I need Help with this situation!!!

[DavidKelleyMay18]

A few of my kids have penpals. I'm at a loss about what to do. My 12 yr. got a pen-pal in September. DS was very excited! He wrote a letter right away. Then about a mo. later he got a letter. I had correspondence with the mom a few times before the letter arrived. It got sent back etc.. to them. Wasn't sure whether it was going to be another penpal that didn't work out or not. So my son sent out his 2nd letter sometime in November I'm guessing. So I asked my son what he wanted me to do to get a new penpal, or to try again today as it had been a while. He asked me to email the mom. I emailed her today asking if her if her son was still interested. I told her that I'd rather know that he's not interested than to put my son's desire into something that is not going to come to it. Her response to me was telling me that her son's feelings were hurt as apparently my son sent back a picture that her son drew. She said that my son sent back her son's hard worked on picture. She said that my son sent a story that frankly made no sense is what she said but she instructed her son to be loving by asking questions toward it and not to send it back because we don't have "need" of it. Then she went on about being different..etc I am still a little baffled by the entire situation. My first response was there's no way Kyle did that. He didn't do that. If you knew Kyle he is very responsible never wants to hurt anyone's feelings and wants to help everyone. So I asked him about it. He said he thought it was a cool picture, but he didn't need it and thought it was special and his pen-pal liked it so he sent it back to him. He knew he drew it, but didn't realize that his pen-pal drew it special for him and didn't know the person that he drew. DS is totally black and white. I asked him to get the letter that his pen pal wrote as he doesn't remember him saying that he liked it for him or something like that. Well it said who the picture was that he drew and that he liked it it was special to him. He's like it didn't say he drew it special for him. (again black & white). He doesn't see that he did anything wrong. I have raised my kids like at Christmas Time to say thank-you when someone gives you a gift even if you don't like it. We don't have to keep it, but we don't want to hurt feelings. I told him to sleep on it, and we'd talk about it tomorrow. I feel bad! At the same time I really feel like and wished the mom had contacted me before. Was the boy or the mom just going to ignore my son's letters instead of stating what happened. I wish I really had known what happened sooner, so that we could try to make the situation better sooner. DH of course said that DS needs to apologize. I said that needs to be on his part not ours. I'm not going to order him to apologize. What do you suggest? Did I handle any of this wrong? I'm sure that he'll want to write him a letter explaining, but any ideas on anything what to do. Sorry soo long!

Thanks!

[ReedleBeetle]

I'm not sure if I completely understand, so let me reflect what I think you are saying first.

Your DS has a penpal (PP) and the PP drew a picture and sent it to your son. Your son misunderstood that the PP drew it for your DS, and thought the PP really liked the picture and wanted it back. So....he wrote back and sent the picture back as well. Now the PP is offended because his picture got sent back? I'm not sure....is the other child wanting to send back what your DS wrote? The other mother is not wanting to continue the PP relationship over this picture...correct? Like, she is misunderstanding and thinking your DS was being rude?

If my understanding is correct, then what I personally would do, is have my son write the PP a letter explaining that he misunderstood the intention behind the picture and though the PP would want it back. I would have him write a complement or 2 about the picture. I would have him apologize for any possible offense. If you or your DS wanted, he could ask to continue the PP relationship.

It is hard to understand all the intricacies without being there though, because it sounds like there might be more to this than just the picture. Do you and the mom have drastically different views or anything? You refer to not knowing if it is going to work out earlier on. I don't know...if there are other problems, then I might just let it go.

I remind Isaac that sometimes, when we put ourselves out there, things happen in misunderstanding or hurt, that we don't really like. It doesn't mean that we stop trying to be involved with other people (in general) but sometimes, there comes a point where we have to realize that certain people are just not healthy for us. I'm not sure which this is for you and your DS, but I don't, nor can I effectively, try to shield my son from all hurts. They happen. They are a part of life. They can be great teaching tools. I don't want him destroyed by the hurts of other people or anything, but some things are just life.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

I'm not sure if I completely understand, so let me reflect what I think you are saying first.

Your DS has a penpal (PP) and the PP drew a picture and sent it to your son. Your son misunderstood that the PP drew it for your DS, and thought the PP really liked the picture and wanted it back. So....he wrote back and sent the picture back as well. Now the PP is offended because his picture got sent back? I'm not sure....is the other child wanting to send back what your DS wrote? The other mother is not wanting to continue the PP relationship over this picture...correct? Like, she is misunderstanding and thinking your DS was being rude?

If my understanding is correct, then what I personally would do, is have my son write the PP a letter explaining that he misunderstood the intention behind the picture and though the PP would want it back. I would have him write a complement or 2 about the picture. I would have him apologize for any possible offense. If you or your DS wanted, he could ask to continue the PP relationship.

