Why did no one warn me about 4?

[justbreathe]

:doh Almost overnight, my "easy" child has turned into a raging, scowling, sassy, hitting "teenage" girl!

2 was no big deal, 3 was . . .eh, a little bit of attitude but 4? :mad I did not anticipate having stand offs with her like this until she was a preteen! I don't have a clue where this attitude has come from or how to deal with it. She is seriously acting like a stereotypical spoiled brat from a movie (NOT trying to label her as that, just trying to think of something to compare her behavior to). Anything that doesn't go her way makes her so angry and she just explodes. If she doesn't have a total meltdown, she just seethes, glaring at you, and in full on pout mode for atleast 10 min (usually much longer).

If anyone tells her to do something she doesn't want to do, she plants her little feet, and screams, "NO! I will NOT and you CAN'T make me!" Twice now in the past week, we have been brushing teeth at bedtime - Bear will need to spit and she will refuse to get out of his way. I'll tell her to move, she will glare at me and refuse, then I move her out of the way so Bear can get to the sink. And, both times, she rared back and hit me!

This past weekend, we were out for a walk and my mother told her to move into a driveway bc a car was coming. At first she complied then she jumped out into the road and stood her ground, refusing to get out of incoming traffic (sooo grateful it was a quiet street and the car was only going maybe 15 mph :phew). My mom isn't really one to put action to her words (she thinks her words alone should be powerful enough) so I had to run to DD and drag her kicking and screaming out of the road. I was pushing Bug in the stroller and had to literally drag DD back to the house with one hand while I pushed the stroller with the other.

Any ideas how to handle this? Any thoughts on where this is coming from? Is this normal developmental junk for a 4 year old girl? :think I don't know anyone else who dealt with this at this age. Bear was difficult at 4, but he is difficult at most ages :giggle and I know boys get a big testosterone surge at 4.

[ellies mom]

I asked the same question when my first turned four. The mom friend that warned me that three was worse than two told me that she didn't say anything because four can go either way. Not that it helps while you are in the midst of it though. My second is three and a half. I'm hoping she goes the other way because I don't think I can take things getting worse. Now back to my search for "spirited child" resources (in addition to "raising your spirited child).

[justbreathe]

Thank you for responding! :phew When no one else replied at all yesterday, I started wondering what is wrong with my kid that no one else can relate or has any suggestions. :giggle

Unfortunately, this little "stage" is doing nothing to spread the popularity of GD in my little circle. People around me know that I've worked hard to get away from spanking and other punitive discipline but then Monkey acts like this. Of course people start getting all smug start in with the "if my child acted like that, I would tear up her little heiny and she wouldn't do it anymore. Sometimes you just have to show them who is boss!". :cry Everyone seems to see this as evidence that spanking is necessary and effective.

[arwen_tiw]

I don't tend to forewarn people about four because it's like colic - as soon as you're actually *through* it, you forget about it remarkably quickly. :shifty You think, "yeah, that was tough, but we got through it, it's fine now" and then your mind slowly leaches the horror out of it. And by the time you have another one that age, you have forgotten just how bad it was. :shifty

I thought we'd skipped it with Morgan, who was a lovely easy going four. Past the halfway point, a way past, and it hit. Door slamming! "I hate you" and "You never let me do anything" and "You don't understand me!" :haha Oh. My. Goodness. Although, since it hit later and seems to be passing sooner, at least I'm not too tormented by the memory that it seemed to last about 18 months for Jenna...

[ellies mom]

I don't tend to forewarn people about four because it's like colic - as soon as you're actually *through* it, you forget about it remarkably quickly. :shifty You think, "yeah, that was tough, but we got through it, it's fine now" and then your mind slowly leaches the horror out of it. And by the time you have another one that age, you have forgotten just how bad it was. :shifty

My oldest is 8 and my mind has still not leached the horror out of it. But then again I don't suffer from pregnancy amnesia either. I'm seriously dreading my youngest at four because I'm at my wit's end right now.

[Pragmatist]

:hugheart

I have a similar 4 y/o and added to the fun with a new baby. Not a good plan. But we are surviving and looking forward to 5.

