Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Will y'all help me flesh out this idea I had this morning?

Where to start...

So I don't really enjoy being around my kids. I am an extrovert, but having kids makes me feel like an introvert because I just want them to go away all the time. I'm reading Hands-Free Mama right now, and for as much as I deeply desire to implement her methods, I keep wondering how she tolerates so much "connection time" with her kids because honestly I'd go nuts.

In the course of a convo with a friend, I've realized that my girls are so exhausting to be around because all they do is constantly ask me questions and my brain can't deal with the never-ending task of answering them. We don't have conversations, we just have pepper mama with questions time. Random questions. Obvious questions that they either already know the answer to or could easily figure out the answer with a tiny bit of effort. Hypothetical questions. Questions I couldn't possibly know the answer to. Questions about what we're going to eat.

I know kids need to ask questions to learn, and I guess asking lots of questions is better than never asking questions, but for the love GIVE ME A BREAK.

My oldest is a hopeless extrovert and just wants to be near me and talk to me, but doesn't really know how to do that other than ask tons of questions.

My younger daughter wants to know ALL THE THINGS. Not in a curious-about-the-world kind of way, but in a want-to-have-all-possible-information kind of way. It's hard to explain. She wants to know what we're having for dinner. What did daddy eat for lunch today? What time is Daddy coming home from work? What time did I wake up this morning? Part of it is that she always needs to know what's going on because she can't just trust me to take care of things (she was 6mo old when removed from her bio parents, so I really think this is more personality than a result of previous trauma, but could also be trauma-related I guess), and part of it is that she just likes to know everything.

I talked to them about it a bit this morning, but I think my approach wasn't great.

Rather than merely forcing myself to endure their presence (and then inevitably getting tired of the questions and telling them to go away), I'd like to teach them to be better conversationalists so that they are actually enjoyable people to be around. I expect that will be easier with my oldest since she actually wants to make conversation. I don't know what to do with the younger one.

Does anybody have any tips, ideas, etc?

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Mostly it's the age I think. It gets better later. You can turn it around and ask them questions about what they are asking about. Guide them towards finding the answers themselves rather than just answering.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I have a 6 yr old. I tell her sometimes that I need no more questions for awhile. She worries she will forget her question so she "puts on her remember mind" which is just a routine where she pats legs then head.

I also help her call or text grandparents. She doesn't ask them much but it meets some of the same needs.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Agree with MoS.

Many of my standard replies:

I don't know, what do YOU think?
You should ask daddy about his lunch when he gets home.
We can look that up when we get home. Will you remind me, please?
Great question! You can look that up during your computer time.

I've also realized in my own parenting that I *want* to be fully on and available for them at all times, but I just can't do it. So I also will answer with:

Honey, I love talking to you but mommy's head is tired right now. Will you ask me later?
Mommy needs a quiet time. Let's hold our questions until XXX o clock.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I think it has to be an in-the-moment "no more questions for now" kind of thing. I definitely do that and agree that being peppered with questions is extremely annoying. But like you said, they do need to ask questions to learn. So I answer about as many as I can take and then tell them no more questions and ask them to tell me something instead. Or sometimes I'll just say no more "why" questions if that is what is bugging me particularly and I feel I can tolerate other questions.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I think you got some good ideas in the pp - ask their opinion, what they think, look things up together, etc.

I don't even know what the goal of being 'a better convesatoinalist so they are actually enjoyable people to be around' looks like in little kids.

I also think that the constant NEED to connect with you circles back to you 'merely forcing myself to endure their presence'....ouch. Kids pick up on these things and it scares them. I imagine it might scare your girls more than most. They want to know you and they want to know 'stuff' so they feel more able and secure. When mine were obviously NEEDY, usually there was a reason they couldn't articulate. You have a lot going on in your world right now....I imagine it might be unsettling for them.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

This is the hardest part of this stage (9, 7, 5) my 9 year old annoys me the most because it is SUPER obvious things like "what are we having for lunch?" as she watches me pull the tuna and bread from the fridge.

