Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

The book that convinced us to spank was "Spanking: How? Why? When?" by Roy Lesson.
Then I read "Raising Children Who Hunger for God".
But by far the most damaging & strongest influence was TTUAC & the Pearls newsletter. We fell for that hook, line, & sinker for 8 +years. :(

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I was put under a lot of pressue when I was a new Christian to spank and generally be punitive.

As above Roy Lessin was particularly shrill, There was a book in the '80's called, (you'll love this one) "G-d, the Rod, and Your Child's Bod" Lovely, huh? and Fugate's "What the Bible says....." I got that book *free* with my first homeschol order very first homeschooling from something called Victory Christian Academy (something like that)

Anyway, when I read the first Sears books I was greatly relieved to start following my own heart.

Debra Baker

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I put dobson (i read the copies my mom still had) and ezzo. other for me was also tripp. my mom visited here after dd was born and stayed for a month. she brought all the gbd books i had ordered since we were punitive up until late june of last year. she and i talked about gbd a lot. she got really sad at one point and said she wished she known other ways to parent when my sisters and i were little. :( I couldn't bring myself to burn the tripp book we brought with us when we moved so i had my mom take it back on the condition that she not give it to anyone. i wish i'd burned it. that was the one that convinced me to spank. :blush

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I followed Dobson for 10 years, and I had well worn, highlighted and underlined copies of "Dare to Discipine", "The Strong Willed Child", and "Parenting isn't for Cowards". These teachings were strongly encouraged by our church, and it is what my parents followed when I was a child. I spent 10 years of my parenting life FIGHTING with my kids for control.... and here I am 6 years later I am still struggling with what I started 16 years ago.

I am sooooo glad that there are places like this where I can learn from other "gentle moms"!


Stephanie

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

We took an Ezzo class we were even pg with our 1st (boy, those leaders just thought we were great and talked all about how we were going to be the best parents and so prepared, etc. If only I had known then what I know now- about child rearing, and about children. :laughtears)

We also had some Pearl influence- someone gave us one, even then it made me sick, but there were a couple of things that we attempted, we're sorry to say.

And a *lot* of Dobson- my parents were very into Dobson when we were teenagers.

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I checked off Dobson and other, meaning my parents and family. I was raised in your typical fundie Christian home. We were spanked, but not a lot. It was rather arbitrary about when it would happen too. I don't remember what I was every spanked for, but I do remember veryclearly the feeling that I was totally misunderstood in those times and that it was totally unjust!!

I DO have "little voices " in my head, mostly my Mom's, telling me to swat babies that struggle at diaper changes :eek I have had to pray so much about that one,to over come it and have a plan to avoid the temptation :blush And other stuff when I choose to be soft toward my DS and not make a power struggle--I can "hear" my mother. I felt like I made some strides with that by talking back out loud to the internal message --i.e. "I WON'T leave my baby to cry!" "I WON'T nurse sitting on a toilet!"My SIL and brother use some sort of Ezzo material, I believe. they haven't been preachy with me, but actually complimentary to me but I feel weird around them about these things and I feel so bad for my nephews and niece. So far I have tried to encourage them to enjoy (not complain about ) their kids, and that BFing is GOOD!!!

Still working to let God transform my mind....

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

My mother.

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I was influenced by everyone the list except, oddly enough, Ezzo. I also had Roy Lessin's Spanking: How? Why? When? and one my mother gave me, The Christian Family by Larry Christiansen, which was awful. But in retrospect it explained a lot about my parent's attitudes. *sigh* I think mom gave me Dobson's The Strong-Willed Child as well - my parents definitely saw me as Dobson's Strong-Willed child, anyhow, and were most frustrated that Dobson's methods never worked on me as advertised. :P

My biggest problem with Dobson (and I agree that he's the least harmful on that list) is that like the rest he teaches that if you use his methods and they don't work, it's because you weren't serious enough or dedicated enough or in some other way it's a failure on the parent's part. He may be less dogmatic now then he used to be (I read most of his stuff in first editions and I've heard he softened his stance some), but there's still an underlying current of "any parent who tries will succeed with this method," which encourages pride in parents whose kids respond well to the methods - and guilt and frustration in parents when the methods fail. And, yes, he does encourage an adversarial perspective, I think.

