Help me understand Adult ADD

[ThePottersDaughter]

DH is convinced that he has ADD. He does exhibit symptoms pretty dramatically, but I kind of think it seems like more of a lack of willpower or maybe a combination. And I find myself wondering if, because of the crazy, fast paced, technology-packed lifestyles that we lead, we aren't all on the path to ADD.

He is a systems engineer for computers so he is literally staring at at least one screen all day long; but usually more like 2 or 3 or 4 screens are in front of him and he's bouncing from one to the other. He is having a really hard time because over the last couple years he has become increasingly forgetful and unmotivated. He makes mistakes about really obvious details relating to his work and feels like it's happening so much that people are looking at him as the "stupid" or "incompetent" one and it's really taking a toll on his self esteem. He has always had the stereotypical ADD mindset where he focuses really intensely on one thing that grabs his interest and forgets about everything else but I feel like he was extremely functional before he started this computer job 3 years ago and has gradually become less functional. It has been hurting our family because he gets so obsessed with the computer-related problem at hand that he ends up working too late, or working from home really late at night so that he forgets to sleep and then he's grumpy and spacey.

I really want to be able to help him with all of this, and I want to see healing for him and for our marriage, but I don't really know how. Any insight from those of you lovely ladies who have experience in this area would be greatly appreciated!

[WanderingJuniper]

:hug
Starting point would be to understand that ADD is not a mindset. If we could remember better or focus better or disengage easier during hyper focus we would. :hug

[Findabhair]

DH is a systems developer, has diagnosed ADD and is medicated for it currently. For years he wasn't, and it makes a big difference. Eating a healthy diet and getting enough sleep are also very important for him. When he started working where he is he told them that he tends to be easily distracted a few days of the week and then hyper focus for 2 to 3 days. During that hyper focus time he's able to get a weeks worth of work done. The medication reduces the hyper focusing and helps spread his productivity more evenly throughout the week. However, computers are his passion so he does spend a lot of time gaming and such at home and sometimes forgets to go to bed at a decent time. :)

[Bonnie]

It can certainly seem like a lack of willpower - even to the sufferer - and that right there is the crux of the problem for so many adults who need help but aren't getting it. There's a reason that the best-known book on the subject is titled, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy. After years and years of telling myself that if I just tried harder, I could be a real, functional grown-up, I am just now finally, at 38 years old, starting the road to treatment.

Diagnosis, or even being taken seriously by the MD one needs to get through to get a proper referral, can be extremely difficult and frustrating (and emotionally exhausting!) for adults, especially if we do a good enough job of clinging to life by our fingertips (many of us didn't realize that's what we were doing) that we look "successful" by some measure or another.

[allisonintx]

I second everything Bonnie has said. It's not a character defect. I was able to cobble and brute force my executive function, for the most part, until I was 30. Sometime around then, my life exceeded my ability to fake it, and I really needed help. This is very common for extremely intelligent folks with ADHD, especially the "Inattentive type" please encourage him to see an ADHD specialist, not his family doctor, if at all possible. Most family docs are not qualified to begin to assess these issues in adults.

[Bonnie]

Yeah, mine just asked me how I'd done in school...until recently, getting by in school was considered an automatic ruling out of ADD. :-/ Sure, I got good grades - while being completely unable to do anything else, and only then because I was bright enough to produce acceptable work in spite of writing all my papers the night before.

[Maggirayne]

ADD royally sucks, and I hate it. I second Bonnie's book recommendation.

I'm on my third counselor who 'just' doesn't get ADD and basically said, "Why don't you 'just' do XYZ?"

If 'just' doing this or that got things done, or if I got paid by effort not by results, I'm be a blazing millionaire.

ADD is an executive function malfunction.

Imagine if every time you had to tie your shoes, you had to say to yourself, "Tie the first knot, now make the bunny ears, now wrap one around and make it go thru the hole, now tighten, now adjust."

Now, think about the steps for brushing your teeth, or making breakfast or loading and unloading the dishwasher.

That's a little bit of what it's like in our heads. It's excruciating and detailed, and if I knew everything I've forgotten, I'd be on par with Einstein--who incidentally has trouble learning to tie his shoes.

