How do you counter in-laws and family?

[ShepherdsWife]

I'm sure this is somewhere here before but I didn't find anything right away. I know that there will be LOTS of negative voices my children will be exposed to, but I was wondering how to counter these in my children's lives. Especially the ones that are so close like family. We live very close to my in-laws and so they naturally concern me the most.
The first grandchild/niece was so easy-going, gentle, sensitive, and is super easy to discipline and very compliant. Now, the second grand-child is 3 and a TOTALLY different personality. She is according to them "rebellious and bad." I just see that she is a big handful because she is a strong personality, very independent, and has a need for attention is a different way. She is vocal and not afraid to be honest where her older sister is afraid to stand up for what she wants and easily intimidated. It really bothered me before my ds was born that comments were constantly flying like, "your such a bad little girl". Even "games" were played like, "who wants to be a good little girl" and I would have to chuckle a bit when my 3 year old niece would say, "not me!". The manipulation didn't work on her like her older sister, but the manipulation trying from my MIL bothered me a lot. My ds is the next and he is only 13 months but I am constantly getting comments about the fact that he still nurses and how gross that is. They say things like "wow, he is such a bad boy right now" when he is fussing to nurse to sleep. He is VERY LOUD. He screams in delight, in fun, laughs loud, talks loud, and screams in protest loud. It is just him and he has been that way since birth. He has to grunt and scream when he climbs up something hard. It is just his personality, he talks to himself about everything and he does it not-so-quietly. This to them is something "bad" and needs spanking or discipline. I think it will be a good plan to teach him a lower decibel but he is a little too small to totally get that, so my efforts at "sleepy time voice" and "shhhhh" only work about 25% of the time. I just get very annoyed at the constant critiquing and comments towards my son and his cousins. I am frustrated that now he is starting to understand what people are saying. How do you counter this? I am trying to figure out good ways for myself to respond and things to say positively. :scratch
I think good positive comments that are non-confrontational might help. My new idea for this week of family encounters when they comment again and again about my niece is something along the lines of, "I think she has such a strong personality that someday she will be a great leader. She is not going to easily be swayed by the crowds of people pleasers" or something positive about her. I am trying to think up not-canned but honest ways to say what I actually feel about these precious little children and how I am choosing to raise mine. Ideas ladies? Help!!!!! I really am about to go crazy and say something rude:mad if I don't think and pray and get wisdom about this. :pray4

[EnglishRose]

I think you sound lovely and I'm so glad your nieces have you rooting for them.

In answer to your question it depends
With your nieces and nephews you can make sure that you are loving, kind, gentle and respectful.

With your own child you are in a different position and must set boundaries to protect your child. I would sit down and write out the things you need to 'put your foot down' on. So, 'my child is not to be called names, e.g. Naughty'. Then you need to be brave and bold and approach the subject, either in one go ( sit down meeting) or as and when it happens, "please don't call him names like 'naughty' or please do not criticise my son or we will have to leave.


:hugheart

[Elora]

I counter with another perspective :lol

it's kinda my thing in all aspects of life, for all situations

I do it not just for my child, but also because I think it helps the person I'm countering.

I think everyone needs a little perspective.

No, they don't always want it :shrug3 That's fine, move along. You can change the topic quickly if your perspective isn't welcome.

anyway, it's a good plan! (hahaha I would think so)

I actually think what you wrote is very sincere, and you should use that. Friendly. Smiling. But yes, point out the good use of those attributes :heart She's not flawed the way that God created her! She is fearfully and wonderfully made. As her elders you should help her channel her attributes so they grow into great strengths...

[ThreeKids]

Whatever they choose to say to your kids that's outside your philosophy is them countering you, not the other way around. Feel free to reiterate your actual philosophy to your kids on the spot or to let your in-laws know the misconceptions they are creating will be corrected later and if they don't want you to have to keep explaining to your kids how their grandparents are wrong, they should try a little harder not to create the necessity.

[twoplustwo]

First off, you dh needs to have a talk with them ahead of time. I found me explaining myself to mil never worked as well as dh just handling it.

For example, my Mil uses the word "brat" a lot. I had dh explain that word is not acceptable to call my children. Then if she forgets & does it in front of me, I can gently say "I don't like that word" or "We don't use that word" without a lot of explanation or her trying to justify it. And then she kinda scoffs at me but finally she no longer says it at all. There were a few other things, but that was the worst for me.

