help me with my comfort corner
 

i've never really used one effectively so i'm wondering if those of you who have found success with theirs could share what they've done, what it looks like when kiddos need to go there, and what, overall, you have found to be successful about it.

:cookie

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

UUUUUmmmm :think usually I just put her in the chair with some books... Im not really super creative or whatever about it. I just say "okay, you need a break" and she is able to calm down that way. She cannot stand me being near her, so its not really a cuddling time or anything like that, me touching her or being near her annoys her even more.

not much help am I?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

oh, what it looks like when kids need to go there... I do it when she is just getting amped up about things that really, there is not anything I can do about and I dont want to be "held hostage" by her outburts.
For example: when she starts really pestering her brother and she starts growling at him, or hitting, or taking toys away. No matter how much I am trying to "teach" appropriate ways, shes just locked in to this negative head space... she just needs a break. Sometimes he will pester, we can teach through it and its fine, no chair needed.

:shrug

sorry Im so bad at explaining things

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

okay, i'm ready to get a comfort corner.
is there a sticky with the basics/ how to/ when to etc that i could look at?
do you use it where a time out used to apply?
my middle one needs something like this in particular, but i'm not sure how to 'do it'. so that it doesn't feel like a time out to him or me.

tia

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

there was a sticky--it's gone :( was going to get a new one up and might just use this thread :D

Basically, a comfort corner is any space that is in the living space but not central--I've seen them in corners, under stairs, at the end of a couch in a family room, in a room off of the main space, etc. Some people with little room will designate a chair or area to be the comfort space. In an actual comfort corner you can have your child(ren) help with interior design. Include things like pillows, child sized chairs, books, tapes and headphones, stuffed animals--the things that bring comfort to them and will help them relax.

When my kids get obnoxious or stuck in some negative behavior, uncooperative, etc., then I would say to them, "Hey, take a break in the comfort corner." If they resist then I use the Five Steps and helping means I go there with them--cuddle, read to them, sing to them, etc. The one big rule is that the poor behavior is never discussed in the comfort corner.

The child can come out when they think they are ready to rejoin the group and be cooperative/respectful/whatever. If they misjudge ;) then they get to go back until they are ready.

Does that help?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Ours is a nice, comfy recliner in the living room, but off to the side. I have a small pillow and afghan there. We have books and stuffed animals.

When Rebecca stops cooperating or hits, I tell her "it's time to go cuddle" and I will take her to the chair and cover her with the afghan. Sometimes I will sit with her, other times I will let her sit by herself. Sometimes she gets a snack, other times not. It really helps her settle down so she can talk about what is bothering her. She has, out of the blue, apologized for her behavior. I don't ask her too, though.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

We have a rocking chair in the corner of their room next to the bookshelf. Honestly, though, I use whatever quiet spot is closest - recliner, couch, dining room chair, even a step stool in the kitchen. As long as they can be still and I can see them ;) it works for us.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I did want to say that being still is not something required in the general comfort corner--just calming down;)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

i see. it's more like a *time in* than a *time out.* meaning, not punitive, obviously. and is a totally positive place to be.

when *do* you discuss the behavior? before? after? do you at all? specifically with a 2.5-3 yo spirited boy.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

It sounds like a great idea to me! The question is...how do I sell dh on it when he will only accuse me of rewarding bad behavior? He still is struggling with GBD - he laughs hysterically when I offer to help ds do something I've asked. Any suggestions?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Good questions all :)

I usually find that I don't need to specifically address the behavior--usually the child will actively reconnect, often including unsolicited apology, when they come out feeling better. Remember, it's based on the principle that people who feel good, act good :) Although, I might prompt certain children or on certain days with, "I think we should reconnect before we go on. That was really rough on me. Is there a way you can make amends for what happened back there?" Otherwise I try to be like the father of the prodigal son and run to them as soon as I see them coming, and hug them, and then we go on together through the day :)

I am working on character development all the time and I really believe what Becky Bailey says in "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline", which is that you get more of what you focus on. For this reason I try to not focus on the negative behavior. I might comment that I am enjoying them more when they come back with a good attitude, or thank them for cooperating as they do. But I focus my attention on when they are behaving well. I also would actively work on teaching to any chronic issues we're struggling. I love pulling out my KONOS books and doing a week or two of focusing on a character issue that we need some attention on. It's a backdoor approach that is less resisted by children (and adults) and as I teach how *to* behave, and fill their mind with God's thoughts and my own on a subject, it takes root and grows into better behavior.

