Need advice

[walkwallfall]

So my 8 mo is an incredibly clingy baby. He is extremely attached to me. When I have left him for an hour or two in the nursery when I go to MOPs, he cries hysterically until I come back. He doesn't cry immediately when I leave but he does flip out after I don't come back.

He will take a bottle for me but not with other people. When I left him for our anniversary dinner, he would only eat a little banana and refused to go to sleep. Same with my birthday. He apparently was upset almost the entire time I was gone on my birthday. :-/

Well, dh's work Christmas party is Friday and it usually goes until 11:00. I'd love to go and not worry but my 8 mo doesn't even let dh put him to sleep or give him a bottle. He just cries and cries until I come. Last night dh tried for over 30 minutes and The baby just screamed louder and louder and got hysterical until I got there.

I don't know what happened or what to tell the babysitter.

[bolt.]

I wish you had more time before this special event. Chances are that your baby will react similarly to the way he did the other times.

There are encouraging things about your situation that tell me that you can slowly increase his tolerance for non-mommy care over time. This technique uses baby steps.

Possible Baby Steps for Feeding:

1. Takes bottle from mommy.

2. Dad sits beside mommy while mommy gives bottle, in baby's line of sight.

3. Dad wraps arms around mommy and touches baby while mommy gives bottle.

4. Mommy hands dad the bottle to hold briefly during a feeding, with arms wrapped around mom, baby still on mommy's lap etc. Only for a few sucks.

5. Extend time frame of dad holding bottle during feeding together.

6. Dad holds bottle entire time while feeding together.

7. Edge baby closer to dad's lap over the course of feeding, with mommy still holding baby.

8. Slowly move towards dad holding baby on his own lap, mommy touching baby.

9. Eventually reach the point of dad holding and feeding, mom just sitting beside in sight.

10. Mom edges away, reads a book, is more distant.

11. Mom is quite far away but still in sight during dad feeding.

12. Mom moves around the room during a dad feeding, leaving line of sight for very brief moments.

13. Extend 'out of sight' moments.

14. Begin visibly leaving the room for very brief moments.

15. Extend out of the room moments.

16. Leave the room for most of the feeding.

17. Try just dad offering a bottle alone.

... then do something like the same thing (from sitting-beside to leaving the room) with one or two other care givers, creating a wider range of acceptable feeders, which might open him up to the possibility of anyone.

This is probably going to take months, since I'm sure dad is not there every time you give a bottle, and you might not be bottle feeding all the time yourself. That's OK. It's better to increse the baby's comfort level slowly than to do stressful things and hope they work.

Similarly, with being left in a nursery: Start with how much time is currently OK, and come back before baby is distressed. This assures the baby that it is OK to be there and you will be back before it becomes upsetting (rather than teaching that this place is the place that always becomes upsetting eventually, before mommy returns). Slowly extend this period of time (even in increments of 1 minute, or 30 seconds at first) and you will probably find that his sense of security stretches little by little quite easily -- It is based on the sense that you will always return appropriately. (The trick is returning before he is upset.)

Yep, that's tough for mops, but most groups are fine with moms holding their babies in the group time. So, for now, maybe he's only in the nursery for the first 7 minutes, but before long it will be 10 or 15, and after than he might decide that everything is fine and easily cope with 90 minutes.

I hope this helps with the longer term plan. I don't have any kind of plan that would help with Friday.

[dukeofhazzard]

I've done the 8monthold thing three times now, and not one of them would have been okay being left 'till 11 p.m. with a sitter :hugheart. Bolt has some great suggestions, but she's right, none of them are going to work by Friday night. :hugheart

[Kiara.I]

Can't you just make yourself a gorgeous ring sling and take him with you?

[MarynMunchkins]

I think if you're going Friday, you'll have to tell the baby-sitter the baby is going to scream. :shifty

The only way I got to leave the baby at that age was to leave them with someone we had known since birth. Even then, there was a lot of crying. :hug It's a rough age - they're needy and want mom, and you've spend months not having any time to yourself and really need a break.

[walkwallfall]

I really do want/need a break. I'd like to get one and dh's christmas party is usually our big night out. Has been for years. Oh well. I knew what I was signing up for when I had kids.

Thanks for the great suggestions. I'll try what I can, other than that I'll cross my fingers, hope for the best and be ready to come home when needed.

It's nice to know others understand and go through this stage too though. It's always incredibly comforting to know. :heart

[Little Forest]

I would take it as it is not the time for me to leave the baby under those circumstances. It will be different next year or the year after, hopefully.