As for the nursing, while she didn't approve of my nursing as long as I did - she never really said too much so that wasnt a problem. She laughed at me & said I would quit once baby had teeth - incidentally exactly how long she nursed (ha! we showed her. :giggle). Once she said - how long are going to nurse her & I said "oh, about another 5 minutes*" and she said " I meant . . " and I said "I know what you meant." I think if it went further than that kind of stuff I would again have dh intervene and say those types of comments were not allowed.

I LOVE the idea of saying those things about your niece - putting the positive spin on the behaviors! Great idea! :heart

* not an original, heard that somewhere, probably at an LLL meeting.

[ShepherdsWife]

having dh talk to his parents would be a miracle. He is very intimidated and swayed by anything they say. Even more, I just think he is really worried about what they think as he parents our ds. He isn't really a spanker, but he isn't convinced about GBD either. He is slowly coming around and copying what I do, but definitely not going to confront the parents on almost anything. I feel rather comfortable with it though. I am actually very close to my in-laws and they really have treated me like a daughter. We see them a lot and I do more with them than either of their actual daughters so, I think I can say a few well-placed comments and maybe eventually do some good. They really don't get the hint to not say things so one has to actually say, "i don't want you to _____" and be very specific. I just would rather try to change the whole tone by being a positive voice in the family as a whole also.

[MegMarch]

I tend to throw out comments like "Isn't she a pistol? Sure to be a leader when she's older." Or "I love seeing a kid with that much pep. That's a personality that will take them far in life."

With your loud kid, I'd use the same kind of commentary. "That's a voice that can be heard from a pulpit or congressional seat. What are your career aspirations, little man?" And cuddle him up a little and let them see that you appreciate some of these "flaws."

Don't feel like you have to sway them to agreeing with you. You just have to ensure your child is treated well. That can happen with the family or away from them if they can't respect your boundaries.

[Little Forest]

Have you read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? Get it and read it!

Lots of good ideas here and just want to reiterate what English Rose said. Very important to be empowered to set up boundaries around those kind of people.
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[twoplustwo]

having dh talk to his parents would be a miracle.

Oh, ok. . . you have a totally different dynamic than me on both ends so I probably won't be much help in the advice department but I am always here for a little empathizing. :D

[Kiara.I]

Awesome that you're going to stand up for your neices! :rockon

For your own child, I think I'd be explaining that he will not be shamed or called names or told he's bad. Period.

And then enforce it by just picking up and leaving.

[acissej]

Following. We struggle with this with both of our families.


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[CelticJourney]

Scripts are a great way to be prepared. Depending on your relationship with them of course. I'm a pretty strong voice, so I might try 'can you imagine hearing over and over your entire childhood that you are 'bad'? Seems like after awhile it would become a self-fullfilling prophesy.' If it were reallly, really in a fiesty mood, I'd consider 'so, do I get to label everything you do that I don't like or is inconvenient 'bad' as well? Just checking the game rules.' (ok, so probably wouldn't....but I can't totally rule it out :shifty)

Depending on the people, again, those comments can sound pretty passive agressive, so for someone who can handle expressions of truth, you might consider just saying it straight 'It hurts me to see you label a child as 'bad' because she is not convenient. Just to be up front, I can't speak for sil/bil, but name-calling is not allowed with my children'. :shrug3

[rjy9343]

My husband does not say much to his parents, either. I however have no qualms sticking up for my daughter. When she asks if Ivy is good or a good girl, I shoot back that she is always good. Her actions have no bearing on whether or not she is good. Use your stern mama tone, it brooks no argument.
When she says Ivy has a mind of her own, I ask who else's mind would she have? (I stole that from my mother, she was really irked by that comment one day).
I also have no qualms about saying what they just said and asking if that is what they meant. There is a history here, so I am not trying to preserve the relationship. But I have heard my husband echoing my words, when something out of line gets said. So you may end up leading by example.

