Boundaries

[ShepherdsWife]

What are reasonable boundaries and expectation for a 13 month old? These are the things I am wondering about:
1. pulling things off shelves and out of cupboards and drawers and potato bins literally ALL THE TIME...it is insane.
2. Bedtime and bouncing all over...is it acceptable/reasonable at this age to start teaching a little bit of quietness and laying down to sleep routine
3. ways to stop screaming when something is taken away or he isn't allowed to for instance go in the road or touch the stove or climb on top of the table...enforcing this is not acceptable or do you just allow it and think they'll grow out of it?

[Katigre]

I have a 13 month old. He does all of those things, and I work at teaching him how to not to them. I don't expect him to have mastered it at his age :no. What I've found most effective is saying the command as I simultaneously remove him from the situation and redirect him elsewhere.

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[Katigre]

So for bedtime, we have a routine and he's learning it.

For screaming I reflect feelings verbally and that helps a lot.

For getting into stuff I redirect him and move him.

I can tell you that with my older children, consistency with young toddlers paid off HUGELY as they got older because they learned to listen much earlier than if I'd just said "oh well that's a toddler" and not bothered to start teaching boundaries at that age.

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[Amber]

At that age I found baby/toddler proofing was my best defense. The taller my toddler got, the higher up I moved things on the book shelf, filling the lower shelves with his book and baskets for toys. I put magnetic locks on the cabinets and gated off areas of the he house. When my first baby was around this age I was newly pg with baby #2 and very tired, there was no way I was chasing him around the house all day long.

Besides baby proofing, I found that stating what I wanted him to do in the positive as I was helping him do it helped. So instead of "No standing on the chair" I would say "Sit on the chair" as I moved to help him sit down. Then repeat it over and over.

It takes a long time for them to internalize everything and have the impulse control to follow the rules...but being consistent at this age really does pay off in the long run when they are older.

Also check out the "Your XX Year Old" series. They have them for each age and give a great idea of what is age expected behavior.

[hippiehobbit]

Loving these responses, as I have the same questions about my 13 month old!

For getting into stuff, babyproofing has helped a lot, but we've had to get creative. For example, she loves taking all the DVDs out of the drawers of our TV console. Not a big deal...until she started throwing them! :no So I took out the DVDs and filled the drawers with a few of her toys. Generally, if a shelf, drawer, or cabinet is low enough for her to reach it, I've had to modify it so it's either empty or only contains things that she can play with. Maybe I'm lazy, but for me, this is way easier than constantly redirecting. :shrug3

Now, for things that she really can't play with (like glass bottles or my earrings or the cat food or all the other random stuff she somehow gets into despite my babyproofing efforts :hunh), I take it away, say "Not for [baby's name]," and replace it with something that's safe for her to play with. She screams and throws herself on the floor, but better than than choking on an earring. I'm not really sweating this behavior yet and am hoping it's just a phase. It must be so frustrating to have found a "treasure" that mama takes away for no apparent reason. ;)

Our constants are "not for baby," "gentle touches," and redirection, redirection, redirection. Hope that helps, and thanks for all the great ideas! :rockon

[bolt.]

What are reasonable boundaries and expectation for a 13 month old?
I consider that very much a part of the "show and tell" phase of learning limits: when the parent states the limit, but also does (whatever the limit is) for the child -- merely as a demonstration of the meaning of the words.

The expectation of a 13 month old is that s/he will have no impulse control, and will therefore do whatever occurs to him/her.

Reasonable boundaries limits are accomplished through parental intervention -- so your effort levels will determine this. If something is important to you, you will make a boundary for it, supervise, enact, repeat and teach that boundary until it sinks in (and the misbehavior ceases to occur to the child). Other things will be harder, if they aren't something that you approach with full consistency.

These are the things I am wondering about:
1. pulling things off shelves and out of cupboards and drawers and potato bins literally ALL THE TIME...it is insane.
So, for this, I'd be "show and telling" two phrases:
- "Not for children"
- "Come away"
Whenever she touches one of these things, come close to her and say clearly and gently "Not for children." -- as you gently close your hands over his/her hands and bring the child's hands close to his/her body. Then say, "Come away." -- as you sweetly pick her up and bring her over to some interesting toys. Sit with her and play with the toys. Ignore the mess until you can clean it up without drawing her attention.

It will take about 2 or 3 months, and you will notice that when you say, "Not for children." -- she will curl her own hands, and when you say, "Come away." -- she will begin to look around for whatever interesting thing you have in mind.

At that point, you can start saying the key words, gently touching her hands, letting her do the actions herself, pointing at the interesting thing (instead of carrying her). If she doesn't automatically do what the words mean, merely demonstrate it again, and again, and again -- Yes. This means months. Sooner or later, it will settle into her that "(this) always happens when (that) is said" and she will accept that as the state of the universe and you will be able to give her those specific instructions from as much as 6 to 10 feet away (always ready to step closer if she needs another demonstration).

2. Bedtime and bouncing all over...is it acceptable/reasonable at this age to start teaching a little bit of quietness and laying down to sleep routine
Yes, absolutely. Use your body and demeanor to calm her. Hold her, hug her, read to her, speak softly, sing slow songs.

If she bounces up, say, "Softly now" -- as you pick her up, kiss her, pet her like a kitty cat. Your body teaches her body what those words mean.

3. ways to stop screaming when something is taken away or he isn't allowed to for instance go in the road or touch the stove or climb on top of the table...enforcing this is not acceptable or do you just allow it and think they'll grow out of it?
Screaming is fine: her feelings of frustration are real, and she is too little to do anything other than scream. It will help if you offer comfort to her, helping her feelings feel less intense or overwhelming. Maybe try teaching her to breathe at a measured rate by exaggerating your own breathing and blowing gently in her face in a rhythmic way as you hold her (after the most intense screaming has dwindled).

[ShepherdsWife]

Thanks so much for all these great ideas and help. Everyone outside of this group seems to only think time-out in a crib, slapping hands, and spanking. It is refreshing to hear some suggestions and confirmation of what is acceptable and normal that I can actually USE! :D

[Mommainrwanda]

When redirecting we often ended up using the phrase, "If you want to chew on/play with/throw something, use this" while removing the unwanted object from the Urchin and giving her a toy. By the time she was three she was using the exact same inflection and action with the dog when it took one of her toys! :haha