The ADHD stay at home mom

[SewingGreenMama]

It is so hard. But the more I learn about adhd the better I seem to be able to stay ontop of things.
I'm trying to decide between witing for our new insurance in Sept and trying to get in with an adhd trained therapist now. I've only made the connection between my daily struggles and adhd. And money, as always, is an issue with getting help.

Anyone else dealing with this? I'm interested in hearing from moms on meds but esp those who are learnning to function without meds. I'll not be able to try meds for years as from my research meds arent safe for breastffeeding either, so I'm not going to be able to try for about 4-5 years. I'm 5 weeks pregnant and I full term breastfeed. My current youngest weaned only a few months ago at about 4yrs 4 months old.

[knitlove]

I work hard on setting routine in to my head so I always do x after or with y. Right now I am working on taking my meds with my last sip of tea at breakfast.

The other thing that I fight with is my phone. I need it for alarms but need to not get sucked in to it. Dh and I have talked about getting a Google voice thing ( we are an Android house - but I don't rember the name Google dot? ) So I could have my alarms to help and turn them off with out picking up my phone.



Full disclosure I am not managing my add with out meds. I was still nursing when I started, wiggle worm was 18 months or so, honistly I didn't do a tun of researching it :hid because I was not functioning so so badly ( it was very much starting to affect my marriage and parenting, everything was starting to fall apart) my Dr asked how often I was nursing and he said that the meds were fine. If I had been functioning even a small bit better I might had made a different choice.

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[Sundance]

I also used meds while nursing an older baby

Trying life w/o meds now, so listening for ideas!

[MaySunflowers]

I'm trying to push to get re-diagnosed. I live in a different country and my gp failed to transfer my records and since my own country destroyed them so I have no proof of my diagnosis.

After 14 years doing my own sahm thing.... I kinda forget how I functioned before "in the world".

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[Sparrow]

I'm trying to push to get re-diagnosed. I live in a different country and my gp failed to transfer my records and since my own country destroyed them so I have no proof of my diagnosis.

After 14 years doing my own sahm thing.... I kinda forget how I functioned before "in the world".

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I thought they were supposed to keep them?

[knitlove]

I couldn't help but think about this thread, today we showed up an hour early for early birds' ballet class. This is the third, and last week at this time. I felt slightly stupid.

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[SewingGreenMama]

I go through seasons of always being super early. Seasons of being late, and seasons of almost being on time. :Doh

Since getting pregnant, late has been a constant companion. I'm struggling so much. I'm also completely unmotivated and yet feel a desperate need to get the house ready. I'm drawn in several directions and feel a failure in them all.

My house is a disaster. My life feels like it's falling apart. I want to throw everything away, but I also feel guilty if I don't even try to sell stuff because with another baby on the way we really need the money.

I really want a maid, but that isn't an option. I'm struggling to keep on a school schedule. I need to find a way to schedule that is more flexible. So on hard days we can do easier stuff and on better days we can get more done and it can all balance out.

Sometimes I love my brain. Sometimes if feels like Paul's thorn in the side and I'm begging for it to be taken from me.

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[knitlove]

(hug)

For school I made a system that worked for me ( it is probably way too complicated) I took our curricum that has everything all layed out for the week, I rearranged that in to subject lists that I called do the next thing.so instead of having. It all devied out I had all of history or science, so when we got on a tear and one thing was just cooking we could just keep moving on.

After I had the lists - actually I did this the previous year with out reorganizing the curricums lay out- I went though and color coded the tasks. Reading ( something I can just toss at early bird and she will always say yes to) writing ( something that two years ago I can to carefully protion out or she couldn't do it ) work sheet, activity. I also noted wheather something was something I was going to have to be right there with and what I could just toss at her.

It helped me to be able to glass at my lists and see oh my we have high needs tasks in 3 subjects comming up, I need to make certain I don't try to do them all in one day

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[MaySunflowers]

I thought they were supposed to keep them?In Manitoba if you go without seeing a doctor for 10 years (unless it was 7?) They destroy your records. I investigated mine and they kept list of dates and who I saw only which is useless to me. If you had something serious like cancer treatment those records would exist with that doctor but not in the medical records archive.