As for the idea of rewarding poor behavior, If you aren't actively high fiving and saying "awesome" about their poor behavior then you aren't rewarding or encouraging it. I've never thanked my child for yelling or said that if they did I'd give them ice cream ;) But if I come over and you've been having a bad day and not behaving well (maybe grousing or yelling at the kids, not doing your responsibilities around the house, etc) which would you prefer me to do:

1) "I'm disgusted at the way you've been behaving today. Your children deserve better than this. What kind of a mother do you think you are? You need to go into your room for 30 minutes (1 minute per year ;) ) and really think about how bad you are. I will come and get you in 1/2 hour and then I will be nice to you."

or

2) "Wow, you're having a bad day. How about I watch the kids for a bit and you go get a cup of coffee and take a break :cup Come back when you're feeling better and if you want to talk about what's going on we can do it then." :hug

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

okay, this is hilarious. :)

i've really been reminded A LOT lately that we are to treat our children as we treat other adults. and as we want other adults to treat us. and as we want our children to treat us. thanks for these reminders!

i've had unsolicited apologies before, so i know what you mean by that. but sometimes henry just starts apologizing for stuff that's silly, he's just talking and not really apologizing for anything -- nothing needs to be apologized for. and sometimes i think he's just saying he's sorry because it's been modelled to him, not because he knows what he's saying. i do request apologies, saying something like, "would you like to tell mommy you're sorry for X" and he nearly always says he's sorry. i guess asking like that, IMO, is encouraging good skills, not making him apologize, kwim? off subject, i know. but i guess it applies because the cuddle corner *is* a disciplinary tool, isn't it? and it's best to be teaching kiddos that an apology should follow an offense, right? mostly through modeling, but does prompting hurt?

are there times that you insist a child go to the cuddle corner, even though they resist? is this a normal occurance, to resist it? henry will tell me, "i don't want to sit here!" and he'll be screaming, etc. i understand you say you use the five steps to get them there, so i'm assuming that the cuddle corner is not optional. is it perceived as a time out if the child doesn't want to go there? does it matter if the child finds it a negative place to be, even though it really is not a negative place, even though there are comforting things there, etc.

thanks for bearing with me. i'm hoping to *really* work on this these next few weeks. dh is intrigued and impressed with the super nanny's naughty step and i understand why -- it really works to mention the naughty chair and get good behavior. :rolleyes :( so i want an effective alternative that he won't find permissive.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

If they resist, then I go with them. And I ask them how I can help them get in a better mood. IOW, I make it a positive place to be and realize that their resistance is because they are feeling bad. :( So I work hard to help them feel better. That looks different for each child.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

We haven't had to use the Comfort Corner for awhile with my oldest, but there was a period of time where we were dealing with lots of outbursts (and were coming out of a punitive streak) and I found it so helpful.

Dd's comfort corner was a rocking chair in my bedroom. She was allowed to have whatever she needed to get her calm, but I generally offered her books, her baby or another stuffed animal, her blankie, and food or drink (since I think some of her outbursts were and still are related to low blood sugar). Anyway, if she was getting out of control, I directed her to the comfort corner. (It was never, "You're being bad, you have to go sit there.") We talked a lot about the comfort corner when she wasn't in the comfort corner so that she would understand that it was a safe place for her to get control of her big feelings. There were a few times that she resisted and I had to carry her there, but this was still done in a gentle, respectful way - "You're having a hard time right now. Mommy is going to help you with your big feelings." I always gave her the choice to be alone or have me stay. At first, she always wanted me to stay and I think this is because we had used negative time-outs at one point. When she realized that this was for her benefit (and not a punishment) she almost always chose to be alone. I always brought her water (screaming makes your throat sore, LOL!) and tissues to wipe her tears and this was beneficial for both of us because she felt nurtured AND it brought out the nurturing in me because sometimes being nurturing was the last thing I wanted to do!

