Is This Rude?
 

My DD was invited over to a friend's house to play games and have dinner. There were three other girls invited and the invitation was given about 2 weeks ago. I told the mom DD could go. (Even though the girls are teens, the mom always does all the inviting through the other moms via email.)

Yesterday, DD got asked to babysit that same night. She needs to raise thousands of dollars for her summer trip, and needs the job. She missed two jobs last week because she was sick, and one before that because we were out of town, and so she really should try to say yes to this one.

But, she has the prior commitment of going to her friend's house. She wants to babysit, but feels bad. I feel badly, too.

Is it rude to turn down a social invitation for what is, essentially, work, if the invitation was already accepted?

I sort of think it is, but it is necessary in this case.
I am not sure how to go about telling the mom. In other cases, I'd just make a reciprocal invitation, but I can't do that in this case.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

If she were working a 'job' and the manager changed the work schedule, you would have no control and she would have to cancel the dinner party.:shrug3

I would be upset if it were a thing that happened all the time.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

I'm a stickler for keeping agreements. I would say she already accepted an invitation. IF she were working at a restaurant or a store & they told her she needed to work or lose her job, that would be different. This is not the case. It is a job but she clearly makes her own schedule.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

This is how I feel too. It's a tough place to be in though :hugheart.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

depends. Could she talk to her friend directly and see how she feels about it?

Re: Is This Rude?
 

To me it would depend on how much notice can be given for a change of commitment and how understanding or hurt the other person may be. Some people will understand, some will stew hurt.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

If it were a birthday type invitation or some other sort of party where special food might be ordered and that sort of thing I would not change it.If it is a casual get together that doesnt involve a particular head count I would allow her to do that.My YA kids have casual games/supper type things frequently amongst their "tribe" of friends and they are never quite sure who is going to come because sometimes they have other things come up

Re: Is This Rude?
 

I think at 15, the social arrangements should generally be between the kids. DD is 14, babysits and referees soccer games in the summer. There are a lot of last minute requests to ref other games and if you turn them down it can effect future offers. She's occasionally asked to babysit or ref after she's made plans with friends and is pretty good at navigating cancellations or changes in plans with friends or turning down paid jobs. She and her friends text or call each other and handle a lot of the details. If it's a bigger deal (her one best friend moved to England and is coming back to Canada for 3 weeks this summer and we're sorting out details about her stay with us during that time) then parents are involved but still often through the girls. DD always checks things with us before confirming things with her friends but it's an area we let her manage.

All that to say that imho, having the mums do all of the arranging might make it seem like it's a bigger deal to change plans than if the girls took care of more of it. I would talk dd through as needed but once it's among them, it's an easier conversation - she could remind them of her goal for the summer and say that as much as she'd rather be with them, she needs to take the job. Not sure if it makes sense but to me, coming from the mum it could seem like excuse-making (I know it's not :hug) but amongst friends, it's just life, you know? :shrug

I would also give guidance about things that I'd be less likely to cancel (the other family has made arrangements at a venue or event / paid for tickets / booked things that would leave them with an expense or not able to do the activity without her) and how to try to do both (offer to join them once babysitting is done if it's not too late or overnight) and offer help with transportation to make that happen.

It's hard though. :yes2 I do think that if possible, I'd encourage communication to shift more to the girls, with your guidance and input. :tu

Re: Is This Rude?
 

I'm the kid who was always canceled on so I have some fairly big feelings about this.

I agree, it is a tough place to be in.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

In this case the responsible thing may be for her to accept the job rather than go have a fun evening with friends. Also when is the evening so that they might ask someone else to have even umber for games ? My dd has had to make similar calls where she had opportunity to go in and work a few hours that would help provide $ she needed for some $ responsibilities she has to cover

Re: Is This Rude?
 

this was my first thought too. I have a 13 year old and 16 year old and they essentially manage their own social affairs. Some details are definitely transmitted from parent to parent because kids aren't always the most reliable when it comes to details ;) but something like choosing to go or not, cancelling or not, at 15, I would for the most part leave up to the child to handle with her friend.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

Honestly unless it was a big deal my dc (15&16) would babysit. They both need jobs and have expenses. And most of their friends would understand; however, there are exceptions to every rule. Especially people that are harder to coorindate w or live further away.

I agree I'm not involved in making social arrangements for them so it's a lot easier to not feel like a big deal. Sometimes For ds as his friends live further away and none drive . But it's usually "mom D's moms texting you cuz we wanna X" or "mom can u figure out w J's mom when we can Y" since they are dependent upon us to see one another.

But I do think it's important to be sure it's not a pattern or always canceling on the same person.

Re: Is This Rude?
 

If you agreed without her saying she wanted to go, then that means she didn't agree. If she said she wanted to go and you gave your permission, then it's an agreement. BUT I think she should talk to her friend and explain and see if there is any way to work things out. If it's a sleep over, maybe she can come after the sitting job is done. If the host is willing, maybe they can play games in the afternoon and then your dd can leave. 15 is definitely old enough for both girls to start shifting their focus to work over play.

My 22 was invited to go with a friend to the beach over spring break. Her response 'A, I'm working your shift so you can go, so uh...no' :giggle

Re: Is This Rude?
 

Since it's a group of people, I don't think it's as big of a deal to cancel.


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Re: Is This Rude?
 

I think at her age, it's reasonable for her to talk to her friends and let them know that this opportunity came up and she needs to take it. Maybe have a different time to suggest (one unlikely to be needed for babysitting) or an alternate plan of some sort. My dd is about the same age, and while she would be disappointed to not see her friend, she would understand about the awesome summer opportunity and need to work to make it happen.

I'm usually really big on following through. I also think it is important to talk to our friends and let them know what's going on if something comes up that causes a time conflict. Most friends will understand and be willing to work around it.

As for moms texting to set up gatherings, I think it depends on the family. My dd does not have her own phone, nor does she drive. I regularly receive texts asking if a date works. Sometimes the girls will email each other then ask about rides. :shrug