[gardenfreshmama]

So I read a few of the snippets from your post to dh (nothing telling, just short sentences) b/c we are going through this EXACT SAME THING. And he says, "Oh , I hope someone responds to you!" He thought I had wrote it :doh

Seriously, 4 is kicking our butts. Our dd has been so sweet and "easy" up to this point. Now she melts down over any little thing, tells me, "You can't make me!!!" Calls us all kinds of names ("disgusting," "idiot," "stupid butt," etc)

I find myself getting so angry and yelling more than I ever have. :blush I have never wanted to hit her more. :bheart. So I guess I'm subbing for ideas on how to handle this stage!

[Earthmummy07]

Early 4 was a doddle for us. We're hitting the half way mark and oh my, the DRAMA! Everything is the end of the world. I think I need to reevaluate my tools. These days I mostly yell :bag I'm *trying* to remember that he just wants to be understood, but in the heat of the moment, when he's blowing raspberries at people when they speak to him? That goes out the window. When he does it to me, I can shrug it off and deal with the real issue, but when he does it to other people, it's embarrassing :sigh

[staceylayne]

Interesting. We have a little less of the sass but plenty of drama. Lots of panic and screaming when 4yo's needs/wants/questions/random thoughts are not addressed to his specifications IMMEDIATELY. Potty words are HILARIOUS. And anything that doesn't rise to the fun level of a day at Disney World is boring, dumb or hated. :sigh

Waiting patiently for the wise BTDT mamas to arrive and share how to deal with it. Or point out the correct magic wand to tone down the drama. :shifty

[justbreathe]

At least we aren't alone in the 4 drama. :giggle

We went to a family gathering this weekend and DH's cousin (who has a little girl about a month younger than Monkey) was talking about how much she was loving this age, how polite and friendly her daughter has been, how she is so glad to be through the "terrible" 2s and 3s, etc. I just sat there like a moron bc I didn't have a clue how to respond.:O all that I could manage was to agree that this is a really "interesting" stage. :giggle

Come on, veteran GD mamas! :cheerWe need some advice! :poke

[Barefoot Bookworm]

I just posted about this in the Little Explorers forum. I am blown away. Most of the time she's so sweet and helpful then she busts out the sass.

[tiffany]

with you in the 4s. :-/

good grief. 4. :phew

:popcorning for all that great advice that's coming soon! ;)

[staceylayne]

At 2am, awake against my will due to teething baby, I might have been a bit harsh in my assessment of my 4yo. He has lots of lovely, helpful and polite moments. His sociability, especially with adults, has greatly improved. But in this year I've learned how truly vital it is for him to be fed and rested. He is truly an unreasonable, emotional disaster when tired or hungry.

I think I have some punitive scrips in my head that tell me he *should* be able to handle himself better, even when life isn't perfect. Then I have to remind myself how grumpy I can feel when sleepy or unfed (see my whining above for proof). :doh

[justbreathe]

I just posted about this in the Little Explorers forum. I am blown away. Most of the time she's so sweet and helpful then she busts out the sass.


Thanks for mentioning this! I just went and read that thread and found it really helpful! :yes

Basically, what I'm getting is to just stay calm, hold on tight, and weather the storm. :think I was just not prepared for 4 to be ones of those ages! :noSomeone REALLY should have warned me. :giggle

[gardenfreshmama]

One thing that has really helped me in past week or two is to completely lower my standards. :shifty She is so big in so many ways- dresses herself, gets up to get a drink of water in the middle of the night, can start a dvd... etc. But in other ways she is still so immature... such a baby, yk? Her emotions are still very immature, as is the impulse control and her understanding of the world and how it works.

So I've looked at the difference in the ways I treat my 4yo and my 1yo. I give the 1yo a LOT more grace and use a much gentler voice even when he does something :doh. I EXPECT him to mess up, not listen, while i'm expecting more first-time-obedience with the 4yo. And I think that is what is causing us so much friction.

So anyway, I've gone back to a lot more "helping," which seems to help! I'm not expecting her to do things right away, just because I tell her to. And when she does mess up (which is often!) I am trying to give her the same grace and understanding as the 1yo.

Also, I think the weather is playing into this a lot, too. We are not getting outside NEAR as much as we need to! :doh