[Little Forest]

Those relatives sound a bit toxic. You really do have the option to not spend time, or spend less time with them!
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[Teacher Mom]

Well I did have this happen to me when my kids were younger. And I told my father he couldn't talk to my dd like that. She was about 5 at the time and my father said something again and my dd said something to him. My father looked at me and said I should tell HER not to do it. I looked right at him and said, that's how you have been talking to HER and now you can't take it?????????? She's FIVE years old.

Now I don't live near my parents. They moved to Florida saying that none of their kids came to see them so they might as well go to Florida. Waaa Waaaa

I just saw Facebook COO on CBS yesterday and they said the best comment to address girls instead of saying they are "bossy" is to say she is a future executive!!!! Ilove that!!!!! My grandpa called my dd bossy once and it brought back flooding memories of myself being called bossy. I ate labels. And Imight be inclined to ask if we are now labeling everyone else too....:yes

Cause like Celtic said, I WAS told I was BAD and it did turn out to be a self forfulling prophecy. I countered back saying "you think THAT was bad" and then went and did more wrong stuff. those were not productive years for me, but I couldn't take the criticism anymore.

[ShepherdsWife]

I just saw Facebook COO on CBS yesterday and they said the best comment to address girls instead of saying they are "bossy" is to say she is a future executive!!!! Ilove that!!!!! My grandpa called my dd bossy once and it brought back flooding memories of myself being called bossy. I ate labels. And Imight be inclined to ask if we are now labeling everyone else too....:yes

I love that too! I will try to remember that when I hear the bossy comment. It is so sad how girls are cut-down for so many of their wonderful attributes.

Cause like Celtic said, I WAS told I was BAD and it did turn out to be a self forfulling prophecy. I countered back saying "you think THAT was bad" and then went and did more wrong stuff. those were not productive years for me, but I couldn't take the criticism anymore.

I totally understand that. I was told I was "too independent" and "too stubborn" and a man wouldn't want me because I was "too smart" and would be too educated if I kept learning and reading. I just decided that I didn't need a man then and didn't want a marriage and hated the idea of having children. It produced the absolute opposite effect intended and I "rebelled" thankfully. I don't want my children to have all those labels and descriptions thrown at them like that. My brother I remember when he left home was told over and over "you must not love God" and so he turned around and yelled back, "that's right, I don't". It wasn't true but after a while you just decide to be "bad", "rebellious", "stubborn", and whatever else because what's the use, no matter what that's what you are and you might as well live up to it and be good at it too!

Those relatives sound a bit toxic. You really do have the option to not spend time, or spend less time with them!
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We live very close, work together often farming, and my husband is super close to them. But, I think it is a boundary thing for sure that will have to be developed. Sometimes, I do just avoid them for a while and simply make my family not-available. I need time to think and re-group and figure out how to either say something and set up a boundary they respect or remove myself. I have no problems just walking out and leaving their house though. I am way less of a confrontational person, but I do the "leave and do my own thing anyway" really well :rockon

Have you read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? Get it and read it!

Lots of good ideas here and just want to reiterate what English Rose said. Very important to be empowered to set up boundaries around those kind of people.
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I LOVE that book and own it. I will have to re-read a little for ideas and encouragement. :)

[acissej]

Hope I'm not derailing your thread, Shepardswife, but I have a question that goes along with all of this. My husband and I have been trying to handle these types of comments with both of our families since our son was born 2 1/2 years ago. We've tried different ways of expressing ourselves-subtle hints, direct requests, etc. As a result, we've been told by both of our families numerous times that we are disrespectful. Now we're gun-shy to say anything, but feel like we're letting our son down by keeping our mouths shut and not doing what we believe is necessary to protect him. Any one else deal with this? Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?


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[ShepherdsWife]

Hope I'm not derailing your thread, Shepardswife, but I have a question that goes along with all of this. My husband and I have been trying to handle these types of comments with both of our families since our son was born 2 1/2 years ago. We've tried different ways of expressing ourselves-subtle hints, direct requests, etc. As a result, we've been told by both of our families numerous times that we are disrespectful. Now we're gun-shy to say anything, but feel like we're letting our son down by keeping our mouths shut and not doing what we believe is necessary to protect him. Any one else deal with this? Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?