HTH! This is one of the best tools in my toolbox! :)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Crystal, I didn't mean still as in "You must sit and not move". :) Just "You need to stay here until you've calmed down." It just doesn't work for us to have a comfort corner in another room most of the time.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

We have a really comfy living room. Right now I'm on the Green Chair (It's a chair and a half). Escher got a pillow and a blanket and he snuggled up with me. He's really cranky and could probably use a nap, but I think it's too late. We have the green chair with ottoman, my grandma's rocking chair has a small sheepskin on it, my mom's kid size rocking chair and two couches. I keep lots of pillows and blankets everywhere. That way if someone needs a rest they can get it. We have alot of books and books on tapes from the library. Books are usually lying all over the place. I can't imagine having another corner :mrgreen

That being said the boys usually go to my room if they need a break. Gibran (8) takes green bunny and sometimes a book on tape. Porter(5) takes purple frog and a Dr. Suess book. Sometimes I join them. If they are really upset we talk about it. I always talk with them and sometimes pray if they were really upset or hurt someone.

Gibran likes to go upstairs if the other boys are bothering him and it's making him "cranky." He is actually doing very well with giving himself breaks. I think it's getting easier with having more kids. Gibran really models to the younger ones. And, we try to model to the boys.

If I get upset with Porter and raise my voice, I will often tell him I'm sorry and I love him. Can we go snuggle in my bed. I really want them to learn to take a break and rethink things, so they can make a good and loving choice. It's strange that it's become a habit. That I can say I think you need a break and they go to my bed.

I can't pick up Gibran anymore, but until I can no longer pick up my kids I love to scoop up a frustrated child and set them in my lap or snuggle with them in my bed. Sometimes they just really need someone to stop the situation and give them a do-over. Like when you are having a bad day and you take off for an unscheduled day the park or the beach. It's that feeling.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

:heart I am so thankful for this thread - I am still learning to be a gentle mama. Some days I do really well and some days I don't and this forum is so great to have! I know I want to be a gentle mama, but I don't always know how to explain what my goal is or how it should look. I've realized we have a big need for a comfort corner in our new home and I am pleased to see so many examples. Thanks for the help!! And Crystal -your analogies are so good! Thanks! :tu

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I live in a tiny house! I guess I can try to find somewhere though. :think
At what age did you ladies start this practice?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

That's the part I need to work on. We have a great space but I think I use it to punitively. It's a huge pink, polartec-covered beanbag. There is a matching blanket on top of it & a basket with some toys & books next to it. It sits between the living room & the kitchen. The idea is there, but I think I need to focus on the more positive aspects of helping the girls calm down & rejoin as opposed to going there because I'm angry at their behavior. Learning to be as gentle mother is a constant work in progress.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I think there is a lot to be said for how we present something to people. You can say, "Want some ice cream?" in a way that makes it something they are afraid to say yes to ;) And positive tools can be things they fear if you're yelling at them to do them or go to them.

As for when we started using it, we start with toddlers when they start being upset ;)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

bear with me here.... :)

i get that the comfort corner works well when kids are melting -- freaking out about stuff and just need to regroup. what about "smallies" like refusal to stop a behavior, or refusal to comply. i do "help" and offer help a lot, but there are things that i cannot help him do.

my ever-present example: screaming. screaming for no reason other than to scream. screaming when there is no way to go outside and use the outside voice. screaming for fun. :banghead :banghead does the cuddle corner serve as a place to go to stop yourself from screaming? not punitively, i'm willing to go there with him, i'm willing to give him things to read, listen to, play with. but there are times i think he's taking the cuddle corner negatively, he doesn't want to stay there, he doesn't want to "rest" as i call it. he wants to scream and just be mad about it. tantrum, if you will.

i guess what i'm asking is, does the comfort corner take the place of the time-out chair? exhaustively. for every instance one would use the naughty chair (a la nanny jo) can/should one use the comfort corner?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

that's a hard question to answer because it ends up asking (unintentionally) if the GBD tool can be used as a "positive punishment" and I would have to say 'no'.

