joanne on August 04, 2005, 07:38:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've used it a lot with my daycare. In reality, it's "If you hit, you obviously don't have the skills at the moment to play respectfully and therefore I must remove you from play in order to help you control yourself and keep those around you safe." But that's an awful lot to say to a young child. :giggle :lol I usually remove them from play, coach them on how to do better, elicit some kind of verbal agreement/acknowledgement and help them make amends to the injured person. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: palil on August 04, 2005, 07:49:26 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
I usually just acknowledge to the older son that he has tried.. say thank you or whatever.. and maybe observe that Levi is still angry and needs more time to cool down, and sometimes I will talk gently to my younger son "Caleb is telling you he is sorry.. can he give you gentle touch?" Sometimes phrasing it as "Will you forgive Caleb?" helps or encouraging Caleb to say "Will you forgive me?" Somehow that seems to operate as a "cue" for ds2 to accept a kiss and hug.. but not always. :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: greenemama on August 04, 2005, 09:00:12 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i usually say, "he's not ready for a hug" or whatever it is henry is trying to do and suggest that we move on. :shrug henry's interaction with kids around his age is minimal, though, just cuz we don't know anyone. :neutral when it's someone else's kid and teaching them how to accept apologies is not my job then i let it go. but i do wonder about jude and teaching him to accept apologies, amends, etc. theoretically i think that everyone in their own parts of the house "cooling off" both the hitter and the hittee :) will aid not only in getting one to apologize, but in getting the other to cool down, not retaliate, and understand that everyone makes mistakes, etc. :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: palil on August 04, 2005, 09:27:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and I was recently reminded in a different thread (about this very issue) that this is still a YOUNG age, and modeling and teaching behaviors is key.. not forcing kids to apologize or accept apologies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: Joanne on August 05, 2005, 05:35:29 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
I do believe the should usually be mentioned, suggested and nudged. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: greenemama on August 05, 2005, 06:37:40 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we model apologies all of the time. :grin i don't force an apology, but i do remind him of "what he needs to say" and usually i say, "you need to tell x you're sorry for hitting." it's not a command, it's a reminder. if he's unable to do it he needs more time to regroup, IME. if he's ready to join the kids again or whatever he's normally more than ready to apologize, usually without a reminder. if he's not really ready, i can tell because he's still upset and refuses to apologize, kwim? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: palil on August 05, 2005, 07:12:46 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
When I'm trying to teach my kids to do something, and they refuse to try, it's frustrating and can be tempting to REQUIRE (or try to force) the behavior from them... but when they are very little, I need to just keep focusing on modeling, teaching, and coaching, and trust that they will get it when they're ready. <--- THat's what we talked about in a previous thread about this and it served as a good reminder for me, so I'm passing it on. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: Joanne on August 05, 2005, 07:55:08 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: You hit, you sit Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 05, 2005, 12:26:28 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, and if the offending party isn't willing to forgive at that time I have them take a break, go to the comfort corner, whatever until they are ready to forgive and I tell them to come let me know when they are ready. As for the not wanting gentle touches thing, I have the apologizing child ask what they can do to make it better--they might not want a gentle touch :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Please Help- How do I stop the hitting??? Post by: euromom on April 16, 2007, 07:02:54 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OK, I have been on GCM for close to a year now, and we have done the whole "Hitting hurts" "show gentle" "you hit you sit" etc... and still ds has this thing about hitting me, and just me. He very, very, very rarely ever hits dh, but about 3-4 days of the week we have to deal with it with me and I am getting so tired of it! :( It normally happens when something from HALT is lacking (normally overtired or hungry) and I know that, but still, it is unacceptable behaviour and I'm struggling getting it to end. A lot of the time it's when he wants dh's attention and not mine, and so we have tried things like "You need to use your words to ask for Tati, you may not hit mommy to get tati to come" and that lasted in about a 45min tantrum the last time. I'm not sure if we were being puntive or not by withholding dh's attention from him (until he used words and not hitting or hurting me) but we also don't want him thinking it's acceptable to hurt me to get his dad to come. This morning he started hitting me again when I took him out of our bedroom so dh could get up. I bear hugged him, I set him down on the couch and told him he could eat his dry cereal there (because I knew part of the prob was he did not have breakfast yet) when I had to bear hug him again, dh came and tried to talk with him. He would show "gentle" to dh (rubbing his face gently and then giving him a hug and kiss) but whenever dh asked him to show gentle to me he would only try to hit me again. :cry What am I doing wrong and what can I do to teach him that this is not acceptable behavior??????? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please Help- How do I stop the hitting??? Post by: purplerose on April 16, 2007, 07:09:42 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When my DS2 was doing this I would tell him "it's ok to be mad, but we don't hit" I finally told him "When you are mad, hit a pillow and not mommy or someone else". So he started hitting the pillow when he got mad. Maybe validating his feelings about being mad more? Try the pillow hittting concept! :hugs I know how frustrating this can be!!!! :hug2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please Help- How do I stop the hitting??? Post by: Joanne on April 16, 2007, 08:58:02 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
What I'd do in addition to the practicing you are doing is to add praise for when he finds acceptable ways to get Dad's attention. I'd not over-do it, but mention "that was a great way to tell Dad you'd like him" and give a high five. At his age and sensitivity to HALT; I'd make sure I had a lot of routine, structure and ritual in the home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please Help- How do I stop the hitting??? Post by: euromom on April 16, 2007, 12:13:31 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
Quote:
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Please Help- How do I stop the hitting??? Post by: canadiyank on April 16, 2007, 01:09:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wouldn't use "You hit, you sit" with a 2yo...he's too young to understand that. If HALT stuff is an issue I'd focus on that. Of course hitting is not acceptable, yet he's 2 and hitting is one of his ways of communicating his anger and disappointment. You may be ineterested in this (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...topic=102617.0) discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment," particularly Ch. 2 (scroll down on the first page) and how to deal with the big feelings/hitting etc. in the moment. Not only do you need to stop the hitting, you need to teach him new skills other than hitting. Katiekind talked about one...hitting something else. I like large body mvt's for that age. Remember...these things need to be taught and implemented *before* the meltdown. Saying, "Let's do an angry dance," like you found out, is likely to *increase* their frustration if they don't recognize the angry dance as a calming tool. Another thing I focus on with my 2yo (she hits her older sister) is making amends. Gentle hands and an "I'm sorry sissy," makes up for hurting hands. I've also taught my older dd to say, "You may NOT hit me - that hurts!" :hug I know it's tough. Very exasperating! |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: LittleSweetPeas on March 08, 2007, 03:56:01 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I dont think this quite falls under you hit you sit. DD is almost 4 and will when feeling frustrated hit at us. Usually she slaps at our leg while she's saying "I dont want to do that" or "You go put it away!" Its generally a hit followed by a command from her for us to do the exact thing we asked her to do. her little sister is picking up on this now and will hit at us when we change her diaper or redirect or take something away from her. I generally take her hand and firmly tell her "You are not to hit people. We do not hit in our family. Hitting hurts." and put her hand down and then we work on doing whatever action together. This doesnt always solve it and it keeps coming up. I'm just curious if there is something better that works for this frustration experience. hitting sister or friends gets a definite you hit/you sit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: GotMyHeartFull on March 08, 2007, 04:06:28 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I do 'you hit, you sit' with this as well. They sit when they hit a sibling, so why would it be different if they are hitting a parent? :scratch -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: Teribear on March 08, 2007, 04:06:54 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drop the we don't hit in our family, because clearly right now she does. Try "I see that you are very angry. You may not hit. Hitting hurts." or "I hear that you would rather not do X. You may say ________________ but you may not hit. Hitting hurts." Fill in the blank with whatever would be an acceptable expression of frustration. She may be reacting to transitions. Some kids who are slow to transition need a bit more warning than just being told "Do x" if that is the case you might be able to say, "You need to wrap up what you're doing, its time to do X" and use the language of the 5 steps. It's stickied around here somewhere. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: LittleSweetPeas on March 08, 2007, 04:11:41 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I suppose I see the difference in that hitting her sister is generally out of anger or selfishness (I WANT IT!) and hitting me is because she is feeling a frustration that she's struggling to express in words. I always give her a good transition time. She's just discovered this is pretty effective, especially in riling up Dad. :think -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: Teribear on March 08, 2007, 04:32:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote hitting me is because she is feeling a frustration that she's struggling to express in words . Exactly. So reflect feelings and give her the words you want her to use instead of hitting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: OpalsMom on March 08, 2007, 04:37:06 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You're angry. Hitting hurts. I won't let you hurt me. Find another way to be angry. You can..." Which, in our house, is rapidly followed by "That's too close to me. If you're going to wave your arms around, take them further away from me." She likes to hit *at* me without hitting me. The trick of course is then not letting her hurt me (or wave her arms RIGHT next to me). Sometimes I separate us. Sometimes DH steps in. Sometimes I hold her where she can't hit. It depends on the situation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 08, 2007, 07:32:52 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- two additional ideas: hug her when she's frustrated--help her feel safe; take her to the bathroom :shifty Honestly, my 4yo always had to go when he got like this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: hey mommy on March 08, 2007, 08:46:29 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tell C "I know you are frustrated(mad, sad, whatever), but hitting will NOT help. Use your words(another phrase I use A LOT)" if he continues, I hold his arms and tell him "I will not let you hurt me". And then if needed "Hands are for loving, not hitting. Do you need a hug?", which is usually followed by a sad 'yes..