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I have TOTALLY gotten that before from my family so I understand and you are NOT derailing the thread. Glad you could find a place to express your concerns. I think that some people think that anytime someone doesn't simply bow to their will they are being disrespected. My father-in-law seems to think that a lot. I am stubborn because I won't agree with him after he has told me I am wrong. I am willing to agree to disagree and he is not.....so, who really is the stubborn one?:doh
If you haven't read Boundaries by Townsend which was mentioned earlier than please do. It helped me a TON. I totally understand how you feel. I think you might point out that YOU are your sons parents and it is YOUR responsibility to see that his environment and the way he is raised is done according to how YOU feel God wants it done. It is YOUR place of AUTHORITY and NO ONE ELSES. God has entrusted YOU, not them and therefore they are able to do what is right in their lives in relation to THEIR REALM but not yours. Things like, "you can scream if you like, but we will remove ourselves from your presence while you do" works. It is their choice to scream, we can't control others but we CAN control where we place ourselves. If my in-laws say that in their house they will be speaking to my son how they like I am fully able to pick him up and say, "you can speak how you like here, but I can also choose for us to not be here". I have picked up my son out of my FIL's arms when my FIL was telling the 3 month old he was bad for crying and removed him. My FIL thought I was disrespectful and was livid, but it wasn't my FIL's son or choice. I didn't scream, cuss or treat my FIL unkindly. I simply take my job as a mother seriously. It is my job to protect and by the voice for my small child. Jesus took children seriously when people in his society didn't. Still today we tend to view kids as "lesser persons" instead of as Christians standing up for them. Manipulation and control are things that are not grace oriented. Don't let yourself fall under the curse of thinking that it is your responsibility to make others happy, or to refrain from your own convictions because they are encroaching your boundaries.
Another wonderful read on this is Families Where Grace is In Place!
:hugheart

[Kiara.I]

Hope I'm not derailing your thread, Shepardswife, but I have a question that goes along with all of this. My husband and I have been trying to handle these types of comments with both of our families since our son was born 2 1/2 years ago. We've tried different ways of expressing ourselves-subtle hints, direct requests, etc. As a result, we've been told by both of our families numerous times that we are disrespectful. Now we're gun-shy to say anything, but feel like we're letting our son down by keeping our mouths shut and not doing what we believe is necessary to protect him. Any one else deal with this? Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?


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It is not disrespectful to state a boundary. But it is a measure of the emotional health of the family if they think it is disrespectful.

It sounds like both your families are unhealthy. Now you get to choose how much of that unhealth you want your son exposed to. You absolutely can just pick up and leave if that's the best way to protect him.

Weigh what you owe to your son against what you owe to your family. Now measure what your family *thinks* you owe them against what you *actually* owe them--and make your choices from there.

[Rugayatu]

Hope I'm not derailing your thread, Shepardswife, but I have a question that goes along with all of this. My husband and I have been trying to handle these types of comments with both of our families since our son was born 2 1/2 years ago. We've tried different ways of expressing ourselves-subtle hints, direct requests, etc. As a result, we've been told by both of our families numerous times that we are disrespectful. Now we're gun-shy to say anything, but feel like we're letting our son down by keeping our mouths shut and not doing what we believe is necessary to protect him. Any one else deal with this? Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?


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Actually, they are the ones being disrespectful! He is your son and you get to choose how to raise him. They do not have any authority or right to question your parenting. One that has helped with my ILs is I noticed that their behavior is much better at our home, or even at a neutral location, than at their home. So, now we simply make it a point to have the majority of our time together either at our home or somewhere else where they don't feel it's "their territory" or whatever reason makes them behave so poorly in their own home.

My script for the next time my FIL says something about "disrespect" is as follows: "I understand that you feel that way, but frankly, your behavior in this area has not earned my respect." Or, depending on the situation: "Actually your behavior towards my child is the truly disrespectful thing in this situation. Children are people too and deserve respect; as her parent it is my job to see that my child is respected. If you will not be respectful of her, we are happy to leave and go elsewhere."

