when should impulse control be developed?

[greenishmama]

maybe this should be in the 5+yrs old forum but it involves discipline...!

I read somewhere here that impulse control is not fully developed until age 6. Is that BY age 6 or sometime during age 6? My son was 6 in sept. and now I'm wondering if he's behind in impulse control or if there is a larger problem.

He has no impulse control when he is angered, stressed (new situation), iritated. At other times not in those situations he seems to have no impulse control. and there are some times when he does. but mostly not.

the impulses he has arethings such as: grabbing things from someone's hand, pushing, head butting (or the motion to do it), poking or jabbing a finger at someone, things he says (that he shouldn't).

??

[3boysforme]

I noticed a better impulse control the closer ds got to 7. :yes

[Katigre]

maybe this should be in the 5+yrs old forum but it involves discipline...!

I read somewhere here that impulse control is not fully developed until age 6. Is that BY age 6 or sometime during age 6? My son was 6 in sept. and now I'm wondering if he's behind in impulse control or if there is a larger problem.

He has no impulse control when he is angered, stressed (new situation), iritated. At other times not in those situations he seems to have no impulse control. and there are some times when he does. but mostly not.

the impulses he has arethings such as: grabbing things from someone's hand, pushing, head butting (or the motion to do it), poking or jabbing a finger at someone, things he says (that he shouldn't).

??
I personally believe that impulse control is not only something developmental (like walking that happens no matter what) but is also something that can be taught - I have seen some methods of helping my children learn impulse control work better than others. There are whole curriculum that help teach greater impulse control and are successful.

So my question is this - what are you doing to proactively teach him better impulse control and to manage his emotions/reactions in the heat of the moment? What has worked well and connected with him and what hasn't? IMO this issue is very common in kids and is one that takes a lot of intentional parenting to work through over the years. It's not an instant fix, but you should see improvement gradually over time as they grow/develop and start being able to USE the impulse-control skills you're teaching them as they go.

[greenishmama]

I personally believe that impulse control is not only something developmental (like walking that happens no matter what) but is also something that can be taught - I have seen some methods of helping my children learn impulse control work better than others. There are whole curriculum that help teach greater impulse control and are successful.

So my question is this - what are you doing to proactively teach him better impulse control and to manage his emotions/reactions in the heat of the moment? What has worked well and connected with him and what hasn't? IMO this issue is very common in kids and is one that takes a lot of intentional parenting to work through over the years. It's not an instant fix, but you should see improvement gradually over time as they grow/develop and start being able to USE the impulse-control skills you're teaching them as they go.

see, I've read about it here on GCM more in the way of "you can't expect them to ___ because they don't have impulse control yet". So I'm glad to hear it can be taught.
I guess DH and don't have many skills for teaching it. Nothing we've tried has helped. Whenever we've tried to come up with ideas with DS they don't work or don't play out. He has never liked alternatives like stomping, hitting a pillow (I don't like that myself) putting hands in pockets, whatever. Never works. He flies off the handle or reacts or however you want to call it so quickly it's impossible to intervene. I could even be holding one's hand or something and he would still do something (hit, poke, grab, etc.)

I just really don't like the ideas either of teaching them to hit a pillow or stomp or things like that. I feel that then becomes something you have to get them to stop doing eventually (it's not normal for someone at work say to be mad at you so they go stomp their feet). And I'm not sure that even helps. ??? I can see it fueling the anger. ?

so I'd love some ideas for how to teach him some impulse control

[3boysforme]

see, I've read about it here on GCM more in the way of "you can't expect them to ___ because they don't have impulse control yet". So I'm glad to hear it can be taught.
I guess DH and don't have many skills for teaching it. Nothing we've tried has helped. Whenever we've tried to come up with ideas with DS they don't work or don't play out. He has never liked alternatives like stomping, hitting a pillow (I don't like that myself) putting hands in pockets, whatever. Never works. He flies off the handle or reacts or however you want to call it so quickly it's impossible to intervene. I could even be holding one's hand or something and he would still do something (hit, poke, grab, etc.)