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: LittleSweetPeas on March 09, 2007, 03:15:42 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: ArmsOfLove on March 08, 2007, 07:32:52 PM two additional ideas: hug her when she's frustrated--help her feel safe; take her to the bathroom :shifty Honestly, my 4yo always had to go when he got like this. Now that is interesting! DD struggles with chronic constipation and witholding and I have never thought about it but often when she is having behavior issues it is because she needs to pee or poop. Hmmmm.... :think -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad Post by: canadiyank on March 09, 2007, 04:39:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your boundaries you've set are you...now to address the issues behind the hitting. If she's frustrated then she needs new ways (besides hitting) to express those and deal with the emotions surrounding them. You might find this (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...topic=102617.0) discussion helpful, especially as we get into the chapters that teach new and alternative ideas for them to deal with the emotions. :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions. Post by: poleidopy on March 08, 2006, 03:11:39 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was at my friend's house the other day and my DS (20 mo) kept hitting her DD (26mo.) When he would hit, I would say "No hitting! Hitting hurts!" and offer him a toy or move him across the room or to my lap. But it kept happening - not necessarily immediately, but often. What do I do? My friend told me to spank him or put him in time out :( (that's her method) and is appalled at my "permissiveness" :rolleyes Also, he has been very sick for a week & a half, so he is naturally more..."moody" shall we say, and quicker to tantrum. So he was also getting into her cabinet, which is unsafe. I told him to close it and get out twice. When he didn't, I got him and moved him to another area, nearby us, with toys. (The rest of us were eating dinner) He was upset and threw a big toy across the room, toward people. I picked him up, help him on my lap and talked in his ear telling him he was out of control and I was going to hold him for awhile. He eventually calmed down and I put him down and it was a few more minutes until the nest tired/frustrated tantrum. So my friend was SO excited that I was "disciplining" him, because she thinks I am so permissive and never do anything about his defiance. She was so happy that I "gave him a time-out on my lap for throwing the toy- a directly defiant action." Uh, ok. (That scares me -this friend is SO incredibly punitive, to have HER say I did a good job disciplining scares me that I might have done something un-GBD! :eek :O ) He also got some bear hug/lap time when I picked him up from a 'situation" and he hit me. She thought it was intentional - I knew it was him being sick and tired and flailing about. Even if it WAS intentional, is it OK for me to have him restrained in my lap? Is that "discipline" enough? I don't see how I can be expected to hit him for anything, much less being sick and tired and acting out, but what CAN I do? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions. Post by: SingingPraise on March 08, 2006, 03:28:39 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We do three things. DS is now 2 1/2 and has really had hitting issues. First thing is "Use gentle hands" and then I show him physically how to do that - we stroke the other childs head or cheek, pat gently on the back etc. We do this with animals/pets as well. "gentle hands" has become a mantra around here. I find it works better then "no hitting" cuz I feel like all he hears is "hitting". Second thing is "you hit you sit". I will move to a quiet corner of the room and sit with him in my lap and repeat "we use gentle hands. If you hit, you sit". If we're at home, we go to the comfort corner (which in essence is a self time out) and sit until we are ready to come out and use "gentle hands" with our friends. He is now old enough to say "sorry" so he is requested to do that when he hits as well. When I've been with friends and he hits we go thru the three steps. 1. I show him gentle hands and how that looks while saying it. I kiss the other child, stroke their hair etc saying "gentle hands and kisses to our friends" 2. Remove him from the other child to a nother part of the room and reiterate "gentle hands on our friends" and if you hit, you sit. lets sit til you can be gentle 3. Have him say he's sorry when he's ready If the hitting continues, we leave and I reiterate "we use gentle hands. If you can't use gentle hands we need to go home and not play anymore" . Its not permissive. Its firm. But its gentle as well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions. Post by: rdkkks on March 08, 2006, 03:34:56 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- kalli (17.5 mos) has been hitting quite a bit lately too...It used to be enough to show her to be gentle, and she would say "gentle" and be gentle to me or whoever she'd hit. now, she'll rub be gently once, then wind up and hit again. Sometimes I hold her on my lap (bear hug), but if she keeps trying to hit, I'll put her down and move away from her and say that if she can't be nice to mommy, she can't be with me right then. It's still a big battle, I'm not sure exactly what to do either. :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions. Post by: poleidopy on March 08, 2006, 03:46:44 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few quest Post by: Irene on March 08, 2006, 03:56:53 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think the hug is good for saying sorry :) the "no hitting, hitting hurts" just seems to egg my ds on :shifty so I have dropped that and I say "gentle gentle gentle gentle" :giggle okay, not that much ;) but I do feel like I am saying it all day :) and I will hold him in my lap too. with dd, the hitting was mostly at me, so I was able to walk away, but with ds, its not as easy because theres everyone else around. I think you need new friends ;) or at least give *her* some boundaries :eek I cant beleive she goes on like that! :eek |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: klpmommy on July 11, 2006, 09:05:27 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DD was way overtired today & when I told her that we were going upstairs to take a nap she said "I'm going to hit you Mommy". I asked if that was because she was angry and she said yes, she didn't want to go to sleep. I responded that I couldn't allow her to hit me, but she could use her words like she did & she could hit her pillow or the bed or even give me an "ouchie five" (ds's favorite thing is to give me a high five & me to yell Ouch! That hurt). She said she didn't want to do any of those things & came over & hit my bottom about 3 times. She has never been spanked & it has been a long time since ds was spanked- I think she picked my bottom b/c it was the easiest thing for her to reach. I didn't say anything at that point, just picked her up & took her to bed where I laid down with her while she fought me until she fall asleep. She normally doesn't fight sleep this hard, we have had a rough couple of days irt sleep (or lack thereof). Hoping she will take a good long nap & wake up in a much better mood. But how should I respond to "I'm going to hit you Mommy" and being hit? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: pneumaphile on July 11, 2006, 09:40:30 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think you handled it great. I liked the way you gave her options, and validated her feelings, and got her need (sleep) met. Usually if I'm being hurt I move my body out of harm's way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: Mamatoto on July 11, 2006, 09:53:17 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I may have said, "No, you're not" picked her up and held her and said, "I know you don't want to take a nap, but it's nap time, let's go lay down together..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: Joanne on July 11, 2006, 04:13:00 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think you did fine and your wording great. "I won't let you" is very important body language to teach. If possible, I would have stopped her after the first hit or at the attempt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: klpmommy on July 12, 2006, 10:33:00 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired. Thanks for your help! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: Radosny Matka on July 12, 2006, 11:01:25 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from: klpmommy on July 12, 2006, 10:33:00 AM I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired. Thanks for your help! Anyone is inrrational when overtired, adults included. Since it was behavior out of the ordinary, you did great with your reaction. There is no need to punish. Our goal isn't to punish, it is to teach. You did just that - you held your boundry and let her know that your words have meaning - that she was going to sleep and that was final. I too would have done what snugglemama said, "no your not, it's time for bed." After being hit I would have stopped it after the 1st time and firmly said, "you may NOT hit mommy. hitting hurts. I'm putting you to bed." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: Heather Micaela on July 12, 2006, 11:06:00 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I read the title and was thinking "at least you were warned" my dd just blindsides me. Ok that didn't help at all, but you are not alone... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: klpmommy on July 12, 2006, 11:51:32 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I realize that the way I stated this was not the way I meant it. Quote I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired. What I meant was I realized why I was questioning how I responded. It just seemed too easy in a lot of ways,kwim? I didn't need to punish b/c once she got her nap in she was much more normal. The three hits were very quick. My hands were full & I was putting stuff down. I really couldn't have stopped her after one hit, I don't think. But maybe if I hadn't been so stunned that she actually hit me I might have been quicker. thanks again -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond? Post by: TulipMama on July 13, 2006, 11:59:51 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired. I totally understand. I still sometimes feel trapped by my thinking that wants a cause-and-effect reaction that is punishing. *hug* You did great. Stated the situation and boundaries, reflected feelings, and dealt with the root issue. You enforced the boundaries as best you could (ie, hands full, surprised by the actions--didn't get to restrain her from a repeated swat) but you still enforced the boundary and dealt with the root issue. The only thing I would add (though you might have done it! *Grin*) was as we were settling for the nap, prayed silently or outloud for wisdom in this situation. Sometimes praying aloud helps my children calm and the Lord uses it in their hearts. Sometimes praying silently is what we need most. . . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: jmme on October 01, 2006, 09:54:34 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I did a search and well I couldn't find it :scratch -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: canadiyank on October 01, 2006, 11:13:08 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hmmm....maybe we could start a sticky for that! Crystal...can you explain? I've used it modified, mostly pulling the hitter off to attend to the hittee. The main premise, as I understand it is to put some space in between them, allow them to calm down, and then make amends when calm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: HomeWithMyBabies on October 02, 2006, 04:36:27 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a tough time with this one too. I've tried it a few times before but wasn't sure what I was doing and it didn't work. :giggle I let ds pick where he wants to sit, but he spends about .001 seconds there before he's up again and ready to resume hitting. Maybe he's too young for it to make sense? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: canadiyank on October 04, 2006, 10:27:49 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bumping...I'll bring this to Crystal's attention.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: ArmsOfLove on October 04, 2006, 10:40:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I thought we had a sticky :scratch Basically, when children get into it and someone hits/hurts I intervene and move them physically, if necessary, and say, "You hit, you sit. Go to the couch until I come to you." Then I make sure the other person is okay--check them physically, listen to their side of things, reflect and validate AND find out if they provoked the aggression. Then I go to the hitter and calm them down and hear their side and reflect and validate. THEN I bring both calmed children back together and encourage them both, if necessary, to make amends for whatever wrong they did to each other. the purpose is to stop the encounter immediately and to unravel the knot so that we can retie the bow together :heart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: Mamatoto on October 06, 2006, 06:48:34 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How often do you do this in a day, Crystal? Does this happen a lot with your kids? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: jmme on October 06, 2006, 07:21:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aha... Thanks so much Crystal! :tu Do you also talk to the kiddos about having gentle hands and feet and that it's not okay to hurt brother/sister? Also, what are some good words for me to use to validate and reflect my children's feelings? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works... Post by: ArmsOfLove on October 06, 2006, 07:26:53 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well I start talking about gentle hands with my children when they are babies. I use the wording of the 5 Steps as soon as a baby reaches up and smacks me or grabs my hair while nursing. I take their hand in mine--gently but firmly--and say, "Gentle mommy. Gentle touches only." And then take their hand and stroke me gently while I'm stroking them gently. I also take their hand and gentle them (I remember when Joanne made "gentle" a verb :giggle) I talk to my toddlers about it and have them "try again" with gentle hands. That is often part of making amends--a gentle touch replaces a harsh one. I try to get into situations before someone hits or gets hurt so I don't end up doing this that often at all. My most aggressive child has been my 4yo (he is still working through his feelings over the trauma of the babies' births :( ) and I'm more likely to grab him into a bear hug and help him calm down than to you hit, you sit him--but I've done that when I need to tend to someone who is hurt. Maybe 2 or 3 times in a week :shrug Most weeks once, maybe. But I've worked with my children to use boundary setting language to tell him when he needs to stop what he's doing, when something hurts, when they don't want to play a certain way, etc. And they get me if he's *getting* aggressive so that I can help him calm down. With reflecting feelings, I simply state what I observe. "you are angry. You didn't like . . . " "You are upset. I can see that you are feeling very tense." "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is a :tu :tu book :) |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Need help learning effective responses to non-compliance. Post by: gandpsmommy on June 20, 2006, 12:48:47 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [excerpt from a longer post about various issues] Also, sometimes one of them will hit me. What is the appropriate response for this? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Need help learning effective responses to non-compliance. Post by: Wonder Woman on June 20, 2006, 02:32:03 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- With the hitting, this is pretty common from what I understand! Right now I'm really working on teaching my ds "You will respect Mommy's body boundaries." I'm teaching him that by when he hits, I make that statement, and I remove A: myself from the situation or B: whatever object he is hitting me with from the situation. I tell him "You may not hit me. I will not allow you to hit me." Currently, his drumsticks are on top of the fridge. Me taking them away resulted in a meltdown, which ended in a whimpering, overtired little boy (the reason for the acting out in the first place!) snuggled up in my lap and drifting off to sleep. When he wakes up, he gets a ''try again" where he will be permitted to have the sticks. If he hits me again, they will quietly disappear for a couple of days. Not as punishment, but because I am modeling for him that people who are healthy do not permit themselves to be hit. :tu |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Hitting Post by: MommaRhe on June 28, 2007, 10:28:12 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd like to know how others handle their children hitting. This is a new one for us - our first didn't hit. Our little one has started a few months ago. (she was 2 in March) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting Post by: Susan K on June 28, 2007, 11:34:40 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 3 year old ds was a hitter. I held his hands gently when he was trying to hit me. I would say that you are not allowed to hit mommy. On the play ground I would stay near him to try to stop him from hitting others. If he did hit he would sit in my arms for a bit. He has got much better. Susan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting Post by: OpalsMom on June 29, 2007, 11:31:19 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If DD hits me (tries to hit me, hits at me, etc...) I say "Hitting hurts. I won't let you hurt me," and move to make that true. Then we discuss what she CAN do for whatever she's trying to do. If she hits somebody else, much the same thing. She needs to come away until she's ready to make amends (make it better, whether or not she says she's sorry) and she has to tell me what she's going to do instead of hitting next time. (At 2, I told her what she could do, and our notions of making amends were simpler.) When she's not in the thick of it, we discuss options for what you do. If somebody does something you don't like, you say (or sign) "Stop! I don't like that!" and you move away if necessary, get adult help... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: 19 month old hitting Post by: rowansmom on July 27, 2007, 09:50:19 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He usually isn't aggressive when we are home all by ourselves. He'll hit in play, but we always stop him and tell him to be gentle and he does. But when we go outside to play, there arethree little boys and two little girls. all the boys are older than him by 1-2 yrs and one girl is his age and the other is a year. He will randomly at times just lightly smack the ones younger than him. without even looking at them sometimes, he'll be doing something else and if they are near his swinging arm they get hit. the older boys, he hits all the time. mostly because I think he's trying to claim his domain??? but if he tries to play with them (and they are very possesive boys when it comes to their toys and their parents don't correct it) but when DS tries to play with them and they whine or tell him to leave or walk away from him, he'll hit them. at the library the other day he would reandomly go up to kids and just hit them (all younger than he is) but the older kids he'll again try to play with them and because they don't understand him they ignore him and then he hits. he talks, but not much and has his own language, (which the pedi is not concerned about) I have put him in time out, but he laughs at it. the only thing that seems to get the message across is to shut the sliding glass door while he watches all the kids play. (he loves being outside) but when we are say at the library, what do I do? how do I communicate to him to stop this? I feel awful when he does this to otherkids and their parents make me feel like I'm not diceplineg him enough (not because I don't spank, they don't spank much if at all) but because I don't say no all the time. Instead i use re-direction and model good behaviors, like saying Be gentle and then show him how to be gentle, or tell him, "Htting is not nice, you made so and so cry, now give them a hug and say you are sorry" He gives hugs and kisses he loves to do that. I don't think he's a violent kid, I don't think he's dissobedient, but others parents call him a bully. I'm frustrated with their parenting skills (one 3 yr whines about eveyrhting and anytime he cires it';s always the others kids fault and then he gets what he wants) but I don't want to look like an awful parent in front of them. any suggestions to help me understand a little more as to why he's doing this? how to stop it? and maybe how to better communicate witht he kids and parents about his hitting? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 19 month old hitting Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 27, 2007, 04:47:37 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it sounds like he's trying to set some boundaries and get some space. I'd work on teaching him signs or words for "need space" :hugheart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 19 month old hitting Post by: joy on July 31, 2007, 07:23:33 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is he trying to figure out just how to "be" with them maybe - how to connect with them? My DS is just about the same age, and he is nervous around other kids to the point of avoiding them (he seems to get pushed down in the frolicking... I'm surprised that he hasn't started hitting too, I guess.) In order for my guy to feel comforable around other kids, I sometimes need to stay close by at the beginning and let him change his focus from me to the other kids at his own pace. Or I'll kind of invite one child to do what we are doing if one of them toddles over interested in whatever we have going on. From there I talk to them both and try to set a sweet tone. I just need to help keep it mellow initially. Maybe your DS is nervous like mine but is showing it in a different way? I really hope the other parents aren't giving you bad vibes about it. A toddler hitting is pretty normal behavior :shrug - or at least this mom thinks so. :hug2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 19 month old hitting Post by: Littledisciples on July 31, 2007, 07:32:05 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My toddler does the same thing. I re-direct I say gentle touches and gently stroke her arm to show her how to be nice. I think it is a normal behaviour at this age but frustrating too. :shrug :hugheart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 19 month old hitting Post by: HomeWithMyBabies on July 31, 2007, 07:52:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sounds normal. I think some kids are still playing with cause and effect at this age, and working out where they end and other people start. I'd apologize to the other kid for your ds, and explain and demonstrate gentle touches with ds. Watch him very closely, there are often signs before the actual hit occurs and maybe you can step in before it happens. :hug2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 19 month old hitting Post by: rowansmom on August 01, 2007, 07:29:19 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't think he's nervous. He loves kids. He'll beg to go outside when he sees them out there. BUt I think maybe it is more cause and effect. but he did start hitting me and my husband this week. We've tried talking to him, but I don't see any recognition in his face that he did something wrong. I've stopped him from hitting many times, and we always go up to the kid he hits and I appologize for DS and then ask DS to give the kid a hug because he gave him a boo-boo, and it wasn't nice. hopefully it's just a stage, but I really don't think, after watching him, thats it's out of violence, maybe frustration, but not malice -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 19 month old hitting Post by: Joanne on August 02, 2007, 06:34:28 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
Quote:
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: lovinmama on May 16, 2007, 09:34:13 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ds is apparently swatting or hitting at people and my family is complaining. Well, when they play with him rough he really gets into it, so what do you expect? Of course he's going to get more aggressive. And the other part is when he's not ready to interact with people he kind of swats them away. I've been saying "let's be gentle," but I think that he's trying to set some sort of boundary at that time. Like, "I'm not ready to visit with you right now, give me my space." I want ds to be able to set boundaries for himself in a healthy way..........so any ideas? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: lksparks00 on May 16, 2007, 10:02:08 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- can you give him some words to use instead of the swatting? I try to use the words "respect my boundaries" and "I'm not ready now" for dd in place of swatting/hitting. I'm sure others will have much better scripts, but I"m just getting started with this stuff. :mrgreen And I've always found it sooo frustrating when an adult plays rough with a child, and the child ends up hitting someone or breaking something, and it's the child who gets in trouble. Hello! The adult started it and shoulda' noticed when the little one was approaching an outa' control state. I usually tell the adult not to instigate :shifty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: lovinmama on May 16, 2007, 03:03:02 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks Laura, it is soooo frustrating when the adults can't even stay in control with the child!! But I'll to be more creative and give him some words to use... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: canadiyank on May 17, 2007, 08:12:23 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yep, determining the reason behind the hitting is sooo helpful. Still not acceptable, but there's a difference in how you'd help a kid who was hitting b/c he needs space, vs. angry, vs. excited, etc. I would say, "Stop! Owie. Say, 'Stop, I'm done.'" or something appropriate. Practice at a neutral time. Of course, the other kid may not always co-operate, but you are giving him real tools. Then address what to do if the kid *doesn't* stop. Stand near mommy? Move your body away? etc. Something that's acceptable to you and he can remember. And then practice that, too. :yes HTH! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: Amber on May 18, 2007, 02:23:25 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have been teaching Cole to say "Stop, I don't like that!" in those situations where people aren't respecting his boundries. Of course he has yet to say it :giggle and usually just whines for me, but we are working on it. I also use the same phrase when he is getting too rough when playing with me (or Kyle) in hopes that he will learn that everybody has boundries that need to be respected. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: Joanne on May 21, 2007, 08:16:59 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
