When another kid takes a toy away from your kid...

[hey mommy]

What do you do when a kid takes a toy away from your kid and the other kids adult does nothing to stop it?

For example: We were at Barnes and Noble playing with the train set. A toddler a couple of weeks younger than Sammy was there. He walked up and started to take the train from Sammy's hand. His grandma told him "don't take the train from him." As she was saying it, he did it and she just said "Uh, Oh, okay." and let him keep it. Sammy looked very hurt so I jumped up and found another train for him to play with.


So, how would you handle something like that? I was surprised that Sammy didn't fight back and hold onto the train. I almost wish he would have.

[NovelMama]

I take it back and say, "Oops, we shouldn't take toys from people. [Child's name] is going to play with this for two more minutes, and then we'll switch. Why don't you play with this toy?" and hand them something else. If the other parent isn't going to teach the child the proper thing to do, someone needs to. :shrug

[dukeofhazzard]

I would and have done exactly what you did. The other adult *should* have stepped in and done something, but I'm not sure what you can do unless you want to have a showdown with the other person :giggle.

[sweetpeas]

I kind of play it by ear. In your situation it's more tricky because the grandmother awknowledged it, but didn't do anything about it. So in that case I probably would have done what you did.

If the other child's adult is just oblivious, as has more likely been the case in my experience, then I do as was suggested above "[my child] is playing with that toy, you can play with it when she's done".

[MomtoJGJ]

It would depend on how my kid handled it and how old they were... if it were one of my older three I would just tell them that some people are rude and aren't taught better :shifty

With Evie, I'd gauge her reaction.... if she seemed to care then I'd either distract her with something else or trade something with the other child. If she seemed to get over it fairly quickly I"d probably not do anything and let them work it out. If she was just a little sad looking but moving on, I would not do anything.

[Castle On A Cloud]

As soon as I notice the child actually taking it from them, I step in and get the toy:shrug3
I say something like "please do not take toys from other people...' or something like that.

[Codi]

I really don't like the idea that it's *my* place to teach the other child manners if their parents aren't going to. :shrug

I also play it by ear, it depends on ages, how it all went down, etc. But by your description, I would probably have done what you did. I would also let my dc know (probably later and not in a passive aggressive way in front of the other family) that it was unfair that the child took the train they were playing with but that if there are other trains to play with, it just might not be worth fighting over which specific one you have. I may also point out the feelings they had if they (my dc) were upset and let them know that we never want to make other people feel that way which is why it is important that we do not take toys from other people.

I cannot control other people, all I can do is use each moment to teach my dc how to be the best they can be, and life examples like that are perfect opportunities.

---------- Post added at 10:11 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:11 AM ----------

I wanted to add that there *are* times I would step in and/or say something. But I am just responding to your exact example. :)

[Marsha]

I usually say something like "hey, he was playing with that" and ask the kid to give it back. I don't have to teach them manners, and I don't have to be rude or mean, but if my kid was playing with it, and it got taken from their hand...I'd say something. I don't wait for or need another adult to acknowledge it, cuz I'm not calling the other child out or disciplining them. I'm simply restoring my child's toy.

[Domina]

Sumo barely seems to notice when other kids take his toys. But in the last week or so, he's started biting. So most of my energy is directed at teaching him, not the other kids.

If he were older and more verbal, I might coach him to say "Stop! I don't like it when you take my toys. Let's play with ________ together."

[2sunshines]

I think that when another child takes my child's toy, it's a great lesson for my child. I *could* step in and rescue my child, and get the toy back, but that's a lesson for the other kid, and I'm more concerned with what my child is learning.

It's unfortunately a fact of life, no matter how old you are, that there will always be people who are inappropriate, rude, inconsiderate. How my child learns to deal with that fact is more important to me than rescuing them and keeping them happy in the moment.

I think that how you handled it was perfect. It's how I would have handled it at that age. Distract my young child with another toy.

As they get older, I would choose to handle it in different ways, in order to teach my children the correct response to other people's bad behaviours.

[hey mommy]

I'm teaching him to say "Cias, no thank-you!" when Cias does something he doesn't like. I"m just not sure how to script that with other kids, especially kids we don't know.