Thankfully, we do not live super close to my ILs, but we live closer than we used to and learned a lot of heard lessons during a too-long visit this summer. :doh We actually did leave and go stay in my BIL and SIL's camper for the last few days, because the stress was making DD physically ill. :sick :mad

[CelticJourney]

Remember is that often times when you say something to your parents about parenting, they take it as criticism of how they raised you. Sometimes 'that's disrespectful' really means 'I'm hurt'. One thing to try, if it fits or isn't too far off, is 'you did a great job raising me, now it's my turn to raise dd'. My parents were really grace/relationship based in their parenting but it had never occured to them to take spanking etc completely off the table. One day I just looked at my dad with mischief and said 'hey, you started this who love and communication thing, don't blame me that I just took it one step further'. :shifty

By all means set the boundary and if they push back, set it further, but if you can sweeten the 'medicine' then it helps. Often there is still that 'mama looking for affirmation' deep inside that grandma.

[megbar548]

Remember is that often times when you say something to your parents about parenting, they take it as criticism of how they raised you. Sometimes 'that's disrespectful' really means 'I'm hurt'. One thing to try, if it fits or isn't too far off, is 'you did a great job raising me, now it's my turn to raise dd'.

:cupSubbing for ideas here. We've had a LOT of clashing over parenting stuff with my ILs lately (ok, MIL. FIL has been his characteristic silent about the whole thing). I keep meaning to start my own thread about it, but honestly, it's been too disheartening to try to type it all out and see it in one place.

So, bouncing off of the point you made, CelticJourney... What to do/say when that DOESN'T fit? Like when there is really very very little about the parenting (on either side. our most recent issues are with ILs, but my FOO had been the bigger issue until all this blew up) that you agree with or respect? When you actually think they made some really really huge mistakes that are really crippling their adult children, but no one is really acknowledging of that? That everybody seems to be stuck under an illusion that the parenting was perfect/reallygreat and ought to be emulated and "honored" by being repeated?

[Hannah Elise]

:cup

[acissej]

:cupSubbing for ideas here. We've had a LOT of clashing over parenting stuff with my ILs lately (ok, MIL. FIL has been his characteristic silent about the whole thing). I keep meaning to start my own thread about it, but honestly, it's been too disheartening to try to type it all out and see it in one place.

So, bouncing off of the point you made, CelticJourney... What to do/say when that DOESN'T fit? Like when there is really very very little about the parenting (on either side. our most recent issues are with ILs, but my FOO had been the bigger issue until all this blew up) that you agree with or respect? When you actually think they made some really really huge mistakes that are really crippling their adult children, but no one is really acknowledging of that? That everybody seems to be stuck under an illusion that the parenting was perfect/reallygreat and ought to be emulated and "honored" by being repeated?

I'll come back later with more, but I just wanted to say YES to this. There are a lot of things that were done by both families that we now recognize have caused some big challenges in our adult lives. And now we're watching those same things happen to our child. :(


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[CelticJourney]

Here is where I have no pattern to have watched and repeated. My father was an orphan raised by his grandparents (and aunts and uncles) until his grandfather started deterorating and he went to live with uncles (loooong story). My mother's father died when she was a teen and her mother was gone before I was out of diapers. Mom's family was pretty dysfunctional, but because my dad was in the military and we lived all over, I never had the experience of seeing my parents put up boundaries with aunts and uncles, etc.

What I can tell you is that I think not having grandparents/aunts and uncles in my life was not a huge loss, especially as I get older and learn more about my mother's mother and sisters and know what I 'missed'. Some people see it as some idealic relationship - like sharing DNA makes magic happen. I think when love exists in a relationship, then they are blessings. When they don't, when there is harm being done, there is no shame is accepting that reality and putting some distance between vulnerable children and abusive adults.

So if there is nothing of redeeming value there, limit exposure. If you can't eliminate exposure or limit it enough, the only alternative I can suggest are 'be the bad guy' and state your boundary strong and firm and don't waiver. OR.....there is always playing 'crazy' - pretend they know better and act like their comments are a joke "oh man, you had me going there for a second. Anyone else would really have believed you think I should hurt my baby to make them convenient. So, did you see that game last night?....."

:shrug3

[Rugayatu]

You can replace the "you did a great job" with "you made the decisions you thought best when you were raising me, now it's my turn to make my own decisions about how to raise DD."

I will never change my ILs' minds about how wonderful their parenting was and how right spanking, etc is. But, I can still set boundaries that keep my DD safe. If they cannot respect those boundaries, they don't get to spend time with her. If they are upset, too bad so sad, it's their choice as adults to control their behavior or not and then live with the consequences. Fortunately, for us, my BIL/SIL (though they don't totally share our parenting philosophy) take the same stance towards FIL/MIL, so the grandparents are getting the same message from them. Are there other siblings you could discuss the issues with? IME it is hard for children, especially those raised punitively, to stand up to their parents (and even to see their parents' bad behavior, since they are used to it), but DH and his brother have both come a long way.