I just really don't like the ideas either of teaching them to hit a pillow or stomp or things like that. I feel that then becomes something you have to get them to stop doing eventually (it's not normal for someone at work say to be mad at you so they go stomp their feet). And I'm not sure that even helps. ??? I can see it fueling the anger. ?

so I'd love some ideas for how to teach him some impulse control


I stomp my feet :shifty. I don't do it at the moment, or just wherever but I do stomp my feet if I need to.

A tool I have used to teach impulse control is baking. There are so many steps in baking, it is definitely not instant gratification, and I have found that to be a great teaching tool. It also helps with follow through.

I am sure someone else will have ideas too (probably better than mine :lol)

[Psyche]

Is impulse control ever fully developed? :think

[inesperada]

Is impulse control ever fully developed? :think

I was just thinking "I'm not sure males develop it until closer to 25. :think " :duck

It did get better for my older sometime in the first half of age six...but it's definitely an ongoing issue.

[ThreeKids]

I still have trouble with impulse control. I wondered what would happen if I bent a kaleidoscope the other day. It was predictable that I would end up covered in the contents, beads and sequins, but I just didn't think it through.

I have taught myself lots of tricks to deal with it. Mainly, I've sacrificed reflexes for impulse control. My face might not show emotion at all while I'm talking to you and it'll be a bit socially inappropriate not to react at all, but it's a worthwhile sacrifice compared to blurting out who knows what or flashing weird looks at you.

----------

Ds had a huge leap in impulse control at 4 1/2. Before that, I wouldn't offer him a bite of my banana without requiring him to press his hands into the table to take the edge off the impulse he'd get to smash the banana as soon as it was in range. Now, he still lapses, especially if he's anxious, but it's great to have the breaks in between.

[sweetpeasmommy]

Is impulse control ever fully developed? :think
:up I still have moments like WHY on earth did I just do that? :doh

[ArmsOfLove]

there is honestly no such thing as "by X age this IS" in development :no It's all "range" and he's very normally within the range. The key is that over time as he gets older you would expect to see improvement in these areas--that he would have times where he shows awareness of his impulse and makes an effort to control it though you may also see an awareness of regret after and attempts to fix it.

If he is still showing no improvement at all in the area of impulse control I would be concerned. But it wouldn't be a discipline issue--it would mean something else is going on there.

[greenishmama]

there is honestly no such thing as "by X age this IS" in development :no It's all "range" and he's very normally within the range. The key is that over time as he gets older you would expect to see improvement in these areas--that he would have times where he shows awareness of his impulse and makes an effort to control it though you may also see an awareness of regret after and attempts to fix it.

If he is still showing no improvement at all in the area of impulse control I would be concerned. But it wouldn't be a discipline issue--it would mean something else is going on there.

that is what I'm trying to figure out. If his lack of impulse control is not developing "normally" and if something else is going on. I think there is something else that is at least slowing it down and that is that he's not able to verbalize his feelings. He is so closed up in that way that in the past when I've tried reflecting feelings it was more like I ended up putting feelings in his head that may not have been there! I'm quite interested in doing more Brain Gym type stuff with him, even trying the repatterning stuff. I have one book that says the repatterning needs to be done by someone trained in it, yet I think there are sources out there that say how to do it.

He is showing attempts at trying to control his impulses about twice a week, on the same "good" day. He rarely shows regret for having hurt someone- though we have seen it maybe two times in the past three weeks. Meanwhile my 3 yr old made a mess of the napkins at the table and knew that I didn't like it and that he shouldn't have done it. He was away from the table for a while (cleaning up another mess). When he came back to the table he said completely on his own "Mommy, I'm sorry I made a mess with the napkins before". ! But 6 yr old doesn't seem to ever show regret after actually hurting someone whether on purupose or accident. It just seems very odd to me.

[Katigre]

There are a few patterns we've developed in our home that do help to teach impulse control. One of them is planning ahead/forecasting behavior choices.

You roleplay a frustrating situation and make it a 'choose your own adventure' with different options - talk through how he could select different choices. You'd talk it through and give options. And then when you approach the situation you'd remind "Remember, what will you do if someone does X?" When the situation happens and he reacts, you stay next to him to stop the action escalating and remind him "Take a few deep breaths - let's calm down". Focus on the calming down part so that he can actually think - and then when he's calmer again have him verbally or physically demonstrate how he would redo it - and have him redo it if possible to build in the brain pathways.

