Clothing battles!! HELP ME!!!!!

[TrinMama]

I am at the end of my rope with my oldest. She just turned 7. Recently, she has decided to stop helping around the house, including taking care of her laundry. So, I took away her clothes. We agreed to a policy that I would choose her clothes, but she could have three minutes (her idea) to respectfully ask for something else and choose it herself. That worked, for a bit. Now she is flat out being nasty, tantruming over the choices. She is acting ungrateful, spoiled, entitled, picky. On Thursday, she screamed for 30 minutes. Today, for 15. Short of putting her in a uniform every day, I don't know what to do. HELP ME.

[Kiara.I]

So, if she's supposed to do her own laundry--why not just let her run out of clothes on her own, and leave yourself out of getting in the middle?

[ReedleBeetle]

Yes, I would either let her run out of clothes OR I would help her make a calendar of what she is wearing each day if she can handle it. It could be she has lots of "favorites" and so she is having trouble because she doesn't want to neglect an outfit. If she can see that over 7 days she can wear a favorite each day, it might help her not feel overwhelmed.

[TrinMama]

So, if she's supposed to do her own laundry--why not just let her run out of clothes on her own, and leave yourself out of getting in the middle?

Well, she was helping fold and put away. Not *too* much, for a seven year old, right? I suppose I could still let her run out...

Yes, I would either let her run out of clothes OR I would help her make a calendar of what she is wearing each day if she can handle it. It could be she has lots of "favorites" and so she is having trouble because she doesn't want to neglect an outfit. If she can see that over 7 days she can wear a favorite each day, it might help her not feel overwhelmed.

I might run this idea by her.

[Little Forest]

I don't know how much help I will be. My 7 yr old DD can be a bit tough to deal with too. I can't seem to expect her to take care of all of her clothes though I am trying to get her to pitch in more and mostly have her deliver her stacked laundry from the living room to the right drawers in her room.

I don't like giving her the option that her folding not being done. 7 just seems to young. It seems like that is a mother's responsibility to see to it that it happens. Now, 18 would be a different story. It reflects on me if my children do not have appropriate clean clothes to wear and I don't like clothing dramas to waste my time.

How about, she chooses when it gets done, but it still has to get done, not just taken away. What about it gets done before playing with friends or playing outdoors if she hasn't done it from the day before?

I am mostly anti-media, but if your DD is allowed to sit on the computer or watch tv, I would definitely say that those can be postponed until the laundry is done and that might help her choose to do it sooner.

Sometimes my DD is in a mood and I just have to let her decompress from time at school or give her space to herself. When she is in a bad mood there is no chance I would get her to do anything for me, but otherwise she is willing to be helpful.

It is hard for her to see that she is the one who is expected to do the most even though I explain that the others will do it when they are her age. That is why we started an allowance for her this year, but we are still figuring that one out. I didn't want to use a reward as motivation to do work, but it can be hard to motivate otherwise. :shrug3

Now, is there anything that could have caused her to just stop helping out with it? I always find that individual attention to them helps out a lot even though I am spread so thin around here and that is nearly impossible to do with my hands so full. Could she use more one on one attention from you? How about folding laundry together? Or how about waiting until she is 8 to expect her to fold laundry. :bag

Is there something else she is able to do? I would say, see what she says she is willing to do to help you and then help her to stick to that.

Anyway, just some thoughts for you.

[TrinMama]

I can use some of those ideas. Just tonight I was thinking that maybe if she had something special, like allowance no one else gets, it might help her feel better about growing up and having responsibility. I was always folding clothes with the kids...no idea why the change. Sometimes I feel like maybe they just don't care what they're told, they will whine about it with no respect.

[Titus2Momof4]

So, when you say she decided to stop taking care of her laundry, you mean she stopped folding and putting away--is that right? At first I thought you meant she was 100% responsible for her laundry (getting the dirties into the washer, rotating into the dryer, fold, put away), but it sounds like that's not what you mean. :scratch

Assuming that her job is folding and putting away and that THAT is what you meant by "she refuses to help"--what about just pulling the clothes from the dryer, like usual, and tossing her the basket of clothes. If she refuses to fold/put away, then the clothes stay in the basket in her room--wrinkled and all. She'd soon see that it's more difficult to get dressed when you're hunting through a basket for matching pieces and socks, and that she probably won't like wearing wrinkled clothes... (and no, I don't think having her fold/put away is too much for a 7 y/o)

[sweetpeas]

I'd recommend reading Danny Silk's book Loving Our Kids on Purpose (or something close to that). Based on that book, the laundry would be handled this way:

Tell her she needs to fold/put away her laundry. If she doesn't do it, you fold it and put it away, then charge her for it (this can be in the form of money (if she gets allowance/has money), if she doesn't have money you can take a toy in payment, or she can "earn" your services by doing additional chores. It's up to you whether you give her the choice between all 3 of those or simply require payment. Strike a balance between making the payment high enough to get her attention but not so high she can't pay. Remain calm through the whole process, don't let it become your problem.