I guess just "no thank-you" would work?

[sweetpeas]

I think that when another child takes my child's toy, it's a great lesson for my child. I *could* step in and rescue my child, and get the toy back, but that's a lesson for the other kid, and I'm more concerned with what my child is learning.


I think it depends on the situation and age of the child. I think SOMETIMES the message I would be sending by not stepping in is, your feelings aren't worth protecting. If I'm in the middle of reading a book and a friend (or acquaintance, or stranger) walked over and said "I think I'll read that book now and took it out of my hands" I wouldn't just shrug and pick up another book (actually if that really happened it would probably be someone giving me a hard time and I *would* just shrug and pick up another book to take away their fun in getting a reaction, but work with me here . . . ). . . so while yes, there are times when life is very unfair, it seems to me that the unfairness is magnified (for the children who HAVE been taught some manners) in the toddler years, and that begins to teach them that their needs/desires/feelings aren't important. They still get plenty of those lessons in areas I can't control . . . but I think when my 2 year old is playing with a toy and another child walks over and grabs it out of their hand and I gently return it to my child with the message that "Lina's playing with that right now, you can play with it when she is done" I *am* teaching Lina that she is important to me and she has a right to be protected from "bullys".

If a 4 year old comes over and grabs a toy from my 8 year old, I'll probably tell the 8 yr old to let it go (and we'll have a conversation later about not being able to control other peoples behavior, just our own, etc. But for the 2 yr old (or even 3 or 4 yr old, depending on the situation) I feel like if it's something that I wouldn't expect another adult to do to me (grab something I'm using out of my hand), I should protect my child from it.

[Love is...]

I take it back and say, "Oops, we shouldn't take toys from people. [Child's name] is going to play with this for two more minutes, and then we'll switch. Why don't you play with this toy?" and hand them something else. If the other parent isn't going to teach the child the proper thing to do, someone needs to. :shrug

I would walk this line very carefully. I don't want anyone teaching my child anything, other than myself and those that I trust. The world we live in today is not a safe place. A stranger disciplining/teaching my child is completely unacceptable to me. You may talk to me about what happened and you can be assured that I will try to rectify the situation, but, disciplining/teaching a stranger's child can be very troublesome. Many people's standards of parenting are not mine and I don't want their standards being placed on my child because they feel they are teaching my child the "proper" thing to do.

[gentlemommy]

I think it depends on the situation and age of the child. I think SOMETIMES the message I would be sending by not stepping in is, your feelings aren't worth protecting. . . . but I think when my 2 year old is playing with a toy and another child walks over and grabs it out of their hand and I gently return it to my child with the message that "Lina's playing with that right now, you can play with it when she is done" I *am* teaching Lina that she is important to me and she has a right to be protected from "bullys".

ITA with this. I'd probably say something like, "Oops! Sammy wasn't done playing with that train (as I returned it to Sammy) but look! Here's another train and look! it has blue on it!" :giggle or something like that. I'd step in and stand up for my child if they were at an age when they were not capable of doing so, so they know that they *are* worth standing up for, and that you *can* stand up for yourself and for what is right. Now, if my child didn't care that their toy had been taken, I'd just let it be. And if they were older, I'd coach them to stand up for themselves. It depends on the age and situation.

[WanderingJuniper]

I think that when another child takes my child's toy, it's a great lesson for my child. I *could* step in and rescue my child, and get the toy back, but that's a lesson for the other kid, and I'm more concerned with what my child is learning.

It's unfortunately a fact of life, no matter how old you are, that there will always be people who are inappropriate, rude, inconsiderate. How my child learns to deal with that fact is more important to me than rescuing them and keeping them happy in the moment.

I think that how you handled it was perfect. It's how I would have handled it at that age. Distract my young child with another toy.

As they get older, I would choose to handle it in different ways, in order to teach my children the correct response to other people's bad behaviours.
This is how I would handle it too. Even at 2 years old I can reflect their feelings and distract them with something else.

"It's confusing when something gets taken from you. Let's play with Gordon for a bit until he's done with Thomas." :shrug3 As they get older I help them come up with a script to handle it themselves.