[ShepherdsWife]

This thread has been super helpful to me and I guess it is a little off, but I am now wondering if I need to work on myself and how I feel about it. I would appreciate your thoughts. I don't say a whole lot, but I get sooooooooo upset inside and it just ruins my day when my ILs are like this. I get angry:mad and think about it over and over and over and over. The past week my ILs have been better. This morning we went over for a few minutes because of my FIL birthday. I have to work so my DH and DS are going hiking with them. My FIL said something about how my brother-in-law raises my nieces. My DH shocked me and said that he thought they were turning out nicely so the method must not be that bad. My FIL countered that the little one I have mentioned before is bad. I piped up and said that she is a different personality and she will be a leader. I then said that she related to things differently than her sister and is a strong little girl who isn't easily manipulated. FIL said "nope, she is just a person like all other people". His point being that he doesn't really believe in individual child personalities creating different situations for discipline or justifying any different sort of behavior. He isn't much of a believer in individuals and definitely in children being respected as little people. I dropped it but he went on to say that my DS was a good example of an unpleasant child when he cried in the carseat at night. I ignored the statement, but he went on to say that ds is too loud. My ds is loud, but he has been since birth no matter what for. happy, sad, tired, etc. DS was loud this morning screaming his delight and disgust, but nothing like a tantrum....just a loud statement and then maybe a giggle at his own voice(he loves to hear himself scream). DS is loud but one of the moms who works for me told me her daughter was identical and when she learned to talk she quit screaming for everything. My husband said that loud wasn't bad....shock again at DH this morning!:rockon
My FIL disagreed with a look and something about not being enjoyable. the next time ds screamed my FIL screamed high pitched too. I at that point said, "children learn by example and if you can scream he is going to also". My FIL said again "nope"(favorite word of his) "he is just learning that it is silly to do when I scream". Then, something about ds being whinier when I am there. I had to leave for work and ran out the door totally upset and just flat mad:mad

So........am I part of the problem? Am I feeling over angry? How do I deal with all this frustration and emotions? Am I overreacting? I don't want to be overprotective and permissive, but after my childhood which recognized no personhood of a child and was very punitive I wonder how to do this? :(:nails:pray4:scratch:cry

[Kiara.I]

So........am I part of the problem? Am I feeling over angry? How do I deal with all this frustration and emotions? Am I overreacting? I don't want to be overprotective and permissive, but after my childhood which recognized no personhood of a child and was very punitive I wonder how to do this? :(:nails:pray4:scratch:cry

In what way are you meaning you might be part of the problem?

Your FIL is:
- rude
- uneducated about personality differences
- uneducated about child development
- uneducated about grace
- uneducated about manners
- illogical
- kinda mean, apparently.

I also have a loud child. We're working on it. It's been a process of YEARS, and we're still working on it. You said you're working on it. Great. Keep working on it.

That your child does not yet perfectly behave does not mean you're permissive. :no I can't see into your house. I don't know if you're permissive or not. :shrug3 But just because your child is loud doesn't mean you're permissive. :giggle

So...um...how much time does your son really *need* to spend with a FIL who has no social skills? (And, case in point, were his parents permissive? 'Cause he sure didn't seem to learn appropriate behaviour!)

[ShepherdsWife]

In what way are you meaning you might be part of the problem?

Your FIL is:
- rude
- uneducated about personality differences
- uneducated about child development
- uneducated about grace
- uneducated about manners
- illogical
- kinda mean, apparently.

I also have a loud child. We're working on it. It's been a process of YEARS, and we're still working on it. You said you're working on it. Great. Keep working on it.

That your child does not yet perfectly behave does not mean you're permissive. :no I can't see into your house. I don't know if you're permissive or not. :shrug3 But just because your child is loud doesn't mean you're permissive. :giggle

So...um...how much time does your son really *need* to spend with a FIL who has no social skills? (And, case in point, were his parents permissive? 'Cause he sure didn't seem to learn appropriate behaviour!)