Sooooo... because my first doctor here didn't act and request them as he told me he would, they got destroyed with time. I only found out years later when another doctor wanted to know something and pointed out they weren't there.

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---------- Post added at 07:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:52 AM ----------

My house is a mess too and I don't care most of the time as I get stuck in my thoughts which interest me no end.

I am always early as the world stops well.in advance of me having to be somewhere as I don't want to be found out that way.

Impulsive speech is a problem for me.... that combined with some slow processing that inserts the entire wrong word in sentences annoys me most.

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[WanderingJuniper]

Take this all with a grain of salt as I in my super great precoffee functioning put the wrong milk in my coffee this morning and didn’t realize it till halfway through. So great...

I did not struggle until I became an at home mom. All the structure of schooling or work schedules along with the athletics my parents provided kept me keeping my stuff together. Problem was I could not duplicate that structure on my own. I self medicate with lots of caffeine (see pre-ramble to this post). For me it works most days. It took my husband working with me to run our home more like a I would run my job to have success. I still fight against routines and want to follow the butterfly more than a I want to sweep the floor but routines are required for my successful adulting.

I have lists and charts and brain dump books and calendars and ALL of them are essential to my functioning. I am so jealous of people who just know what needs to be done and when without all the extra systems of support.

All that said, I have also learned that a I need to schedule time to follow my shins and distractions. Currently that means I take a few days a year by myself and just wing it! I’m also an introvert so this random open day without responsibilities serves 2 purposes.

[knitlove]

Take this all with a grain of salt as I in my super great precoffee functioning put the wrong milk in my coffee this morning and didn’t realize it till halfway through. So great...

I did not struggle until I became an at home mom. All the structure of schooling or work schedules along with the athletics my parents provided kept me keeping my stuff together. Problem was I could not duplicate that structure on my own. I self medicate with lots of caffeine (see pre-ramble to this post). For me it works most days. It took my husband working with me to run our home more like a I would run my job to have success. I still fight against routines and want to follow the butterfly more than a I want to sweep the floor but routines are required for my successful adulting.

.

This resonates with me so much

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[Elibellamiah]

I'm pretty certain that I have ADHD. I've never been diagnosed. I did mention it to my doctor last year but she blew it off. I did well in school after the first few years, but I think it was having structure and due dates. I'm not able to create that for myself.
I failed at homeschooling and gave up. On the one hand I'm happy with the school my children are in and have no desire to homeschool again, but I do feel bad that I failed and wonder why it's so difficult for me when so many other people can manage it. I seem to be able to do one thing at a time. If it's cleaning house, then I will have a very clean house for a week or 2. If it's working on making a photo book, I will spend hours and hours for days at a time making a beautiful photo book. If it's reading a book I will only be able to focus on finishing the book. But everything else besides what I'm interested in at the moment is nearly impossible. I try to make chore charts and things but it always fails. I often feel so overwhelmed that I just sit and stare.

[SewingGreenMama]

I'm pretty certain that I have ADHD. I've never been diagnosed. I did mention it to my doctor last year but she blew it off. I did well in school after the first few years, but I think it was having structure and due dates. I'm not able to create that for myself.
I failed at homeschooling and gave up. On the one hand I'm happy with the school my children are in and have no desire to homeschool again, but I do feel bad that I failed and wonder why it's so difficult for me when so many other people can manage it. I seem to be able to do one thing at a time. If it's cleaning house, then I will have a very clean house for a week or 2. If it's working on making a photo book, I will spend hours and hours for days at a time making a beautiful photo book. If it's reading a book I will only be able to focus on finishing the book. But everything else besides what I'm interested in at the moment is nearly impossible. I try to make chore charts and things but it always fails. I often feel so overwhelmed that I just sit and stare.Yes, except for the schooling, I'm fighting tooth and nail to make it work because my husband and I hold very strong feelings about it.
But the hyper focus on one thing at a time ... Yes. I struggle with the constant interruptions. With the interruptions of having to cook from scratch most meals because of allergies. Having to do school. Keeping house clean. Keeping up with my middle sons struggles. Not having hands on accountability through my husband, not hands on help either both because he is a trucker.