The seemingly contradictory response is to make sure that the rough play really *is* a contributing factor or a problem. It's common enough for moms to be "too" wary of physical play. Children need it; especially boys. Quote:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people Post by: chelsea on May 23, 2007, 08:46:41 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ds used to scream (very, very loudly) to let people know he needed his space (too many strangers touching his hair or relatives just teasing him, etc.) I told him (sometimes over and over) that we don't scream at people, but if someone was doing something he didn't want them to, he should say "No thank-you!" to them. The only problem came in where people didn't respect his "No thank-you" and that's where I would step in and loudly say (looking at ds but spoken in the direction of the person not respecting his boundaries :giggle ) "GOOD JOB! WE SAY NO THANK-YOU WHEN WE WANT SOMEONE TO STOP, DON'T WE?!!" People always get the hint after that. ;) |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: gracieannsmom on June 08, 2007, 02:29:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have told her that it is not okay to hit, it is not okay to kick...she needs to use her words, etc. We have gone over this again and again and again. So my neighbor picks up my dd and her dd from preschool today and told me that while they were at a stop sign, my dd punched her dd in the face. :jawdrop I am so embarassed and absolutely at wits end with dd. I took her up to her room and sat down with her and explained (once again) why we do not hit or punch or kick. I asked her why she did it, she said she didn't know. I asked if her friend said something that made her mad, she said no. So now I feel that this has gone far enough...hitting is one thing but taking a punch at someone is a different story. I feel like a punishment needs to take place. What should I do??? I have her in her room right now until dh comes home and we can talk about what happned again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: J3K on June 08, 2007, 02:32:52 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How old is she ? Nearly four according your siggie , right ? I think part of it is age , part of it may be diet , and even another part , just not knowing what to do with big feelings. Maybe Crystal will pop up and share some advice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: gracieannsmom on June 08, 2007, 02:35:09 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, she's almost 4. I hope Crystal comes on too because this has gone far enough. Whether age appropriate or not, I feel that some sort of consequence needs to take place. She has to understand that the behavior is unacceptable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: J3K on June 08, 2007, 02:46:01 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does she get enough physical activity ? Maybe if she had a focus ? I'm sorry I'm not much help. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Natalie on June 08, 2007, 02:49:24 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm subbing in, because Samantha is slapping, cheerfully, and I cannot figure out how to stop her. She slapped a good friend across the face so hard it left a mark, and then later in the day slapped a child in a doc's waiting room, when the child wouldn't let go of a toy. He thought they were playing tug o' war. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: joyful mama on June 08, 2007, 02:53:51 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i have a hitter, too. Its no fun. We do 'you hit you sit' every.single.time. we have her make ammends (usually its a hug, and an offering of a toy...), apologize (when she's ready). We've left places if she's warned once and it continues. We also focus on diet and avoid hfcs and refined sugars... really, I think its a phase thats annoying, frustrating and embarassing. dd was also a biter and outgrew that. Its extremely rare for her to bite now. :hug2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Natalie on June 08, 2007, 03:43:26 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Could you go into more detail as to what "You hit, you sit" looks like? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: teamommy on June 08, 2007, 04:02:15 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 5 yo was a hitter. From about 2.5, to about 4.5. The worst was 3.5-4, then it slowed down a lot. Then it was screaming and throwing (but not at people). Now we are just at the unpleasant verbal response stage ;) By that I mean that these thing have been his primary way of responding to frustration, and we work on teaching him better ways to express himself. I felt like a broken record for a few years. It just takes a long, LONG time for it to sink in for some children, I suppose. He hit another child only twice (otherwise it was within the immediate family), and when that happened I encouraged him to apologize right away; when he didn't I apologized for him but later I explained about showing remorse and apologizing, and also Crystal's idea of making amends :smile and on his own he came up with the idea of drawing a picture to give to the dc to say sorry, and he did that and we stopped by later to apologize. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: euromom on June 08, 2007, 04:34:00 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- subbing in also as I also have a hitter. :( One thing that's helped somewhat is we got him a boardbook titled "Hands are Not for Hitting" He's a bit younger though and I think the book is more for toddlers (Natalie maybe your dd would like it? I think from your siggie she is about ds's age?) When he hits I have him sit and ask him "What are hands used for" he first replies "Not for hitting!" and then I ask him again what hands are used for and we go through some of the things from the book "hugging, helping, eating and drinking, playing and building" etc... He does still hit a lot. Just hoping this will sink in one day as we repeat over and over what hands are suppose to be used for. :shrug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Natalie on June 08, 2007, 04:41:48 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We have that book. It makes no sense to Samantha. :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: euromom on June 08, 2007, 04:44:15 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe when she is a few months older :shrug Ds is just a month or 2 older and we just got it for him a few weeks ago. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: gentle_answer on June 08, 2007, 07:59:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My DD is a hitter, pincher, pusher, etc. She has been since her newborn fingers could find my neck or arms. I've noticed it's worse when she has to pee. Sending her to the bathroom works wonders. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 08, 2007, 08:12:33 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I really do understand how frustrating this is :hug2 The thing is . . . she is not developmentally able to understand the consequences of her actions--that requires logic and that isn't going to kick in at a pre-level until around 8. Which means, she does not *get* that when she hits it's going to hurt someone. She just knows that feelings build up in her and explode out her fist. The only way to get this to stop is to supervise supervise supervise and to learn the signs that she's about to explode. Prevent it where possible. If she needs space then make sure that she isn't spending a lot of time with people in her space or they are likely to get hit. If she needs to eat to keep her blood sugar regulated make sure that she is eating regularly or someone is going to be punched. If she is hyperfocusing and not aware of when she needs to pee, or ignoring the cues her body is giving her until she has antsy rage building up in her body, then make sure she goes pee regularly (and don't ask if you see the signs because she'll likely say 'no' as she doesn't believe she *needs to* pee ;) ). If she has food sensitivities then make sure she gets NO exposure to those foods or she will not be able to control herself and then talking with her about it will be like trying to convince an addict not to do what they do when they are drunk. A punishment simply isn't going to *teach* her anything. Punishments are about making the child suffer and feel bad so they won't do what they did again--but people who feel bad act bad so a punishment is counter productive for inducing better behavior. For a child this age who is hitting I'd do lots of things--even in addition to what I put above. I'd have her outside as much as possible and doing things to get her big muscles compressed. I'd be doing deep massage--especially in her hands. I'd have her doing kinesthetic play with play doh, shaving cream, clay, or other things that get her hands busy (kneading dough is great :tu). I'd have her doing lots of water play if she calms in the water. I'd work with her on using her words and offer her scripts for the things that set her off. "I need space" "I want to be alone" "I don't like that" "Stop" and when I'm around I'd enforce her boundary very quickly. I'd talk with her about what she can do if you aren't there and something happens---get another adult in charge, move away if she can, etc. I'd teach her to hit something like a pillow--with children this intensely into hitting I say "Hit pillows, not people!" and give them a pillow to hit. I'd get her something like a worry stone to keep in her pocket so that she can use her hands and rub them to get tension out. I'd have her moving moving moving. If the drive home from school is hard I'd have her go to the bathroom before heading to the car and do 10 jumping jacks before getting in, and have a worry stone to rub so that she can keep her hands busy, and make sure she's armed with a script of what to say to the other mother if she needs help. hth :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: nurse_reedle on June 08, 2007, 09:55:52 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hitting is such a problem here that we have inacted the "You hit, you sit" thing. There is no required time and it puts instant distance between the hittee and the hitter. Isaac is two and not very verbal yet, so this captures his attention and gives him a place to regain his focus. Then we cuddle as soon as he is ready....usually after 2 seconds. I am encouraging kisses or sorry for making amends at this point. So far, he will only make amends with me and no one else. If her hurts someone else, he still want to make amends with me LOL. So far, this is working the best. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 08, 2007, 11:12:01 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not really hearing anyone using "You Hit, You Sit" as a replacement for time out, but I wanted to make sure and talk about this a bit since a few people have mentioned it :) The point of "You Hit, You Sit" is to remove the hitter from the hittee and put a distance between them. This does a few things--it allows you to check on the child who was hit and make sure they are okay and gives the hitter a chance to calm down and collect themselves. It puts an abrupt stop to the hitting and the situation that led to it. The thing to remember is that children who hit are provoked. We may not understand what provoked them, or think that hitting was justified, but in their minds they were provoked. ;) I try to make sure that one thing I do in the process is ask them what provoked them and address better ways to respond as well as teach the other child a better way to communicate their point. Often it was someone in their space, or someone grabbing a toy, or saying something that hurt their feelings. These are problems that need to be addressed also :heart The child who hit does need to make amends, but often the child who was hit needs to make amends first. If they provoked then they wronged the hitter also. Separating the children gives me a chance to get both of their stories and try to find the reconciliation approach that will be best for all involved. If the child is too young to make amends or tell me their story then I may still do this if it's chronic or if I need to make sure the child who was hit is okay. But I'd get them as soon as I can and make sure they are okay also. the interesting thing about young children who hit is that they really don't understand that their action hurt the other person--and if they realize they have hurt someone they usually feel terrible about it. I once watched a 3yo barrel across a room and slam into their friend. The child fell over and began crying and the child who had hit into them burst into tears and was terrified because their friend was hurt. Lacking logic he really didn't anticipate that happening and didn't realize he had caused it -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: nurse_reedle on June 08, 2007, 11:26:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We do it because he is hitting US and he won't stop without distance. It gives him a second to collect himself and then we can move on. I don't know how to address his "issues" though since he is so little and they involve not getting what he wants LOL -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 08, 2007, 11:51:57 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what you're doing is fine :) You could also put him into a very comfortable bear hug pulled into you and talk calmly into his ear about reflecting feelings and setting boundaries "You may not hit me" and my children especially appreciate me saying " I am bigger than your big feelings. I can keep you safe and keep you from hurting me" :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: nurse_reedle on June 08, 2007, 11:58:53 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He loves being hugged, EXCEPT during crisis....then he freaks out really badly and starts thrashing around. I value my face a little bit LOL So we just hug afterwards. Is this all we need to do at this age? We can't make him understand why he can't have something, but we do explain the best we can. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 09, 2007, 12:05:00 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would explain and then stop explaining. Sometimes at this age children perceive us continuing to explain as trying to convince them to change their feelings and they can resist that. They also believe that we have power so if we really wanted to we could ;) So I try to state the answer and the reason and then reflect their feelings about it. Mostly, though, it's about giving him time to mature :tu -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Allison on June 09, 2007, 05:15:41 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 3 year old is a hitter, too, when he's upset. He has to be provoked, usually by his older brother, but he will punch hard if his is. When he's upset with dh or me, he will smack us sometimes. I see it as being so upset but not knowing what do with the feelings and not remembering to use words. My oldest went through the hitting stage like most kids, but giving him a pillow to hit instead and teaching him how to express his feelings helped. By 3-3.5 he didn't hit anymore. Even now, when his little brother hits him, he never hits back. Its like the urge to hit is just not present in him. I have a feeling that urge will always be present with my 3 yr old. My oldest has the urge to scream, yell and slam doors instead. LOL You hit, you sit is good but I have trouble being consistent with it. :-\ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Novella on June 09, 2007, 05:29:23 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you so much for this information, Crystal :tu My DS is a hitter to me and DH. I started just yesterday giving him the "you hit, you sit" and it worked. Within 30 seconds, he came to me and said "i'm sorry mommy" I really appreciate the words you have offered here. :happytears I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: MarynMunchkins on June 09, 2007, 05:39:31 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So you think once Bug turns 8, the logic will kick in and he'll stop hitting? :rolleyes ;) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Natalie on June 09, 2007, 06:20:45 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We started you hit, you sit yesterday. My kids are both so just toddlers. I swept Samantha up last night, after she slapped Simon, sat her in the chair, and told her, "If you hit, you have to sit." Before she can start expressing her displeasure with this idea, before I can turn around to go get the crying Simon, he is elbowing his way between me and Samantha so hard that he nearly knocked me over. He gave me the oddest look, apparently not at all happy that I had stolen his sister away from him. this thread continued in next post. . . |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Joanne on June 09, 2007, 09:46:16 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have about 2 seconds to post, so I'm going to cut and paste from a draft: Aggressive and Physical Behavior Aggressive and/or physical behavior is often one of the first challenges that parents face after the infant months. It makes complete sense. The child is growing cognitively and has a desire to communicate those feelings and thoughts. At the same time, the child is becoming more aware of his/her body, it’s abilities and power. Add to that mix limited impulse control and limited verbal ability and the fact that a child expresses themselves phsycially is not a surprise. It’s important to understand and acknowledge that it’s age expected. If we do not expect the behavior, we are more likely to react with anger towards our child. It’s important to also remember that we do not want to stop physicalness in our children, we want to direct it and help them manage it. Their little bodies are exploding with emotionally fueled energy. We can’t stop that. Instead, we need to find ways to make available appropriate physical expression. However, as with other age expected behaviors, the fact that it’s common does not make it acceptable. Children in this stage need coaching, clear boundaries and proactive approaches. This chapter will present several common aggressive or physical behaviors along with both proactive and responsive tools. Biting Biting is a common behavior in young children. It’s one that parents react strongly too, both the parents of the biting child and the parents of the children who get bitten. In my daycare, I experienced the most passionate responses from parents over issues involving biting. Some children are more prone to biting than others. You’ll see biting emerge around the 1 year mark and disappear around age 3. Many children who bite have a high oral need for stimulation. They seek sensation using their mouth. If you can increase appropriate stimulation to their mouth, you can decrease the frequency of biting. There are several ways to do this. You can increase the chewy foods a child eats, such as fruit leather or bagels. Increase spicy foods such as sausage or salsa. Offer hot or cold foods, such as smoothies or soup. Finally, have the child use a straw often. When biting does occur, remove the child from the immediate area. Say “No biting. Biting hurts”. Look at the situation, and if you can identify what the bite was used to communicate, offer substitute words. Coach the child to say “I need space” or “I’d like a turn” or “I’m angry”. If the child is not yet verbal, you can use baby signs. For the toddler or younger, offer a designated toy for biting. “You may not bite people, you may bite this.” If your child continues to bite with frequency, you will need to provide constant and arms reach supervision until your child has moved out of this stage. Hitting Hitting is a very common way for young children to express themselves. As young children with very big emotions, they are just learning how to manage the energy behind their emotions. Children hit when they are threatened, thwarted, excited, angry, frustrated, tired, and because it’s exciting. Proactive discipline tools for a hitting child include: coaching, role playing, naming feelings, sensory/texture play, routine and baby signs. Making sure your child gets plenty of outdoor and large motor play helps, as well. As far as responsive discipline tools, you need to stop the child and remove them if needed. Tell them “No hitting. Hitting hurts”. Avoid saying “We don’t hit”. It’s an inaccurate and confusing phrase to your child. Obviously, they do hit. They just did. Instead, stop their arm and tell them “I won’t let you hurt me (or that child). I will help you follow the rules.” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: gracieannsmom on June 18, 2007, 08:36:54 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally! I can reply!! Everytime I log on it's during the weekend "non posting" time! These are all good suggestions and it's good to know that I'm not alone in this. I think I need to print out some of the suggesions because I tend to forget when a situation arises. I have to say that the problem started to escalate over the last few days. Grace was playing with a friend and I had to run upstars to change the baby. As I was coming back down I hear screaming. Grace had pinched her friend. I removed her from the situation and explained that pinching is not okay, it hurts. But whenever I try to do any teaching with my dd she just talks right over me, changing the subject and that just raises my blood pressure like you wouldn't believe. Even if I wait until later to try to explain what went wrong, she still doesn't listen. Today I was trying to praise her for making her bed all by herself and she just spoke over me again. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Over the weekend, I had my neighbor over for coffee and her dd and mine were watching a movie together. The girls started having a disagreement about the seating arrangements and my dd scratched her friend so hard that it was bleeding. My house is set up so that you can't see the kids in one room if you're in the next. I realize I should have been in there supervising so a lot of it is my fault. But, my friend and I were having a cup of coffee and were drinking it in the kitchen because there isn't enough room in the living room when the kids are watching a video. Anyway, I feel embarassed just pulling dd aside and telling her she may not hit/kick/spit/pinch, etc...because it happens so often I feel like a broken record and nothing changes and the behavior doesn't change. I should have posted this in the high need forum because dd is a classic example. I'm wondering if I need to get her seen by a dr. because she is SO hyperactive that I sometimes wonder if something is wrong. She pops out of bed at 6:30am and is jumping around like a mexican jumping bean all day. Even right before bed at night she's bouncing off the walls. She refuses to nap or even have a quiet time. I offer to read books but she's up and moving around in five minutes. I have a very, very hard time being around her all day. A lot of the time when she hits or hurts a friend it seems to be in the afternoon when she's tired. Not always, but a lot of the time. Other times I'm not sure what the trigger is. She also makes her own agenda and if it doesn't go according to her plan she has a fit. For example, last night she wanted to play in the sprinkler, so dh said he'd set it up. Immediately she said "I can go play in the water and my friend can come over and we'll play together then I'll go to her house and we can play some more". I said "no honey, all daddy said is that he would set up the sprinkler for you. You're making up your own plan but that's not what mommy and daddy said" This happens all the time and its a problem when she does it and her friend doesn't want to go along with it....that might be another reason for the hitting :shrug Anyway, I know some of this is off topic but it was on my mind and I wanted to share it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: canadiyank on June 18, 2007, 01:41:39 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the talking over I'd say, "Stop. You need to stop your mouth and listen to mama." Teach her about interruption and what to do..."If you want to say something while mama is talking say, 'Excuse me, please.'" Or, have her put a hand on your arm. Don't make her look in your eyes, as some people try to do that so they know the kid is "listening," but it can be shaming and is often the only time a parent makes direct eye contact. Instead I say, "You need to keep your body still and listen to mama's words." I'd also try some side-by-side stuff playing with her and bring things up. Say, if you're playing side-by-side with blocks you could bring up a situation that might happen. "Let's pretend Lilly was going to grab your blocks...what are some things we could do?" This whole discussion might be helpful, but right now you might find the "what to do in a crisis" section in Chapter 2 (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...hp?board=231.0) of Dealing With Disappointment helpful. AFA her telling you what is going to happen, like in the sprinkler scenario, she's firmly in the "words are magic" stage and thinks if she says it it's going to happen. With my dd I said things like, "Oh, that would be fun, wouldn't it?" "You wish that could happen, don't you?" (said sympathetically). She'll likely respond loudly that that's what IS going to happen. I would matter of factly say, "Today daddy's putting it up for you. Maybe another day we could have Jane to play." Before Jane comes to play I'd review about "gentle hands." I'd also get her to make amends by giving gentle touches and a verbal apology. This may have to wait a few mins. while she calms down, but it's an important part of the teaching. You might also find this thread on 3 yo's (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...topic=110105.0) helpful. HTH! :hug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: gracieannsmom on June 18, 2007, 02:39:33 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Canadiyank, I love your suggestions! Why does it always sound so simple when someone else says it? Why don't I think of these things :scratch -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: canadiyank on June 18, 2007, 09:58:26 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks, I'm glad it was helpful! ITU about other peoples' suggestions feeling helpful...sometimes we just need a fresh pair of eyes looking at the situation, kwim? That's what makes this community so fantastic, I think, the group brainstorming and hugs!! :rockon :grouphug -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: Auroras mom on June 22, 2007, 08:45:42 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crystal, when you say that the child who was hit was also wrong and needs to make amends first, I feel instinctively against that. My daughter is a frequent victim of a couple of children, one in particular. My daughter is 15 months old and the hitter is 23 months old. What my child does to provoke her is simply exisiting. My daughter will be in "her space" because we are at her house, and she will walk up and whack my baby over the head, oftentimes so unexpectedly that we can't stop it before it happens. Why should my child make amends? How was she wrong? Same thing for when they are fighting over a toy - my daughter may select a particular toy and start playing with it, and this child comes up and whacks her. I am not saying my child is a saint, heavens no - she hits us and has hit another child when she wanted a chair he was sitting in (and I feel he was an innocent victim in that situation, and she was the wrongdoer...). But anyway, I feel in these situations, at least with small toddlers, that usually there is one responsible person. Is my child "wrong" ffor being there? Should I take her home then and not inflict her presence on others because they might feel territorial and hit her? I am trying very hard to learn how to deal withthis hitting problem, both as parent of a victim and of a hitter. I also do not like the forced amends making. I need someone to explain this to me. When I was forced to do this as a child, it felt VERY shaming. It also was not sincere. Can someone talk to me about this forced amends making stuff for small children, and how it jives with AP and GD? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping Post by: canadiyank on June 22, 2007, 11:26:53 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tonya - I'm not Crystal (she's out of town right now) but I'll address your questions. First, you'll notice Crystal said *if* the child provokes they need to make amends. This is not always the case. What she was addressing is the fact in a lot of dynamics there's a hittee who actually provoked the situation. I've seen that with my dd's - the older one will collapse in a heap b/c the younger one hit her. In fact, she's just been harassing Aliah until she hit. In that case, both sides need to be addressed...certainly the hitting is wrong, but so is the harassment. Does that make more sense? Here's a quote from her post above. I don't believe she's talking about unprovoked hitting except to say that the child who hits *feels* that way, whether or not your child did something, swim? Quote:
