Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

one handed now so i'll expand tomorrow, but the pastor quoted Dobson in the service yesterday and I liked what he said. I know that there can be good among the bad & punitive stuff, but it made me wonder if he was more on track with older kids or if he was a "broken watch" (you know, still right twice a day).

post 5 has more.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

:bump

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

Um...what did he say?

I don't think my Dobson-influenced parents had any more luck using him on me as a teen...

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

:popcorn

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

I have 2 hands!!!

The basic story was that there was a mom who was telling Dr. Dobson that she and her 12 y/o dd had been having the worst year ever, fighting constantly. He asked what was going on and she said that her dd wanted to shave her legs but mom felt that she was too young. Dr. Dobson's basic response was that while he understood, making this a point to ruin a relationship over was not worth it and to let her shave her legs. Save this kind of "battle" over the big things like drugs.

:shrug It just made me wonder if his stuff for older kids was better or if it was one of the good things mixed in with the punitive stuff.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

I read his stuff for olders when I was in my late teens/early 20s and it seemed to fit in pretty well for what I wished far, at that age. :shrug Deborah Tannen's book "You're Wearing That?" was much better at maintaining relationship between my mom and I--we both read it and began to understand each other a lot more.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

Could be, because I have thought he actually has a few good things to say, and if you get rid of the spanking and adversarial stuff for the younger kids, then maybe?

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

I would say out of all of them out there, if you take out the punitive stuff, Dobson is the best. I would say that Tripp has some good points too, but his bare butt spanking is too creepy for me to get past :sick

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

I think the key phrase is "save this kind of battle" -- no matter the age, Dobson promotes an adversarial relationship -- parent vs. child. Even though letting her shave her legs to save the relationship seems like a great idea, it's not left at that -- the last direction feels like an urging to store up your ammo to force your way on them in bigger "battles".

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

Interesting view point. I often will say "this is not my hill" or "this isn't worth the battle".(things like temporary hair dye, wearing snow boots in June) I don't use it as me vs. them, it's more like, well there are so many things that I do stand firm on, if he/she wants to do this then that's OK.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

:yes I've heard "pick your battles" used in non punitive homes and on this site as well.

Just in case, I'm not planning on using Dobson materials or anything, I was truly surprised at the particular passage the pastor quoted and it made me wonder.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

I wouldn't say that "save this kind of battle" is necessarily an adversarial thing... There are many times I "pick my battles" with the kids. Some things are just what I would prefer, and others are life and death (or if nothing else very serious)... like I would imagine with a teen that shaving legs would be on my preference list while something like staying out until who knows when and drinking/drugs would be on my life and death rules list. In that case I would "pick my battle" and not fight them over something that was MY preference, but I would stand firm on something that could be potentially dangerous.

Like right now, with my little ones... It's not a battle I choose to fight to make sure they never do something stupid :shifty in the yard (like climbing a flimsy looking tree) I will warn them that they could possibly get hurt, but that's it... but I will stand firm over them not jumping around in the living room right now because we just hung the tv on the wall over the fireplace and I'm not convinced it's going to stay there :shifty ....

Other than that, I don't know much about Dobson.... so :popcorn

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

I was raised in a Dobson influenced home. I don't know if it was my mom, or what she was trained to think - but everything that she thought I shouldn't do, anything against her opinion was a battle.

You want to dye your hair purple? You're against me.
You don't want to wear pink flowery shirts? You're against me
You don't want to eat all of your dinner? You're against me
You don't want to go to a class to learn how to put on makeup? You're against me.

You want to be a teacher, not a nurse? What? You're against me.

I could write a book.

I do pick my battles with my kids - but I stand firm on things that are for their safety - staying clipped in their carseat, playing in the street, playing outdoors alone, park boundaries....

When they are teens it will also be about their safety - unsafe sex, drugs, being out all hours of the night, stuff like that.

Things that involve their own personal space are not worth the damage to the relationship. I don't care if my kids have mohawks or sweater vests (I'd prefer the mohawks :giggle)

The problem is when you start the adversarial mindset when they are young, its hard to shake it. My mom continually saw any disagreement as me picking a fight. It was like she was programmed that way.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

Dobson did actually engage with families over a long period of time. His beliefs are heavily influenced by his starting paradigm of winning the battle of wills or else, but quite a lot of his advice is going to be practical.

He's never been against allowing children to experience most of the consequences of their actions, just to have the parent's will dominate when the parent chooses. For a 12 year old, he's probably assuming the parent has already established who's boss. He's telling her not to choose this one and choosing fewer battles as the child gets older is consistent with his teachings, such as making a younger kid keep their room clean, but shutting the door when the kid gets older.

Another major part of Dobson thinking is that it is the normal course of events that teenagers will rebel and come back to the fold when they are adults. There is an assumed battle around the corner he is referring to. Unless the child had already shaved her legs, she hadn't rebelled yet.

Re: Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?
 

right, i understand that. but what if John Doe (dad to tweens & teens)were to pick up one of his teen books having never read any of his other books. :shrug