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[knitlove]

Yep :grouphug

Trying to homeschool is what was the straw that was breaking everything that made me get meds - school really be would not be a good fit for early bird so I am fighting everything to make home schooling happen

Have y'all read or listens to the blog/ podcast A Slob Comes Clean? It is the first cleaning anything that really makes sence to me. She totally has add but it isn't diagnosed and she isn't interested in looking in to it, but it so so explains lots. She talkes about having a ' project brain' as the way she thinks about hyperfoucing. She has a unique way of picking up and organizing that doesn't turn things in to a huge mess when you get distracted. She has two books that i haven't read. I have just listened to her podcasts starting at the beginning

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[SewingGreenMama]

I love podcasts! I'll be looking into that!

Yes my 2nd has multiple learning disabilities on top of adhd, spd, midline defects, gut problems, and more. School would be hell for him. My oldest is very kind and sensitive and I know he would be deeply hurt by the clicks and bullying. I can't imagine trying to put them in school and all of the ramifications of their individual struggles.
Homeschooling is absolutely the best option. If I can get the house in some sort of shape and mostly keep it there then we'd be doing amazing.

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[MrsHutch]

Yes. Y'all. I relate to all of this. I don't manage it super well.

[knitlove]

Yes. Y'all. I relate to all of this. I don't manage it super well.I know that often I don't feel like I am managing it well. And when I am not spireling in to just beating my self up I can see that I am managing it, the important things are getting done, the house is clean enough, people have clothes. People on the outside think thing are going along fine. Which considering how much harder to have to work to keep everything moving is managing it well. Most the time I feel like I am 20 min away from everything complely falling apart.


One of my battles right now if that I now know how much I am helped by not having a cluttered environment. Now on all the minimalist blogs and what not they seem to think that once you know that you can just magicly put everything away. It is a daily struggle for me because even though I know it helps me immensely I still will randomly set stuff down and not see it. I try to have multiple set points in my day where I make a point to look and see if there are random things out, are the cubard and closet doors closed, EXC?


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[SewingGreenMama]

I'm working on the minimalism thing now. I'm getting ready for a Yard sale next week.
I'm going to be immediately taking anything that didn't sell to Goodwill once the sale is over.
After that anything I find after that I'll decide whether it is worth selling on FB marketplace or donate.
Then I'll earn a small latte every week I take 2 Walmart bags worth of donation items to goodwill or sell on FB marketplace until I'm able to stay on top of things.
That is my plan for getting rid of the clutter.

I have a bunch of sewing supplies like ribbons and facric scraps I might see if I can donate to an after school program for craft supplies. I have more sewing supplies then I have space for. And I'm going to limit myself to the fabric and extras for 2-5 projects in the house at a time depending on their size. Sewing is theraputic for me, j need it, but I don't have space, so that has been hard.

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[Quiteria]

Sigh...just lost my post, but I'll be back to elaborate. Wanted to recommend this book in particular.
https://www.amazon.com/House-That-Cleans-Itself-Steps-ebook/dp/B00BFH3UX6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HSYXHPIYEAFD&keywords=the+house+that+cleans+itself&qid=1564107384&s=gateway&sprefix=house+that+cle%2Caps%2C245&sr=8-1

[MrsHutch]

I know that often I don't feel like I am managing it well. And when I am not spireling in to just beating my self up I can see that I am managing it, the important things are getting done, the house is clean enough, people have clothes. People on the outside think thing are going along fine. Which considering how much harder to have to work to keep everything moving is managing it well. Most the time I feel like I am 20 min away from everything complely falling apart.


Thanks, that's encouraging and true.

Sigh...just lost my post, but I'll be back to elaborate. Wanted to recommend this book in particular.
https://www.amazon.com/House-That-Cleans-Itself-Steps-ebook/dp/B00BFH3UX6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HSYXHPIYEAFD&keywords=the+house+that+cleans+itself&qid=1564107384&s=gateway&sprefix=house+that+cle%2Caps%2C245&sr=8-1

YES! I read this book years ago after finding it recommended here, and it was SERIOUSLY helpful!

[knitlove]

Sigh...just lost my post, but I'll be back to elaborate. Wanted to recommend this book in particular.
https://www.amazon.com/House-That-Cleans-Itself-Steps-ebook/dp/B00BFH3UX6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HSYXHPIYEAFD&keywords=the+house+that+cleans+itself&qid=1564107384&s=gateway&sprefix=house+that+cle%2Caps%2C245&sr=8-1Yes I love that book. I need to buy another copy I lent mine out and neaver got it back.