If he's reacting due to quick anger then I would focus on how to calm down (have you looked through "Dealing With Disappointment" for ideas there? We never did stamping or punching pillows but we do a lot of deep breaths, holding/cuddling, and taking a break to calm down).

Another option is to do activities that require periods of waiting. Baking/cooking is a great example b/c they have to wait to put in ingredients, plan the order, and only eat what you give them permission to taste. Playing different board games also accomplished this too.

So IMO, teaching impulse control doen't only focus on reactive situations but on seemingly non-related activities that build the 'impulse control strength' in the brain so that when he is faced with something extremely frustrating, he can calm down more quickly and respond in a better way more easily (it will still take time and practice :yes but you should see progress).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FWIW, I also believe that impulse control has a genetic component :yes. My family seems to have a high degree of impulse control wired into our brains that has proven pretty consistent throughout our lives - and that has shown up in our kids as well. (Ex. When DD was newly 2, I could give her a wrapped sucker and instruct her "Do not open this until we get home - when we get home then you can eat it." and drive for 20 minutes with her holding the sucker and she would.not.open it until the moment we pulled into the driveway :jawdrop. Then she would yell "We're home! I can open the sucker now!" and she'd open and eat it. That's an example of inborn impulse control that I believe is far more genetic than any sort of specific parenting. Her impulse control is far from perfect ;). But that is an example of a place where it is strong even when she wants something badly.

[Auroras mom]

Is impulse control ever fully developed? :think


Yeah - I wanted to respond to the OP question with this...

"How's yours doing?"

Mine needs work.


I am snappy with dh and dd more than I should be.

I eat things I shouldn't.

I buy things I shouldn't

I stay on the computer too long.

I read a book for fun insteadof doing housework.



I think (unless I am just some horrible self-indulgent aberration) that we should take a very close look at ourselves when we ask that question. I think we expect more of kids than we do of ourselves, simply because *their* lack of inmpulse control affects us in ways that are irritating.

This isn't to say that it shouldn't be worked on, consistently and persistently. I think being raised in a punitive environent where there is no tolerance for expression of feelings is part of what leads to adults with less impulse control than they should have.

So, I am optimistic for my dd, as her childhood is far different than mine was.

Anyway, 6 year olds have a lot of trouble with temper and feeling frustrated. I think one key to helping them in this is giving them more responsibilities.

PLayful parenting helps. When dd and I both start having our blood boil, I have atsrated turning us both in big dinosaurs and we stomp in the kitchen and make a loud ruckus - and we both forget we were mad as we start to have fun being dinosaurs.:shrug3

I would check out the thread on 6 year olds for more ideas.

[greenishmama]

maybe I'm a bit hormonal right now but honestly some of you are not very helpful and seemingly a bit sarcastic.

so what I hear you saying is my son constantly pushes, grabs things, hits but that's ok because I'm not perfect either.

[Niphredil]

maybe I'm a bit hormonal right now but honestly some of you are not very helpful and seemingly a bit sarcastic.

so what I hear you saying is my son constantly pushes, grabs things, hits but that's ok because I'm not perfect either.

I don't think anyone is saying it's okay, but rather it's to be expected that it takes time to grow into it. He's just six. These are new skills. He's just learning about impulse control, and it is rather a learned behavior, I tend to think. At very least it's something you have to learn how to use and navigate. :hug2

[Auroras mom]

maybe I'm a bit hormonal right now but honestly some of you are not very helpful and seemingly a bit sarcastic.

so what I hear you saying is my son constantly pushes, grabs things, hits but that's ok because I'm not perfect either.

I must be hormonal too, b/c this seems like a deliberate misinterpretation of my post. I am sure you are feeling frustrated though, and I certainly did not intend to contribute to that at all.

At any rate, that is not at all what I said or what I am saying.

What I *am* saying, is that if we can shift our brains into a realistic understanding of how hard it is for everyone to have impulse control, we can then perhaps approach our children differently, in a manner that might be conducive to helping them develop it to even a higher level than we possess. But that process will take much time and lots of patience on our parts.