I guess by me being part of the problem, I mean the way I feel it is a problem. DH thinks I need to learn to let it roll off my back more and ignore it. He thinks that my FIL should just be ignored. I am usually very non-confrontational and then tell DH when I get mad and we are home. DH thinks I overreact. I think he is defensive because they are his parents. So, I guess I am wondering if I need to learn to just let it go and not care about the constant bombardment of comments. I have a hard time just not hearing or not caring what FIL says. Maybe I am sensitive too much but I just feel that he is inappropriate and out of line.

As far as DS being loud, I am trying to help him soften. He is one of those high needs kids who still nurses and wants to be held. I don't see it as spoiled but I am trying to teach him ways besides a scream to tell me he wants to nurse or be held or be put to sleep. He finally got the sign for nursing down and that has helped with that scream a lot.

My FIL says I am part of the screaming problem and DS screams more when I am there. IDK but I do know he does scream more at the ILs than home. I am trying to sort this put but I am glad that for today I just don't have to be around ILs. I guess I am just trying to get some feedback and help on trying to see my way through this and figure out how to process and proceed.

I don't mind constructive comments. One friend told me to make DS stop screaming and watch the sign I wanted him to do before I nursed or picked up, etc. I started that and it worked. I would tell him "say this" and sign it and them give him what he wanted. That's when he started signing to nurse.

[twoplustwo]

So........am I part of the problem? Am I feeling over angry? How do I deal with all this frustration and emotions? Am I overreacting? I don't want to be overprotective and permissive, but after my childhood which recognized no personhood of a child and was very punitive I wonder how to do this? :(:nails:pray4:scratch:cry

No, I would be pretty upset & angry. So I wouldn't worry about that aspect. :hug2

I understand you FIL's point in that lots of loud can make it unenjoyable. Loud wears some people down but I would be upset by his reaction.

However, his reaction is not one I would allow. I know FIL gets irritated with my kids - he doesn't have a lot of patience in him. I expect him to go somewhere to be alone if that is what he needs (and he does do that). Can you come to an agreement with FIL - that when son is irritating him - the two of them separate?

From your other posts - its sounds like the inlaws are a big part of your family. So while it is in no way your child's fault and you should NOT have to, I would definitely let your child know that FIL is sensitive and he can work on being extra super duper quiet. Because effort on your part is going to be needed. But I would explain to FIL your expectations & not debate parenting techniques with him. You are doing A. When B happens we will do X (separate two people in conflict). Meanwhile you will remind your son that FIL has a big like for extreme quiet. And your FIL can work on biting his tongue when he is annoyed.

I haven't been in this situation - but thats what I would try. I am interested in reading other responses as well. My advice might not be the best - its just my best plan I could think of - and I know there are very wise gcms who are good with dealing with conflicts like this!

eta: we posted at the same time. No, I don't think you are being too sensitive. IMO, it is kind of a big deal. I mean you shouldn't hold a grudge & you should work on getting over it. And your dh is awesome for supporting you in front of your FIL. That is important. But I think the comments need to stop & not continue - so you shouldn't just let them roll off your back if that means allowing them to continue.

Venting about inlaws is a sticky one for us that we have been working on for years. My dh gets defensive (understandly) too. Its just something we work on. I try not to ever "complain", be very specific about what I don't like, why I don't like it and what I would like to see happen. It is still a hard place to for us sometimes too. :hug2

[CelticJourney]

..... DH thinks I need to learn to let it roll off my back more and ignore it. He thinks that my FIL should just be ignored. ....

My FIL says I am part of the screaming problem and DS screams more when I am there. IDK but I do know he does scream more at the ILs than home.

... I started that and it worked. I would tell him "say this" and sign it and them give him what he wanted. That's when he started signing to nurse.Ignore fil is all well and good for YOU, but small children don't have the ability to sort of the messages being given to them or the emotional strenght to discount such things. YOU can say 'ds isn't unpleasant, fil is to be ignored' but the real issues is what is that kind of message doing to your child. I would approach it from that angle with your dh

Next time fil says he screams more when you are around, just be honest 'he screams more here than at home, so by your logic, your home is the problem'.