A young child screaming for fun is simply not something that reaction of any kind is going to do anything about. It's really just an issue of maturing and teaching (indoor voice vs outdoor voice--and play games with it!, I'd also be working on games like mother may I, simon says, red light/green light, etc). And when helping resolves the issue--the issue is done and there is nothing left to discuss. Let it be over.

Not sure I answered you, though ???

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Ok...this is a great discussion! I see I'm joining in a bit late, but I still have one question. Say my ds, 3yo, is encouraged to head to the Comfort Corner because he hit his little brother, 15mo, who tried to take his blocks or what have you. Do I discuss the behavior before he goes to the Comfort Corner or help him get to the CC and then let him figure it out? When do I help him make amends and help his little brother feel better????

Still needing guidance...but it is clicking!!!! Woohoo!

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I would tell him, "You are having a hard time being kind right now. You need to take a break in the comfort corner. You may come out when you are feeling better and are ready to make amends." Then I'd give him space (unless he wants you to join him ;) ) and when he comes out greet him with love and hugs and ask if he's ready to make amends :)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Crystal, thanks! That is exactly the direction I needed! I appreciate you so much. :)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Wow. Simply wow. I am really butting heads with 2.5yo dd (sad, huh :blush) We are going to introduce the comfort corner. SO GLAD that I am back on this board!!!! You mamas make me a better mama. Kinda like annonymous accountability. YOU don't know right now what my struggles are - but the Lord does, and HE led me here! One question - HOW do I give dd her comfort time (I know she will need me the first few times at least) when I have her baby sister squawking for me or nursing? I've found it hard to cuddle Jeanna when I am wearing Audrey - Jeanna likes to be on my lap and that's where Audrey ends up when I sit.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

This is what I was going to ask too. With us it's a 1.5 yr old and a 5 yr old, put we still have the same problem. How do I go about getting the 5 year old to go to the corner while the one yr old was jilted and needs me too? Especially if it's the baby that she needs the break from?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Adding a thought to this thread. I think, sometimes, when a parent comes from a punitive mindset, they try to impose the Comfort Corner (or the Five Steps) in the same way they would a punishment.

The Comfort Corner and The Five Steps are not cornerstones. They are tools. They don't work in every situation; they are not meant to.

If I child threw a toy, for example, I would not use the Five Steps or the Comfort Corner. I'd take the toy away for a while (or the day, or the week depending on the age of the child). If the same child is throwing often, I'd use The Comfort Corner. If the child throws everyday, I'd use a form of proactive discipline that gets the throwing need met appropriately.

For immediate "stop" or "start" behaviors, I will use the Five Steps or a simple Get Off Your Butt parenting.

GBD isn't about a "technique" or "punishment" that is universally employed to teach children. It's about relationship, coaching, natural consequences and age appropriate logical, related consequences.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

that is a very helpful reminder, joanne. :)
we do something kind of like what quiet spirit suggests. i take henry (2.5) to the CC and then i go to the baby. of course, the baby isn't really wounded or something that needs instant mommy, he's more insulted by whatever happened between the two of them. having the CC has really helped me attend to the baby while knowing that henry is in a safe spot and is regrouping, etc. once the baby is calm i get him interested in something, etc., and go to henry to see if he wants me to sit with him, or whatever.

i'm totally new at this, but quiet spirit's posts have helped me to understand what i'm doing. :)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

ok, I too have some questions.....

1.) Do you use the CC for pure defiance? I tell Alex to do something and he just blatantly defies me, how do you use the CC for that?