Part of it is is her temperment, she needs to know every detail and she likes to be *told*, like it validates the experience for her to hear some one else say it. :think

Either way I am really working on my patience and trying to turn it back on them and have them do some critical thinking. I am also trying to be sure I tell them that I need some quiet time in my head BEFORE I am ready to snap from the 15th question in a 5 minute span (and it's always when I am just trying to complete a task before the toddler takes some thing apart or starts shrieking for me to hold him).

It is a lot.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

This is kind of my approach. I try to differentiate between questions that are just filling silence or are not wanting to think on their own and questions that they really feel the need answers to. So I do my best to address things they need to know before the questions start. Like one kid feels better knowing a rough schedule for the day/week, so I do a quick overview every morning. For the little boring questions, I have no problem asking for a break or saying "look at what I'm doing right now. Save your questions for when I look like I have time to answer them." When I can answer them, I (depending on where everyone is because you can't do this all the time) try to get them to find the answer themselves.
I do want to say, your language in this post is kind of harsh. I've been there, so no judgement, but you may want to look at your emotional/mental needs that may be unmet so you don't feel so personally attacked by the questions. It does sound like there is something going on there that is causing stress and maybe anger for you and uncertainty and neediness for them.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I find myself referring them to the menu plan when they want to know that is to eat. Or asking them to look at my hands before they ask a question because the answer can often be found there. If it's practical stuff, they know what our routine looks like and can repeat it. For your kiddos, I might consider posting a general schedule if you follow one daily. So you don't have to think about it, just point them to the wall. ;)

I also encourage mine to figure out how to answer their own questions if it's about random things that they can look up in a book or wherever. I feel for you. Our families are made up of pretty much the same ages plus an extra 1 year old.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Thanks for all of the comments. I'm not saying that where I'm at right now is a good place, I'm saying I'm trying to do something to change it.

I know there are other things going on too, and I'm also addressing them. I (unhealthily) deal with stress by closing in on myself and pushing others away, and the last 6 months have been very stressful with our move and DH traveling a lot.

I'm also realizing that I'm not as much of an introvert as I thought (I've for a long time thought I was 50/50 I/E), I'm just a relationally starved extrovert. Taking a new favorite quote from a recent thread there, we were made to connect deeply with people whose butts we haven't wiped, and I'm still working on that. Though it's 500% more possible here in our new home and church than it was in our previous one, so the prognosis looks good for that.

Thanks to those of you who acknowledged that the questions are normal and hard for you as well. I like a lot of your tips and will be using them.

I still think for my oldest that she really doesn't know it, but what she wants is to learn conversation skills. She just wants to talk with me but doesn't know how to do that except 20 questions style. I've been looking for a kids' book about it to try to help her (she loves to read and loves books like that), but haven't found anything perfect yet. If you know of anything, I'd love recommendations. I know that I need to initiate conversations with them as well, to model good conversation skills, to connect with her, and to head off the 20 questions. I'm getting there and trying, I really am.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

My oldest is like VJ's (asks questions she knows the answer to and it helps her feel better? or something?). We got this book from American Girl, and it is great! I wish I had had this book as a kid. I don't remember what ages it is recommended for, but I would think most or all of it is ok for a 9 year old.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Thank you! I'm pretty sure we have that one. Maybe I could casually suggest a re-read.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

My Dd really got a lot out of this one: https://www.amazon.com/Feelings-Book...elings+journal

Maybe it would help in your Dd's in self awareness of the feelings she's having that are behind the questioning that is so frustrating for you.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Is there anything you can ask her back to redirect the conversation to her answering instead of asking? Like, "What do you think we're having for lunch?" Yep, that's right, it's tuna sandwiches and apples.