It is hard to understand all the intricacies without being there though, because it sounds like there might be more to this than just the picture. Do you and the mom have drastically different views or anything? You refer to not knowing if it is going to work out earlier on. I don't know...if there are other problems, then I might just let it go.

I remind Isaac that sometimes, when we put ourselves out there, things happen in misunderstanding or hurt, that we don't really like. It doesn't mean that we stop trying to be involved with other people (in general) but sometimes, there comes a point where we have to realize that certain people are just not healthy for us. I'm not sure which this is for you and your DS, but I don't, nor can I effectively, try to shield my son from all hurts. They happen. They are a part of life. They can be great teaching tools. I don't want him destroyed by the hurts of other people or anything, but some things are just life.

You said everything perfectly. You basically understood the situation. There's nothing more to it. My son just thought that his pen-pal would like it better than my son did. By the way of her response of saying about my son's story "frankly making no sense gives me the indication that maybe they think that he was being rude, and like well your son's story was bad. I'm thinking that this may end up in a situation as you mentioned unhealthy because of this. After letting ds sleep on it he mentioned writing to apologize. He's not sure if he wants to continue to write. I personally think it should end now. I also want this to be ds's choice. DS said to me this morning when talking about that he's a little upset that his pen-pal went 2 mos. and said nothing, and I think they would have gone a few mos. and so with my ds writing and no response. I emailed her yesterday asking her if her son was interested, and I'd rather know instead of not knowing. I just can't imagine leaving one hanging. It's always better to say how you feel. DS wasn't mean in the letters he was asking questions..etc so he wasn't being rude otherwise. Not the best choice to send back I know. Everything is a learning experience. He understands now, and said I won't do that again. I think he'll do the apologize letter, and then let it be. I guess I needed to be sure I was giving my son the right advice.

Thanks!

[Marsha]

It sounds like a REALLy high level of involvement for 12 yr olds. From both you and the other kids' mom. I wouldn't manage my 9 yr olds social interactions to that degree, let alone one almost a teenager. I wonder if it would be ok to just let them work it out, let 12 yr old have his disappointment, etc. It's hard to keep up a penpal at that age in this day and time anyway.

[ReedleBeetle]

I agree, way too much involvement...and way too much in the way of assuming hurt I think...on both sides it appears. I mean, if they want to be pen pals, then let them be pen pals....if not...then let it be. :shrug3 Are there special needs or something involved? I have a friend with a child about that age and she has to be pretty involved, but there are special needs that affect his ability to navigate social situations.

[bolt.]

I think it's a waste of your time and energy to even consider micro managing your teenage son's pen-pal social errors. It's done. Whoops, he hurt someone's feelings unintentionally. Yep. People do that all the time.

Does he want a new pen pal? Arrange for one.
Does he want to apologize? Give him a stamp.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

So should I not have ds even deal with the situation. When he got the pen pal I let it be his pen pal. I would ask oh what did he say, but I let it be his social thing. As I said I didn't even know that ds hurt this other boys feelings. I'm not trying to make an issue out of this. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. DS told me this morning after sleeping on it that he wished that the boy would have told him what happened. It kind of upset him that the mom emailed me about it. I agree that it's the boys issue. That's sort of what bothered me that all of a sudden she told me that the boy was mad at DS. I found the penpal on a post card trading site that's why I asked the mom if her son was still interested. I have no idea if there are special needs. The boy only wrote one letter to my ds. My son sent letters 2X. We are already on the way to a new penpal, so that part is done. I don't think it's good to continue this penpal, and ds decided on his own that he wanted someone new.

[natural_mama]

I dunno I think maybe it comes across as more involvement on your part than there actually was - you organised the penpal for your son then left him to it til he asked you for some help right? Sounds like the other mother might be taking things on board abit much, not you. If I found myself in this situation I think I would encourage my son to write a letter explaining and apologising for any unintentionally hurt feelings, as well as politely thanking him for taking the time to write and wishing him luck with any future penpals. It teaches the skill of withdrawing from and closing off a situation in a respectful, polite manner even when you're upset - being the bigger person as it were. Then I'd organise another penpal, maybe run through some etiquette (because how do our children know if we don't teach them? It gives them things to think about that they might not otherwise due to lack of maturity and/or experience) and leave him to it. Good on him for wanting to stick at the penpal thing :) I had penpals on and off growing up and it was so cool!

---------- Post added at 02:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:34 PM ----------

Oh just to clarify - I wouldn't encourage him to apologise like 'I'm sorry I was mean and you got hurt feelings', its about saying 'I'm sorry this situation left you feeling hurt'. Teaching the difference between apologising for your actions versus acknowledging how an unintentional situation caused hurt.