As far as tantrums over clothes, again, stay calm, don't let it become your problem. State her options, if she throws a tantrum and doesn't comply calmly move on. I'd probably make sure we moved on to something fun. . . (outside time, story time, making cookies, whatever, so that the long drawn out tantrum obviously equates to missing out. If you're trying to get out the door, then simply go out hte door, if that means going wherever in her pjs, so be it, be calm about it, let it be her problem.

[Marsha]

I;'d eliminate it all together. If she doesn't want to fold, then have her put them away non folded. My kids clothes never stay folded anyway. And my kids get to pick out what they wear, even if it doesn't match or looks weird or whatever. My oldest dd's counselor said hands down, alost 100% of kids feel (1) they aren't heard or listened to and (2) they dont' feel like they have choices.

Try to remember that. These are such small things but set up a relationship dynamic that can be hard to get out of.

I also dont' quite see what the big deal is about clothes. But it is fair if she isn't helping to fold and wants you to do something, to say well it took you extra time to fold clothes,e tc and when we all work together, we have time for fun stuff. Approach it from a relational standpoint. Something about the OP is striking me as unnecessarily adversarial, and I can't quite pinpoint it. But at seven she should be albe to brainstorm solutions with you if she feels you are on her side.

[jandjmommy]

What about the responsibility = privilege thing? You fold your clothes and put them away after I wash them = you get to pick out your clothes.

[TrinMama]

She doesn't put clothes in the washer and rotate. :no We were all just folding and putting away. I think it's a good skill to learn, folding clothes. Maybe for now I will not push the folding...after all, like Marsha said, they end up garbled anyway. I also like the idea Sweetpeas suggested. Thank you! I think we can get a handle on this.

[Amber]

I don't think I would take away her choosing her clothes for not folding/putting away her laundry. By saying If you don't fold your clothes you don't get to pick out what to wear you have given her a choice to disobey. What I would do is say nothing else happens until laundry gets done, no media, no playing outside, ect.

I can say that my 7yo would get a little overwhelmed with folding all his laundry by himself. So I would offer to work alongside him. If my offer was refused or he dawdled long enough that I finished folding my things before he came along to do his work then he would have to finish on his own.

[shaslove]

One thing we do to avoid clothing battles is to put clothes for the week in a special thing that hangs up in her closet, it has spaces for 6 days, I got it from IKEA I think. We pick the clothes out on Sunday, and then she can wear whatever she wants from the outfits that are in there. It avoids battles and makes mornings easier!

[Titus2Momof4]

What about the responsibility = privilege thing? You fold your clothes and put them away after I wash them = you get to pick out your clothes.

I don't see these two things being related.

Picking out one's own clothes isn't so much a "privilege" as it is just being a human being. I hesitate to use the word "right," but maybe it is. :think

The fact is that we all benefit from having clean clothes (hygiene purposes). So, clothes should be washed and dried. :yes In this case, it might be asking too much for the person in question (a 7 y/o) to wash her own clothes, so Mom does that.

After that, if the child does not want to fold them, the child will have clothes that are wrinkled. If she doesn't want to put them away, maybe she has a better idea of where they could go. Putting clothes away CAN be a daunting task for a 7 y/o, depending on how you have it set up. Do you require her to sort them into 3-4 different categories or put them away in 3-4 different drawers/places? Maybe it's all just too overwhelming for her the way you have it set up? Have you tried talking to her to find out if SHE has any ideas to make this easier for her? Maybe she'd rather have all tops in one drawer and all bottoms in another and would find that system easier to manage? (I say this w/o knowing what system you have set up...)

Or, maybe she would find it easier to just stack the clothes in one pile together (so they aren't wrinkled) instead of folding them. Are the loads too much? Could she do some in the morning and the rest in the afternoon?

Either way, I think choosing one's own outfits is unrelated to whether or not one wants to fold and put away clothes. She can still choose her outfits.

[TrinMama]

Amber, there is always a choice to disobey, no matter the consequences. I'm a little confused by what you said. :think Even the idea that no play etc happens until her part is done leaves room for disobeying. :shrug

I was always folding with my girls. They still had issues with it. Loads were small for them, because we are big family and do a load nearly every day.

Let me ask, what is like in *your* homes? Are your children helping, in any way? Where do they keep their clothes?

I feel strongly that at least my oldest is old enough to begin learning how to care for her clothing. Clothing has a place to be kept, and it should go there. So maybe I ease up on the folded requirement...but clothes still belong in a place for clothes, not the floor, not my room, not the family room. I am seeking to teach order, care for personal things, care for one's appearance, etc. This is why all these things matter to me. They matter to DH. Are they the most important things? No. :no But they have been a huge issue here... :-/

I will ask if she might have a better organization idea, at least one that would fit her personality right now...that might help. Tonight I offered her to pick out 5 outfits, one for each day. She didn't want to. I also folded all the clothes for the girls that have been in a heap in my room. I was tired of it. Maybe setting the example of taking care of clothes will start to sink in...they see me do it, and they'll start up again.