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[SewingGreenMama]

Sigh...just lost my post, but I'll be back to elaborate. Wanted to recommend this book in particular.
https://www.amazon.com/House-That-Cleans-Itself-Steps-ebook/dp/B00BFH3UX6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HSYXHPIYEAFD&keywords=the+house+that+cleans+itself&qid=1564107384&s=gateway&sprefix=house+that+cle%2Caps%2C245&sr=8-1

I'll have to look for that. It sounds facinating. Thank you.

[RooMama]

I'm an absolute mess these days. I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago and am just starting the process to get tested again to start meds.

[Quiteria]

The gist I meant to explain:

The biggest difference between that and other books, my favorite part, is that the emphasis is on figuring out WHY things are overwhelming or prone to mess or procrastination, and then trying to problem-solve ways to make those things easier, less work, less overwhelming...instead of the usual self-help book that tells you to put more effort and leaves you feeling guilty and defeated when you can't live up to it. Instead of beating yourself up for being deficient and trying harder to make an inconvenient action into habit that is ultimately unsustainable, you look for ways to make the circumstances fit the real people who live in your home.

For example, if people leave socks on the living room floor where they sit down to relax, instead of yelling at everyone to put them in the hamper in the other room, you problem-solve...give them a little basket that's actually in reach, or give them seating near the door (with a coat rack, shoe rack, and sock basket)...find a way to corral the stuff in a way that doesn't require a tired person to stand up and walk to another room after they've just made themselves comfortable. If it's easy enough, you'll have better success than trying to train them to do things the hard way.

[SewingGreenMama]

The gist I meant to explain:

The biggest difference between that and other books, my favorite part, is that the emphasis is on figuring out WHY things are overwhelming or prone to mess or procrastination, and then trying to problem-solve ways to make those things easier, less work, less overwhelming...instead of the usual self-help book that tells you to put more effort and leaves you feeling guilty and defeated when you can't live up to it. Instead of beating yourself up for being deficient and trying harder to make an inconvenient action into habit that is ultimately unsustainable, you look for ways to make the circumstances fit the real people who live in your home.

For example, if people leave socks on the living room floor where they sit down to relax, instead of yelling at everyone to put them in the hamper in the other room, you problem-solve...give them a little basket that's actually in reach, or give them seating near the door (with a coat rack, shoe rack, and sock basket)...find a way to corral the stuff in a way that doesn't require a tired person to stand up and walk to another room after they've just made themselves comfortable. If it's easy enough, you'll have better success than trying to train them to do things the hard way.That sounds amazing!

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[MrsHutch]

Yes! It's super practical advice about how to make it easier to keep your house clean... and who doesn't need that?

[knitlove]

Yes and it is all about how to make your house work for *you* which some how I hadn't ever gotten before.

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[Quiteria]

Another thing that has helped me is having a designated place to start.

An easy chore, like laundry often starts with the same load or two that's easy to grab, then while it's washing, I work on sorting the rest. (Some people stop sorting entirely as another solution, but I grew up with dyes that bleed color everywhere, so it's harder for me to start an unsorted load.)

Cleaning a whole room in miscellaneous ways often starts by focusing on the area closest to the door, and work my way around the room. Unless there's an obvious task crying out to be done first. But if it's a big undefined chaotic area requiring executive function to decide what to tackle first, I often decide spatially...start left to right, top to bottom, near to far, from the doorway in, etc. Basically, bypass the decision making to force yourself out of the inertia...deal with whatever comes to hand first. (And make a mental note as you go about the things that you really want to resist...problem-solve at some point about why, and how to simplify/resolve...but first just make yourself clean it this time.).

[knitlove]

Another thing that has helped me is having a designated place to start.

An easy chore, like laundry often starts with the same load or two that's easy to grab, then while it's washing, I work on sorting the rest. (Some people stop sorting entirely as another solution, but I grew up with dyes that bleed color everywhere, so it's harder for me to start an unsorted load.)

