homesteadmama
12-18-2011, 10:32 PM
OK, I've read the 4yo book, and I know that a lot of it is *wanting* it to be so, or imagining it to be so, but let me tell you this scenario, because I just need help processing it.
This morning DD (almost 5yo) pulled DS2 (11mo) up onto our hugely-high-king-size-bed. I've told her before not to do this (only once, and I could see how she might have forgotten, so I'm not holding it against her). She was the only one in the room with him, and he fell off. Got pretty hurt...cried for a good long time. (He's fine, but was not feeling good when it happened!). I was in the shower, and dh was making breakfast, and he ran in to rescue hurt DS. He asked her what happened, and she said "he fell off the bed". He asked her how he got up on the bed (it is impossible for him to climb up on it), and she said, "I don't remember." I heard this, and having heard this quite a few times lately, said, "S, you remember....how did he get up there?" She got really upset and started screaming and kicking, and had a fit. Looking back, I shouldn't have said that from the shower. I maybe shouldn't even had said it at all (?). It turned into her not feeling safe, and going into fight or flight because we didn't believe her (but rightly so). She was protecting herself. Dh and I both could see what was unfolding, and we both dropped it. He comforted her, and we decided to come back to it later.
We were debriefing it tonight, and we realized that she 1) knew that what she did caused him to get hurt, and she felt bad, and 2) didn't want to disappoint us by admitting that to us. We also have been talking about what "lying" is a lot (she's been asking us lots of questions about it mostly, and we've been using the teachable moments). So I think she's also 3) not wanting to lie. So the only solution is to say, "I don't know". It saves face, doesn't disappoint us, but also she isn't lying, which I know she knows is wrong, and doesn't want to do. So I get it. I get where she is.
Dh thinks we should just let it lie (no pun intended, :lol). But part of me wonders if we're allowing her to lie by allowing her to say she doesn't know. He thinks we should establish the safety, because that is what will allow her to feel free to tell the truth. I agree with this, that I want my kids to feel safe with me...he remembers telling his mom after he threw a party, smoked cigarettes, and drank beer in HS. He says the only reason he told her he'd done it was because he knew he was safe with her. And he was right. Her reaction was one of safety. I want my kids to feel that safe with me too! But I don't think I've yet accomplished that with dd. I was raised in a very punitive family, and I'm really struggling to change my mindset....man, it's HARD!
Maybe I just needed to process this....I'm thinking that since she *knows* not to pull ds up on the bed (and obviously she feels bad about it), she won't likely do it again. But I feel like I'm not teaching her not to lie if I let her say "I don't know" and don't call her on it. But somewhere I think maybe my punitive mindset is influencing that feeling.
Thoughts? What should my response be next time she says "I don't know" to something she obviously does know, but is afraid of the consequences?
This morning DD (almost 5yo) pulled DS2 (11mo) up onto our hugely-high-king-size-bed. I've told her before not to do this (only once, and I could see how she might have forgotten, so I'm not holding it against her). She was the only one in the room with him, and he fell off. Got pretty hurt...cried for a good long time. (He's fine, but was not feeling good when it happened!). I was in the shower, and dh was making breakfast, and he ran in to rescue hurt DS. He asked her what happened, and she said "he fell off the bed". He asked her how he got up on the bed (it is impossible for him to climb up on it), and she said, "I don't remember." I heard this, and having heard this quite a few times lately, said, "S, you remember....how did he get up there?" She got really upset and started screaming and kicking, and had a fit. Looking back, I shouldn't have said that from the shower. I maybe shouldn't even had said it at all (?). It turned into her not feeling safe, and going into fight or flight because we didn't believe her (but rightly so). She was protecting herself. Dh and I both could see what was unfolding, and we both dropped it. He comforted her, and we decided to come back to it later.
We were debriefing it tonight, and we realized that she 1) knew that what she did caused him to get hurt, and she felt bad, and 2) didn't want to disappoint us by admitting that to us. We also have been talking about what "lying" is a lot (she's been asking us lots of questions about it mostly, and we've been using the teachable moments). So I think she's also 3) not wanting to lie. So the only solution is to say, "I don't know". It saves face, doesn't disappoint us, but also she isn't lying, which I know she knows is wrong, and doesn't want to do. So I get it. I get where she is.
Dh thinks we should just let it lie (no pun intended, :lol). But part of me wonders if we're allowing her to lie by allowing her to say she doesn't know. He thinks we should establish the safety, because that is what will allow her to feel free to tell the truth. I agree with this, that I want my kids to feel safe with me...he remembers telling his mom after he threw a party, smoked cigarettes, and drank beer in HS. He says the only reason he told her he'd done it was because he knew he was safe with her. And he was right. Her reaction was one of safety. I want my kids to feel that safe with me too! But I don't think I've yet accomplished that with dd. I was raised in a very punitive family, and I'm really struggling to change my mindset....man, it's HARD!
Maybe I just needed to process this....I'm thinking that since she *knows* not to pull ds up on the bed (and obviously she feels bad about it), she won't likely do it again. But I feel like I'm not teaching her not to lie if I let her say "I don't know" and don't call her on it. But somewhere I think maybe my punitive mindset is influencing that feeling.
Thoughts? What should my response be next time she says "I don't know" to something she obviously does know, but is afraid of the consequences?