It's my experience that most parents/grandparents in my area do not want other adults interacting with their child. I'm likely to get my behind handed to me if I tried to get that toy back after the guardian saw what happened originally.

[KarenBoo]

I think my response would depend on my child's reaction. I want to teach my children to be assertive and respectful too.

Usually if another child takes a toy from mine, and nobody does anything, I go over to both kids as I see it happening, and I teach my child to say (if she can) "I am not done playing with this toy, but you can have a turn as soon as I am done." Or if she couldn't say it, I'd say it for her and get her agreement with a head nod that she would give the toy to the child when she was done. And I would gently help the other child return the toy to my daughter.

Often, my girls will give the toy right then. But they have always remembered to go give that toy to the other child when they were done.

In that particular situation, if the other caretaker saw what was happening and allowed it, I would gauge my daughter. If my daughter was upset by the transaction, I would step in anyway and get the toy back for her. But if she wasn't upset, yeah, I'd find another toy to "offer."

[SweetCaroline]

not to derail.. :shifty

but what about when my 2.5 niece takes toys away from my 11 month old r.e.p.e.a.t.e.d.l.y??
meaning everytime i get him a new toy she leans over and takes that one too..bil & sil blow it off

:angyfemalebear

[WingsOfTheMorning]

The idea of doing nothing, if my child is upset, really bothers me, to be honest. I don't view it as my job to teach others children, but it IS my job to stand up for my child. I feel like that is teaching her to stand up for herself as she gets older (she is 3.5).

We are often in situations at the library and at parks where lots of children are running around and I have no idea where the parents are. If another child takes my daughter's toy, pushes her, or in other ways steps over her personal boundaries, I will say something to that child.

If the parent is right there watching, as in the OP, then I would address the parent.

[Sparrow]

It totally agree with Codi.

I think that might bend down and ask the child gently to give back. If they didn't want to, and they adult didn't want to help them return it, then I'd let it go and reflect later how it feels to have a toy taken away.

In some cases I don't get uspset if a stranger disciplines my child, depending on the manner they use. Especially if I'm tied up like I was this weekend. Max plowed down a little girl and took her toy. The father helped up his daughter and then gently said to Brendan "Please play gently" No biggie to me.

[sweetpeas]

not to derail.. :shifty

but what about when my 2.5 niece takes toys away from my 11 month old r.e.p.e.a.t.e.d.l.y??
meaning everytime i get him a new toy she leans over and takes that one too..bil & sil blow it off

:angyfemalebear

We were at a playdate when the big girls were young toddlers where a little girl was like that, she kept grabbing whatever toy either of them picked up. I had already seen her do the same thing to her baby brother and the mother didn't say a word, just handed baby brother a different toy. I think was the situation that really made it sink in to me that, in addition to teachng sharing and unselfishness and all that, I also needed to teach my children that their feelings and desires are important too. So I ended up sitting right WITH my girls and when she would start to reach for one of their toys I'd reach over and hold onto it (w/o taking it from my child, but adding enough strength that she was unable to take it from them) and when she tried I'd tell her "Lexie is playing with this toy right now, you can play with it when she's done. There are plenty of other toys here". The mother remained oblivious but the little girl pretty much gave me a startled look and moved on. She tried it a couple more times, but eventually gave up (and there were TONS of toys at that particular house so she had no need to play with whatever my children had).

I also remember a playdate that involved slightly older (3 or 4 yr olds probably?) children. One little girl (K) was repeatedly wanting to take whatever toy the hostess's son (N) was playing with. After a couple times of E (hostess) doing the typical "N let K have that toy" she just bluntly said "You know what K, N is playing with that right now, you can play with something else until he's done." I don't remember there being any more issues, though I do remember E mentioning to me after-the-fact that she wouldn't be in a big hurry to invite that particular child back because of the issue, and lack of parental response.

[Love is...]

For me, if we're talking possible physical harm, I appreciate it when someone steps in to help either me or another parent. When we're talking personal preference or tolerance levels, I prefer to let most things go.

when DS tried to climb out of the shopping cart while i was putting groceries away and the gentleman behind me grabbed him and helped him sit back down while saying, "oh no, you don't want to do that." I was grateful. It was an appropriate response, imo.