We don't force amends. :no2 I know a lot of us were made to do forced apologies, but that's not what we're talking about here. I've actively taught my dd's what's expected, that that hurts and they need to use gentle hands, kind words replace harsh ones. Tossed off "sorry's" don't cut it and that's not "making amends," although apologizing can be part of it. I know I can't force my child's heart, but I actively encourage them to think of ways to help the other feel better. If they can't do it right then, often b/c they are too worked up and as of yet unrepentant, I'll step in and make amends for them. Usually later we'll talk about it and I'll say, "What could have you done to make it right in this situation?" We've even gone back much later to family members and made amends. :tu So, we don't force, but I do encourage them to think of how their actions affected the other person and ways in which that could be changed. It's simply part of our day, I'm teaching them to be responsible for their actions. It may not be perfect or perfectly authentic, but it's the beginnings of compassion and taking responsibility. There's lots of times as an adult I'm not particularly sorry, but I was still in the wrong and have to take responsibility for my actions. And there's lots of times, like Crystal mentioned, that the kid doesn't realize he's actually hurt someone! Yet, there's still actions that need to be made right. Does that make more sense? :) |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: saying "ouch" Post by: kosmom on March 24, 2005, 01:44:56 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I liked Joanne's advice on another thread about giving very descriptive boundaries (like "sharp!" "hot!" "ouch!", etc.) And we do that with our 19 m.o. He is very good at recognizing "hot". And sometimes it stops him in his tracks if I say "that's dada's, not kaemon's". MOST of the time he will not pursue it, unless he's just really tired or feeling really determined ;) However, the "ouch" thing is kind of wierd. He knows what it means. I think. But last night, while I was nursing dd, he was stepping on my bare feet (at first, accidentally) so I said "ouch. hurts mama" And he kind of stopped, but the second time he did it and I said "ouch, hurts mama!" a little more firmly, he looked down at my feet, stepped on them, and said "ow" "ow, ow, ow" almost like he's wanting to get the response out of me. So it makes me want to stop saying "ow". Those little Nikes HURT!!!! Any other way to teach a child that they are hurting you, without actually hurting them? (Which is the only advice I had ever gotten before GCM...if they bite you, bite them back gently...if they pull your hair, tug on theirs....) I want to find a better way, but I also want him to stop hurting us intentionally. And at least it is not very often that he does this, and it's never "his" idea to start it...he does it as a response to an accident. So maybe, in a way, he is exploring what "hurt" is all about, and will eventually "get it"? It's almost like he's conducting an experiment to see what happens when he steps on toes, presses on heads (his baby sisters), squeezes wrists, "drums" on my legs, etc. Any ideas? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: saying "ouch" Post by: Quietspirit on March 25, 2005, 06:48:18 AM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ He is very young. And you are right in that he is figuring it out by doing. That's very normal developmentally. You can tell him, holding his hand or foot firmly, "NO. Hitting (stomping, biting) hurts!" Make it firm not gentle. He needs to hear it in your voice (not yelling of course...more like lower and firm) that this is different than game time, play time, cuddle time, etc. By using a lower firm voice combined with "NO. Hitting hurts" while physically stopping him he should get the message. You can also move away from him while he does it. Not out of the room of course, but several feet away. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: How do I handle this? Post by: Mama Rophe on February 10, 2006, 10:35:36 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 19 month old will hit and bite us. It is not done out of anger sometimes frustration. Mostly he does it when he is playing. We tell him that hitting isn't right. But he just laughs and contunues to do it. What can we do to help him stop this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: milkmommy on February 10, 2006, 10:49:39 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hitting and biting whie playing or other forms of aggression (even if not intentional) with mommy means mommy stops playing and walks away for a bit. Its inaapropiate so we stop. Deanna --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: lavender mom on February 10, 2006, 11:47:30 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 16 month old DD does this on occassion (she also does it in anger, but that's a different thing!) When she's doing it as a sort of rough play, we say "gentle pats." Usually that's enough to change her behavior, but sometimes well also pat her gently to show her what a "gentle pat" is. When she bites in playfulness, we tell her to give us kisses instead ("gentle kisses") , and that seems to help her too. I'm sort of surprised that this one works, but I've used it with both kids, and it hasn't confused them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :arrow Title: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: sadiesmommy on December 20, 2007, 11:32:22 PM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DD has been hitting me, the dog, DH, and everyone for a few months. I've thought it was just infant jerky motions and exploring her world, so all I have done is say "gentle," and given her the sign for gentle. She looks at me, but it doesn't seem like she really gets it. Lately she's been hitting me, scratching me, etc. When I tell her to be gentle, with a sad look on my face (sometimes I say, "That hurts mommy.") she sometimes thinks its funny and does it more. If I were of the *other* persuasion, I would think she was being defiant, but I don't *think* she is. Is she? And if so, what do I do to help her stop this? It's hurting all family members, and even little buddies at play group. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: OpalsMom on December 21, 2007, 11:35:00 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I only do "gentle" if it looks like the kid is trying to be gentle and is accidentally being too rough. I mean, if I'm MAD or even just EXCITED, gentle touching just doesn't get at what I'm trying to express... Here's what I do, and what I did starting when she started hitting people. I said "Ow! That hurts! I don't play with people who hurt me." Then I separated us enough for her to get the point. When we got together again, I would show her an acceptable way to express what I thought she was trying to get at; she could hit an object if she was mad, she could play pattycake or high-five or sign "play" if she wanted to play. She's not being defiant. She's not capable of being defiant. She's experimenting. But that doesn't mean she gets to hurt people. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: graceful mama on December 21, 2007, 11:45:13 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- good response so far... For us, I would help her pet the dog gently and show her how that makes him soooo happy! (very animated). I had the problem of her laughing when hurting me clamping down hard nursing - I also had to remove her - I would say sternly "Ow! Biting hurts mommy!" and quickly place her down and turn my back on her. Sounds terribly rude, but anything else got laughs so... After a minute she would be upset and I would pick her up and love on her and say "I love you, but you can't bite mommy". She learned very quickly. I also used the "You hit you sit" from Dr Sears. If she was hitting, I'd warn her, distract her etc, IF she persisted in hitting. I would calmly say "Ok, you need to sit in your chair and calm down for a minute. You can play with mommy again when you are ready to be gentle". That worked very well from even b4 a year old. No set time or ignoring her - just a place for her to calm down (like a high chair or swing). As soon as she asked to be picked up again, that was ok. We would talk about being kind and practice gentle touch. If they find that hitting separates them from you, they learn quickly that it's not acceptable. But of course, not separate in the sense of rejection. We have always used a chair as a place for her to calm down. Even now, she will sit there and start praying for Jesus to help her be calm and kind or to obey or whatever. So cute! It's not a negative thing in her mind. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: gentlebirth on December 21, 2007, 11:52:22 AM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What she's doing is totally normal for her age. She's really incapable of empathy yet, because she's still learning cause and effect for her own body. ;) At that age, what we typically do is say a gentle, firm: "No! Ouch! That hurts", and then involve her in another fun reaction game (since playful reaction seems to be what she's wanting). Distraction or redirection is your best bet. :yes Peekaboo, nose honking games, reacting is a crazy way to a repetitive gentle touch from her...all good ways to give her the fun she's wanting. :) :heart ETA: TBH, at 11mo, I doubt she lacks the ability to connect "you hit you sit" with her actions, because she's not really losing control. She's just using an immature, baby way to get your attention. :hug You can enforce your physical boundaries and fulfill her need for attention painlessly by giving her another appropriate game. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: She's hurting us! Post by: TuneMyHeart on May 03, 2007, 02:45:03 PM ======================================== Ellie is beating us up. :jawdrop Even the poor dog and cat are getting abused. I'm assuming this is normal for a 14 month old, and I've been showing her how to gently touch us and the animals. For a while, when I said "Be gentle," she would softly rub me. But lately she's just throwing herself onto us, pulling hair (especially when she's on my back), smacking and kicking us while playing... Yesterday, she was so mad when I tried to put her in her carseat, so I stopped and let her nurse. She bit me! Today, she pulled the cat's hair and without even thinking, I smacked her hand. :cry I honestly can't believe I did that. What else can I do? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: She's hurting us! Post by: OpalsMom on May 03, 2007, 02:55:55 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The trick is to show her other ways to do what she wants to do. If she wants to roughhouse, being gentle may not be enough; if she's mad, it's unlikely to be satisfying. So she needs a way to be wild without hurting you, and a way to be mad without hurting you. Foot stomping and hitting the carseat worked for us at that age as ways to be mad. As for the cat and the dog, they don't understand roughhousing, so it's pretty much "You need to be gentle with the animals or not be near them. It's not safe." As for biting when nursing, that's how DD taught me that comfort nursing was not her idea of a solution for anger. (She was younger than your DD then). How do I know that punitive discipline is not immediately effective? She had to bite me 4 times before I got it, and if biting a nipple isn't punitive, I don't know what is! Anyway, unless you have good reason to believe it usually works, I'd drop the comfort nursing for anger. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: She's hurting us! Post by: TuneMyHeart on May 03, 2007, 04:26:38 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you so much, that makes sense. I didn't realize the comfort nursing while angry wasn't working. I'm so used to nursing her when she's upset. She's bit me a few times lately and it's always when she's comfort nursing. She's a huge comfort nurser. I really have to pay attention to her when we're playing or I just about lose an eye. :rolleyes Today she hit my nose so hard that I thought for sure it was bleeding. She's just playing and being silly though. Does a 14 month old have complete control over their body? Any ideas on how to teach her not to pull my hair while on my back? It's getting frustrating. I can give her a toy or something to hold, but it isn't long until she throws it down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Title: Re: She's hurting us! Post by: abbzchld on May 03, 2007, 04:30:31 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------ :hug2 My 16 month is into head butting and bloodied my nose tonight. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: She's hurting us! Post by: BornFreeBaby on May 03, 2007, 09:27:45 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It doesn't seem to me that my almost 14 month old has an impulse control. The hitting seems to be an expression of her excitement or her way of trying to get her energy out. I don't think that she can really control it at this age, like her super he-man strength grip- she just grabs my arm (or other nipple not in use) and yow! she can really squeeze the heck out of us. What I realize having the older one, is that this is a stage and it will pass- its very very normal. I just try to tell her what to do and show her how- then change whatever we were doing to another activity. Sometimes the hitting can also be an expression of her frustration with me or the situation and she doesn't know how to verbalize it. It will pass! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Title: Re: She's hurting us! Post by: mamaKristin on May 04, 2007, 01:34:59 PM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lot of times, little ones get frustrated by their lack of words to express themselves, so they use their bodies (hands, arms, legs and teeth) to do what their words cannot. Doesn't mean it's ok, but that it's not abnormal either. ;) Does she show a pattern as to what sets her off? Is she frustrated? Tired? Hungry? I know when my kids were at that age, they would often be more physically expressive, and I had to tighten up my personal boundaries to keep myself safe, and from reacting badly in return. A hit was generally met with a "you may not hurt mommy", while moving out of range. Physical hurting would stop our games or play temporarily to show that the behavior was unacceptable. Not in a mean way, but just a "you hit mom, mom stops the game" kind of way. =========================================== :arrow Title: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting... Post by: canadiyank on June 25, 2006, 04:37:12 PM =========================================== Ok, dd2 is almost 19 mos. and starting the hitting stage...I need a refresher course on what to do! Mostly it's directed at dd1 for no discernable reason; dd1 then falls apart, screaming and crying (which I tend to see as overreacting), which exacerbates the problem. We've taught dd1 to say, "Stop, that hurts! Gentle, gentle." And usually dd2 pats her or hugs her, making amends. But I just can't figure out why she's hitting, other than she's 18 mos. Oh! She *just* did it. Apparently dd1 was in her path. :think I did the "sympathize with the victim, correct the aggressor thing" and it seemed to work. :think I forget - is this just one of these things she'll outgrow and I keep up with the constant reminders? LOL! I haven't dealt with this in years! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting... Post by: hsgbdmama on June 25, 2006, 05:27:58 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :hugheart Set expectations, set expectations, set expectations and repeat them often. :yes For example, I had an issue with ds1 when going to the library -- he'd haul off and hit another kid if they took something away from him. :wow So what I did (and this requires absolute consistency from me as the parent) was to set the expectation(s) and the consequence(s) and repeat them often; so using my example: Once or twice before we got in the car to go to the library, I would tell him that he is not to hit anyone and to play nicely, otherwise we would leave. Stated the expectation in the car on the way there. Stated the expectation once more when we parked. Then follow through. Ds1 got one warning and if he did it again, I followed up with the action of leaving -- yes, we left with him hollering. Yes, I had to physically pick him up and carry him out, with him hollering. But with consistency, he knew I meant business and he started abiding by the rules. There were times when I was not consistent, :O and I definitely saw the difference. :/ So to help set him up for success, I made sure I was being consistent. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting... Post by: hink4687 on June 26, 2006, 08:31:45 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jodi- At what age do you think they really start understanding this though? My DS is almost 16 months and we're having hitting problems too (and pinching, biting, etc). I've been pulling him away from the situation and holding him on my lap while I tell him not to hit people, we touch softly and showing him how. He sometimes seems to get it because he'll go back and touch real softly and other times he just goes back and hits again. But my deal with leaving is I really don't think he'd care at all, so I don't feel like it would really make a difference because he never seems to mind change in scenery. And I know this may be a dumb question but at this age can he truly understand if I tell him in advance. I usually do tell him everything regardless if he understands or not because I know at some point he will but isn't he still a bit young? I'm obviously a FTM here! ;) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting... Post by: canadiyank on June 26, 2006, 09:19:07 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's ok if he doesn't mind a change in scenery...it's not supposed to be punishment, but a way to alleviate the situation, if that makes sense. I do talk to her, telling her things in advance, not sure if she completely understands, but it's good training for me. ;) She does say, "Yeah" in response. I'm remembering Joanne said to find the reason behind the behaviour and address that...I think in our case it's frustration, so I'm trying to think of things that can address that... :think -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting... Post by: OpalsMom on June 26, 2006, 10:22:51 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- With my DD, "Don't hit" (however you phrase it, including "be gentle", "soft touch", etc. etc. etc.) never worked. I suppose sheer repetition might have succeeded eventually. What did work was to figure out what her goal was, and offer her an acceptable way to that goal. Something angry to do when she was angry; a vigorous way to ask to play when she wanted to play; words when she's frustrated... When we couldn't figure out what her goal was, we tried suggesting things (usually active, vigorous things) either on wild guesses at her goal or just pure "something else physical you could do". Usually we got a kind of hot-and-cold calibration out of that (like if you suggest an angry dance and she give you the "what drugs are YOU on" look, that probably wasn't the right answer...) ======================================== :arrow Title: How to GD a 16month old......... Post by: purplerose on January 09, 2007, 01:03:03 PM ======================================== who hits, bites and throws toys all the time at me. He only does it to me. It's when he is mad and/or frustrated. And he chucks toys HARD!!! He will hit me, bite me and has even thrown himself on the floor and bang his head. I've tried to gently, but firmly tell him "NO. Hands are not for hitting", etc. But he just gets madder and does it more. So then I whip out the boobie and let him nurse for a minute and then he's fine. He's starting to do it to the other kiddos and I don't like it. HELP!!! :) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old......... Post by: ArmsOfLove on January 09, 2007, 01:09:02 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how verbal is he? what have you done to focus on teaching him how to communicate and get his needs met? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old......... Post by: gentlemommy on January 10, 2007, 11:39:44 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When dd hits or bites, it's hard for her to just stop that behavior. So I sometimes redirect it. "No you may not bite mommy. That's owie for mommy. If you need to bite, you may bite this book." I was worried it might be confusing for her but she recently started to bite me, shook her head, and then grabbed one of her board books to bite down on. Also...are you doing sign language? That helps dd communicate and cuts down on her frustration levels. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old......... Post by: canadiyank on January 11, 2007, 11:51:26 AM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For biting, could he be teething? For hitting, I stop, redirect, and try to address the behaviour behind the hitting. "Stop hitting, owie...let's high five!" And then try to determine the cause behind it, "Wow, you're angry! Let's jump up and down to get the angries out." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old......... Post by: purplerose on January 15, 2007, 12:53:29 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back. I've tried to ask my baby what he wnats when he gtes like this " Do you want nursies" Do you want juice? Eat? ETC. No, I don't use sign language with him. When he does bit or hit, I will say "No. Hands are not for hitting. If you want to hit, hit this pillow". I will tell him "Biting and hitting hurts mommy". He will only do it to me. It's getting better, now that I'm trying to understand what he's trying to tell me! It's frustrating with a 16 month old who can't really verbally commyunicate. :) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old......... Post by: canadiyank on January 15, 2007, 01:59:19 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a small note, I read once that small repetitive movements (like hitting a pillow) actually build stress, whereas large body movements (jumping, dancing, running, etc.) relieve stress, so I have found it helps to suggest the large body mvt's instead of hitting (I understand what you're saying - this is better to hit than mommy :giggle ) but actually to help calm him and learn how to self-calm large body mvt's are more helpful. Glad things are going better - it really does help when you realize they're trying to communicate something. :tu |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
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:arrow Title: Argh, the futility!! Post by: DanceThen on April 11, 2008, 11:49:39 AM ====================================== I am trying so hard (in my own mind that is) to gently discipline my kids. But the SCREAMING and the HITTING I see from my 2-y-o drives me insaneo! And I KNOW the other moms we play with (who are all VERY good friends of mine) think I am letting him off too easy after he hits one of their kids and/or screams in their faces. (When that happens, I tell him to stop his hand/voice/offending-part and I also make him stop if he does not immediately stop himself. Then I tell him that hitting hurts (or screaming hurts or ears) and I point at the kid he offended and say "look at his face; you hurt him" OR "hitting hurts" or "he is sad because he is hurt!" but then after that I kind of am at a loss. I have Pie-oh-my say "I'm sorry" but I KNOW it doesn't mean anything to him, and Pie LOOKS sheepish but it doesn't really stop him from exhibiting the behavior, again, like 20 minutes later. ARGH!) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: CapeTownMommy on April 11, 2008, 12:58:53 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dd is younger than either of your dcs, so take what I say with a pinch of salt, but here goes: I would encourage "gentle touches" after hitting - either on you (show Mommy that you know gentle touches, come on, touch Mommy gently, OK now remember that's how you touch your friends) or on the offended party - have them offer a hug, maybe? Also, if the behavior gets repeated, I'd institute a consequence - if you can't play without hitting your friends, you have to sit here by Mommy so that Mommy can help you stop yourself from hitting. Or something related to the reason for hitting - if you can't share your toys without hitting, the toys get put away for a while. Something like that. I don't think you're being permissive, but having clear consequences for hitting or screaming will also help your friends see that you're not letting him off without consequences. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: OpalsMom on April 11, 2008, 01:07:59 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would shadow your child, looking for what sets him off. Then intervene BEFORE he hits or screams, and provide a replacement behavior. He doesn't like kids getting too close? Coach him to move away. He's reacting to them taking toys? He can say "I don't like that", he can play with something else. If you can't prevent it, you should still look to see what's triggering it and provide some other way to do what he needs to do. Just trying to get him to stop isn't going to work. He needs to know what to do instead. (And his next 20 guesses are going to be as bad as his first 2!) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: DanceThen on April 14, 2008, 08:02:20 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks gals, that is super helpful. I just needed a couple more things to remember to focus on -- now I just need to print out your responses and glue them to the wall of my kitchen. Thank you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: Susan K on April 16, 2008, 05:25:56 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My soon to be four year old ds was a hitter. I kept a close eye on him. When he hit he would need to spend some time with mommy. To many times of hitting then we would go home. It does get better. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: NovelMama on April 18, 2008, 08:20:18 AM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey girl! This is the first time I've seen one of your posts. :) Does he do this more at playdates and such, or does he do it with Pants and daycare kid too? If it's mostly a playdate thing, then maybe it's the excitement of seeing friends, or the chaos of a bunch of kids running around, that is setting him off--like, it's an energy release, you know? In which case, maybe modeling other ways to release energy--jumping, dancing, etc.--would help. Also, I think I saw a book at Borders called "Hands Are Not For Hitting" or something like that. Anyone else ever seen that and know if it's any good? Maybe reading that (like, once or twice a day!) would help. :) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: DanceThen on April 25, 2008, 08:19:14 PM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ooops, I start these threads with great enthusiasm and then totally forget about them. Well, it's escalated. He hits with his hands or with whatever toy he happens to be holding; he "bumps" (sidles up to and then throws a shoulder or elbow at), and once he's got the other kid on the ground, he LAYS ON TOP OF THEM. He also bit his sister twice this afternoon, leaving dreadful welts. He only bites Pants. The other kids, he "bumps" and hits. He usually shows some remorse immediately following. He will say he is sorry and show a "gentle touch" (if they even let him get close to them, that is) -- he will run and get that child's fave blanket or toy to help them feel better... but he doesn't STOP the behaviour! Much of the time it is totally unprovoked and unpredictable. He will just go up to a kid and whack the kid on the head. Ouch!! :no2 :cry --------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: Amber on April 25, 2008, 10:35:24 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------- If this was happening with my two year old I would right with him at all times, so that I could intercept his aggression (I know that is easier said than done :hug) I would also start making my expectation very clear. On the way to a play date I would go over the rules, then again before going inside. After the first aggression I would let him know that if it happened again we would have to leave...and stick to it. I know it isn't fair to your other child to have to leave something fun because your ds is acting out, but this will pass and it is so much more important to keep everyone safe. Have you looked into any possible food allergies? I know that dairy, for one, can cause some pretty big behavioral problems. As can some food dyes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 25, 2008, 11:05:09 PM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- he is communicating with the only way he knows how. He needs more space