[ReedleBeetle]

I'm surprised no one is coming to get you and is letting him cry for that long. I would have a real problem with that, personally. Babies that age are just getting a grasp on object permanence (that it is still there when they can't see it) and they know mom should be there. Often teething is happening, they are becoming more aware of scary things....it is a hard age for them, and thus a hard age for you. My son was 7.5 months when we adopted him. I feel so bad that we had to just hold him through LOTS of tears. Poor little guy. I wish there had been a different way. It still has huge impacts on his ability to separate.

[RainbowMummy]

Can you take your baby? I'm taking my 10 month old to my husbands Christmas party tomorrow night. My 3 year old has only just been comfortable with me leaving her for extended periods since about 4 months ago. She would have been just 3 & she has her older sister with her too which helps.

[mrsd]

Would it be possible to take him along?

[marigold]

Would it be possible to take him along?

this :yes it's not a break if you are worried about your sweet baby crying his heart out the whole time you are gone. That is just no fun. I hope you can find a way to make it work for both of you, I know how encouraging and refreshing adult company can be when you are around littles all day. :hugheart

[kiloyd]

I think you either take him, don't go, or leave him with a sitter knowing he'll not like it.

If you need the break then go. Otherwise, just wait out the phase, next year will be better.

[Bumblebee]

i don't have any advice to add that hasn't already been posted by these other mamas but couldnt read without giving :hugheart my oldest two were very "only mama" until about 2-2.5 and i suspect K will be the same way.

[dukeofhazzard]

Oh yes, if you have a sling, he would probably fall asleep and just be along for the ride all evening. :yes

[walkwallfall]

I can't bring him. It's a really formal party and it can be pretty loud. (Oh to have a society that expects nursing mothers to bring their babies with them everywhere. ;) )

The sitter is my sister and my BIL so I told them that they could try putting him to bed but if it doesn't work that they could just hold him and wait until I come home. They are available to call me whenever they want me to come home.

I am less nervous because I have more of a game plan in my head now.

[Kiara.I]

I can't bring him. It's a really formal party and it can be pretty loud. (Oh to have a society that expects nursing mothers to bring their babies with them everywhere. ;) )

:shifty I might possibly with my second have done society the favour of assuming that it was that enlightened by just *bringing* my baby without asking. :shifty Possibly. :giggle

Anyway, if you're not comfortable bringing him, then you're not.

You will all survive the evening.

Maybe leave a t-shirt that you've worn that day that he can cuddle against/be wrapped in? Smells like you...

[Tasmanian Saint]

I can't bring him. It's a really formal party and it can be pretty loud. (Oh to have a society that expects nursing mothers to bring their babies with them everywhere. ;) )
Be the change you want to see in the world ;)
ButAnyway, if you're not comfortable bringing him, then you're not.:shrug

Hope you have a great time :)

[WingsOfTheMorning]

What time does he go to bed? Would it be possible to put him to bed yourself before you leave...maybe get to the party a little late?

[hopeforchange]

i wouldn't go. :no not with that little of a baby, knowing they were going to be that upset while i'm gone. you can plan another special night out with your dh, where you can take baby.

my dh has Christmas parties every year with work at a super nice restaurant. i always love going. my FIL is dh's boss, so the first year after the boys were born, we took them. FIL likes to show off his grandkids and he and MIL were there to help me out with them and dd.

last year, MIL watched the boys, but they were over a year old and MIL had been living with us for over a year at that point, so i knew they would be fine. and this year, of course, they're over 2 so it's not an issue.

but dh likes me to come on business dinners with him occasionally, and up until about 2 months ago, i had to tell him no. the boys weren't ready to be put to bed by someone else, even if it was MIL. they are night weaned and need that last nursing as they go to sleep and they don't really go to sleep for anyone else except me or dh. so i just had to miss out b/c it wasn't in the best interest of my kids.

obviously, in the end, it's your choice. :) but my personal opinion is that since your baby is still so little and you already know he will be upset, i wouldn't go.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

TBH, if it were me, I wouldn't go, but I'm not saying that's what you should do. It is okay to bow out though for the sake of your babe. Is it the party you really want or the break?

My experience has been that both my girls are okay being left for short times during the day after 4-6 mths. In the evening, I took them anywhere at first. It at about 6 months they really just want to be home in bed in the evening.

We just try to work around this by going out together or giving me breaks during the day. :hug2

[walkwallfall]

I DO want a break but my dh was just given a big promotion and a big raise and he feels like we should be there - at least for a little while. I like the idea of coming a little late and putting the baby down myself. I think thatll work.

For my dh's sake, I think I will at least try and tell him we'll leave as soon as we are needed.

[Bumblebee]

how did it go? :hug