:bag Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed by the peppering of questions, I default to saying, "I don't know," which I usually then correct to, "I do know, but I'm thinking about which ingredients to get out for dinner, and you're asking so fast the words aren't really sinking into my brain for me to answer you. I will try to listen better in a minute, but first I need to get this." And then sometimes that little break of almost automatic speech is enough that I can actually answer or narrate what I'm doing, or sometimes I really do need a moment of quiet. My kids are quite a bit older, but it seems to have finally sunk in that when mommy says "I don't know" in that tone of voice, it means to stop asking for a few minutes. :bag

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Another idea... Do you connect through reading together? One fun activity with my Dd(8.5) is to read her Highlights magazine together because it has funny stories and activities that facilitate connection and conversation but it's guided by the magazine and not all on her or my shoulders.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I think I started explaining introvert/extrovert and the concept of needing to recharge when A was around age seven :think and she really seemed to grasp it around age nine. Now,I can just tell her that I'm feeling drained or "I need quiet so I can be inside my own head." And she stops talking for awhile.

Reading is a great way for me to connect with my kids,be around them and they can hear my voice. What Katigre's said :tu

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I guess I need to be very honest here. I grew up in a military family. Moved at 1yo, 3yo, twice in Germany before coming back to the states to start my third kindergarden in Georgia. You are making the decision to take these kids away from everything they know ON TOP OF everything they have already been through. Yes, there are boundaries to things like this and you can gently teach them about healthy relationships. BUT when you move you will be everything they have to hold onto to feel safe and secure and you need to prepare yourself NOW to not only be present for them AND not have that extrovert outlet of other adults. It's not an easy thing as either the mom or the child.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I can't remember how old your DD was when she was removed from long-term foster home? Anxiety possible.

The Turnaround Anti-anxiety program is fantastic. I can't recommend enough.

If questions are anxiety-related, that program will help.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

As a 1/2 myself I can relate. sometimes I feel like the need to be with people and the need to have space to be in my own thoughts and headspace are in conflict with each other. And I don't know if you are a highly sensitive person like I am (HSP) but I find that certain things like kids fighting and nagging questions really push a physical reaction/sensitivity within me and I just get overloaded. It's a physical and emotional limit thing.

I love all the suggestions everyone gave. I love that you are looking for solutions and realize the place that you are in, I really admire that!

One more thought I had, since I am a preschool teacher, is can you do a visual chart? Like pictures of everything that your family does during the day, and maybe start the morning out as a family putting your day in order so that your kids can refer back to it during the day if they're needing that extra reassurance of what the day holds.

I remember as a kid being so love starved, but yet not feeling safe enough to share my true feelings and thoughts about things (my opinion was not ok) that I would literally sit and read the back of a cereal box to my mom, just to be heard. I'm sure I drove her nuts lol.

:heart

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Thank you for every comment, even though I'm not responding to all of them. Really, they are each so helpful.

This in particular was hard to read but I so needed to hear it. Thank you for not being afraid to speak truth kindly.

H and I have talked a lot today about conversation skills and ways to ask open-ended questions that provoke conversation rather than just simple answer questions that don't lead anywhere. She's loving talking about it with me, and is very excited to learn these skills. She's started reading Speak Up and Get Along, and was telling me things she's learning from it. I've also framed the conversations as trying to help them be ready to start at a "real" school in a few weeks and they are very excited about school so they were very excited to find a few books that would help them make friends.

