Introducing the concept of obedience

[lizzyd]

Lately my 3yo has been talking a lot about emotions. If I do something he likes, then he tells me that I made him happy. If I do something that he doesn't like, then he tells me that wasn't nice and that I made him sad. He makes the standards as to what is nice and what is not! That means that he's viewing any sort of discipline as me being "not nice." I'd really like to start talking about how it's important to obey and that discipline is not just mommy being "not nice." I want to help him see the big picture. I know this can be pretty abstract and he is only three so of course I want to start small, I am just not sure where to even start.

I hope that makes sense!

[joysworld]

Are these things you say to him? If so, I would avoid saying them. Just my two cents:)

When my kids are upset over discipline, I just hold them, and and empathize. This really helps with my girls. They just want to be heard.

[saturnfire16]

I would not even bring it up to him yet. He *will* obey when he is capable, when he trusts your judgement and when you have shown that your word is worth obeying. He doesn't need to understand the abstract concept in order to do it.

With my kids, I just talk about what we are going to do and why we do it. Whenever possible, I make requests and don't tell them what to do. We focus on finding solutions to situations. But when I do need them to comply (buckling into the carseat for example) I just explain why it needs to happen and then make it happen. If they are sad about it I empathize.

I also agree with joysworld, if he is getting the "you make me sad" or "you're not being nice" from you, it is something to consider stopping. No one can make anyone else feel anything and "not nice" is vague and meaningless. So if he hits, I would not say "that's not nice," but rather "when you hit me, it hurt and I feel sad because I need my body to be respected."

[lizzyd]

No I don't say much of anything about what is/is not nice. He comes up with that on his own. He probably picked it up from me saying "That's so nice" or something similar when he does stuff like kiss his sister.

[saturnfire16]

No I don't say much of anything about what is/is not nice. He comes up with that on his own.

My kids did that for a while recently too, even though I don't use it. :shrug3 I would just validate their feelings back "You feel sad" and if possible work *with* them to find a solution. "You feel sad because you want XYZ. It's my job to keep you safe and I need ABC. Let's think of how we can work that out."

---------- Post added at 05:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:04 AM ----------

He probably picked it up from me saying "That's so nice" or something similar when he does stuff like kiss his sister.

I try to point out to my kids how the other person it feeling. "She likes when you kiss her." Or conversely "She's does not like the way you are touching her." so that they see how their actions affect other people instead of just hearing my judgement on it.

[lizzyd]

I try to point out to my kids how the other person it feeling. "She likes when you kiss her." Or conversely "She's does not like the way you are touching her." so that they see how their actions affect other people instead of just hearing my judgement on it.

I like that.

I guess one thing that I'm struggling with is when we have an impasse. He cajoles, complains, melts down. Empathy doesn't have a lot of effect. We always get to where we need to be but it feels like it requires such a song and dance.

[joysworld]

Yeah, kids can pick up so many things that we don't even know where they get it from:)

I would just empathize. At this age, he's not going to get the concept that you are the mom and you know best, so he needs to do it. :shrug3 Just empathizing and explaining (at his level) why something needs to be done, while helping him do it if he needs help.

[ArmsOfLove]

It makes sense--but he's not developmentally able to see the big picture :hug I agree with pointing out other people's feelings. He isn't setting the standard--he's just sharing his feelings with you :hug

[bolt.]

If it makes you feel better you can translate what he says, "That's not nice." into what he really means, "That's not pleasant." or "Something just happened that I didn't enjoy." Sometimes the things you need to do are unpleasant and/or not enjoyable to him. He just wants you to know that.

There's no reason to take his feeling-sharing as the opening of a conversation about definitions... he's using not quite the right word for what he means. He's doing that because he has a vocabulary that would fit in a teaspoon... not because he actually means what he says.

Obedience is just a part of his life. He doesn't need to understand it on the theoretical level.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

Just listening in... :D

[passionatemom]

I try to point out to my kids how the other person it feeling. "She likes when you kiss her." Or conversely "She's does not like the way you are touching her." so that they see how their actions affect other people instead of just hearing my judgement on it.

I like this way of talking about feelings. :yes

However, can I just point out how difficult it is for some of us to learn a whole new way of expressing ourselves? :-/ I wasn't raised speaking this way, and while I understand how much better it is, it's very hard for me to filter everything that comes out of my mouth to make sure I'm saying it the right GBD way.

[saturnfire16]

I like this way of talking about feelings. :yes

However, can I just point out how difficult it is for some of us to learn a whole new way of expressing ourselves? :-/ I wasn't raised speaking this way, and while I understand how much better it is, it's very hard for me to filter everything that comes out of my mouth to make sure I'm saying it the right GBD way.


I TOTALLY understand! :hug2 I have been practicing for about 4 years and I still sometimes say "KNOCK IT OFF! I mean, your sister doesn't like what you are doing, stop." At first I was doing do overs with myself many times a day. Now it is much less often as certain phrases have become habit and the way I view my children is different and has become ingrained as well. But it does take time. :yes

ETA: I try not to think of it as the right GBD way, but rather just learning to be a kinder person myself. If I were speaking to a friend in an inappropriate way, out of habit from how I had been raised, and it was damaging our relationship, I would want to learn a new way. How much more so should I learn to be kind to my children when they are following my example?

[ArmsOfLove]

I TOTALLY understand! :hug2 I have been practicing for about 4 years and I still sometimes say "KNOCK IT OFF! I mean, your sister doesn't like what you are doing, stop." At first I was doing do overs with myself many times a day. Now it is much less often as certain phrases have become habit and the way I view my children is different and has become ingrained as well. But it does take time. :yes

Hey--sometimes the best any of us is going to get out is "KNOCK IT OFF! I mean, your sister doesn't like what you are doing, stop."

The real important thing in examining our language is to try and become aware of what we're saying and communicating with our words. Being intentional in our thinking and speaking is only going to move us to greater health :tu

I heard a line to a song the other day that I've somehow missed in the past listening to it and it said something about changing the voices in your head so that the like you :heart What comes out of our mouth expresses what the voices in our subconscious are speaking. When we were raised punitively or we have been punitive our self talk is punitive. Working to change both our self talk and our speech to our children is part of changing that :)

[tempus vernum]

The real important thing in examining our language is to try and become aware of what we're saying and communicating with our words. Being intentional in our thinking and speaking is only going to move us to greater health :tu

I heard a line to a song the other day that I've somehow missed in the past listening to it and it said something about changing the voices in your head so that the like you :heart What comes out of our mouth expresses what the voices in our subconscious are speaking. When we were raised punitively or we have been punitive our self talk is punitive. Working to change both our self talk and our speech to our children is part of changing that :)

Thank you :heart - that really spoke to me. The past 3 days I have been yelling A LOT and I KNOW it's because of things going on with my family of origin - I am regressing :(

[lizzyd]

Thanks everyone for sharing your perspectives and experiences! I have started wording some things differently to him.

It still tough when he says that I am not nice to him. Not because I am offended, but because I don't want him to think that I am being "not nice" just for the heck of it! But I keep in mind that this is just his way of expressing himself.

[SuperDudesMama]

Thank you so much for this conversation! I have also been struggling with placing too much emphasis on forcing the concept and defination of obedience. I'm glad to know that it really isn't necessary to continue stressing it and to focus more on teaching and really just discipling at this age.