Kids to this to my kids all the time. Usually, i teach them that some people aren't always nice, in fact, none of us are nice all the time and i try to walk them through their feelings if they are upset.

if you feel you should confront a child or a parent, just remember that by doing so, you engage a response, one which you may not like. i'm not saying you shouldn't just saying be ready if they don't do what you want or expect any normal/decent parent would do.

[KarenBoo]

not to derail.. :shifty

but what about when my 2.5 niece takes toys away from my 11 month old r.e.p.e.a.t.e.d.l.y??
meaning everytime i get him a new toy she leans over and takes that one too..bil & sil blow it off

:angyfemalebear

I agree with SweetPeas about this. Your answer is that you are going to have to sit directly with your child and speak up for him and teach your niece at the same time. It may or may not be trickier since your bil and sil blow it off - I don't know if their hackles will be raised by you helping out both of the kids.

Your niece is displaying normal 2.5yo behavior, and it'll be fairly easy to help them take turns. It could be as simple as saying "Niece, my son is playing with this toy right now but I will be sure to help him give it to you when his turn is over." You could either give her the chance to return the toy, or you could gently "help" her to return the toy to your son. Then, at the same time, you could say "would you like to play with this toy instead?" (as you put it in her little hands.) (I'm picturing offering her a toy in one of your hands while taking the "stolen" toy with your other hand.:giggle)

And, hard as it is, you'll have to help your 11mo with the very same thing if/when he starts to grab things from her. I say it's "hard" because typically, I want the older kids to "yield" to the younger ones (at least some of the time when I see the item at hand isn't really important to the older one.) But especially because your bil and sil will be right there, I would say it's important to treat them equally to raise fewer hackles.

I can't see your sig at the moment, so I don't know how many children you have. Do you have some "older" toys around that would be more interesting to the 2.5yo? Well, that might just backfire anyway because I'm sure your 11mo would be interested in that stuff too! :shifty

eta: Ok, I just checked your sig and yes, you've got plenty of toys! :giggle

[SweetCaroline]

I agree with SweetPeas about this. Your answer is that you are going to have to sit directly with your child and speak up for him and teach your niece at the same time. It may or may not be trickier since your bil and sil blow it off - I don't know if their hackles will be raised by you helping out both of the kids.




yeah..and she starts freaking out and shrieking- and im just now living around dh's side of the family, and they already think im wierd :-/

[KarenBoo]

yeah..and she starts freaking out and shrieking- and im just now living around dh's side of the family, and they already think im wierd :-/

Oh yikes! Well, if that were happening to me, I'd immediately (when the freaking out happens) go to the parents and say "I need a little help here...." and explain the situation. I've done that before when I've had a playgroup over at the house.

[milkmommy]

I take it back and say, "Oops, we shouldn't take toys from people. [Child's name] is going to play with this for two more minutes, and then we'll switch. Why don't you play with this toy?" and hand them something else. If the other parent isn't going to teach the child the proper thing to do, someone needs to. :shrug
I do this to a point.. IF I see that my child is truly upset I wll be her voice and interceed liek this for her. IF she is okay with the toy being given up I let it go. I also don't speak for her as a way of teaching another kid the proper thing to do.. That is not my place and not something I'd want imposed on my child eaither. :shrug3

Deanna

[ArmsOfLove]

What do you do when a kid takes a toy away from your kid and the other kids adult does nothing to stop it?

For example: We were at Barnes and Noble playing with the train set. A toddler a couple of weeks younger than Sammy was there. He walked up and started to take the train from Sammy's hand. His grandma told him "don't take the train from him." As she was saying it, he did it and she just said "Uh, Oh, okay." and let him keep it. Sammy looked very hurt so I jumped up and found another train for him to play with.


So, how would you handle something like that? I was surprised that Sammy didn't fight back and hold onto the train. I almost wish he would have.
usually I gently take it from the child and say, "My child was playing with that. You can have the next turn. I'll make sure you get it."

If the child gets upset and the parent still does nothing I might say to my child, "Let's just let him have it. No one is helping him take turns. Let's go over . . . " and redirect my child.