2.) He know that as soon as he is ready to show self-control and ready to rejoin the family that all he has to do is say the words...so now he is starting to say "I'm ready to show self control" the very second his bottom sits in the chair. Should I just say ok, and let him out?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I try not to look at behavior as defiance (though I do sometimes :shifty) but I try to figure out the feelings/issues underscoring the behavior. If I remember that I'm on their team it helps me to drop the power struggle--usually it's something like them not thinking I understand the situation or that I'm not hearing them. That doesn't make the behavior okay! It does mean I can teach them how to properly communicate the real issues. One child the other day was melting down and throwing a fit and doing the opposite of what I told them to do. I finally asked them why they were treating me that way and the answer was, "Because you will help me," and the look on their face was so clearly desparate. I told them very strongly to put down everything and get over there and hug me--and they did--for a very long time. After which they felt better, apologized, and were able to tell me what was really wrong (totally unrelated to anything that had happened).

I don't let my children out when they are ready to *say* something, they can come out anytime they are ready to *be* cooperative and respectful and with other people. I do use our couch as a temporary down time to get your act together and come out when you can apologize and they are able to say it right away but not with a bad attitude :P The CC is a life skill--it's taking a break and regaining your composure, recharging, changing your attitude--it's not time out :)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

So if they try to resist once they are in, then you sit down w/ them and cuddle? What if the other siblings wanna join in (younger) and the one in the CC doesn't want the little one there, she just wants mamma? I mean it's kinda hard to see kara fighting w/ her sister, offer her the cc, her resist, I go to the CC w/ her, then sissy is bobbing along behind us... Kara would get angry that her 'Comfort' Corner isn't bery 'comfortable.' w/ the stiffness in the air from the sissy that she was just arguing w/. HM, does that make sense? Did I say too much? ;)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

A lot depends on the situation in the moment ;) I'd probably put one on each side of me and grab a book or something else to change the mood.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

does this "work" if there are several different comfort corners?
dd has kind of set up her own 'nook' as she calls it and ds tends to want to lie on my bed. is this going to be the same thing?
and i'm having trouble not using it as a time out at the moment. i have noticed this happenning gradually over the past week or so.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I would absolutely honor a child's desire to set up their own *space*--my comfort corner is on the computer ;)

And it can be tempting to use it as a time out--it's important to remember that it's a life skill you're working to teach them rather than a time out. Taking a break/positive time out of the situation is one element of this and it is important to teach a child to step out of the stressful situation and regroup. But the goal needs to be the regrouping *so that* they can come back and do better! Try thinking *beyond* what you're doing to where you want the experience to go :)

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I'd love to have a comfort corner.....but I'd make it so everyone could use it. A big comfy chair, a pillow and blankie, just incase, a light, some books, kids books, and adult books, and the Bible of course. A snuggly animal to squeeze, a few quiet toys, a clock just incase I lose track of time LOL...........Maybe some pictures........ :amen

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

i think that calling it a "break" helps, too. "henry, i think you need to take a break! let's sit in the chair and read this book." it helps me catch myself if i'm feeling punitive about it, kwim?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I know there is the, "you hit you sit" tool, but would you use CC for other reasons too like coloring on the wall or stuff like that. Also can you give an example of making amends?

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

I actually don't use the CC for the you hit, you sit. That's just sitting down on the couch or off to the side of the activity until you're ready to be responsible for your actions. They can choose to sit in the CC, but I don't direct them there. You hit, you sit is about stopping them immediately and getting their attention. And using it for coloring on the walls and other stuff would probably cause you to think of it more like time out--but I would use it if the child was getting out of control and doing those things because they were having a bad day or in reaction to gentle correction. The real purpose of the CC is to realize that people who are acting bad are doing so because they feel bad so when you give them a chance to pull themselves together in an environment that helps them feel better they can return to things and act better.

Making amends is where they take responsibility for having wronged someone and make effort to make things right for the person. A harsh word would be replaced with a kind word; hurting would be replaced with a gentle touch; taking a toy would mean you give it back and offer another one with it. Sometimes, if it's hurt feelings, I encourage the child who hurt the other one to ask what they can do to help them feel better.

Re: help me with my comfort corner
 

Ok, I see, with making the amends they are not suppose to be forced to say sorry but do you guide the child to do these things. I useally have one of mine asked the another if they are hurt and that usually leads to a sorry on their own. Would encouraging them to ask each other if they are OK, be the same as forcing an apology.

TY, for your response on the, you hit you sit rule, I was feeling odd about using it. :/