Signing is great, but maturing is better. Give him time and don't push him just because your fil is unkind.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

I would suggest fewer statements intended to show FIL another way and stick to statements such as, "Do not make negative comments about DS in his presence." or "Our parenting is not up for discussion."

Your FIL doesn't sound like he is going to change his mind, and he sees your statements about different personalities or child development as an invitation to argue. :hug

[CelticJourney]

I would suggest fewer statements intended to show FIL another way and stick to statements such as, "Do not make negative comments about DS in his presence." or "Our parenting is not up for discussion."

Your FIL doesn't sound like he is going to change his mind, and he sees your statements about different personalities or child development as an invitation to argue. :hug

:yes

[Rugayatu]

I would suggest fewer statements intended to show FIL another way and stick to statements such as, "Do not make negative comments about DS in his presence." or "Our parenting is not up for discussion."

Your FIL doesn't sound like he is going to change his mind, and he sees your statements about different personalities or child development as an invitation to argue. :hug

Yes, this. Also: "If being around DS is too unpleasant for you, then you can go somewhere alone or we can go home, your choice."

[ShepherdsWife]

I was upset yesterday and told DH that I was super glad I didn't have to spend last Sabbath anywhere near his parents. At first, he told me to quit caring and overreacting. After a little bit of crying he finally admitted the way they were but told me, "that's just he way they are" then, he suggested I just start kindly stating my boundaries. I totally didn't think he would be ok with that, but slowly he is even starting to stand up in little ways. I am trying to not be confrontational with my dh but say little things that seem to be sinking in like, "how would you feel if ______" and putting my little ds's feeling into everything. Now, I am arming myself with scripts for each common situation.
Scripts are SUPER helpful for me. I am trying for ways that don't invite an argument, are kind, help boost the IL's fragile egos and protect their vulnerability, and create good boundaries.
Here are a few. I thought I would post them and other mommas might find it helpful to get ideas...I always do:

In response to my needing to spank: "You raised your children the way you thought was best for your family. It is now my responsibility to raise my children how I believe is best for our family. I would appreciate if if you would respect my choices and let it go."

In response to the bad child word: "My son's actions do not make him a good or bad person. I would appreciate if it if you would stop saying otherwise in front of him."

In response to FIL's screaming when ds screams: "We teach our children by modeling the behavior we would like to see. I would be grateful if you would try to not model screaming to him since that is a behavior I am trying to help him overcome."

I am hoping a few weeks of these responses will keep me from having to do a "we will leave now" response though I am prepared to do that. I have just walked out when I begin seeing red:mad, but I would rather try to say something and protect my boundaries and that of my son before that point.

[rjy9343]

Sometimes walking out is what it takes. I made it very clear that I would not allow Ivy to stay in my in laws home if anyone smoked. They ignored me and I said I smell smoke and left. They called my husband to ask what was wrong with me and he had to ask me what happened since he was not there. (We lived out of town and I was visiting my family). I told him what happened and he relayed it to them. They denied anyone smoked, but it never happened again.

[FlyingBlueKiwi]

Sounds like a good plabn.


In response to my needing to spank: "You raised your children the way you thought was best for your family. It is now my responsibility to raise my children how I believe is best for our family. I would appreciate if if you would respect my choices and let it go."

"You raised your children the way you thought was best for your family. It is now my responsibility to raise my children how I believe is best for our family. You need to let it go." (then decide what you will say if the response is "I will NOT let it go.")



In response to the bad child word: "My son's actions do not make him a good or bad person. I would appreciate if it if you would stop saying otherwise in front of him.".

"My son's actions do not make him a good or bad person. You need to stop saying otherwise in front of him."


In response to FIL's screaming when ds screams: "We teach our children by modeling the behavior we would like to see. I would be grateful if you would try to not model screaming to him since that is a behavior I am trying to help him overcome.".

"We teach our children by modeling the behavior we would like to see. Please do not model screaming to him since that is a behavior I am trying to help him overcome."


I am hoping a few weeks of these responses will keep me from having to do a "we will leave now" response though I am prepared to do that. I have just walked out when I begin seeing red:mad, but I would rather try to say something and protect my boundaries and that of my son before that point.

:rockon Way to go, mama!!!

[babyfeet]

Subbing...

[ShepherdsWife]

MaraL356 thanks for your edits! I think that helped my scripts a bunch :)