It was an amazing paradigm shift for me to realize that truly, my expectations for my toddler (at the time) were higher than my own standards for myself. It gave me so much more empathy for her when I recognized my own struggle int his area.

A success two times a week is great progress for some kids. Do you acknowledge and point out his successes, and describe exactly what you saw him do? That can be so validating for a child.

Also, if you think there is something more going on, it may be worth seeking an outside evlauation. Sometimes as moms, it is difficult for us to differentiate between shades of "normal" and things that are outside the typical range.

[greenishmama]

Also, if you think there is something more going on, it may be worth seeking an outside evlauation. Sometimes as moms, it is difficult for us to differentiate between shades of "normal" and things that are outside the typical range.

that is what I'm trying to figure out- if he is developing "normally" or if we are beginning to see a problem. From reading through these posts and further reflecting (and comparing to my 3 yr old who has hardly any impulse control) I'm realizing that the impulses that my 6 yr old is having trouble with are more reactive in nature. though there are the times where he'll cross the room, go out of his way to do something annoying to 3 yr old for no reason that is apparent to us at all. but much of it is reactive. He had very good impulse control when he was younger. He, like someone else posted about their child, would have been able to hold a candy and wait for it. maybe not all the time though. but it was higher than many kids his age. He had a very hard time waiting for the cookies to cool out of the oven (but that's hard for all of us!). And it's been hard for him to wait to get and open a present. but better than we'd ever expected. I could bake with him at 3 and not have to remind him over and over not to eat this or that. with my 3 yr old now baking is like a lesson in impulse control. Today when he wanted to make smoothie I said I wasn't sure if I wanted his help today and he said "I won't eat the stuff". (he'll eat half the stuff out of the blender if I turn my back! now he did bend over to smell the oatmeal and sneezed directly into it:giggle:sick)
anyway- 6 yr old has good impulse control for many things, but not when it comes to reactive things or the mysterious trying to annoy someone type behaviors.

[ThreeKids]

Yes, the trying to annoy people stuff. I guess it's supposed to be about getting a response out of people and not having much distinction between positive and negative ones, but, man that gets draining.

[Katigre]

anyway- 6 yr old has good impulse control for many things, but not when it comes to reactive things or the mysterious trying to annoy someone type behaviors.
ThenI'd highly recommendthis book :yes

http://www.amazon.com/Dealing-Disappointment-Elizabeth-Crary/dp/1884734758/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321472795&sr=8-1-spell

[Joanne]

the impulses he has arethings such as: grabbing things from someone's hand, pushing, head butting (or the motion to do it), poking or jabbing a finger at someone, things he says (that he shouldn't).

??

IMO, the bold is not age appropriate; it is the impulse control level of a younger child.

The others *may* be age-expected, depending on frequency and content.

[greenishmama]

IMO, the bold is not age appropriate; it is the impulse control level of a younger child.

The others *may* be age-expected, depending on frequency and content.

thank you- this is the type of feedback I was looking for. I'm not thinking it age appropriate either. The weird thing is that when he was two yrs old he didn't have these types of impulses. He was never one to grab toys from other toddlers and he'd "allow" other kids to take things from him or do other things that would have made some kids scream or fight back!

He has also been doing this lately (and maybe this should be a separate post)... he has these little outbursts (for lack of a better word) where he makes faces, noises and motions that are similar to some people with special needs. Not sure why he does it. Sadly, it seemed to have started when he perhaps witnessed a girl with special needs at our church. Otherwise I'm not sure. It started suddenly. He hadn't been doing it much for a week or so lately but it's back again. He just does it. And, due to his lack of expression of feelings and sometimes we honestly can't figure him out, we aren't sure if it's a sign of frustration, boredom. It definitely seems related to this impulse topic though as I've asked him to stop doing it and he still does it. It just comes out. But it's an act (not a real thing like a person with true special needs). It's annoying but I'm also concerned he'll do it in public or in the presence of someone who might be offended thinking he's making fun of a person with special needs. ???

[Allison]

If we don't factor in issues such as ADHD or other diagnosable obstacles then sometime around age 25 when the frontal lobe has done its thing.