[Amber]

Let me see if I can explain myself better.

In our house when there are chores that need to be done they get done before play and "fun" stuff. Now if child decides to put off or stall on doing their chores then their play is put off that much longer :shrug Eventually, they do their chore and life goes on. There may be a bit of whining, complaining etc that has to be worked through in the meantime, but that is my chance to help with work on dealing with their feelings. I'm not giving them the option to obey or not, but rather if they are going to obey now or later. And usually later for my boys is 5 min or less ;) It is more like they put up a protest, but once all the fun stops they realize that they are missing out and just get to work.

[Titus2Momof4]

I would start with doing a lot of talking about why folding and putting away clothes is so difficult for her. That will give you more insight than we can.

Aside from that, it sounds like you have a lot of ideas about how things "should" be that may or may not be true. Regardless, those things are obviously important to you. :heart

In our home, completing chores aren't always a pre-req to doing fun things. Sometimes it is...like if the kids just got done playing on the floor and mention that they want to go outside, I will usually say "ok, why don't you pick up the stuff in here first." They might, if they don't intend on playing with those things when they get back. If they would still want to play with them when they get back, they'll tell me "we want to leave it out because we want to still play with them." OK, no biggy :shrug

If there are dishes that need to be done and a table that needs wiping down, yet they're saying they want to go outside, I'll ask "What about the stuff in the kitchen that needs to be done?" Quite often, they'll say "Can we do those things when we come back in, like when we come in to take a break?" If I think they'll be too hot and tired, I'll say "You'll probably feel too hot and tired to do those when you come in." They'll either say no they won't or "well, then we'll sit down and cool down first, then we will." Lately, the 'too hot and tired' thing hasn't been an issue (cooler weather), so it's just been a matter of whatever they choose to do. Sometimes they choose to do the chores before going out. Sometimes they take a break from outside play to come in and do chores. Sometimes they wait until they are completely done playing outside to come in and do the chores. Either scenario, they DO them. They seem to appreciate the fact that I give them the choice and they RESPECT that I was trusting them to stick to their word, so they do it.

[Marsha]

I would start with doing a lot of talking about why folding and putting away clothes is so difficult for her. That will give you more insight than we can.

Aside from that, it sounds like you have a lot of ideas about how things "should" be that may or may not be true. Regardless, those things are obviously important to you. :heart

In our home, completing chores aren't always a pre-req to doing fun things. Sometimes it is...like if the kids just got done playing on the floor and mention that they want to go outside, I will usually say "ok, why don't you pick up the stuff in here first." They might, if they don't intend on playing with those things when they get back. If they would still want to play with them when they get back, they'll tell me "we want to leave it out because we want to still play with them." OK, no biggy :shrug

If there are dishes that need to be done and a table that needs wiping down, yet they're saying they want to go outside, I'll ask "What about the stuff in the kitchen that needs to be done?" Quite often, they'll say "Can we do those things when we come back in, like when we come in to take a break?" If I think they'll be too hot and tired, I'll say "You'll probably feel too hot and tired to do those when you come in." They'll either say no they won't or "well, then we'll sit down and cool down first, then we will." Lately, the 'too hot and tired' thing hasn't been an issue (cooler weather), so it's just been a matter of whatever they choose to do. Sometimes they choose to do the chores before going out. Sometimes they take a break from outside play to come in and do chores. Sometimes they wait until they are completely done playing outside to come in and do the chores. Either scenario, they DO them. They seem to appreciate the fact that I give them the choice and they RESPECT that I was trusting them to stick to their word, so they do it.

And I find that approach to be so much more realistic too. I don't always finish one thing before doing another, I intentionally put it off,e tc and they know that, they are good observers so I think setting up a false standard is hard (for me, who sees all sides of asituation all too easily ) to enforce.

[Titus2Momof4]

And I find that approach to be so much more realistic too. I don't always finish one thing before doing another, I intentionally put it off,e tc and they know that, they are good observers so I think setting up a false standard is hard (for me, who sees all sides of asituation all too easily ) to enforce.
:yes I try not to hold my kids to a higher standard than I hold myself. As you said, sometimes you don't feel like doing the "chore" thing before the fun stuff. There is no LAW that says boring work has to be done before fun work--and yet, I think so many people are subconsciously stuck in that mindset. It's actually okay to do the fun stuff first and then do the work...or maybe you'd rather do the work first, thinking about the fun (psyching yourself up) the whole time.

As long as the drudgery stuff actually gets done (because the people involved have decided and agreed that it needs to be done--not because someone outside of the situation says it "must" be done), :shrug2