Cleaning a whole room in miscellaneous ways often starts by focusing on the area closest to the door, and work my way around the room. Unless there's an obvious task crying out to be done first. But if it's a big undefined chaotic area requiring executive function to decide what to tackle first, I often decide spatially...start left to right, top to bottom, near to far, from the doorway in, etc. Basically, bypass the decision making to force yourself out of the inertia...deal with whatever comes to hand first. (And make a mental note as you go about the things that you really want to resist...problem-solve at some point about why, and how to simplify/resolve...but first just make yourself clean it this time.).The a slob comes clean talked about starting with the easy when she is overwhelmed by mess. Start with the trash and then with the things that have a clear spot that belong.

She also talked about her putting things away question is where would I look for this. It is very much along the lines of the house that cleans its self. Where would she look for it, not where *should* it go, or where would he best. If she can't answe the where would I look for this her next question is would I even k ow that I had this to go look for it,and if the answer is no she suggests just getting rid of it.

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[Quiteria]

Another thing I embraced is FlyLady's idea that doing a mediocre job frequently adds up to more than all-or-nothing infrequently. She gives the example of taking a quick swish or swipe at your toilet and countertops daily, rather than sterilizing them once in a blue moon when they get gross...even if that swipe is half-hearted and imperfect, it will be cleaner overall than waiting for you to scour every inch perfectly.

That concept in turn helped me embrace the truth that although I can sit and clean one spot all the way thoroughly in the right hyperfocus mood, I often need more movement and variety. I often clean more total if I flit around doing a little of this and that, sort of like "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie," as long as I make sure my movements are helping in some way, finished enough to not make worse. Like if I decide to clean a bedroom, and find a cup, a school paper, and a sock...it's okay for me to carry those to the appropriate places and even wash a couple dishes before coming back, as long as I drop the school paper off at the bookcase, not the kitchen counter. Little things like trying to pick up one more item on the way, seeing if anything needs carried up or downstairs while en route, clean one more thing while nearby...it adds up. If I am feeling restless and end up with half a load of dishes, half a load of laundry, and half the recycling, etc....that's still a total of 1.5 loads I wouldn't have in the right place if I hadn't tried. Yes, at some point each task needs to be finished...if we need the dishes asap, than those need some focus, and then I can flit about while the dishwasher is running...but when there's some leeway, and the focus isn't there, or the time isn't there to see something to conclusion, every little bit adds up better than inertia. If I fold 1/3 of a clean laundry load and put it away, so that it can't get spilled and undone, that's better than not starting folding. So, esp. with a toddler around, sometimes I would fold a handful, go deliver it, fold some more, go deliver it, etc. Though with big enough kids, I often call them to get their stuff now.

Anyhow, I hope that makes sense. I get more done in total when I embrace that I'm chipping away in my own manner, rather than berating myself for not working in a linear fashion. If I feel myself slowing down because I've been sitting in one place too long, it's OKAY to switch tasks. I'm more likely to cycle back to it quickly if I'm not wallowing in guilt over it. Urgent things get done urgently, non-urgent things get done in pieces, with enough variety to keep them happening more briskly than otherwise.

[mummy2boys]

I'll have to check out that book. Thanks for the tip :)

I don't have ADHD but have bipolar so I can be on top of it for a while then totally not care about it at all. I go from one extreme to the other!

But I think there are some wonderful tips here...thanks mamas :heart

[SewingGreenMama]

Have y'all read or listens to the blog/ podcast A Slob Comes Clean? It is the first cleaning anything that really makes sence to me. She totally has add but it isn't diagnosed and she isn't interested in looking in to it, but it so so explains lots. She talkes about having a ' project brain' as the way she thinks about hyperfoucing. She has a unique way of picking up and organizing that doesn't turn things in to a huge mess when you get distracted. She has two books that i haven't read. I have just listened to her podcasts starting at the beginning

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Thank you, thank you, thank you knitlove for sharing this podcast! I've been listening to her and she makes so much sense. I'm hoping to be able to implement her methods. :heart

[MegMarch]

Agreed. I was coming to post thanks for the Slob Comes Clean rec. It's like someone actually understand what I need to hear!

[knitlove]

It was a complete revilation when I stumbled apon it. I listened to all of them that were out when working in Halloween costumes.

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[mipennsn]

I’m not a SAHM, but everything you ladies have said has been helpful to me. Thank you for “The Slob Comes Clean” recommendation. I can also identify with her.