It's equivalent to running a marathon every day, but to everyone else, it looks like you're jogging around the block.

[WanderingJuniper]

Your shoe tying example is perfect! And, frustratingly accurate.

[MrsHutch]

Every time I read more about adult ADD, the more convinced I become that it describes me. Diet can really help a lot of people. Although I don't feel like diet has helped me much, I can't say how I would have been if I'd never reformed our diet. :shrug

[allisonintx]

My theory is that Diet changes work wonders and seem like the miracle of all miracles if your attention issues are due to a clogged up enteric brain. My enteric brain rocks. It's the brain in my skull that is a problem. ;)

---------- Post added at 11:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 AM ----------

The shoe tying example is a perfect micro example of how keeping house is for me.

Every single time I do an upkeep chore, I actually have to review the steps broken down so simply that you would think that I don't have a brain in my head at all.

[Earthmummy07]

:popcorn After researching ADD/ADHD as an option for BB, I am 99% sure that I have it. A lot of the tips I read about really help, and I miss being able to self medicate with caffiene. I'm not sure if I could get a dr to pay attention, but at least understanding for myself makes it easier :yes

[NeshamaMama]

Encourage him to go to a counselor who has experience with adult ADD. He is likely just as miserable and frustrated as you are. ADD often cycles into depression because it's *depressing* not being able to function like the rest of the world and constantly being exhausted by the demands of everyday life - that can certainly come off as a lack of willpower or motivation and is often referred to as "hypoenergetic" ADD, the opposite end of the spectrum from ADHD.

I'm saying this as someone who has ADD and until very recently (even though I knew, intellectually, that ADD was literally a neurological issue) was convinced that if I just tried a little harder I could change things. My life pretty much fell to shambles around me as it got worse and worse and I'm currently horrifically depressed and pretty much nonfunctional. I have cried before bed every night this week at the thought that I will have to wake up in the morning and try to force my brain to work out how to feed and dress myself and the children. It is excruciating and depleting in every way. I'm finally getting specific treatment next week and considering medication, because this is not something I can dig my way out of with diet changes and natural remedies (I *do* absolutely believe that they can work, but the kind of laughable part is that no one with the level of impairment that I'm experiencing would be able to actually implement them without full-time assistance :sigh).

My DH was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child but never received treatment for whatever reason. He was the "typical" ADHD child who was barely scraping by until he entered college and started drinking coffee, discovering that he could successfully self-medicate with a large amount of caffeine. His entire life basically changed and he is now a software engineer who is *extremely* well-organized and good at his job and basically holds our family together through my struggles. Unless he doesn't get his huge mug of coffee - then he is a classic ADHD wreck and cannot work at all. The change is disturbing to see since he's being using caffeine since before we met.

All that to say... Support him. Validate him. Encourage him to see a professional. For the love of heaven, don't tell him you think he just lacks motivation. :shifty. I know that it must be so hard and frustrating to see him in this state and not fully understand it, but he probably needs your unconditional love and practical support more than ever right now.

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[Victorious]

Yep to what Allison just said. I worked at a retail job for*years* and still had to use the checklist for cleaning every night. But, I graduated high school with honors and college in three years with a 3.75 gpa.

I recently saw something that said ADHD is not about *inattention*, it's about variable attention.

[MrsHutch]

This is so affirming to read!!! I don't know what an enteric brain is and how that differs from the brain in my skull... off to google...

[sweetpeasmommy]

It's the brain in your gut


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[MrsHutch]

It's the brain in your gut


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Thank you... because I got distracted and never got around to googling it. :shifty :lol

[Dovenoir]

Googling hypoenergetic add... DH has add but just doesn't get it.

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[Heather R]

I had a post about ADD a couple months ago that you might find helpful.... I can't link it because it's in Natural Health II, but its called "So I finally talked to my doctor about ADD/depression/anxiety"... Lots of people chimed in and shared what living with ADHD is like for them.

I am early in my post-diagnosis journey, and I'm honestly not sure yet if medication is helping. But just knowing that there *is* something going on other than my own personal character deficit is so, so validating!

Heather

[chelsea]

:cup