than he's getting and he is protecting his toys. IT's not fair to remove him without equipping him to set boundaries more respectfully. He can be taught phrases or sign language for "I need space" "That is my toy" and to ask you for help :tu If he's a hitter give him an appropriate way to get his hitting out. A pillow or a boppy. I wouldn't have him say he's sorry because he probably isn't. But I would make sure *I* apologize for him and remove him from play until he's ready to apologize *and* make amends. Start looking for the motivator for the hitting and that will be a big clue into what is going on in your little guys' mind :) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Argh, the futility!! Post by: DanceThen on April 26, 2008, 12:43:22 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good stuff, one and all. Thanks. We don't "do" food allergies in my fam :giggle (meaning we have been fortunate so far -- and meaning I hadn't considered that!) Thanks for the info; I'll do some research. He does speak VERY well so I bet I could teach him to say what he's feeling. I do need to keep a closer watch on him -- of course that is difficult but it's worth it (and by writing it down here, I'm more likely to hold myself accountable, if that makes sense). AJ, I have heard of that book but only in the context that it's somewhat inaccurate: Teeth ARE for biting... FOOD. Feet ARE for kicking... a soccer ball. But I could rephrase it (it's not like he can read). I should definitely try to find a copy. ===================================== :arrow Title: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: hink4687 on April 19, 2006, 08:30:29 PM ==================================== My DS has starting slapping my face when he's in the sling. He thinks its funny and I have no clue how to stop this. I've been taking his hands and placing them on my face and saying touch gently please but he just thinks that's even funnier and slaps me harder. He's a very hyper little guy and I feel like this is probably age appropriate (I just started reading "your one year old" by ames). But one of my biggest issues is he always does this when we are out and about and I feel like other people are thinking, my goodness momma...get control of your child! :( I want to be a gentle mom but in the midst of it I'm afraid I'm becoming too permissive. How do I find this balance? Ok...rambling off on a whole different topic... Anyone have any specific suggestions on how I should deal with his behavior? Thanks! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: the princess kitty on April 19, 2006, 08:36:49 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dd was the same age when she started doing things like that. I wouldn't hold her when she did. I put her down and told her she hurt me, and I was not going to allow her to hurt me. It helped. She has gotten the message. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: hink4687 on April 19, 2006, 08:47:22 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------ That sounds great in theory but how do you do that when your walking through the mall or somewhere like that. I don't wear him all that much at home unless he's super fussy that day so I'm typically always out and about and since he can't walk I can't just put him on the ground in the middle of the grocery store. kwim? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: raisa on April 19, 2006, 08:53:20 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------- I try to watch for signs that he's about to hit, and forcibly grab his hands to stop it if necessary. I've had some luck with redirecting -- something specific and positive, like "high five" or "pat my hair," or a toy or something to fiddle with. If that doesn't work I move myself out of the way. If he does it while nursing I'll stop nursing. I would stop in the middle of the mall if that's what it took. If you have a grocery cart you could strap him in the seat. Or just stop walking and hold his hands still until he stops. If he really persists I'd just try to finish up and get him out of the mall so you can move on. At this age they are learning "cause and effect" and love to play little games -- so if you do something like yelp "no!" in a funny voice each time, they will keep doing it just to hear the yelp. They don't understand that it hurts your face. They are just playing "hit-yelp." So, I try to be totally low key and not call a lot of attention to it. Permissive would be letting yourself get hurt just to avoid setting a boundary. There are lots of ways to set boundaries and start teaching him about not hitting. it helps think of it as an ongoing process, not an instant fix. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: hink4687 on April 19, 2006, 09:03:05 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question on nursing. Most of our nusing sessions are right before bedtime or naptimes. If DS slaps me then and I end the nursing session he's not going to take his nap. He doesn't fall asleep nursing but he's gets so drowsy and lays down with no whimpers once he's done. I don't want him to think he's won by getting to go play instead but I don't want to pull him off the breast and then put him in his crib to cry. So how on earth do you get away with this without letting him CIO. Is there some point when a little crying is ok because it still doesn't feel right to me and if so at what point does it change from letting a baby cry to not giving a toddler his way. kwim? This age is starting to get hard for me! Sorry lots of questions! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: the princess kitty on April 19, 2006, 09:16:46 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
Quote:
I don't think that is CIO, so someone correct me if I'm wrong. The difference being the child knows you are still there trying to comfort them, and are ready to hold them, once they stop being abusive. They are not alone and crying wondering where is my mommy. Someone correct me if I'm wrong. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: hiddenhippie6 on April 19, 2006, 09:33:29 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When my dc were that age I would tell them," no, no, touch nice" and gently guide their hand and show them how to touch me or whoever softly. Of course lots of praise then for "touching nicely" It only took a few times and they got it. :tu --------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: raisa on April 19, 2006, 09:47:28 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------- At that age I was able to set him down, then pick him up thirty seconds later and it would all be behind us. There's no magic formula for what to do, the point is just to not let yourself get hit. I'd say you need to listen to your heart on whether to keep nursing or set your child down in his crib. There are a lot of options between getting hit in the face and leaving him to cry alone if you don't want to. Can you restrain his hands? Change positions so he can't reach your face? (I've rocked a lot in the "bear hug" position with him facing away). Give a little stuffed animal or toy for him to play with? Try a nursing necklace? Turn the lights down so he can't see you as well? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: jujubnme on April 19, 2006, 09:50:38 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If he really likes hitting, can you teach him to do a high-five instead? I know some other families with active boys where this worked really well. :tu --------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: raisa on April 20, 2006, 09:20:55 AM --------------------------------------------------------------------- :yes We do lots of "contact patty-cake" at my house :) Or "shaking hands," where he starts to hit, I grab his hand and then sing a little "shaky shaky" song. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: 13 month old hitting...what do i do??!! Post by: mommy2abigail on April 20, 2006, 01:13:28 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, dd (12.5 months) does the same thing .She also grabs my glasses and throws them down. I mean throws them. SO when she is hitting, I say, "Thats hurts mama, be gentle" and I physically ake her hand and stroke my face with it. She now strokes my face gently (well as gentle as a one year old can be!) when I say be gentle. With the glasses, when she grabs them, I hold her hand and say, "Let go" then if she doesn't I physically pry her fingers off, while repeating "let go." Then I am telling her what to do, and helping her follow through when she cant or wont do it. I would nt say that she is out of control because she is grabbing my glasses or smacking me. Shes one. |
Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting
================================================
:arrow Title: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: mom2chrisnluke on July 08, 2008, 03:35:27 PM ================================================ OMGoodness......this is getting out of control! My middle son has been one to lash out, well now that we are all together all summer, it is getting out of control, EVERYONE IS HITTING EVERYONE ELSE! Everytime I turn around they are hitting eachother, I have tried talking with them, consequences, making it right, sitting out, going to your rooom to cool down. My middle son always has a "reason" like " he was touching me, he was snatching my toy, he tried to tell me what to do!" Well of course they are all starting with excuses! I have gone to great lengths to explain -there is no reason to hurt your family!!!!! But it seems this is not sinking in.....I need a major wake up call in my house! DH and I do not hit at all as in spanking or anything like that, and we never have so why oh why has this become the normal response in my home? Please does anyone have any advice???? HELP!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: ShangriLewis on July 08, 2008, 03:49:23 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have three sons and they do get physical at times. Honestly it does sound like you need a call. A call to get out. I would take everyone for a long hike, day at the beach, park or whatever place that is a outside use your imagination and your body type of place. You can't punish it out of them, but you can wear it out of them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: Rea T on July 12, 2008, 04:57:24 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh my goodness, I'm in the same boat. At least J does not hit back (unless pushed to the brink) but K is constantly hitting, hitting, hitting. He will just walk over to J and start hitting him. Yesterday I was trying to wash dishes. Wash a dish half way, go in and separate children, finish washing dish, go in and separate children, wash another dish half way, go in and separate children. That is why nothing gets done around here! And then there are the fights over toys, or who gets what cup, or 'K is teasing me'. Aaargh! I've tried getting them out to wear them out, but neither one is very heat tolerant and if we just go outside J wants to go back in after about 2 minutes. Go to a park and in 5 minutes he's begging to go home and K is screaming because he wants to stay and it is no calmer than before. About the only good choice is the pool, which doesn't open until 1, which is K's naptime. Not to mention the gas to drive all the way across town to one I am comfortable with both of them being in. I'll probably finally find a solution about the time summer is over. :/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: emmalouise on July 12, 2008, 05:20:59 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :hug Argh, I feel for you. I recently saw a suggestion of punching bags and drums in the comfort corner for boys. So maybe saying "We don't hit people in our family. If you feel like hitting, you can hit this bag or bang on the drum, then come back to join us when you are ready to use gentle hands." I haven't had to try things like that yet though, we're not in sibling territory for another few months... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 13, 2008, 10:28:19 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At 4 children perceive everything as a threat and a perceived threat is a real attack. Work with him on using his words. At that age I have a very strong rule that if you ask for help I will defend your boundary; if you use physical violence you lose whatever you were protecting. Emphasize making amends. Give them lots of opportunity to play outside and away from one another. Limit screen time--I find it increases aggression when they get too much. Make sure everyone is sleeping well. And I would work very actively with your 7yo about how to respect boundaries and recognize even non-verbal cues that things are going badly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: Rea T on July 14, 2008, 10:01:20 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 14, 2008, 01:03:26 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At that point the reality of who had it first is irrelevant. At that point an object has become more important than the relationship and people are more important than things so the thing goes away until the people are treating each other well. Also, when the 4yo would come to me I'd ask if they used their words first. If not, I'd give them the script and send them back to tell their brother, "I was playing with that. You need to give it back to me." And I'd remind them to come get me if their brother doesn't. At the point where they've been fighting all along I'd go with the 4yo and stand there while they use their words. And I would offer the 6yo he can have the next turn. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: Rea T on July 14, 2008, 02:39:54 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wow, I think I just felt my paradigm shift. :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: Hitting, Hitting and more hitting, I can't make it stop!!!! Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 15, 2008, 10:15:13 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :giggle We need a paradigm shift emoticon :hug |
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