The problem with book disclaimers...
 

So, this has been bugging me since before I had children. And I thought this would be a great forum for discussion.

My family of origin has 1 handicapped child and all 4 of us were very, very different. There is no way that a one-size-fits-all parenting approach would have been successful for any of us.

So, in many of the "biblical" parenting guru books, there is often found a disclaimer that their method of parenting might not be best used on a child with disability or health issues. You know, the standard bit that they feel compelled to write in case the text is misused or applied inappropriately. :-/

But (and now I speak as a parent of children with diagnoses that highlight how they think differently) how does a brand new parent know ahead of time that the book they are reading will not apply to their child? Kids don't come with a piece of paper that states orSo, a parent could be trying very hard to "follow the book" and "do it right" and be so focused on method that the uniqueness of their child is lost. I have heard so many stories of parents who after having such a difficult time parenting their child discover that the child is, in fact, deaf, or does indeed have mental issues. The parent then feels tremendous guilt - "If only I had known that I would have never tried to parent them this way." In more stringent households, a diagnosis is never found - because the parent tries to discipline the health issue out of the child for their entire childhood.

So I guess I want to discuss how to raise awareness of this particular flaw in most parenting advice. How can we educate new parents? Is there anything that can be done?

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

Good question. We started following sort of a CIO approach with our first baby. :cry We didn't know any better. Very quickly we realized that this was totally going against our gut and we brought her to bed with us, but the fact is there that we started it. She's bipolar, and a rather anxious child. :bheart

I think that parenting is less about reading books and more about going with your gut. I've read a lot of books, but none of them can tell me how to gently parent my bipolar daughter. None of them can tell me how to stretch my parenting to use the same method for my spirited, gifted son and my silly, boundaries-testing toddler.

I think that because our children are all different, we must parent them differently, but in the same spirit. I'm constantly striving to be more gentle, more of a parent and less permissive. Constantly. I'm trusting God to lead me in how He wants me to parent these little Blessings that He has entrusted to us.

That, and GCM. I don't know what I'd do without the support of other mothers who are also gentle.

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

Yes! That is insightful! There is a huge difference between the spirit of parenting, and the method of parenting. But they do go hand in hand. :think

Oh, and yeah, :gcm :giggle

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

Well we tried Ezzo-ing with DS. P4P to be exact. I feel that this book zapped some of the joy I should have had with him during his 1st yr. We never tried overly hard to apply the P4P teachings but they were always at the back of my mind. I felt bad that DS wasn't anywhere close to meeting the Ezzo standards. Come to find out that he was so developmentally delayed at that point that he would have NEVER met the P4P standards. We didn't find this out until he was 18 mos+ old. At that point he was functioning at the level of a 9-11 m.o. and needed early intervention. I'm glad to say that he is age appropriate developmentally now. Oh how I wished I had followed AP with him. That was the route we were going to take until I got sucked into the P4P class.

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

I don't think the Pearl's allow for the possibility that your child might have a disability or an issue that would make their parenting methods inapplicable. After all, they teach that you are purging guilt and sin from the child, and there is only one way to do that!

Had I continued following them, I can't imagine how I would have harmed my NT children, and destroyed my Autistic sons. :(

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

ETA: I haven't read any other replies

A question: why is it okay to raise a special needs or handicapped child "differently" if it's biblical that means it's TRUTH and it relates to all aspects of life- doesn't it????:heart

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

You can teach special needs & handicapped children the truth. :yes However, in most cases you CAN NOT use the methods recommended in these books and certainly not on the timeline that the authors say you have to in order for it to be effective. The children I'm thinking of do not have the capacity to grasp what these authors are recommending. If they can grasp it....it would be on a delayed timeline. This was the case w/DS. He didn't have the capacity to do the things recommended by Ezzo in the P4P book until he was 2 y.o.

So, yes, I agree with you. But, my reply is taking into consideration that we're discussing books published by Pearl, Ezzo, et al.

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

I think what I meant was that if ezzo and pearl and dobson ARE teaching the truth then you can use it to teach any one at any time...If it's TRUTH it applies to all people and all parts of life (as GBD does).:heart

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

Exactly! This is precisely my point. :yes If the book's author claims to have THE Biblical approach to parenting, then it should apply to the weak, and lowly among us AS WELL AS the normal healthy people. And so often it doesn't. :bheart This has been my acid test for any parenting method I run across.

And, though I know it's hard, so hard to have a special needs child, that is one BIG reason why I find Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton to be more *believable*. Since I know that she has used what she talks about with all types of kids - in public, in private, special needs, and very normal. Dr. Sears also seems to recognize the validity of an individual, and I'm sure that much of it is because he also has children that were *more* and different than the norm.

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

Ahhhh....gotcha!!! Sorry. :doh

I agree with you. The major thing I like about being a more gentle parent is that I'm more in-tune with my babes. So despite any difficulties that may arise I know my children better and know what they are capable of at any given time....this is much better than trying to parent from a book. :yes

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

We home churched briefly with a bunch of families that were heavy into Ezzo/Pearl teachings. One of the families there had a daughter with Down's syndrome, and they certainly didn't parent her any differently than they did their other children. :(

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

That must have been very sad. :(

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

Dd1 is "more" (boy is she more! :heart) and she is preciesly the reason I was driven to AP and GBD- I just knew if we tried to parent the way we'd be parented she would be broken. :bheart

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

My question is do these books really have such a disclaimer in them?:scratch

I've read Babywise and don't remember any such thing.:shrug3 I haven't picked up any of the others, though.

It seems most of these authors are arrogant enough to believe that they are *right*, why would they make a disclaimer?

Re: The problem with book disclaimers...
 

:think I know Dobson had a disclaimer. I'm trying to remember if it was in the book, or just in his many, many words. (My books are still packed away. :doh)

Even *if* the books themselves don't carry the disclaimer, I know that it seems to be out in the "everyone knows..." arena. And that's what I'm speaking to - how do we encourage parents to question.