To get you where you'll start seeing some pay off from gbd? Sometime around age 7. Again that's barring and mental or emotional issues.

Hang in there. Its a whole lot of rinse and repeat from 18 months to age 7.

[allisonintx]

We have a saying around here. "Don't give up what you want the most for what you want right now"

Impulse control is something that I have always struggled with (hello ADD) and I'm only just starting to feel like I really have a handle on it.

[Katigre]

Is Tourettes a possibility? I don't know a whole lot about it but that strikes me as something to investigate if he's having tics like you describe.

[Allison]

And now that I've read the thread . . .

Do you plan to have him evaluated?

[Joanne]

If we don't factor in issues such as ADHD or other diagnosable obstacles then sometime around age 25 when the frontal lobe has done its thing.

To get you where you'll start seeing some pay off from gbd? Sometime around age 7. Again that's barring and mental or emotional issues.

Hang in there. Its a whole lot of rinse and repeat from 18 months to age 7.

:scratch Yes, parenting a minor = a lot of repitition. I am teaching my 16 year old how to drive. Lather, rinse, repeat.

However, there are still impulse control development progressions. What is expected at 2 is not the same as 7.

[ArmsOfLove]

IMO, the bold is not age appropriate; it is the impulse control level of a younger child.

The others *may* be age-expected, depending on frequency and content.
I have two 6yo's right now and they are both struggling with this to different degrees. Yes, they were preemies, but my others struggled in this area *at this age* as well. Never made it okay :no And we did lots of work on learning to wait, etc. Now, granted, my children have serious ADHD and two are on the spectrum.

So if you are concerned I would encourage getting an evaluation. Worst case scenario you learn he's normal and on target :giggle

As for the comments you read to be saying that you shouldn't worry about your son because you aren't perfect either . . . I would suggest it was more an encouragement to first look at yourself and examine what is being modeled for him. I know I've found that when I focus on my personal development and then bring them alongside we can all reach new heights :heart

anyway- 6 yr old has good impulse control for many things, but not when it comes to reactive things or the mysterious trying to annoy someone type behaviors. These are the things that my 6yo's are still struggling with. Especially the one who has been evaluated to have serious anxiety and possibly ADHD.

hth

[greenishmama]

Is Tourettes a possibility? I don't know a whole lot about it but that strikes me as something to investigate if he's having tics like you describe.

yikes. I'm feeling a bit uneasy now at the suggestions of diagnosis (sp?) of things...

I don't think it's tourettes. I'll have to read more about it. It seems like he's doing those little "fits" (I call them) on purpose. He seems to be choosing to do it and thinks it's funny sometimes. yet he's not been able to make himself stop doing it. I think because it's gotten to be habit and because he doesn't want to stop. I just don't get why he's doing it. I told him today we might need to bring him to the dr. to find out why :shifty sometimes that works to help him do or not do something. (blow his nose is another....)

[ThreeKids]

blowing his nose is a habit he can or can't stop?

---------

I have Tourette's, BTW, and I'd be hard-pressed to tell you what I do that's impulse control-related and what's ADHD. I've known people with ADHD with worse impulse control than me.

I kind of don't think of the tics as impulse-control, though, they FEEL like another category of behavior. I have plenty of time to think about doing or not doing the tic, but that doesn't affect whether I'll do it or not. I think of impulse-control as things I wouldn't have done if I had the time to think about it (as long as the impulse doesn't become a compulsion in the time I have to think about it). These are just the ways I've classified things in my own head and may or may not be the way a professional would classify behavior when observing it.

Thinking something is funny isn't always a sign he has control over it.

[ArmsOfLove]

He seems to be choosing to do it and thinks it's funny sometimes. yet he's not been able to make himself stop doing it.these two thoughts cannot co-exist. Either he's doing it on purpose and is in control of himself OR he is unable to control these things. It's one or the other and whichever it is will determine how you respond--it also colors everything about how you look at him and how you view him.

[Chaos Coordinator]

My husband with ADHD has only recently become aware of his lack of impulse control and he is nearing 30, I myself have found impulse control to be much more manageable since my 25th birthday.

That's not to excuse your sons behavior, but to offer some insight into normal development of the human brain