We are really making efforts to connect with each of the kids in ways that we'd been neglecting lately. It's been refreshing to wake up to all of this and start making efforts to improve.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

If you are wanting to work on conversation skillls could you set up a time in your day? Like a tea time? During that time focus on manners and conversation? Shooting from the hip here. I know we had to teach my oldest conversation skills and to stop with all the questions

I do want to say that some of the questions your children are asking are security questions. That's what we called them. Questions that were a clue to the emotional state of ou children. We would get questions like repeated "what's next?""what are we doing tonight?" "What time did you go to bed?" "When did dad leave?" "When will he be home?" And all other variations of that kind told us our children were feeling insecure whether we had a big transition, we fell out of their expected routine, or that kind of thing. It is still a sign now that they are older that they are trying to manage unsettled feelings.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

When you describe this I suddenly realize my oldest is asking these. And I was going to say "he doesn't have a history of trauma and hasn't moved/isn't preparing for a new school or life overseas like the Hutch kids"...then I went, oh, but he does have a new baby sister who has turned life upside down :doh

Maybe I need to spin, but I would love to hear tips on how to deal with his feeling insecure or how to help him manage unsettled feelings. The questions haven't gotten to the point where they bug me--or maybe they do but with mom brain I haven't put that together.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I don't have anything valuable to add, but I wanted to say I am finding this thread very helpful. Thank you for starting it!

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Hi Mrs hutch, I admire your honesty and courage to express your struggle and it's inspiring to hear you look for ways to develop your child's conversation skills.

Communication is something I'm focusing on for my 2.9 year old. I was raised in a codependent home with very poor communication and I need to learn healthy ways of communicating with my son. I'd be interested to know of any resources you find.

I too struggle with the constant need my boy has of me, a friend said to me its like they drain all the life out of you so they can live and that feels like how it is at this age. But from what you share this need of you is constant.

I try to use chunking, which is spending 10 minutes focused time with him and then have 5 minutes or so doing what I like.

I guess we need to plug ourselves into the Holy Spirit every morning before the day begins to get the strength we need and the Father's love to keep us feeling good enough.

Sent from my F3111 using Tapatalk

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

We focus on conversation skills at dinner.

Ears before mouth. (Make sure no one else is talking before you speak.)

Look at the person who is talking. Think about what they're saying.

Etc

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I'm bullet pointing as I'm "on the run" :)

* I second the security questions. If at all possible, post a schedule of both meals and activities

* Questions are a way to connect. Children the age of yours are just learning the art of give and take in converstation. They connect by asking you questions.

* Being taken away from bio parents at 6 months is still a severe disruption of an important bond. Even taken at birth can cause attachment disorders (not saying s/he has an attachment disorder, just stating what is known)

*your children have an extra need to have a present parent. Boundaries and setting expectations can help: "I will talk to you now for ten minutes and answer all your questions. After that I need to do xyz and need to concentrate on that, so can't talk to you. You'll need to find something else to do then. When I'm finished, at xx time, we can talk and cuddle/read a book/watch a programme together/ etc"

*high anxiety triggers are moving house (just happened and in the future for you guys), moving jobs (just happened), loss (I guess they left friends behind?) etc. This has been HARD for all of you. You need to look after yourself so you can look after them. Make space for you, so you have space for them

*lastly: Huge hugs. We can do hard things <3 And you are doing them well. Still praying for you all :pray4

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

If you want I can share some of what we have experienced with this last move of ours. We are a military family that just left some amazing relationships behind and I became my families homebase, sense of security, and always there presence. I am a huge introvert so it's been far from easy but more than worth it. God had been so gracious and given me the ability to handle more than I ever dreamed possible.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I just wanted to share a resource- Karyn Purvis and TBRI. It is a connection based approach to dealing with trauma/adoption. Your move may bring to the surface trauma- and I know you want the best tools to help :heart.

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

I think it is ok to to set up boundaries in a way that the older ones can understand.Like asking questions while you are trying to cook or do other things doesn't work and you need them to wait until you can focus and really think about their questions.You may need to actually set up times during the day and call it a circle time or something where you sit and focus and they can ask away or tell you things

Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?
 

Thank you, that would be really helpful! :heart

LOVE Karyn Purvis's work! :yes I should probably refresh myself on some of it before our big move next summer.

This little move to a place we love and where we are surrounded by support and friends has been great practice for next summer when the move will be much bigger and harder. :tu