I really like his writings and efforts in other areas, but at this point his parenting attitudes bother me so much I won't read him. :( There's a book that's written almost in response to his - Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer?, because these counselors had so many people who'd tried Dobson's methods and they'd failed, and the parents couldn't figure why, because the child appeared to be a classic example of Dobson's strong-willed child. I thought it an interesting book - and it explained a lot about why my dad was so angry and took things I did so personally (which he generally doesn't - take things personally, that is). He'd assumed I was strong-willed, as he is, and so was sure I was deliberately doing these things to make him angry.

I read Tripp, as well, though he isn't listed here. I think the behaviorist stance that underlies these kind of books almost garuntees that the child's actual personality ends up ignored. Dobson recognizes that kids can have different personalities - strong willed or compliant - but he doesn't recotnize any personalities that don't respond well to his system. I do think the majority of kids fit into his theories well enough that his system often works, but that doesn't mean it always works and that doesn't mean it's a good thing when it appears to work. My other problem with these systems is that they focus on the child's good behavior rather than on bringing the child to Christ or on the parent acting in a Christian manner toward the child. Even Tripp, who talks a good story when it comes to heart issues, ultimately puts the focus on behavior, not on the heart. :(

Sheryl

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

:bheart Ezz0....and more Ezz0.....and more Ezz0....
oh, and some mennonite material I got on tape at a HS convention....whole section of godly home with "how to spank".
I still have such a sense of relief knowing this board is here. :O

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I'm wondering if the Mennonite materials you are refering to are the same ones given to me with along with Mr. Pearl's book. I'm going to end up driving myself nuts trying to think of his name.

Cindy

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

this is so true of me. :) while i think i've got some hang ups due to performance-based expectations of me (bill gothard, bob jones university) i came to GBD pretty early on. :hkiss

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

None of the above. When I was 9-13 our church was pretty heavy handed & punative. I know they were big into Bill Gothard. But eventually we were asked to leave when my parents made some good choices for us kids, by sending us to a different non-church supported school. I didn't read anything by those folks on my own parenting journey. My tendancies towards punativeness unfortunately can be blamed on no one but my own sinful nature! :hissyfit

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

Hmmmm, sounds like me...minus the controlling church. My parents were great, growing-up. They practiced GBD, never spanked, went to parenting classes and my mom was an LLL Leader. For me to have the urge to spank as often as I do only points to my sinful nature, not to anyone else. Well said, expatmom!!

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

I voted Pearl/Woodshed. It never really "stuck" but I read lots of Pearl stuff during a particularly vulnerable time........and it began to make sense and made me question my choices! This, after literally teaching GBD for a couple of years. :td :blush

There is something seductive and evil about his writing.

On a related note, I never read any of his stuff, but Fugate himself supposedly came by my site and signed my guestbook. None to positively, either.

Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
 

My parents first of all, and I think they were probably influenced by Dobson. My mum said I ripped up their copy of 'Dare to Discipline' when I was a toddler. :P I was smacked every day for a long time - I was very strong willed. My younger siblings didn't get punished nearly as much. My mum is anti-smacking now. She really hated it when I was smacking my dd before I found out about GBD, but my dad supported me. However I have since told him that I don't believe in it any more, and will probably talk to him more about it when I see him next. I am very close to my dad and always have been, despite the punitiveness in my upbringing.

Before my dd was born I read 'Babywise'. The problem wasn't so much the schedule feeding, which I didn't really follow, but the philosophy, that my child was trying to control me and that I should control her instead. :( It is hard to get that out of my head. Babywise seems to be quite popular in Christian circles here in NZ. I have seen it in our local Christian bookshop.